We don't really care whom Paris Hilton and her set have or haven't slept with. At this point it's just swapping different herpes strains anyway. But in a desperate bid to garner publicity for his new House of Carters (which we'll only watch if it involves AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS), Nick Carter is claiming that Paris cheated on him with Chad Michael Murray, so in return Nick slept with Ashlee Simpson. Why doesn't everyone in Hollywood under age 25 just get together for one giant clusterfuck and call it a night? Except for that lovely Mandy Moore. We wouldn't want to defile her like that.  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

Take heed, Lindsay Lohan, for Ashlee Simpson has stumbled upon the perfect solution for those days when you're booked to attend a movie premiere, an awards ceremony, and a fashion show but all you really want to do is go to Hyde and do belly shots off of Harry Morton until he starts to resemble a rainbow-striped unicorn: Just send your Madame Tussaud's wax figure in your place!  

Hey, guys, did you hear? Jessica Simpson is sexy. She has amazing boobs. And now that her sister Ashlee got that nose job she's sexy too. You hardly even notice her butt chin anymore. They are sexy, sexy, sexy. You know how we know? Their dad told us. He thinks they're totally hot and sexy and yummy and tasty and other words that no father should ever say about his little girls. And you know what else? He loves to take pictures of them. Doesn't every dad love to take pictures of his daughters? In bikinis? With cleavage hanging out?  

Ashlee Simpson is in talks to star as Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of the musical Chicago. Audiences across the land will pay to see Ashlee glide onto the stage, resplendent in period-appropraite pin curls and glittery showgirl costume. As the strains of her first song pour from the orchestra pit, Ashlee will open her mouth and start miming the words to "La La". Realizing her folly, she will do an improvised and highly comical jig before making her hasty exit.  

Career by dad.
Voice by acid reflux.
Hair by Ken Paves.
Nose by Dr. Mort Teasdale of Santa Monica, CA.
Upskirt panty flash inspired by Paris Hilton.
 

If you were in charge of a well-known magazine and had about $4 million that wasn't earmarked for coke and hookers, what would you spend it on? The first pictures of the sexiest baby alive, or naked pictures of a Simpson sister? What if we told you that sister was Ashlee? Yeah, you'd still go for the nudes. To our readers that question's a no brainer on par with what to have for dinner: filet mignon or the pile of dog shit your neighbor left on your lawn.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

• Jake Gyllenhaal has a new beard! And a new girlfriend. So that's . . . two . . . beards. Yeah.

• Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

• And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

• Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

• See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

• Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

 

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

 

• The highly downloadable Cindy Margolis will be posing for Playboy. She's the spokeswoman for the National Infertility Association. God, that makes us feel horny.

• Paris Hilton: attacked by evil flying car!

• American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee almost McPhlashed some McPhurburger on national TV last night. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky panties!

• Jordan shows us what she's famous for. And we ain't talkin' acting chops, writing style, or mellifluous singing voice. NSFW, natch.

• More Gong for your dong! Asian skinsation Gong Li gives us a reason to see the upcoming Miami Vice movie.

• When presented with the choice of doing time in the pen or being nurturing and contributing kindly to society via a little community service, Michelle Rodriguez said "fuck that" and picked jail. Because she's an asswipe. An asswipe who loooooves incarcerated poontang.

• Ashlee Simpson says that she's taller than sister Jessica and her legs are longer, although her jugs aren't as udderly colossal. It's a draw.

• Kevin Costner settles with the woman who accuses him of stroking his weiner in front of her. He is not Untouchable after all.  

• Matthew McConaughey beat some rape charges. Which is actually kind of easy to do when your accuser is a foaming-at-the-mouth loonybird who claims she turned down MM's proposal of marriage while they were studying Scientology and then he tried to kill her after knocking her out with drugged milk.

• Paris Hilton knows when to hold 'em and fold 'em, but not when to walk away or run, so much.

• Mischa Barton wears lacy white panties. Tell your friends.

• Ashlee Simpson ponies up a little areola. Her yams look pretty nice. It's a shame about the makeup, though.

• We know Lohan gives Spuds McKenzie a run for his money in the "original party animal" category, but the fact that the cast of a show that works under cover of night, fueled on various stimulants, had to stage an intervention is just sad.

• Mandy Moore's parents were holed up in her basement, playing World of Warcraft and smoking bongs, posting on Doctor Who message boards and refusing to get jobs, so she kicked their lard asses to the damn curb.

