Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher seem to have disappeared off the face of the planet following their September 2005 nuptials. In a new interview with Details, Ashton gives some insights into what exactly it is that he's been up to for the past year. And it seems that what he's been up to is accessorizing. Playing the Jimmy Choos to Demi's Dior dress, acting as the Harry Winstons to her Vera Wang.  

Ashton Kutcher is desperate to inseminate his nanna/wife, Demi Moore. (Because celebrities never want to simply pass on their DNA or have an excuse to buy a Louis Vuitton diaper bag; they're positively desperate for a baby.) He's even abandoning his duties as nerd matchmaker to make it happen. At least he's neglecting Beauty and the Geek and not Punk'd. There would be mass suicides if we weren't offered the chance to watch celebrities cry and scream at their assistants when their car was impounded just because they parked it on top of a handicapped homeless Vietnam vet and a fire hydrant.  

Just the other day we were wondering what happened to Demi Moore. Is she getting another complete surgical overhaul? Is she busy training Ashton to do her bidding? Is she cutting a Latin-tinged Kabbalah record? After a lot of soul searching, we decided that she must be carefully and gently incubating a baby under the cover of night. And as it turns out, we were right. Sorta. Kinda. A little?  

• There's an old man sitting next to me, makin' love to his tonic and Pledge: Billy Joel starts the fire--in his liver!--by swigging some furniture polish, once.

• Steve "Alan Partridge" Coogan finally admits that his fabled hookup with Courtney Love is actually 80% true. Does that mean she's 80% pregnant?

• Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen's baby daughter Sam is TOTALLY X-TREEEEEEM!!!!

• Pictures of Demi Moore marrying a gay Miamian gangster from 1944. And what's up with that cake?

• Carmen Electra screaming racial epithets = the happiest eight days of Dennis Rodman's life. Huh?

• One of the hottest not-yet-legal stars around is about to bare ass in a highly anticipated film. Oh, put your damn boners away; it's Harry Potter.  

Have we been Punk’d? Are we really that gullible? And, even more frightening, is Ashton Kutcher really smarter than all of us? These are questions for the ages.  

Hey, guys, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are no longer living in sin (like you probably are doing at this moment, you dirty, dirty sinners). Yea, they’re married! Our wait is over! Whoo . . . hoo?  

Granted, we at CelebNewsWire have never actually given birth (not to a human infant, anyway), so maybe we, you know, shouldn't judge, but when we make a mental list of what we'd like in the delivery room with us, Ashton fucking Kutcher would be pretty far down on the invoice.  

According to The Enquirer, poor Demi Moore has had a miscarriage in her fifth month of pregnancy. Our hearts would go out to her, but according to Demi, she was never pregnant to begin with, so we'll continue pointing at her and laughing derisively.  

Seems that despite the fact that his horses bust out of the gate before the race has even begun, Chris "Ashton" Kutcher has knocked up his fossilized concubine, Ms. Demi Moore. But we knew that. And so did you. However, now it's been confirmed by some dude who once saw a pregnant lady, so it's GOTTA be true.  

According to Demi Moore, child lover Ashton Kutcher blows his wad too fast. Stars: they're just like Us!  

So Ashton Kutcher has a new movie out. We know. You're thinking, "Didn't that movie with Bernie Mac come out, like, last week?" Well, apparently when you're king of the granny-humping world you can star in as many movies as Jude Law. This one co-stars Amanda Peet and as far as we know does not defile any Hollywood classics. But if the film debuts at number one, The Kutch will pose for some pictures in his undies. So there's another reason not to waste your $8.50.  

No one has ever claimed that Kabbalah makes people sane or sensitive to the feelings of others. There was something about spiritual enlightenment or some bullshit, but we weren't listening. Lately whenever we hear names like Ashton Kutcher and Madonna we get nostalgic for the time when pampered Hollywood stars were merely self-indulgent without thinking they held the secrets to the universe.  

Let's take a break from shopping for baby shower gifts for Ashton and Demi, shall we, and instead bust out our trusty decoder rings. Our own baby daddy, FemaleFirst.com, throws out this mysterious tidbit today: "Ashton Kutcher Gags After Standing In Dog C**p". Dog carp? Dog camp? Dog chap? By god, we must know what Ashton stepped in! What could they possibly mean?  

Ashton Kutcher has admitted he's a redneck. What's next: Tara Reid admitting she's a drunk? Kevin Federline admitting he doesn't shower? This is shit we already know.  

Like the fabled Gremlins of yore, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are multiplying. According to Star, Demi's womb has accepted the spore of her pet boy Ashton, barely older than toddler-age himself. That lucky baby is gonna pop out with his father's brain and his mother's mechanically-engineered breasts. He's already a star!  

Reports differ, but either Madonna or Ashton Kutcher is said to be the new face of a soon-to-be-launched "Kabbalah energy drink". Hmmm. If Kabbalah is a serious religion (and Madonna tells us it is), why do we not have Methodistmobiles or Presbyterian Flakes?