CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
• Anna Kournikova gets involved in a girl-on-girl brawl. Your fantasies become reality. (Daily Stab)
• Courtney Love vows to gain 15 pounds. Oh, it's going to be a hard road. A tough challenge to face. It will take a lot of dedication. She's going to have to eat food and . . . uh, yeah, that's about it. That should do it. (Celebitchy)
• Awkward celebrity boners. A beautiful stroll through a serene photo collage. (Cityrag)
• The eldest of the brothers Jonas, Kevin Jonas, is engaged to be married and reportedly will lose his virginity. Tween girls would be upset, but Kevin is known as Fugly Jonas so w/e. (Daily Stab)
It wasn't all sobbing hysteria, MJ tributes, and Lohan in a half shirt this weekend. No, friends, some beautiful things happened too. For example, former Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson married her beau, pro athlete Hank Baskett, at the Playboy Mansion. From the looks of these grainy, shoddy pictures, it was a lovely wedding. Really, it seems like the fairy tale wedding every little girl dreams of! Fancy white dress, handsome strong groom, an aisle covered in rose petals, pretty bridesmaids in matching dresses, an out-of wedlock fetus in the bride's womb, the octogenarian the bride used to coax into erection in the crowd, all taking place on the very spot that Gene Simmons gave strippers VD in the 1980s. I think I saw this one in a very special issue of Modern Bride.
You thought you'd never see the day, but possibly the world's worst hyphenation prospects are now a possiblity: Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard have married. Says IMDb:
The Dark Knight star Maggie Gyllenhaal has wed her actor boyfriend Peter Sarsgaard in a romantic ceremony in Italy.
The couple exchanged vows in a small chapel in Brindisi on Saturday, with the actress' brother Jake Gyllenhaal and his girlfriend Reese Witherspoon among the guests in attendance, reports RadarOnline.com.
The pair, who have been dating since 2002, have a two-year-old daughter, Ramona.
It was a lovely ceremony. White lilies adorned the idyllic chapel. The pianist played a romantic sonata. The bride wore Vera Wang and—swayed by fear of swine flu wafting on the stagnant air in a confined space—a Peter Sarsgaard Sars Guard.
We normally have a strict "no Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt stories" rule that we follow to the letter, but since today's a very slow news day, here you go. Heidi and Spencer got married this weekend. Legitimately , this time. And from the looks of this picture, the couple got started on the honeymoon early. Get it? Do you get it? Hahahaha, seriously, GET IT????? It's because she's let her hair down in loose carefree waves befitting the casual style of a new bride relaxing on her honeymoon, see.
• So they're saying Pamela Anderson is set to wed again. This time to scuba diver Jamie Padgett. Eighteenth time's a charm! (Yeeeah!)
• Jamie Foxx wants Miley Cyrus to do heroin, smoke crack, make a sex tape, and get chlamydia from a bicycle seat. Uh, it was a tractor and my doctor said it totally can happen, thank you very much. (Pop on the Pop)
• Porn star Marilyn Chambers slips behind the green door of life and into the great beyond. RIP, lady. (Mr Skin)
• Angelina Jolie named Most Beautiful Woman by Vanity Fair. That's so fucking controversial, man! Can you even believe it? We're outraged! Outraged!!! (Celebitchy)
• Remember yesterday, when we posted pics of Jessica Simpson in a muumuu and said we liked the look? Well, we were right. Because now there are naked ass upskirt shots. Ka-BOOM. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Lindsay Lohan shows all the depth of your seventh grade production of Pecos Bill and Slue Foot Sue Meet the Dirty Dan gang in a new video for FunnyorDie. (DailyStab)
• Hey, look! Naked babes with strategically covered nipples in Allure! (The Blemish)
In today's bullshit Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie story, they're getting married! Yay! Except that if they got married every time a magazine said they would, they'd have more ceremonies under their belts than Larry King. Says OK! magazine (via Celebitchy):
Superstar parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are the world’s most glamorous couple — but one thing has been missing from their seemingly perfect lives: A marriage certificate.
Now a friend of the pair tells OK! that Brad, 45, has issued Angie, 33, an ultimatum: “Brad’s told her, ‘Marry me, or it’s over.’ ”
What’s more, another source says, Brad told Angie — who hopes to add to their six children — “he definitely wants to get married before they have any more babies.”
Why is Brad putting his foot down? While his Oscar-winning baby-mama frantically pursues film and humanitarian work, he’s essentially been a single dad — and he’s “stressed out,” a friend of Brad tells OK!.
Both Brad and Angie — now holed up at NYC’s posh Waldorf Astoria hotel while she films the spy thriller Salt — are even too fried for sex. “Their relationship is so out of kilter, he believes marriage is the only thing that will bring it back around.”
Wait, Brad thinks that getting married will result in more sex? His one experience with matrimony was with Jennifer Aniston, and we're guessing she's the only-on-weekends type.
So Bruce Willisgot married this weekend. Huh. Really, what can we say about that? We hope his new bride (32-year-old model Emma Heming) likes the feel of a newborn's fuzzy head? Mazel tov to them and whatnot, but the real story here is Bruce's ex-wife, Demi Moore, who attended the ceremony with her new husband, Ashton "Mike" Kutcher, and her three children with Willis. (What, you expect a second marriage to be about the new wife? Your naiveté amuses us.) Her newer, younger model was just living his life, tweeting as normal, when he decided the view from his hotel couch was too good to keep to himself. So Ashton Twittered Demi's shitter:
watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck
I'm not wearing the bikini she is that's what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck
shhh don't tell wifey http://twitpic.com/2bj58
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck
Don't tell this very famous woman whose ass I am photographing and posting on the internet that I'm photographing her ass and posting it on the internet? Sure, Ashton, we won't tell a soul.
• Country star LeeAnn Rimes. She's bubbly! She's adorable! She's America's sweetheart! She's having hot, sweaty, extramarital sexual intercourse with actor Eddie Cibrian! (Us Weekly)
• Things are not looking good for Natasha Richardson, who suffered a serious brain injury after skiing and is rumored to be brain dead. Just another reason strapping sticks to your feet and sliding down an icy mountain is a preposterous notion. Dang, but this is sad. (Celeb Warship)
• Tiny Smurfling Christina Ricci is engaged to freaky beanpole Owen Benjamin. Their children will be . . . average? (Pop on the Pop)
• Furthermore, crack baby Bijou Phillips is engaged to long-term boyfriend Danny Masterson. Because who wouldn't want to marry a girl you can call "Beej"? (Daily Stab)
• Charlize Theron uses her hand as a brassiere. Good job! Now use 'em as a jockstrap, baby. (Cityrag)
• Kate Moss's gigundo nipple muscles its way into a photo shoot. Because it is an autonomous being, with its own brain, emotions, and soul. (Drunken Stepfather)
Oh Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. What are you thinking? Here's what we think happened: Mandy Moore moving along, growing up, getting sick of her blonde hair and her cutesy songs and her marginally entertaining/marginally Jesus-y movies when she found her way to the set of the so-much-potential-so-little-laughs American Idol parody American Dreamz when she found herself on the receiving end of a groping Hugh Grant. Only Hugh startled Mandy, who fell and hit her head. Then she said, "Sure, I think it's a great idea to make a movie where I do a sing-along with Diane Keaton and Lauren Graham and that girl from Coyote Ugly." Then she said, "Sure, Ryan Adams, I'll marry you." And that's where we are today. Says Us Weekly:
Mandy Moore and rocker Ryan Adams have wed, reps for both stars confirm to Usmagazine.com.
