As the Venice Film Festival wraps up, the powers-that-be are handing out awards to honor the festival's best and brightest, and the top acting honors went to Helen Mirren and Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck?  

Here we thought we had Ben Affleck pegged. He's a washed up actor who was effortlessly upstaged by a seven-year-old in Please Stop Making Movies, Kevin Smith (Or was that one called Jersey Girl? We can't remember.) and by a shovel in Surviving Christmas, and in his personal life he tags along carrying little Violet in the Baby Bjorn while his wife calls the shots, and he tries to get away for a ball game or a round of poker when the wife lets go of his balls. All in all rather a boring chap. But today he's just full of surprises.  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

• Large billboards instructing Katie Holmes to make like a silent, slow-moving three-toed sloth arrive at the Cruisian birth chamber. Chilling.

• And, according to the headline at FemaleFirst, she's about to deliver a bouncing baby iPod.

• Pam Mamderson is getting a little long in the tooth, and realizes that it isn't proper for mature women to bare their breasts. Instead, they wear see-through shirts. How positively demure!

• Star Jones babbles about her new boob job, Joy Behar tells her to shut her fat mouth, Star responds by calling Joy a bitch. Finally, a reason to watch The View.

• With those new fake lips, Jessica Simpson really makes an excellent Real Doll.

• Whoops, scratch that. Actually, Christina Aguilera makes the better inflatable hump toy.

• Madonna learns how to . . . c'mon! Krump! Let your body move to the music! Krump! Krump! Let your body go with the flow!

• Spawn of Affleck . . . revealed! Wait, where are its little horns, its eensy cloven feet?  

Ben Affleck found himself in a bit of a bind recently when he went to a convenience store to buy diapers and, after finding he was short on cash, was forced to kiss a fan so she'd pay for the Huggies. That reminds us of the time we went to buy Scotch tape and forgot our wallet so we had to kiss a fan. Only it wasn't Scotch tape, it was Vagisil. And it wasn't a fan, it was a homeless man. And it wasn't a kiss, it was anal sex.  

Jennifer Garner, who has seriously been pregnant for over two years, finally belched that wee babe out of her Fleck-tainted womb yesterday. It's a girl, and they have reportedly named her Violet Affleck. Violent Affect. Violate Afflack. Violin Affluence. Silent Chaffsex. Pilates Calf-flex.  

Jennifer Garner is still all kinds of full of baby, even though it seems she's been pregnant since the Carter administration. Our money was on the tyke popping out at the Thanksgiving table. "It's coming right now, there's no time for an ambulance! Just throw the turkey on the floor and splay her out on the dining room table. The pumpkin pie will make a nice pillow." It just sounds like a Ben Affleck movie, doesn't it? But at this point the kid has been in there so long maybe it can hang on until Christmas and our prophecy can still be fulfilled. In the meantime we'll tell you about Jen and Ben actually getting paid to carry around those venti caramel-mint-mocha-toothacheacinos you pay $4.95 for.  

Sonny Bono, Jesse Ventura, Arnold Schwarzenegger . . . Ben Affleck? God help us, but it’s being reported that Fleck might run for a Senate seat. We’re moving to Italy, because we think we’re better off with Cicciolina.  

• Natalie Portman: Last of the Mohicans.

• Dear Russell Crowe: PLEASE PUNCH US. WE NEED THE CASH.

• Scar-Jo and Josh Hartnett (Jo-Ho?) move in together! Eh, it's destined to fail. "Scarlett Hartnett" just sounds so douchey.

• Fleck's million-pound pits.

• Annie Hall is porking Ted "Theodore" Logan.

• Ohhhh, when Keef says Mick has a laughably tiny weenis, that's supposed to be a compliment. We see, we see.

• Does a rapper sire twelve billion babies and have two wives? Mos Def!

 

Jennifer is sad. And for once we’re not talking about Jennifer Aniston. Rather Jennifer Lopez got bummed the fuck out when a reporter for Elle magazine asked her about Ben Affleck’s new marriage and incubating spawn.  

Bennifer II is now official! Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have been joined together in connubial bliss. They were married Wednesday on a beach on the Turks and Caicos island. Goddammit, another celebrity wedding outsourced to an exotic foreign locale. The American wedding industry has taken such a huge hit this year that John Cougar Mellencamp is organizing a benefit concert as we speak. Rain on the scarecrow, blood on the aisle?  

It's (sort of) official: Jennifer Garner is carrying a big ol' hunk of Ben Affleck's love seed. Commence with the shotgun wedding and the Star polls asking readers to decide whether the offspring should be named Bubba or Daredevil.  

Hey, remember when everyone (including ourselves) was flappin' gums about Jennifer Garner possibly gestating the Spawn of Fleck? Neither do we. Because it was boring. And then Britney got knocked up, and Demi, and then Brad/Jen/Angelina happened, and then Paris was hacked, and . . . well, we just plum forgot. But now Jennifer is starting to show, or, as Star would say, "sporting a baby bump". Ooooh? Or . . . something?  

Yay! Yayyyyyyyy! Wahoo! Hey, everyone! HOORAY AND HUZZAH! Why are we celebrating, you ask? Because Ben Affleck has decided to pursue a different vocation! He's going to be a teacher! No more Daredevils! No more Paychecks! Oh, we're as giddy as a spoiled Victorian child on Christmas Day!  

It's been reported that Ben Affleck maybe, sort of, probably, most likely proposed to Jennifer Garner yesterday. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . . Oops, sorry. Did we just fall asleep?  

Hollywood bloat-bag-turned-director Ben Affleck has auctioned himself off for charity. And someone actually paid $28,300 for the pleasure of his presence. If we don't finish this story, don't worry; we've just retreated to the bomb shelter that we built in case we thought the world was about to end.  

Could Bennifer Part Two be expecting a baby? Star seems to think so. Jennifer Garner has been spotted multiple times recently trying to cover up what might be a baby "bump". The Alias star seems to have filled out around the stomach and hips, typical for expecting mothers, and has been trying to cover it with such clever disguises as extra-long scarves. All that spy work seems to have taught her a trick or two.