The Hollywood poop.
filed under: celebrities
November 30, 2006
Britney Finally Purchases Poon Shields
Our traffic's been through the roof the past few days. This might be the result of our beautiful new makeover (Lordy, but that Botox hurt; however, don't we look just like Nicole Kidman now?), or it might be due to the fact that we've been plastering the site with photographs of the meaty door through which the babies Federspears entered this dimension. Today, we're feeling a little empty and unfulfilled, as it appears that Britney has decided to tuck her business back into the pants from whence it came. This might have something to do with the fact that yesterday afternoon, she treated herself to a $3000 underwear shopping spree. Or maybe she fashioned a jaunty diaper out of those paper towels she bought at CVS. more »
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With Womb Barren, J. Lo Turns Her Weary Eyes to Xenu
Yesterday we reported that J. Lo and Marc Anthony's attempt at IVF proved, sadly, unsuccessful for the childless couple. Today, we're told that she's taking Scientology tips from the kindly-seeming but ultimately dastardly Leah Remini. We can see how J. Lo would be impressed by the fact that after two marriages and fifteen years with no pregnancies, Tom Cruise was able to plant an infant in virgin Katie Holmes after knowing her for a couple of weeks. That's definitely the magic of Scientology and not that of a syringe, an issue of Blue Boy, and a rag soaked in chloroform. more »
November 29, 2006
She's a Slave 4 Cooze
Ah, we get it. Britney saw The Break-Up and was inspired by Jennifer Aniston's celluloid move of waxing off her nether wig to tantalize her ex.Yes, indeedy! Show off your bald beav to throngs of strangers. That'll teach the Fed not to treat you like an ATM with an oft-full womb! Boy oh boy, you are learnin' him but good!
You know the drill by now. Cut, click, panty hamster. more »
Well, What Is She, Paris, a Firecrotch or a Coked-out Whore?
We're beginning to think that Lindsay Lohan is terribly naive and doesn't understand simple, straightforward insults. To Lindsay being called Firecrotch means that she possesses a fiery love in her loins that she wishes to spread to all the world's inhabitants (or at least the hot ones with trust funds). And Paris Hilton calling Lindsay a "coked-out whore" just means that she's really popular and full of energy and Paris really likes her. "Coked-out whore" is the new BFF, as in, "This is my coked-out whore, Lindsay Lohan." more »
Kevin Federline: Porn-Star Porker?
Kevin Federline's rumored affair with former porn star Kendra Jade could be the reason behind the Ferderspears divorce. But we're not sure if we buy into the rumor, as the woman who played Brunette With Worms On Her Body in Ass Clowns is still a few notches up the pseudo-celeb sexual feeding chain from KFed. more »
Kate Winslet's Slip of the Tongue Implies Cameron Slipped Her Tongue
And now for the unintentionally erotic quote of day, in which Kate Winslet tells David Letterman what she thought of her co-star in The Holiday:
Cameron Diaz could literally eat me under a table!Hopefully the sight of Britney's vagina for the third day in a row hasn't irreversibly numbed your brain and you still have the imagination to piece together a mental image of Cammy crouching under a white-clothed table to enjoy a little box lunch while Kate tries not to betray her pleasure to her dining companions. Enjoy! more »
CNW Junk Drawer: Lips and Teeth
Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.
She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!
J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.
In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.
Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcιe and serving up lippage.
Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.
Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.
Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.
She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!
J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.
In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.
Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcιe and serving up lippage.
Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.
Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.
Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.
November 28, 2006
Oops! . . . I Flashed It Again. And Again. And Again.
Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out. more »
Jessica Suckson Caught on Tape?
We absolutely, unequivocally believe that we are just moments away from seeing Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey perform the hillbilly interpretation of sex on our very own moving-image-machine thingy. But then again, we also believe that we are a magical creature birthed of the union of a unicorn and a hallucinogenic mushroom and that we can shoot diamonds encased in fire out of our ass. So what we believe might not hold much water. more »
Lindsay Wishes Lindsay Would Stop Lying About Lindsay
Yesterday Lindsay Lohan was all like, "Paris hit me. She's such a bitch." Today she's all like, "Paris is my best friend. Why is everyone spreading these lies about us?" And tomorrow she'll be all like, "Paris Hilton is half donkey. And that's not a metaphor or whatever. Her real dad is a donkey. But I still love her." more »
"Tasty Former Stylist Skewers" the Closest Nicole Richie Gets to Food
We better watch our backs and our Moveable Type--Nicole Richie is getting into the gossip game. More specifically, she is getting into the blind item game, as evidenced by this little number she penned and left on her MySpace blog:
While it doesn't assault the eyes and mind with the verbal gymnastics of a Ted Casablancas, this ain't a bad first effort, especially "raisin face" and "lettucecup". But if we were Nicole, we would have taken--nay, relished--the opportunity to write "74-year-old" instead of "35", or whatever Ms. Zoe's true age might actually be. more »
What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup...