They tied the knot Tuesday in Savannah, Georgia, adds the reps.
The secret wedding should come as no surprise.
After confirming her engagement to Adams in February, Moore said she wanted the wedding to be "less ... of a big deal."
"Hopefully, it can happen and slip by unnoticed by everybody," said the singer, 24, who has dated Adams, 34, off-and-on since March 2008. "I guess we have to be sort of sneaky about it, but I'll see what I can accomplish."
She added that she has never been "that kind of girl" who obsesses over her wedding day and added that she hadn't even thought about a dress.
"I kind of feel like, because I've been able to get married in a few films, I kind of got the whole giant wedding fuss out of my system," Moore said.
In April's Marie Claire, Moore calls Adams "a good egg. I'm in awe of him -- his brain, his passion. He's truly one of a kind."
Mandy's impressive cover of "Umbrella" had finally given us permission to forgive her for "Candy" and now she's gonna go and ruin it with a duet with that unkempt douche, we just know it.
This morning was the running of the brides at Filene's Basement, causalities yet untallied. Undoubtedly some women came away very happy with their discount dresses, and we're sure their Lee-Press-on-Nail-scratched faces will recover in time for the big day. But some lucky people don't have to go through such hardships to look fabulous on the big day. Like Gisele Bundchen's dogs, who were resplendent in Dolce & Gabbana at Mommy's wedding last evening to drippy football hunk Tom Brady. Says Us Weekly:
It's official!
Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady wed Thursday just before 6 p.m. at the St. Monica Catholic Church in Santa Monica, Calif., Usmagazine.com confirms.
The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars.
Dolce & Gabbana most recently dressed Fergie for her January nuptials to Josh Duhamel.
The ceremony -- which began at dusk -- was "very small and intimate," a source tells Us, adding that guests mostly consisted of immediate family. Brady's 1 ½ son with ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, John Edward Thomas Moynahan, was also present.
(Fitting, as Bundchen once described her ideal wedding as "a simple ceremony...I don't like parties, I prefer something more intimate, just for the closest people.")
After the wedding, they had a small gathering at their home in L.A.'s Brentwood neighborhood. Brady's wedding band was visible upon leaving the church, while Bundchen carried her new stepson to the car.
Man, these two are boring. "I don't like parties. I'm too beautiful to be satiated by your pedestrian forms of entertainment. I've never even heard 'The Electric Slide.'"
All you pervos fantasizing about sticking it into a virgin can go back to watching Hannah Montana reruns now, because the world's most famous intact hymen, Adriana Lima, got hitched. So presumably she then had sex. Unless she married Gary Coleman, but that's about as likely as her marrying you. Says People:
An engagement ring on her birthday and a secret marriage on Valentine's Day – who knew jocks could be so romantic!
Adriana Lima, a Brazilian supermodel and a Victoria's Secret Angel, eloped with NBA star Marko Jaric on Feb. 14 in Jackson Hole, Wyo., in a small, private civil ceremony, PEOPLE confirms exclusively.
"We are so excited about our future together," says Lima. "And we are really looking forward to a big romantic wedding this summer with all of our friends and family."
The pair, who want their next wedding celebration in Brazil or Jaric's native Serbia, met in 2006 and were engaged last June on Lima's 27th birthday.
"I was not the person to fall in love easily," Jaric, 29, who plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves, told PEOPLE last March. "I am a difficult person from that standpoint. Now, it's a little different situation."
Nuts. Now you'll never get to poke your pork in a virgin supermodel. And you were so close, dude!
Jumping through space and/or time is pretty sexy. Just ask that fox on wheels, Scott Bakula! Which is why we can understand how Hayden Christensen and cute Rachel Bilson fell in love on the set of Jumper. The frenzied warping! The hand-holding! The special effects! Traveling through other dimensions is like an intravenous shot of funky cold medina straight to the groin. And now, word has it that the pair is engaged to be married. IMDb reports:
And there could soon be wedding bells according to New York gossip column PageSix, after Bilson was spotted on a flight from Los Angeles airport to New York's JFK on Monday wearing a sparkling diamond ring.
A source tells the publication, "A man sitting in front of her on the plane saw a ring on her finger and asked if she was married."
And Bilson was said to have replied, "I'm not married yet, just engaged. I know I look like I'm 15 but I'm actually 27."
She's a big eye painting come to life. He's Anakin Skywalker. Together, they are Bilsonsen! And they will continue to be. For eternity. Or until one of them dies. Or until she gets tired of wearing a strap-on and a faux mustache, whichever comes first.
Oh, Salma Hayek's natural knockers. How many times you've dreamt of them. Kneading them like two especially heavenly loaves of sourdough. Using them as the world's most perfect pillow on a long flight. Swinging them up and down to see if they have enough bounce to reach her chin. Ah, the things you could do with those beautiful boobies. Except now only one man has access to their lusciousness. Oh, and did we mention he's a billionaire? These is no justice in the world. People reports:
Salma Hayek has married French businessman Francois-Henri Pinault, Monday's online edition of the weekly French newsmagazine Le Point reports.
Hayek, 42, and Pinault, 46, were married on Saturday – St. Valentine's Day – in the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in central Paris, according to the publication, which is owned by the Pinault family.
Sixth Arrondissement Mayor Jean-Pierre Lecoq subsequently confirmed the report to the French news agency Agence France-Presse.
There had been recent reports that the couple – whose daughter, Valentina Paloma Pinault, was born in Los Angeles in September 2007 – had reunited after they had called off their marital engagement in July 2008.
The two had originally announced their engagement in March 2007.
Friends of the couple tell PEOPLE that a Paris trip in September (when Hayek attended the Balenciaga fashion show) and another in November helped rekindle the pair's relationship. Adds a source, they were "very evidently in love with each other, very affectionate in public" together at the Dubai Film Festival in December.
Only last week, Hayek, who's been appearing on NBC's 30 Rock, told TV host Rachael Ray that when she kisses Alec Baldwin on the show, "I keep telling Francois, 'I imagine I was kissing you.' "
Pinault is CEO of the luxury giant PPR and the son of one of France's richest men, Francois Pinault, whose fortune last year was estimated to be $16.9 billion by Forbes magazine.
Besides his daughter with Hayek, Pinaut also has two children from a previous marriage.
How unfair that such excesses of good fortune should be bestowed upon one man. She wouldn't show Jack Donaghy (or us) the crazy underwears she was wearing, but she'll show that and more to a French billionaire? No fair at all.
