Sometimes reading gossip magazines is like living in the world described in A Handmaid's Tale, a world in which everyone's eyes are glued to women's lower abdomens, breathlessly anticipating the faintest hint of bloat, loose-fitting garments, or A.M. barfing. The latest uterus under scrutiny is the one nestled in Angelina Jolie's sexy guts, and sources allege that she's about to make it Irish twins. Trendy double stroller with extra-large latte holder TK!  

• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

Angelina Jolie says that she's not going to lose her laundry onscreen anymore, because she doesn't want all the babies she's been buying to see their mom as a sexy, naked viperess. However, she's neglecting to take the whole DVD business into consideration. And then there's the fact that Maddox and any other adopted sons that may come along will surely be nursing some serious issues due to their mother being arguably the most desirable Earthling around and not technically a blood relative. Fast forward a few years, and Maddox's Netflix queue will look like this:

1. Gia
2. Gia
3. Gia
4. Taking Lives
5. Gia
 

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are presently in India shooting A Mighty Heart, and they've been entangled in pickle after pickle since they've arrived. First, their bodyguard choked a photographer attempting to take a picture of Tinseltown's favorite rainbow-hued family, and yesterday, Angelina's driver was trying to escape paparazzi when he swerved into and struck a 19-year-old dude on a motorbike. Yahoo! News says:

Police confirmed to the network that 19-year-old Mittal Rawat was hit by the vehicle while Jolie was riding in the car, reading. The teenager himself was the one who pointed out that the actress' driver was looking to escape some eager paparazzi

And then she got out of the car, looked deeply into the injured teen's eyes, felt a connection, and promptly adopted him.  

Dear Suri Cruise,
'Sup, bitch?



No, seriously, how's it going? Excellent, excellent. Me? Oh, I'm doing great, thanks for asking. Yeah, so. Suri. Listen, kid. We need to clear the air. Get a few things straight, dig?

I recognize that this is your "moment", as they say. Your "mom" and "dad" were pretty goddamn tricky holding off on those pictures like that. It's caused quite a ripple 'round the old water cooler, to be sure. And you're a cute little fucker, Suri Cruise. I'll give you that.

But listen to me now and listen to me closely. In the world of celebrity offspring, there can be only one alpha baby. And that baby is me. Me. Top dog! Numero uno! Oh, you might have china doll eyes and that unexpected shock of black hair--oh, and I talked to Ken Paves, nice extensions, trick--but who inherited a pair of billion dollar lips? Oh, would you lookee there, it was me! Who has the dreamy bedroom eyes of her golden boy matinee idol father? Me again! Who's got squeezably soft cheeks, skin like fresh cream, and a dad who isn't a certifiable fruit? Me, me, and me. And in case you've forgotten, who got a whopping $4.1 million for her first pictures? I needn't remind you that it was ME.

For now, I'm going to let you sit back and enjoy your fifteen minutes. But when you're sixteen years old and locked up in a little room with a dead-eyed team of Scientologists extracting imagniary alien ghosts from your ass with a machine made of Tinker Toys while I'm traveling the world as an internationally respected supermodel-philanthropist, remember this: You're a full one month and eight days older than me. Enjoy the Botox, bitch.

Love and kisses,
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt  

From the mind and hands of the man who brought us the magnificent, hair-raising artistic works "Britney Spears Births Sean Preston" and "Suri Cruise's First Turd" comes a new sculpture depicting Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie engaged in a threesome. The piece will be lovingly cast in bronze, because you just can't capture the teeth-gritted expression hatefucking brings about with marble or clay.  

We've got to keep up with the Johnsons and the Smiths and the Egotastics and the Idontlikeyouinthatways, so we're introducing a new feature. At the end of each month, we'll be your bloggy Rick Dees and will count down the top five search phrases (not including "CelebNewsWire" and its variants) people use to get to this site. There aren't a lot of surprises here, aside from the fact that "fergie pee" has finally slipped out of the top ten, and that one person (hi, Dad!) found us by searching for "Jessica Simpson hanging labia".  