While it doesn't assault the eyes and mind with the verbal gymnastics of a Ted Casablancas, this ain't a bad first effort, especially "raisin face" and "lettucecup". But if we were Nicole, we would have taken--nay, relished--the opportunity to write "74-year-old" instead of "35", or whatever Ms. Zoe's true age might actually be. more »
November 27, 2006
BREAKING: Pam Anderson Puts Her Enormous Fake Breasts Back on the Market
Always one to jump on a PETA-approved trend, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from her husband of less than four months, Kid Rock. We know that the trend-setting abilities of Reese and Ryan and, especially, Britney and KFed are often irresistable to lesser-caliber celebrities, but we thought Pam and Kid's shared love of plastic palookas constrained by teeny bikinis, PBR, and rabbit-like sex in public (we assume) would be enough to last at least a year or two. more »
Brit's Ladymitt? Kinda.
Man. We go away for a holiday weekend and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED that we are finding it next to impossible to keep up. No, we're not talking about Heidi Klum discharging Sealbaby 2 from her womb or Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams procuring a marriage license, nor are we referring to Michael Richards apologizing to various sundry members of the African-American community. We're talking about the important stuff; namely, Britney Spears becoming LYLAS 4-EVA BFFs with Paris Hilton, and appropriately adjusting her wardrobe to reflect said status.
To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page. more »
To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page. more »
Paris Hit Lindsay (And It Felt Like a Dis)
Paris might be busy using Britney Spears as a hotness inflator, but it seems that she still has enough time to tilt her magnifying glass of evil towards the hapless ant that is Lindsay Lohan, cackling as she sizzles under the sun's death ray. Apparently, Paris must have really enjoyed the taste of blood she got from her alleged Shanna Moakler fisticuffs, and has gotten a little punchy with our poor, beleaguered Firecrotch. more »
Tom Cruise Gets Fashion Tips from Your Grandma
Remember a week or so ago when we told you that Tomfat was too, well, fat to fit into his wedding tux? Luckily Giorgio Armani has some experience working with bingers and purgers and knows how to hide a few extra calories clinging to the hips: Slap a girdle on it and watch it waddle down the runway, hoping the seams can hold in the tide of blubber until the after party. more »
Heidi Klum Not as Good at Making Music as She Is at Making Babies
Friday morning as you were climbing over the little old lady with the club foot to get to the half-price cashmere rack, you heard the strains of Wham!'s "Last Christmas" and knew that you were in for a torturous month of George Michael haunting your dreams. But just be thankful that the Christmas stylings of Heidi Klum have yet to make it to the overhead sound system at Macy's.
(And, yes, we realize that we are making fun of a woman who just days ago gave birth to her third child, but we're ok with that.) more »
(And, yes, we realize that we are making fun of a woman who just days ago gave birth to her third child, but we're ok with that.) more »
November 22, 2006
We Would Have Gone with "If You Had My Jugs"
Jennifer Lopez being "hopping mad" is nothing new. When her personal trailers on movie sets are scented of freesia instead of the orange clove/blonde woods combo she craves, she is known to pitch a Mariah Carey sized conniption. The latest thing to cause J. Lo to J. Blow her lid is the fact that she will be parodied in a porno. Uhhh, personally, we don't see why that would be a reason for disgust--having your own porn tribute means you've made it! That, and being immortalized in song by Weird Al. And since Jen's already been namechecked in his song "Couch Potato", she's got nowhere to go but down from here. more »
Oops! . . . I Dildo'd It Again Just a Figment of Your Imagination
When celebrity couples break up we are usually reduced to crying and screaming and weeping and kicking passing puppies in the head. But when Britney Spears and Kevin Federline broke up we baked a twelve-layer cake, drank a case of two buck Chuck, and took the good jewels out of the vault. It was a party. But the crying and screaming et al. can now commence, as Kevin claims that no Ferderspears sex tape exists. more »
Mischa Barton Vastly Overestimates Cisco Adler's Importance
Mischa Barton, sad over her waning career and slovenly unwashed paramour, cries and cries and demands an engagement ring and threatens to kill herself and take her poor dog with her. We're not sure what's more disturbing: Puppy murder or thinking Cisco Adler makes an ideal life mate. more »
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Know How to Learn Anything I Want to Learn."
Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.
John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.
Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.
Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.
Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!
Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"
Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?
Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?
Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.
John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.
Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.
Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.
Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!
Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"
Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?
Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?
Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.
November 21, 2006
Panty Party with Paris
Paris Hilton recently attended Jay-Z's concert in Las Vegas and apparently, she misheard his lyric "no panties and jeans, that's so necessary" as "no panties and jeans, that's unnecessary."