Our deep, fanatical, and frankly kind of creepy obsession with luminously hot Mandy Moore has never been the stuff of secrets. Any chance we get to wax poetic about her glorious smile, her entertaining, semi-Jesusy films, and her positive attitude, we take. But Mandy, by God, has some seriously terrible taste when it comes to choosing mates with which to make love. We're like an overbearing, Joe Simpson-like father, and we only want what's best for our special little girl. And what's best is decidedly NOT a whiny, bloat-bag alt country chump. Crap! Bitten and Bound reports:
Singer and actress Mandy Moore is officially off the market after becoming engaged to singer Ryan Adams. The exciting news was confirmed by her publicist, Jillian Fowkes.
Mandy and Ryan have been seeing each other on and off since March 2008. This may be a little confusing because it sounded very much like Mandy and ex-boyfriend DJ AM had rekindled their union after the tragic plane crash that he and fellow musician Travis Barker survived. Now we’re told that she was just standing by her friend’s side.
Ryan will be leaving his band, The Cardinals, this March, deciding to devote all of his time to writing. Adams is ready to release a series of poems and stories titled Infinity Blues.
Things could be worse, we suppose--Mandy has a whole passel of objectionable exes from which to choose a reunion. Asking us to choose between marrying Ryan Adams and marrying Zach Braff is like asking us if we want our Drano-laced cupcake with pink sprinkles or yellow.
Claire Danes and her British boyfriend, Hugh Dancy, are engaged, her rep confirms to Usmagazine.com. The couple have been inseparable since meeting on the 2007 film Evening.
We didn't really know anything about Hugh Dancy other than the fact that his name sounds as gay as an Ungaro spring frock, so we looked up his filmography to double check. And of course we were humbled by his testosterone-charged virility as evidenced in movies like Madame Bovary, Ella Enchanted, The Jane Austen Book Club, and Confessions of a Shopaholic.
• J. Lo may sign on to star in The Heights. Which is a Broadway play, and unfortunately not the 1990s FOX series featuring the hit song "How Do You Talk to an Angel?". (Fatback)
• He always fills his ballroom. The event is never small. The social pages say Ricky Gervais has got the biggest balls of all. (Female First)
• Those pesky Mickey Rourke doing it with Evan Rachel Wood rumors rear their ugly (but not as ugly as meatball-faced Mickey) heads again. (CelebWarship)
• Any opportunity to ogle Jessica Biel's buoyant ass in a bikini is a cause for celebration. Hosannas all around!(The Blemish)
Where has Fergie been lately? Apparently, she be up in the gym. Just workin' on her fitness. So her body stay vicious . . . for her upcoming wedding to blandly handsome television star Josh Duhamel. According to our personal gossip nondenominational minister, Female First:
Fergie and her fiance Josh Duhamel had a joint bachelor/bachelorette party last night.
The pair - who are set to tie the knot in a lavish ceremony in Los Angeles tomorrow (01/10/09) - partied with 75 friends at new Santa Monica club Dakota Lounge.
The couple decided to go against tradition and celebrate their upcoming wedding together so their friends could meet each other before the ceremony.
A source said: "They decided to have a joint bachelor and bachelorette party and have their friends mingle and get to know each other before the big day."
We know we always like to poke fun at Fergie and say she looks like a grown-up chola Cabbage Patch Kid from New Jersey, but we honestly do wish her a beautiful wedding with lots of love and happiness. Xavier Roberts will give her away and the the vows will come straight from the CPK birth certificate and read "I promise to love my Fergie will all my heart. I promise to be a good and kind spouse. I will always remember how special my Fergie is to me." And then your little sister will write on her face with crayon and leave her on the school bus.
We often wonder what sort of swain could win the heart of the ever-perky and unendingly adorable Zooey Deschanel. We weren't sure if Kewpie was male, and Nermal from Garfield isn't real, but now we have our answer: some ironically bearded guy with a eunuch voice from a limp-donged indie band! Mazel! Hit us with the news, US Weekly:
Zooey Deschanel is engaged to Ben Gibbard, the front man for Death Cab for Cutie, a source close to the couple tells Usmagazine.com.
Rumors that the Yes Man actress, 28, was getting married spread after In Touch falsely reported she was engaged to a different musician: Hunter Burgan, a bass guitarist for AFI.
Deschanel and Gibbard, 32, are “so thrilled,” the source tells Us. “Zooey was swept off her feet, and Ben is so excited.”
Maybe it's holiday sap overdose but the thought of this couple's wedding is nauseating in its twee-ness. How much do you want to bet they'll sing to each other and dressed-up chihuahuas will somehow be involved. And don't forget the nummy vegan cupcakes. Cupcakes! Eeeee!
We promised ourselves and you, our most honorable readers, that we would never write about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. But the two crazy kids done went and got theyself married, so we're breaking our promise. We'll let US do the dirty work:
Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!
The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 19, Us Weekly reports in its newest issue (the published date of Thursday, Nov. 20 was misreported). See exclusive photos wedding photos in Us Weekly's new issue, on stands Wednesday.
"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.
That's funny, because the minute we heard this story, we couldn't stop dry heaving and shitting uncontrollably.
• Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. Girl flirts with boy at club. Girl on girl catfight ensues. It's another day in the tangled, demi-gay web of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. (The Blemish)
On November 30, magic will happen. No, you will not create the ultimate Thanksgiving leftover sandwich when you put the yams between the turkey and the cranberry sauce (though that's likely to happen as well). The tell-all Britney Spears documentary called Britney: for the Record will air on MTV. And for the record, she sees her life "as a prison", she knows that doing the cabbage patch is better than Cymbalta, and she admits that her marriage to K-Fed was a mistake. Hindsight is 20/20, yes? According to our personal gossip divorce attorney, FemaleFirst, Brit says,
"I think I married for the wrong reasons. Instead of following my heart and doing what made me really happy, I just did it for the sake of the idea of everything."
Hey, Britney, it's OK. At first, it's all fluttering hearts and romance, swept away by a rakish grin under a mop of cornrows and the swagger tucked inside stonewashed man shants. It's hard to resist the wiles after a few wake and bake sessions, and before you know it, you have a ring on your finger, a shaved head, and a negative bank account because your spouse spent two million on a blinged out set of sapphire and ruby rims that read "Pimp Daddy G". It's OK, we've all been there. more »
Take some of the sex scenes from Blown Away and Photoshop out Nicole Eggert. Then take a sex scene from Embrace the Darkness 3 and digitally remove the dude. Splice the two together and blammo, you're looking at Corey Haim's soon-to-be wedding night. On his official site, the Haimster curls his lip, fluffs his spikes, and announces his engagement to legendary scream queen Tiffany Shepis!
October 29, 2008 - A big mazal tov goes out to COREY -- HE IS GETTING MARRIED!! The lovely lady is Tiffany Shepis! COREY and Tiffany first met 12 years ago while COREY was on set filming FEVER LAKE. They recently reunited at the Chiller Theatre autograph show & the rest is history. The wedding has been set for May 9, 2009!
