After a recent, boozulous night out, Avril Lavigne could be found in the back of her car, furiously texting:

C MY UND-E'S



Well, yes.  

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

Hi bois and grrrls. I don't know if you heard, but I got married this weekend. Yea me! That means I'm totally not a little girl anymore. Everyone has to treat me like an old married lady. But I still wanted to look young and fresh and pretty for my big day, so I borrowed these teeth from Hilary Duff. I hope you like them.
Kisses,
Avril  

• A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.

• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.

• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!

• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!

• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.

• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.

• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.

• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.

• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!  

• Actor Chris Penn found dead in Santa Monica. Goodnight, Willard, may you dance around tractors in heaven. Let's hear it for the boy.

• Oh baby, Keith! Keith's got what Kidman neee-eeeeds! But she say he's just a friend! She she say he's just a friend!

• Promo pics of an old but still trampy Sharon Stone from the upcoming Basic Instinct 2. No, she's not showing her 'tang.

• Unlike George Bush, Pam Anderson's ass cares about black people.

• Paris Hilton knows that the most flattering accessory for any modern girl's nip slip is a pair of kicky handcuffs. Sassy!

• Headline of the century.

• Avril Lavigne grows up, loses tie and armwarmers, looks purdy.

• If the Pavarotti deign to snap pictures of Russell Crowe's preggo wife, they will be "tarred and feathered." Which is a step up from "phoned and phoned."  

• American Idol also-ran and possible Paula-porker Corey Clark wields salisbury steak and curly fries like they wuz deadly weapons. Straight up!

• Awwww. Look at the cute gay midget. It thinks it's butch.

• Jen Aniston's not a playa; she just hugs a lot.

• The charming Nicole Richie gives Paris a run for her money in the paid partygoer department; tragically misplaces her breasts in the process.

• Victoria Silvstedt continues sex-drenched vacation, loses li'l Napoleon consort, shows off surgeon's work.

• We could've sworn we'd heard that Avril Lavigne and that one dude from that one band were engaged months ago, but they really are now, for real this time.

• Erstwhile Erkel-esque "comedian" Chris Tucker gets pulled over for speeding; makes us laugh for the first time ever!