OK, we've searched every single media outlet available to us, contacted our Deep Throats in twelve different countries, obsessively checked the hidden cameras we have secreted away in various sundry colonic clinics around the greater Hollywood area, and we've still got nothing. An entire twenty-four hours have passed without Britney Spears getting pregnant, and as far as we can tell, Lindsay Lohan managed to contain her labia within the confines of her clothing, so we're going to take up space by posting pictures of English actress Kelly Brook wearing a bikini.

 

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."