We wish tons of happiness to the couple and are sure their wedding will be full of joy, love, laughter, and music. You know Corey, he'll slap the headphones on once in a while and dibble dabble at the keyboard. He loves that Japanese funk. That pop funk. That funky . . . hip . . . pop jam thing.
We're assuming that when gossip days are slow, tabloids just shrug their shoulder, heave a heavy sigh, and decide to lug out the ole "Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt wedding bellllllllssss!" rumor. Like today! Angie told the Italian edition of Vanity Fair (via Yeeeah!):
“Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, “Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?”
It makes perfect sense that Angelina and Brad would encourage their children to base life decisions on animated films. After all, with the screaming menagerie of multicultural children, they are pretty much a live action version of Bebe's Kids. "We don't die . . . we multiply."
It was an incredibly shitty weekend full of enormously turdish news. If it wasn't bad enough that Paul Newman passed away, Scarlett Johansson married some Canadian guy. Reports our personal gossip wedding planner, Female First:
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds married on Saturday.
'The Other Boleyn Girl' actress and her 'Definitely, Maybe' star beau tied the knot in a remote resort near Vancouver, Canada, Scarlett's representative confirmed.
Scarlett, 23, and Ryan, 31, were joined by guests including the actress' mother Melanie Sloan and her brother Adrian Johansson at the intimate ceremony.
OK, so technically, does this mean her boobs are married too? Because we want to be able to keep on cutting them out of magazines and eating them in a bid to be closer to their cushiony goodness and we couldn't do it anymore if they were married boobs. That would just be creepy. more »
• Naomi Campbell plans to have babies. Great. Ever notice how a rattle is the exact length and weight of a Blackberry? (Derek Hail)
• Everybody wants Tina Fey or Megan Mullally to do a Sarah Palin impression. But Gina Gershon's got it covered, bikini and all. (Yeeeah!)
• Josh Hartnett is the only man alive who plans on suing someone for saying he had hot sex in a library. Dork. (IDLYITW)
• Anne Hathaway's scuzzo ex got sentenced to five years in the big house. And we just got sentenced to 10 minutes of masturbating to Anne naked in Havoc. Everyone wins! (CelebWarship)
• And he shall be forever called Fishdick. (Holy Taco)
• VH1 is working on a new dating show starring Antonio Sabato Jr. You know who's going to be really excited about this? My sister, in 1991. (Seriously OMG WTF)
• Look! We made a list of the "Top 100 Hilarious and Addictive Celebrity Blogs". See, we're not as bad as everyone says. (The Love Coach)
Some clam shuckers got hitched this weekend. Yay California! According to the Daily Mail:
Chat show host Ellen DeGeneres and actress Portia de Rossi were married following an intimate ceremony in the grounds of their LA home.
Fewer than 20 of the couple's family and friends gathered at sunset for the civil service ceremony but the event attracted a swarm of press anxious to get a glimpse of the lesbian couple.
As they posed for official photographers, the loved-up pair were clearly enjoying their big day.
Former comic and sitcom star DeGeneres wore a loose-fitting white chiffon shirt, white waistcoat and trousers while de Rossi wore a cream and pale pink halterneck dress by designer Zac Posen.
The couple have been dating since December 2004 and DeGeneres announced her plans to wed her lover on her chat show in May.
DeGeneres and de Rossi now live together in Beverly Hills with their four cats.
Was it really important to throw in a mention of their four cats? And if so, why stop there? Why not go on to describe the hers and hers power tools in the garage and the cabinet in the kitchen stuffed with hundreds of varieties of herbal tea?
The wonderful and hilarious Yeeeah! has more blurry pics of the lezzie ceremony. more »
• Peaches Geldof and some indie rocker dude had a quickie wedding in Las Vegas. On their registry: deep V shirts, pocohontas headbands, and cocaine. (CelebWarship)
Congratulations are in order for adorable akimbo-toothed songbird and poetess Jewel and her rodeo guy beau Ty Murray, for they have tied the knot. Says People (via Celebitchy):
The singer and her longtime boyfriend, rodeo champion Ty Murray, eloped to the Bahamas and exchanged vows in a private ceremony Thursday night, her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.
“She wore a traditional wedding gown, while Ty wore his favorite blue jeans, white shirt and cowboy hat,” says Jewel’s rep. “The couple is very happy and look forward to enjoying their honeymoon.”
We could not find words to adequately express our joy for the union of Jewel and Ty, so instead, we'll let Jewel do the talking. Here is a poem of hers that we think really captures the occasion.
Vincent Said
Vincent said she was like screwing a corpse,
but a 16-year-old corpse with young tits,
so it wasn't bad. She left the door open
while he pretended to be asleep
and did the walk o' shame
through the hotel lobby.
I know his girlfriend, Phyllis,
but I won't tell her.
It's not for me to judge
or to discriminate just because
she does
and he won't.
more »
Take a good look at the picture over to the left. It's as if Lindsay Lohan is remembering the good old days, seeing if she misses the feeling of a rigid tube of flesh poking her in the cheek. And it seems that the answer is no. Nope, girly prefers a big juicy clam in her maw, as word on the street is that Lilo is preparing to permanently play wifey to hat stand Samantha Ronson. According to The Mirror (via Yeeeah!):
Sam splashed out on an [$22,000] Cartier diamond ring for her girlfriend. “Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday,” says a source. “Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It’s a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled.”
You know, when we were in the habit of watching Mean Girls about once a week, watching Lindsay's glorious gazongas testing the limits of Forever 21 cotton/poly blends, we had dreams about stuff like this. Only in those dreams the girl sticking her digits into LiLo's taco usually looked a bit more like Scarlett Johansson than a mannish mash-up of David Spade and Charlie Chaplin. Be careful what you wish for, kiddos. more »
We've long wondered why America's Next Sexiest Sexy Lady Megan Fox was engaged to Brian Austin Green. Turns out that Megan has long wondered that, too, and on the set of her new movie, she's been acting suspiciously BAGless. According to Star:
An insider on the set of Megan's movie Jennifer's Body says that the 22-year-old didn't act like she was taken. "I've never seen her wearing an engagement ring. I actually thought she and Adam Brody, who's also in the movie, were dating. They were very flirty with each other and were always hanging out together when they weren't working." But her good pal, actress Jennifer Blanc, tells Star that despite her leaving the rock at home, Megan is indeed still engaged. "She does wear it sometimes," insists Jennifer. "I've never asked her why she doesn't always put it on."
Brian Austin Green aka David Silver. Adam Brody aka Seth Cohen. Sounds like old Megan has a type: resident dork on FOX show. Well hell, Meg, if we had known that we would have shown up to your house in costume as that wheelchair kid from Malcolm in the Middle ages ago. more »
The novelty of a fleshy South American supermodel frequently seen in her underwear yet untouched by human dongs is about to become a thing of the past--Victoria's Secret star and virginAdriana Lima is about to have her cherry busted. She and her boyfriend of nine months, a half-McDreamy-half-Keanu hybrid called Marko Jaric, are engaged. People mag reports:
"He asked and she said yes. They are both incredibly happy and couldn't be more in love," says publicist James Weir.