• But y'all ain't mad at her, because look how adorable and precious she is! Awwwww. Mannnnndyyyy.

• If Tony Parker hadn't come along and made an honest woman out of Eva Longoria, she would have been straddling tables at nightclubs, inserting a Jeff Stryker Cock n' Balls into her netherholes instead of just talking about it.

• K-Hole asked for (and got) an epidural while crapping out Suri Cruise. Brutal, hateful, extra-long auditing session TK.  

Our morning began with a veritable Wilmer Valderrama-rama of sexy proportions. Like most men who are insecure, Wilmer feels the need to brag about his sexual conquests and to measure his weiner obsessively, then crow about it like he's the second coming of Tommy Lee. But unlike most men, he spilled the pervy beans on satellite radio.

Full ratings and terse summaries of Fez's past stable of famous schtup puppets after the cut.  

Wednesday, November 2nd found Ashlee Simpson well into her cups and slobberingly berating a Canadian McDonald's employee. As if poor cuddly Canada doesn't have to endure enough jibes from the America already?  

Don’t fuck with the dude who directed that Burger King commercial with Hootie. He’ll cut you. Or claim that your dirty, skanky family is the blight of humanity. Either way.  

Amongst today's hottest young celebs, talking about your clam-jousting fantasies is the new talking about how you want to adopt a cute orphan from one of those icky far-off lands. But honestly, these two things are not so different--it's not like said starlets are actually gonna do either.  

We have absolutely shocking news for you this morning: Joe Simpson is a skeezy lying old windbag. What’s that? You already knew that? Damn, what do we have to do around here to impress you, prove that Papa Joe lost both of his testicles in a misguided stunt orchestrated by a pre-adolescent Johnny Knoxville and that Ashlee’s biological father is actually a chimp named Goober? Would that make you happy?  

In other Jessica Simpson news, Lindsay Lohan hates her g.d. guts, along with the Fez-stealing, acid-reflux-riddled guts of sis Ashlee.  

Remember when you were twelve and you really, really wanted Tiffany to come to your birthday party and sing “I Think We’re Alone Now” just for you? Too bad you’re not twelve years old now with parents who desperately need to buy your love, because for a mere $35,000 Ashlee Simpson could show up to your house and sing some crap about drinking milk up off the floor.  

Ashlee Simpson is a dirty girl--but not in the way we were all hoping. She's too busy possibly dating Fez and avoiding singing lessons to clean up after herself.  

It's been a while since we've heard tales of Wilmer Valderrama putting the moves on disagreeable teen starlets; for a minute there, we thought maybe he'd lost his velvet touch with the young, famous, and bratty. We just caught wind, however, of a tale involving one Ashlee Simpson driving a half hour to pay a midnight visit to his trailer on a movie set. Welcome back, Fez.  

Some people don't want Ashlee Simpson to ever La La again. Yeah, like anyone who watched the Orange Bowl--or masochistically listened to the performance over and over again the next day because we're dirty and we deserved it. Whoops, did we say "we"? We did.  

America's favorite li'l lip syncer performed at the FedEx Orange Bowl (we are so looking forward to the Tampax Sugar Bowl and the Anusol Rose Bowl!) . . . and it was totally live! How can we be positive? Easy; it fricking sucked!  

Forget the singing and the dancing and the reality show hoo-ha--Ashlee Simpson's real talent lies in the gastric arts; namely, burping the alphabet. Looks like that acid-reflux disease is good for something after all.  

What can one say about former Baptist minister and Simpson sister dad Joe Simpson that hasn't already been said? The highlights, the Botox, the way he puppeteers his progeny, his diva snit fits . . . if all that weren't enough to give you the douche chills, he's now singing the praises of Jessica's beans from every rooftop, while simultaneously forbidding Ashlee to dyke it up in her first movie.  

Oh, don't be titillated by the naughty subject line. Dick Clark's just had a stroke is all.  

Like a sleazy, skank-sniffing divining rod, Wilmer Valderrama's wang twitches at the first sign of any available teen starlet with a penchant for guzzling vodka and a dearth of self-esteem. Its latest victim may be Ashlee Simpson.  

A pressure group calling themselves Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment--or H.O.P.E.--is offering just that to suckers who were duped into buying the debut album from lip-syncing acid reflux sufferer and MTV star Ashlee Simpson. Said suckers, or "fans", as they're sometimes known, can bring Ashlee's album to a New York venue and exchange it for "one of a higher entertainment quality".