The other day you all gathered around with carpet squares and juice boxes, and in hushed, reverent tones, we told you the tale of Beyoncé and Eva Longoria preparing to star in a film in which they would bump donuts. But Eva now tells us that it's lies, all lies. Filthy lies. Dirty lies. Dirty, delicious, tasty, perfumed, lacy little lies. Soft and supple, taut and firm lies. Lies tinged with the sweet, lusty sweat of mingled feminine liquids. Tangy lies. Fleshy lies.  

Which actresses would you must like to see clam jousting on the big screen? Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba? Angelina Jolie and Lindsay Lohan? What if we offered you a two-for-one taco night with Beyoncé and Eva Longoria? Yeah, we didn't think there'd be any objections.  

Scarlett Johansson has been named Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive". Jessica Alba nabbed the title of "Most Kissable" by readers of The Sun. And Beyoncé's buns are wearing a little crown today, as they've been deemed "Best Booty" by the discerning readers of In Touch Weekly. Which begs the question: who possesses the sexiest and most kissable ass? Did we just blow your mind?  

Beyoncé Knowles recently attended a launch party for a book called Effortless Style. Beyoncé, or "B", as she is affectionately known to those of us in her close inner circle of friends, put quite a bit of effort into her style that night, sporting a face full of makeup, a dress with a plunging neckline showing lots of decolletage, and some double-stick tape on her jugs. It appears that she purchased said tit tape at Dollar Daze in the strip mall down by Route 19 however, and all that "effort" was for naught.  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?  

• Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.

• Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!

• Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Portman nippage is forever newsworthy, do you not agree?

• Person you've never heard of likens Keira Knightley's torso to "two aspirins on an ironing board". We love the English! That almost beats Noel Gallagher's "Zorro on doughnuts" simile of yore. Almost.

• Said aspirin are in talks to hawk warpaint for Chanel.

• Does Tom Hanks make Fergie look more feminine, or is it the other way around?

• Dreamgirls producers are terrified that Beyonce's ass will bust through costumes, Kool-Aid Man style. Ohhhh yeaaaaah!  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

Today you get twice the Knowles family baby talk for your booty-shaking buck. First up, Beyonce may be carrying the Lil Romeo-esque spawn of Jay-Z. And as a bonus, forgotten non-gold-record-making younger sister Solange has been accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby. That's right: bleaching her clubfooted baby. We've got your attention now.  

Can you pay Beyoncé's bills?
Can you pay her telephone bills?
Can you pay her waxing bills?
 

From the "You Know It's A Slow Gossip Day When . . . " files: Beyonce Knowles's dog has received the highest honor from Animal Fair magazine (no, we've never heard of it either): He has been crowned America's Most Eligible Pet. The competition was fierce, but one-and-a-half-year-old Munchie pulled out ahead--it probably didn't hurt that his megastar mommy posed on the cover of the magazine with him.  

The world may now be ready for that jelly, but apparently Beyoncé's body IS a bit too bootylicious for her, babe.