Jaric is a Minnesota Timberwolf, which apparently is some sort of professional basketball player and not an actual Timberwolf. Which is probably a good thing, since virginity loss can sometimes be a bloody occasion and were she to lose her maidenhead to an actual timberwolf, it might devour her.
We're pretty sure that most celebrities are Godless sinners who believe that fame gives them an automatic guest-list spot in Heaven (except for Mel Gibson, of course; he loves Jesus), so hearing that Joel Madden won't marry Nicole Richie unless she becomes Christian just confuses us. The National Enquirer reports (via Celebitchy):
“Joel is determined not to marry Nicole until she asks forgiveness for her sins and is willing to raise little Harlow with the same religious upbringing that he had,” a source told The Enquirer. “Joel may look like a rebel, but the truth is he is an old-fashioned conservative guy with hardcore Christian beliefs.
“… The Bible is a big part of his life - so much so that he has a tattoo of Jesus and a Sacred Heart on his arms. Joel went to church regularly as a kid and he believes that God has made him what he is today. He has seen all the problems that spoiled Hollywood children like Nicole encountered, and is determined to prevent Harlow from being the stereotypical Beverly Hills brat.”
In an attempt to break from her checkered past of rehab stints, drunk driving and drug arrests, Nicole has already begun her spiritual transformation, says a close friend. And insiders say she couldn’t be happier. “It looks like Nicole is on the way to fully embracing Joel’s religious beliefs,” said the friend. “She knows how great her life has become thanks to him.”
As The Enquirer reported last week, Nicole has had trouble coping with the stress of motherhood. “Joel thinks God will be the ultimate answer to her problems,” continued the source…. “As much as Joel loves Nicole, and is dedicated to being her rock, he feels like their marriage would never work unless they are on the same page with their religious beliefs,” added the source. “Bottom line, he wants a Christian family.”
"Yeah, baby, you're cool and all, we can live together, I'll screw you when I'm not busy reading my Bible, and you can have my kid, but, sorry, I don't marry heathens."
Most people feel a little bit gypped by weddings. You buy some new clothes, a big black-and-white box from Crate & Barrel, spend an entire day "celebrating love" or some crap, and then another day holding an ice pack to your throbbing head. Plus, you'll likely have to see someone's fat Uncle Bob attempt to cabbage patch during a Will Smith song. If it weren't for the cake and the hope of an open bar, nobody would put up with them. So are Mariah Carey's moneybags comrades getting off easy by being coaxed to send Wedgewood and Waterford without getting some roast beef and lemon chiffon cake first? Page Six dishes on Mimi's gift fishing:
MARIAH Carey's friends and colleagues weren't invited to her impromptu wedding to Nick Cannon, but they can still send a gift. According to an insider, "Mariah's assistant, Gina, sent out over 100 e-mails to her wealthy friends letting them know that she's registered at Bergdorf Goodman if they want to buy her a present. It's odd because she's not even having a big wedding party or anything. It was assumed they'd have a big celebration when they got back, but no. They just want the gifts." On the list are "fine china, very expensive silver stemware" and other items. Carey's rep declined to comment.
We understand the inclusion of stemware on the registry, as we're sure that Mariah loves a tipple, but china? What ever could that be used for? A nice game a Frisbee in the 500-square-foot master shower? A possible weapon in case Nick gets uppity and wants Mimi to watch something "scary" and "manly" like Rambo in the in-house deluxe screening room? Because we're pretty sure they're not for when Mariah invites the Beckhams or the Trumps over for a nice home-cooked meal of lasagna and garlic bread. We're pretty sure that Mimi only eats pesticide-free julienned tree bark at this point. She probably heard that it contains negative calories and will completely eliminate cellulite. more »
• Sienna Miller finally cuts loose her improbably-named, leonine lover Rhys Ifans. (CeleBuzz)
• Angry whelp Miley Cyrus wrecks equipment on the set of her new video. "Grrrr! I'm so mad! Like a bear! Grrr! Like a fluffy bear! With a bow around its neck! Grrr . . . awwww." (Drunken Stepfather)
Wedding fever is sweeping famous people land! In the guylinery wake of the Wentz nuptials, every celebrity couple is planning on conceiving a child and/or tying the not. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are no exception. According to our gossip ring bearer, FemaleFirst:
Justin Timberlake has been shopping for an engagement ring.
The singer is planning to propose to Jessica Biel and is asking her close friends to help him choose the perfect diamond band. A pal of Jessica's told the Chicago Sun Times newspaper: "Justin has been ring shopping, and we're talking serious, major Harry Winston-type shopping here. He has been quizzing Jessica's closest pals and associates, trying to get a take on the kind of engagement rings she has admired. The only comment I ever heard Jessica make was when she complimented a mutual friend's square-cut emerald ring - when a girlfriend of ours got engaged. It was huge!"
Justin's friends claim the 'SexyBack' singer realised he wanted to take his relationship with Jessica to the next level after their busy work schedules kept them apart for long periods.
Last month, it was claimed Justin was ready to marry Jessica on the privately owned island of Mustique in the West Indies. A source said: "Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids. For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica."
Smart move, Timberlake. Smart move. When a woman has glutes that cause the most hardened among us to lie in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably. If and when this wedding actually takes place, Biel will probably just put a veil over her ass and walk down the aisle backwards. And when the minister asks, "Do you, butt, take Justin?" she will fart. Kissing the bride will be replaced by full analingus. Butthole jokes: the little black dress of comedy! more »
So you're a 21-year-old already nearly washed-up and somewhat rehabbed actress and you've finally found the lesbian love of your life and you want to declare to the whole world that she's the only one who will be sampling your clam from now on. What do you do next? Go to Dollywood, of course! Our gossip island in the stream, FemaleFirst, reports:
The 'Mean Girls' star was seen sporting a ring at the Dolce and Gabanna party at the Cannes Film Festival, in France, and reportedly told her former lover, British model Calum Best, the pair are engaged.
According to Britain's Daily Star newspaper, the 'Georgia Rule' star has apparently told friends she wants to have a partnership ceremony with Ronson at Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park in July.
She is also referring to herself as Lindsay Ronson.
Rumours Lohan and Ronson are more than just friends have been circulating for months.Previously leaked emails from Lohan to Ronson said: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die? I want to marry you."
Reports also suggest that since returning from the world famous film festival, Lohan has moved into Ronson's Los Angeles home.
We really think that Dollywood is an inspired location for a Lohan wedding. Not only is Dolly a beloved gay icon and therefore accepting of Lindsay and Sam's love, she also knows a thing or two about using your gigantic bosoms to get ahead in life. Linds could learn something from good ol' Dolly, as LiLo doesn't yet seem to understand that her hooters have a hypnotizing effect on her audience. Used in the right way, Lindsay's headlights could lure millions upon millions of men to repeatedly pay to see a Lindsay Lohan joint, even if it was an imaginative dual sequel to Herbie Fully Loaded and Just My Luck. Those pontoons are just that powerful.
