• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

In the biggest baby-endangering shocker since Solange Knowles was accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby, Anna Nicole Smith has allegedly dyed her newborn daughter's hair to make her look more like creepazoid Nightline-investigation-waiting-to-happen Howard K. Stern. Perhaps an easier route to confirming paternity would have been to tattoo "I'm a jagbag and I'll steal all your money" on the child's forehead.  

We struggled with these pictures of Anna Nicole Smith and attorney/possible sperm doner/definite creep Howard K. Stern pledging their love and devotion in a "commitment ceremony". Lord knows our struggle. Don't post the pictures out of respect for a grieving mother, or post them cuz they're disturbing and hilarious? In the end, the fact that ANS basically had them taken so she could sell them to the highest bidder, coupled with the 1950s Barbie lashes, was the deciding factor.

 

There have been so many new developments in the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy drama in the last 48 hours that we don't even know where to begin. At this point, the only way to get to the bottom of this is to round up ANS, Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, baby Dannilynn, and Richard Dean Anderson, put them on Maury, and do a paternity test and a drug test. Why Richard Dean Anderson, you ask? Eye candy, my friend. Eye candy.  

According to most reports, Anna Nicole Smith married her slippery, slippery lawyer/self-proclaimed impregnator Howard K. Stern in the Bahamas yesterday, resplendent in a pink bikini. However, today her publicist released a colorful statement in which she asserts that the curious pair did not, in fact, marry; they simply had a "commitment ceremony". Sadly, this was not what we had in mind when we suggested that Anna and Howard needed to be committed.  

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern appeared on Larry King last night, and dropped a bomb, announcing with much fanfare, that he is the father of Anna's infant daughter. He then whipped off his Howard K. Stern mask to reveal that he is actually Howard Stern with no "K.", and is not only Anna's lover, but also her brother! Her twin brother! And also her father! Dun-dun-DUNNNN!  

In a bizarre and utterly tragic turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel has died suddenly in the Bahamas, three days after his mother gave birth to a baby girl. The cause of death is unknown. After the cut, read an official statement, and watch in wonder as we attempt to lighten the mood with a joke that is not too terribly inappropriate.  

Anna Nicole Smith thinks she would make the perfect gal pal for Britney Spears. We think Brit's doing just fine stuffing her ass into two-sizes-too-small cut-off Palmetto jean shorts and making her life into a not-to-be-missed train wreck. She doesn't need a tutor. Oh sorry, Anna Nicole wears Guess. Wrong '80s throwback there.  

So you thought your mom was embarrassing when she insisted on dropping you off for your first day of high school and, dressed in a flowered muu-muu and bath slippers and curlers, pinched your cheeks and nuzzled your nose and said how much she loved her little snuggly-wuggly-piggly-poo right in front of a huge group of ultra-cool upper classmen? Well, you're sure to feel better about your mom once you contemplate this fact: Anna Nicole Smith's having a baby. So, really, it could be worse. Because after the above exchange, Anna Nicole would have ripped off the muu-muu and had sex with one of those upper classmen in the middle of the football field during a pep rally.  

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

 

We really miss Anna Nicole Smith. When our weekly issue of The National Enquirer arrives all weather damaged and postally delayed, a single tear forms in the corner of our eye and we wonder what our favorite former fat girl is up to. Is Marilyn still jealous of new pup Frankenstein? What are Anna Nicole's thoughts on the Paris Hilton/Stamos Nachos union? So hearing tales of her picking up a chick in a gay bar has made us happier than Clay Aiken in a middle-school boys' locker room.  

We haven’t yet adequately expressed our deep love and admiration for Anna Nicole Smith. Anyone who has read her column in The National Enquirer knows why she is so loved. Part of it is written by her dog, for Liberace’s sake. Mariah Carey may just have to scooch over on that pedestal we erected (hehe, erected!) for her and make room for Anna Nicole. And if Anna Nicole succeeds in her quest to get Colin Farrell to give her a private screening of his sex tape, Mariah’s gonna have to get caught in a threeway with Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell to regain the top spot in our hearts.  

• Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with viral meningitis. Whatever. We still think cuz got the dysentery.

• The Butterscotch Stallion develops a taste for chocolate.

• Hey, Scarlett. Why don't you take a fricking picture, it'll last longer.

• We have trouble believing that even the most desperate kiddiefucker in a roving gang of Hollywood pedophiles would be hard up enough to want to molest Corey Feldman.

• Meee-yow! Anna Nicole, you delicious bitch!

• Tom Cruise gives his 11-year-old costar Dakota Fanning a cell phone. Now he can beam Scientology propaganda directly into her easily-molded young brain, and she can call her coke dealer without being hassled by the 'rents. Everybody wins!

• You Know It's a Slow Gossip Day When: Angela Lansbury's knee surgery makes top headlines. Godspeed, Mrs. Potts!  

I don't know about you, but to me the names Anna Nicole Smith and Yasser Arafat go together like peanut butter and jelly.  

You bet your (formerly fat) bottom (worth half a billion) dollar, Queen Dowager Anna Nicole Smith is at it again! For the second time in a month, she was forcibly carted offstage at an awards ceremony after appearing to be hopped up on goofballs.  

Zaftig Trimspa-gobbler Anna Nicole Smith is now blaming her stumbly, slurry "performance" at the American Music Awards on poor eyesight, not booze. Someone get Liza Minelli to an optometrist, stat!  

Anna Nicole Smith, bless her heart, had to be toted offstage by a pair of burly bodyguards after a-bobbin' and a-weavin' and a-slurrin' as she attempted to introduce Kanye West. The only thing that could've made the spectacle more entertaining would have been the use of a giant novelty hook.