Which is very unlike Paris, but still, even with her crotch safely tucked inside its satiny blue prison, at least she took the "H to the izzo" part straight to heart. more »
Which is very unlike Paris, but still, even with her crotch safely tucked inside its satiny blue prison, at least she took the "H to the izzo" part straight to heart. more »
After Showing Her Panties, Paris Gets Pukey
During a recent performance (following that Jay-Z offering we just told you about) Paris Hilton puked while on stage. And, no, that's not a euphemism for her vocal abilities. more »
More Crazy/Than Beautiful
We recently insinutated that Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom might be doing the cucumber rhumba, and now, all signs are pointing to yes as they've gone rather public with their affection as of late. Ordunsto is as curious a coupled specimen as they come. He is fully waxed, razored, peculiarly devoid of visible pores, longhaired, and enjoys the feel of tailored trousers against his eunuch pubis mound. She is slouchy, grubby, usually coated in a thin sheen of oil with a hearty dose of filth under her nails, braless, and smells vaguely of Tanqueray. We're not exactly sure how their lovemaking works, though we'd assume it involves lots of prop jeweled rapiers and, possibly, vampiric bloodsucking. more »
Scream Weaver
Yes, indeed, Britney's dastardly plan of cleaning herself up and getting hot and viable again post-Federsplit is coming along quite nicely.
The only thing that could make that weave sexier is a wad of gum and a used maxi pad stuck in it. more »
The only thing that could make that weave sexier is a wad of gum and a used maxi pad stuck in it. more »
November 20, 2006
Courtney Love Pops Out
Someday you will ache like I ache . . . in the crotch!
It's Courtney Love naked in Pop magazine! more »
It's Courtney Love naked in Pop magazine! more »
Paris and Britney: Sisters in Sex Tapes?
Paris: Everyone knows that I'm, like, super super hot, but I just figured something out. If I stand next to people who get their clothes out of the Salvation Army drop box and can't keep their weaves on straight--like this girl--I look even hotter. more »
Tom Thumb Takes a Bride
Well, it was a monumental weekend, folks.
That's right! You are correct. It WAS, indeed the annual Winter Dreamscape Ball at Tinsley Frank Senior High. It was truly a night to remember, as evidenced by this beautiful portrait of the couple crowned Prince and Princess Snowflake, snapped right before their official dance to "I Still Believe" by Brenda K. Starr! more »
That's right! You are correct. It WAS, indeed the annual Winter Dreamscape Ball at Tinsley Frank Senior High. It was truly a night to remember, as evidenced by this beautiful portrait of the couple crowned Prince and Princess Snowflake, snapped right before their official dance to "I Still Believe" by Brenda K. Starr! more »
And He Still Gets to Pork a Model
Pete Doherty was pulled over yesterday for driving like an out-of-control crackhead and was then arrested for possession of crack. We would love to report fully on this story, but it's Monday morning, we're tired, and, frankly, we're getting a little sick of this shit.
November 17, 2006
Paris Hilton: A Braless "Piece of Shit" with Chancres
A day in the life of Paris Hilton: gets called "piece of shit," is reminded to always remember her herpes medication, slips a boob. It's so much like a day in the life of CelebNewsWire, it's eerie. more »
Lindsay Lohan: Scars N' Snatch
Before yesterday's "GQ Obsession" post, we went for six cold, long, and empty days with nary a mention of The Lohan. What was she doing for those six days? Needlepoint? Dawson's Creek marathon? Diana Ross's son? As it turns out, she might have been CUTTING. Or maybe "cunting" would be more appropriate. After the cu(n)t, scars and more fiery crotch! more »
K-Fed Loves Kids, Money
Kevin Federline is sticking to his claim that's he's a great parent and loves his kids. He just can't buy them shit like food and clothes and shelter and Bubble Yum. more »
Derek Jeter Gets to First with Jessica Biel
Even thought she was rumored to be possibly throwing it to Zach Braff just last week, the word is that Jessica Biel is now maybe dating Derek Jeter. Sorry, but we're never going to be able to take anyone named JETER seriously. That's not the name of a virile sportsman. That is the name of a Saturday morning television show puppet who teaches you about cooperation and sharing. more »
November 16, 2006
GQ's a Little Obsessed with Lohan
GQ must've felt a little bad for old gal Lindsay Lohan. All the other starlets snapped up every other magazine's superlatives--ScarJo was named Esquire's Sexiest Woman, Jessica Alba nabbed the title of Most Kissable, and Beyoncι has the Best Booty. So the good folks at GQ created "Obsession of the Year" just for Lindsay, which is kind of akin to winning the "Positive Mental Attitude" award at cheerleading camp after "Prettiest Legs" and "Whitest Smile" have already been doled out. more »
Kevin Federline Begs for Money Britney
Kevin Federline is begging Britney Spears to take him back. Obviously this is motivated by a deep commitment to his home and family and a love for his children and a devotion to his wife. It has nothing to do with the fact that he'll soon be a charter member of the Burger King layaway plan. more »