Oh, and even Lindsay's dad says, "Duh, she totally boinking Sam."
And in case Lindsay's meager engagement ring up there doesn't fulfill your daily quota of pizazz, witness Dolly Parton singing "9 to 5" with a bunch of be-costumed Disney characters.
Oh Jessica Alba, you irrepressible little rapscallion! Waiting until we're all atizzy over the Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz Tweedledumbass nuptials and then sneaking off and getting hitched on a Monday. People scoops the poop:
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have gotten married, PEOPLE confirms.
The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.
Alba, 27, is expecting a daughter with Warren, 31, this summer.
The couple met while filming Fantastic Four and were engaged last December.
So if you were spending sleepless nights worrying about the soul of their unborn fetus coming into this world a bastard and therefore destined to forever be filleted in the fiery bowels of hell for all eternity, worry no longer. That one was for our significant Neo-Calvinist readership. Haaaaaay. more »
We'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to Amy Winehouse! Today she and her loving husband, her Blake incarcerated, celebrate one year of wedded matrimony. Truly these are fortuitous days for nuptials, so Ashlee Simpson and her stubby lover Pete Wentz picked a great time to make it legal. Reports People:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were married Saturday evening in an intimate ceremony, their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively. “We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends,” said the spokesperson.
Simpson, 23, wore an ivory lace wedding gown by Monique Lhuillier accessorized with a diamond necklace and earrings by Neil Lane as she and Wentz, 28, exchanged vows in front of 150 guests at her parents’ Los Angeles area home.
Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, while sister Jessica served as maid of honor. Wentz’s English bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as actor Donald Faison with girlfriend CaCee Cobb.
At various times, we've speculated that the wedding would involve straightening irons, hoodies, and copious amounts of cutting, but the happy occasion actually had a very different theme. According to IMDb:
The newlyweds celebrated their new status as husband and wife with an Alice in Wonderland-themed reception, with black beauty roses by Mark's Garden decorating each table. The wedding cake, by Sam Godfrey of Perfect Endings, featured a top hat, a tea pot, a stop watch and a pot of flowers on top.
Because nothing says "eternal love" quite like a anthropomorphic caterpillar smoking a bong.
Your wedding and baby photos: You pay $3.79 at the Walgreens photo kiosk for a stack of glossy 8x10s. Famous people's wedding and baby photos: Magazines pay them millions of dollars to run the images for the whole world to see. That hard-won managerial position at Hot Topic seemed like a pretty sweet gig last week, didn't it? But to think, if only you were Pete Wentz, People magazine would pay you $1 million to show off your MySpace hair on their pages. That's a sweet gig. TMZ reports:
At least someone cares enough to pay cold hard cash for pregnant bride Ashlee Simpson's wedding pics!
Sources tell us People mag is shelling out "well over" one milllll-ion dollars (yes, as in seven figures) for pictures of Ash and guylinered Pete Wentz. That's probably more than she's made -- total -- from her "singing."
For their part, the mag says, "We're thrilled that celebrities continue to choose PEOPLE as the place to share their most intimate photos. We do not comment on specifics of any deals."
That's a lot of money to see some guy in a ripped up hoodie and skinny jeans mumble "Yeah sure" in response to "Do you take this woman . . . "
Also raking in the big bucks for doing a whole bunch of nothing: Matthew McConaughey. TMZ again:
Matthew McConaughey and baby mama Camila Alves are busy doing what all expectant parents do -- fielding million dollar offers for pictures of their kid!
TMZ has learned that McConaughey has hired "brand agent" Todd Shemarya -- who's already brokered deals for Brangelina and Xtina -- to help pull in some serious dough for photos of his child. So far, Mattyboy's gotten offers from three different publications -- EACH OVER A MILLION BUCKS! And the price is still climbing.
No word if the baby is a boy or girl -- but either way it's gonna be a cash cow. What happened to the bongo drumming, "just keep living" McConaughey we all knew and loved? Guess he's got to find some way to keep paying for all those shirts -- ya know, the ones he never wears.
The propmaster for the photo shoot may have her work cut out for her, as we're sure little Bud McC will have a toothbrush in one hand and a tallboy in the other. It will be so precious to see how much the little one takes after Daddy.
First he gave her a little baby bundle capable of challenging Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's title as World's Sexiest Baby, and now Modelman has given Halle Berry an engagement ring. According to Showbiz Spy:
New mom Halle Berry is engaged to her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry after he gave her his grandmother’s ring.
“Gabriel felt the time was right to propose. He gave her the family heirloom because he wanted to show her how much she means to him, and how she will be accepted into the Aubry family,” a source close to the couple said.
“The ring belonged to Gabriel’s grandmother – it was her engagement ring.”
The ‘X Men’ actress, 41, was snapped flashing the diamond ring in Hollywood this past weekend.
Berry gave birth to the couple’s first daughter, Nahla Ariela, in March.
Halle and Gabriel, 32, started dating in November 2005.
Way to get a jump on all those other Hollywood unwed mothers, Halle. Nicole Richie and Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn Spears are going to have to try really hard to keep up with you, you wily minx.
Also contemplating a walk down the aisle, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, although they're planning on having the wedding first, then moving in together, then having the babies. God, what a coupla squares. Reports OK!:
Sitting in a cozy booth at the Hominy Grill in Charleston, S.C., on May 3, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal were the picture of happiness. Though the cheery couple, who arrived holding hands, brought their appetites, their minds weren't on food.
"They couldn't keep their eyes off each other," Hominy Grill manager Brandy Mangum tells OK!. "The entire time, he was so attentive. It was really sweet. They really do make the perfect couple."
Friends of the pair say it won't be long now before Jake pops the question to his lady love. "They've been talking marriage for a while," a source close to Reese reveals to OK!. "They'll be formally engaged any day now. They want to spend the rest of their lives together."
But don't expect these two to go down the route of so many Hollywood couples who move in together and start families before getting hitched. "This is a very serious relationship," the Oscar-winner's pal explains. "But Reese is very conservative and traditional. I'm sure she doesn't want her kids to see her 'living in sin.'"
When asked about their clients' plans for walking down the aisle, Reese's rep had no comment, while Jake's people claim there are no immediate plans for a wedding.
Aw, Jake will make a lovely bride. We wonder what color his bridesmaids will wear. Probably teal. more »
Love springs a turtle. Or eternal, whatever. Lip-synching, rhinoplastic fantastic celebrity sibling Ashlee Simpson is rumored to be marrying her wang-flashing Fall Out Fiance, Pete Wentz, this coming weekend. Reports Us:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a "top secret" location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com.
"Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice," the source told Us.
The rehearsal dinner – described by the source as "an intimate affair" for "family and close friends only" – will take place on Friday.
On Saturday, "all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location," the source explained.
Regarding Simpson's upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: "This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm."