When you're a child, every birthday is a milestone. From playing "stack the Big Macs" at your sixth birthday at McDonald's, to your roller rink hoe-down at nine, to frenching Cody Johnson in the wood-paneled rec room closet at your thirteenth, they're all important winners. And if there's one thing you can count on for every single birthday, it's a mawkish, Raggedy Ann-emblazoned card from the grandparents so syrupy sweet, you're gently coaxed into a diabetic coma. Unless you're the child of Angelina Jolie. Then you're S.O.L. because Pappy Voight can't even tell the difference between you and a fully grown South American singer who has a penchant for singing about her hips and humble breasts.  

Angelina Jolie's man-trap is hungry, and when Sigmund (hey, we didn't name it) is hungry, men best stay out of Angelina's way, lest they end up divorcing their wife, taking on a Haitian orphan village, and reducing their vocabulary to "Yes, Dear" and "Of course I care very very deeply about the situation in Darfur."  

Watch out, Angelina. You must do exactly as I say. Be very still. There is a man behind you who is about to incapacitate you and steal your wax baby. But please don't panic. Just start moving your arms very slowly. There. Now reach for the baby . . . ok, RUN! RUN ANGELINA!  

It's such a slow gossip day that we actually contemplated writing an ENTIRE story on Selma Blair divorcing that one Zappa (the weirder one, we think), but then we started thinking about her sex scene in Storytelling and had to take a long shower and scrub our skin raw with Comet. So we're going to abandon that idea and go with a paparazzo being arrested for jumping the fence at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's daycare center. And, yes, we are counting a four-year-old as a famous, newsworthy person. You wanna take it up with our fists? They're called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One will caress you while the other schemes to pummel you. And they've got a taste for skin today, bitches.  

We bet you thought that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and their--what is it up to now? eighteen?--rainbow-colored children were the embodiment of peace and love and man's humanity toward man or some bullshit. They're all made of sunshine and kitten's whiskers and ice-cream cones and unicorn essence, right? Well, not everyone in Namibia thinks that way. Some people think they're the new Lewis and Clark. Or Vasco de Gama. Or . . . man, we really shouldn't have dropped out of the eighth grade because we can't remember the names of any more explorers. Columbus was one, right?  

• Heath Ledger got squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!

• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of mom, dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra here.

• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.

• Speaking of Lindsay, she incurred the fiery wrath of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.

• Elle MacPherson is still a foxy MacPerson.

• Nicole Richie, mad with hunger, throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?

• Jessica Alba pulls a Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with tape. Son of a bitch.

• Katherine Heigl wants to show off her Grey's Anatomy on a sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.

• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes Mariah's nipples hard.

• Chris "alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the beard that Topher Grace just shaved off.  

Last weekend, Angelina and Brad had professional pictures taken of freshly borned babe Piloh Shitt--er, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt--and auctioned them off to the highest bidder. The pics went to People for a staggering $4.1 million, which will be donated to charity.

(*Erm, we had to take the picture down. The Jolie-Pitt law-talkin' team is making everyone remove the leaked shots. Apparently, the view of The Chosen One's flawless baby features was turning mortals to stone.*)

We're not sure if this is a clever fake (why is it so pixellated and cruddy? Why is it the cover of Hello!?), but the baby certainly looks suitably Jolie-esque. And how apropos would it be to release the pictures of The Facial Messiah on 6/6/06? Perhaps little Shiloh was sent from above to do battle against the forces of evil. And by "forces of evil" we mean "uglies".  

The facially superior fruit of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sex organs was birthed into this world on Saturday. We have to admit we're a little disappointed. We thought the world would feel . . . different, somehow. Brighter. Sexier.  

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod gasp gasp gasp faint puke die scream holy crapola swoon swoon!!!!! If the sun seems to be shining a little brighter today, if your complexion seems a little clearer, if the air smells a little sweeter, it's because Angelina Jolie is presently splaying her long, honeyed legs and gently discharging the eye-searingly hunky infant from America's Sexiest Uterus.

Or not, whatever. But if she is? Well then, friends, remember: you read it here first.  