It'll be the emoest affair this side of a Taking Back Sunday tour! Those non-invite save-the-date notices were probably sent out via MySpace bulletins. The bride and groom will be taking their own wedding portraits in a bathroom mirror with a point-and-shoot. However, this begs the question: can you put Blingees on a cake?
Ashlee Simpson has finally cracked the code to success. She's tried and tried, to no avail, getting engaged, toying with the public's minds over a possible wee Wentz in the womb, but those tactics haven't helped sell records. But you know what works every time? Boobs. Put some nice juicy jugs in a man's face, and he's sure to buy your record. And we thought Ash never took big sis's advice (well, other than every good older sister's passed-down wisdom: "You can't get pregnant if you do it in the butt." Or was that just our sister?). Those Simpsons sure know how to use a set of sweater stuffers to their advantage. And if that doesn't work, maybe a quickie wedding will do the trick. Ash can't let Mimi steal all the profiteering publicity. Reports Hollyscoop:
Ashlee Simpson has a lot on her plate, a new album, a baby on its way and a wedding. The singer is set to have a shotgun wedding next weekend in California to her rocker beau Pete Wentz.
A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."
Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.
You know what? We don't really care if Ashlee and Petey are getting married next week or next millennium, and we also don't care about the occupation of Ashlee's womb. We know gossip has been a little sparse lately, but c'mon! It's bikini season. Where are the dastardly waves plotting to wash away famous ladies' tops? Is Kate Moss the only lady of importance who goes to nude beaches anymore? We appreciate Ashlee throwing us the boob bone here, but knowing that her cavernous casabas come from a need for publicity and not a true love of funbag flaunting sort of ruins it. Plus, she's with Pete. Two boobs in one photo are enough for us.
• Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)
• Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)
• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)
• Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)
• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)
• Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)
• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)
Bazoomy hepatitis-negative blonde Scarlett Johansson is officially engaged to oft shirtless bad-movie specialist Ryan Reynolds. So how long do we have to wait until people start saying they heard from a friend of a friend of a friend of Scarj's hairstylist that she's carrying a tiny little package of chiseled abs in her womb? With Beyonce, we think it was about a week, but with Ashlee Simpson it was probably a matter of hours. Guess we'll just have to wait and see. After all, it's not possible that love is behind this whole thing. That's not how it works in Hollywood. Love doesn't cause marriages, failed EPTs do. According to WENN:
Scarlett Johansson has announced her engagement to actor boyfriend Ryan Reynolds. The couple has been dating since February 2007, shortly after Definitely, Maybe star Reynolds broke off his engagement to singer Alanis Morissette. The actress's representative Marcel Pariseau confirmed the news to People.com, revealing, "They're both thrilled." He added that no wedding date has been set. Johansson, 23, and 31-year-old Reynolds will step out for the first time as husband-and-wife-to-be at New York's Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Gala on Monday night. Johansson famously keeps her private life under wraps, but previously dated actor Josh Hartnett from 2004 to 2006. The media frenzy surrounding the impending nuptials comes at a great time for Johansson, who is promoting her new debut album of Tom Waits covers, entitled Anywhere I Lay My Head.
When your worldly assets amount to about $87, a cupboard full of Rice-a-Roni, and some broken IKEA furniture, it's hard to understand the need for a pre-nup, but celebrities aren't like us; the poorer of the pair (read: still richer than you'll ever dream of being) usually gets a pretty sweet salary from the deal. After all, it is business. It was rumored last week that Mariah Carey's hasty marriage didn't include the all-important monetary contracts, but FOX News thinks differently:
Miss Mariah and Mr. Cannon have a very nice prenuptial agreement.
Mariah apparently told a mutual pal of ours: "Anyone who thinks we didn't have a prenup is smoking something!"
This is not the Mariah Carey of old. She is a smart, smart businesswoman. For example: Post-Tommy Mottola, Carey nabbed $50 million from her short-lived deal with Virgin Records. After "Glitter," they just paid her all that to walk away!
She’s had three hit albums since then: "Charmbracelet," "Emancipation of Mimi" and the current "E=MC2." She has her own perfume line, as well. Mariah also has substantial real estate holdings, and let’s not forget the publishing royalties. Her name is on every song. This is not Whitney. She has a small fortune, and she’s not about to lose it, even in love.
You're probably thinking, "Of course they have a pre-nup. She's loaded and he's only a misstep or two away from starring in Safe Auto commercials for the rest of his career. What happens when both parties have mountains and mountains of money, like Jay-Z and Beyonce?" Lucky for you, The National Enquirer can answer that (via Celebitchy):
“The prenup calls for Jay-Z to pay Beyonce $10 million if the marriage ends after two years, and $1 million dollars a year for each further year she remains in the marriage, up to 15 years,” revealed a source familiar with the deal.
“If they do split, he’s promised to pony up $10 million to buy her a home.
“He’s promised to pay her an additional $5 million for each child she bears him - for her ‘loss of income’ during the pregnancy and child-rearing years.”
$5 mil for each baby? That's a pretty sweet deal. We wonder if there's any sort of twin clause in the pre-nup. Maybe twins are like a triple-word score and she'd net $15 mil for the set. Twins are the newest Hollywood trend, and that Hova likes to be on top of the latest fads.
Yesterday we heard that Mariah Careywas engaged to famous-for-something-or-other young'n Nick Cannon. Then we heard they were actually already married. But maybe they weren't. And Mariah's ring was recycled from Nick's last till-death-(or-someone-hotter)-do-us-part moment. But then again maybe it just looked a hell of a lot like that ring. We are so confused. Why can't all celebrities be as up front about their possible nuptials as Star Jones was? That whole privacy thing is way overrated anyway, and we're pretty sure that not every celeb who whores out their wedding to OK! or People ends up divorcing their super-gay husband a couple of years later. That was probably a fluke and not a curse. First up, was there a wedding? Was it a sham? MSNBC weighs in:
There’s a ring and rumors of a small ceremony, but is there really a marriage between Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon? Maybe not, said a source who knows Mariah.
“The lady loves publicity. She’s also got a good sense of humor. If no one gets hurt, why wouldn’t she let the rumors swirl a little while longer and maybe help sales?” said the source.
And the pair's families can't quite get their stories straight either. Take it away TMZ:
Exhibit A: Mariah's nephew says not very cryptically on his Facebook page, as Us reports, that "what you may or may not have read or heard is not true," even though he says he was in the Bahamas. Exhibit B: Nick's fam "confirms" the "news," claiming that he told them he's married.
And if they are married, it looks like Mimi didn't learn any lessons from Paul McCartney, reports The New York Post:
"There was no pre-nup - there wasn't time," said another worried source.
And because we know that all you're really interested in is what the kids in 1890 referred to as "bling," on to the jewelery, via People:
The ring, jeweler Jacob & Co. confirmed to PEOPLE, is crafted from platinum and features a square, emerald-cut fancy light pink diamond in the center, surrounded by 58 intense pink diamonds, flanked by two half-moon diamonds. The total carat weight of the ring – the center stone alone is 10 carats – is a jaw-dropping 17 carats, with a value of $2.5 million.