Angelina Jolie's futon-lipped mug dons the cover of People's annual "100 Most Beautiful" issue. Not to be outdone, the UK version of FHM magazine named Keira Knightley the Sexiest Woman Alive. There's only one way to settle this. And that's with tea and scones at noon followed by a civilized game of chess. No, no, not a naked Vaselined caged match. Why on earth would we want to see something like that?

 

We have a message for all you poor, starving, homeless people around the world (because we know the one luxury you just cannot live without is CelebNewsWire): Your worries will soon be over, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to save you. So gather up your daily allotment of rice, patch up the holes in your dancing shoes, lock up your hovels, and gather 'round the community shitting ditch, because it's time for a party.  

Last December, Angelina Jolie's erstwhile ladylove, model and big blabbermouth Jenny Shimizu, crowed from the rooftops about Angie's "warm, mushy" lips and the fact that she dug broads too much to fully commit to Pitt. And Angelina must have wisely cut her off from that sweet, sweet no-wang banging, because Jenny has stepped up her game and granted an interview with the UK's highly questionable (yet definitely amusing) News of the World in which she spritzed a gentle, rainbow-colored mist of Too Much (Really Sexy) Information for all the world to see.  

Another day, another lad mag tells you whom you should masturbate to tonight. And in what may be the upset of the century--or at least right behind that whole Crash/Brokeback Mountain thing--Scarlett Johansson is now your top masturbatory fantasy. Jessica Alba is crying into her no-nudity clause as we speak.  

In a move even more astonishing than finding out that Jessica Alba is sexy and Scarlett Johansson is pretty, Angelina Jolie has been officially named the #1 dream girl of lesbians across the land.  

Did Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt secretly wed? Will their baby be so hot that sex between a full-grown adult and a newborn baby will no longer be taboo? Is Ange jealous of all of Brad's past fucks? The questions, the questions. How will we ever sleep through the night with so many unanswered questions?  

• A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.

• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.

• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!

• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!

• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.

• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.

• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.

• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.

• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!  

Have you missed such movies as Hackers, Mojave Moon, Foxfire, Gia, Pushing Tin, and Taking Lives? Have been thinking to yourself, "Damn, that Angelina Jolie is fine. I wish I could see just one tiny inch of her ass crack." Self-obsessed fashion designer and pretend magazine editor Tom Ford heard your cries, you poor, disconnected lover of all things Jolie. He wants you to see as much Angelina ass crack as Vanity Fair will allow.  

You know the things you would do to Angelina Jolie if you ever found her lunching at the Cracker Barrel down the street from the factory where you work? If you were a Jennifer Aniston fan you'd want to smear mashed potatoes in her face and give her a good spanking. Actually that's probably not far off from what you were thinking.  

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak.  

Are you sick of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and their adorable mixed bag o' babies yet? Are you also sick of chocolate and pizza and sex and puppies? You sure are one cold bastard. But if you can take any more of the world of "I'm better than you" that is Brangelina, read on for news of their maybe/maybe not wedding and their possible boy/possible girl baby! So we're telling you they're either getting married or they're not and they're either having a boy or girl. God, aren't we helpful today?  

Hey, Brad Pitt is now the official real dad of Angelina's adopted kids. Hey, people are reporting that she's carrying twins. Hey, whatever. We're finding it more and more difficult to muster up enough enthusiasm to report on the goings-on of Brangelina. Now that they've come clean and admitted their impending infant and couplehood (yeah, we just made a Paul Reiser reference, what of it), we've just lost interest. The thrill of the forbidden is gone.  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

Do you remember yesterday? We brought you news of the Colin Farrell sex tape that briefly hit the internet and Lindsay Lohan calling a respected Vanity Fair writer a big stinkin' liar. And there was something else. It was so long ago we can't quite remember. Oh, right, that's it. Angelina Jolie was all knocked up 'n' shit. Those were good times, weren't they? There'll never be another day quite like it. And it just kept on getting better when Brad Pitt finally opened his publicist's relationship-denying mouth and confirmed his virility.