Though some have speculated that Carey's ring is the same one Cannon gave to his former fiancée, Victoria's Secret model Seltia Ebanks, Ebanks's ring was 12 carats and made of colorless diamonds.
If that's the case, then Nick Cannon is about as creative as Nickelback, because those suckers sure look an awful lot a like. (See, 'cause Nickelback has been writing the same song for ten years, and Nick Cannon . . . designed the . . . same ring . . . twice? Oh, shut up. You come up with a better joke, tough guy. We bet it would go a little something like this: "Mariah and married both start with the letter M. And M's kind of look like boobs. HAHAHAHA!" Good job, Mr. Comedian.)
NOTE: The man in the above photo with Mimi is NOT Nick Cannon, though this whole story would be a hell of a lot more interesting if Mariah were possibly married to a homeless man in a wheelchair. Sorry, Nick, but you're super boring in comparison. And in general too. more »
Our Mimi is going to be a bride! And this time she won't be marrying a creepy old rich dude who will make her a star but keep her in a very glittery cage but instead a young upstart of unknown financial means! The upside to Mariah having to forfeit some of her cherished closet space? We took this chance to look up Nick Cannon on Wikipedia and finally know why he's famous. He was on All That! Just like that guy on SNL. And the other one. Anyway, Access Hollywood reports:
It appears Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are ready to make beautiful music together.
A source close to Mariah has confirmed to Access Hollywood that the music diva is engaged to Nick Cannon.
Reps for both singers were unavailable for comment.
The couple sent the rumor mill into overdrive when 38-year-old Mariah (with Nick on her arm) was seen sporting a dazzling new piece of bling on her ring finger at the after party for her Tribeca film, “Tennessee,” in New York.
When asked at the party what he loved about Mariah, 27-year-old Nick gave a one-word answer.
“Everything,” he told People.
Up until recently, Mariah had been romantically linked to music executive Mark Sudack. However, she never confirmed the romance.
Mariah was previously married to record executive Tommy Mottola from 1993 – 1998.
Nick was previously engaged to Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks in 2007. However, the couple called off the engagement that same year.
This will be the first marriage for the “Drumline” star.
We can picture it now: Mariah will be swathed in a yard or so of the finest fabric known to man, surrounded by rare purple orchids, and after the couple's first marital kiss, a million fluttering butterflies will swarm around them. Then the butterflies will eat Nick alive for stealing their master. Either that, or Nick will just use all the crap he bought for his canceled wedding. According to Hollywood Grind:
Mariah’s engagement ring was previously on Nick’s former fiance’s finger, Vctoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks, in 2007. Same ring, different girl. Nick doesn’t want his investment going to waste.
We doubt Mariah ever even wears her clothes twice, and those were on her body. She will not be pleased with a ring that touched the skin of some sub-semi-famous underwear model. more »
Carmen Electra is continuing her quest to out-Pam-Anderson Pam Anderson by preparing to take on her third husband. We hope her wedding-day attire will be as inspired as Pam's. Reports People:
Carmen Electra is engaged to her boyfriend, guitarist Rob Patterson, her rep Jill Fritzo confirms to PEOPLE.
"He told friends three days ago that he got engaged," adds a source. "The ring is a black diamond set in white diamonds."
Patterson, 37, who is the former touring guitarist for Korn, popped the question over the weekend while he and Electra were in Las Vegas to celebrate her 36th birthday, says the source. The couple have been dating less than a year.
This will be the third marriage for the actress-model, who was previously wed to rocker Dave Navarro and, briefly, to NBA star Dennis Rodman.
Touring guitarist? Carmen sure is moving down the washed-up-rock-star feeding chain. Is husband number four going to be the former roadie for Staind? No matter, Patterson sure is a lucky guy, especially when you consider the rumor that we heard oh, so many many moons ago that Carmen commemorated her marriage to Dave Navarro by getting a little tightening procedure in the poonal area. How will she celebrate this latest betrothal, with some preparatory asshole irrigation? more »
At this very moment, thousands of pubescent emo girls are artfully applying eyeliner only to streak it with tears for the perfect Myspace bathroom photo op. Why? The object of their stirring groins, Fall Out Boy member Pete Wentz, is getting married. To Ashlee Simpson. Ashlee confirmed the rumors via a message to Friends or Enemies:
"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."
The couple is registered at Hot Topic. Please take a moment to wish them well and purchase them a black KitchenAid mixer covered with studs.
Furthermore, US Weekly asked Ashlee's rep if she was pregnant and was shut down with a "No comment."
When Ashlee and Pete's (hypothetical) child reaches that age when he or she asks the "How are babies made?" question, they'll have it easy, being able to say, "Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, the mommy gets a nose job and then the daddy takes pictures of himself next to a strategically placed Morrissey poster to set the mood." And then Ashlee and Pete will whip out all Pete's wiener shots of yore, point to his penis, and say, "There. You came from there, honey."
• Beyonce still not talking on the wedding rumors, but is she also gestating Hova Jr.? (Celebitchy)
• Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (F-listed)
• Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (Cityrag)
• Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (Daily Stab)
Beyoncé: "Jigga, I'm sick of this little Rihanna stealing all my thunder. I know I haven't had an album out in a while, but that shouldn't stop the entire world from worshiping me every single second of every day. Do they see the booty? Does Rihanna have this booty? I don't think so. All she's got is some trendy ass haircut and a teensy little sliver of nipple. I've got the booty! I have told them all a million times that I am bootylicious, but still they pay more attention to HER. I don't know what to do, Hova. Ooh, I know. Let's get married. Magazines love weddings. And then let's adopt some babies. They love babies too. That'll show her." Or, in the words of People:
Beyoncé Knowles and longtime beau Jay-Z have taken out a marriage license in Scarsdale, N.Y., PEOPLE has learned.
According to a source, the pair obtained a license Tuesday morning. The document is valid for 60 days.
A rep for Beyoncé told PEOPLE, "No comment." Jay-Z's spokesperson could not be reached.
Beyoncé, 26, and Jay-Z, 38, have been dating since 2002, though the couple have stood reluctant to discuss their relationship publicly. Rumors about their romance began circulating after the singer appeared on Jay-Z's song "'03 Bonnie & Clyde," followed by collaborations on Beyoncé's solo hit "Crazy in Love," in 2003.
While the two have remained tight-lipped about the state of their romance, by no means has Beyoncé brushed off talk of marriage. In December 2006, the singer told InStyle, "You can't rush a man into anything – whether it's a relationship, marriage or having children."
Earlier that month the pair were besieged by rumors that they were all set to get hitched in the Caribbean – a rumor that was quickly scotched by their reps.
We're not sure what we're more sick of hearing about, Jay-Z's retirement that's never going to happen or Jay-Z and Beyoncé's wedding that's never going to happen. It's pretty much a toss up. You know what we're not sick of, though? Beyoncé's ass. That thing is still H to the izz-O, T to the izz-T. more »
"Brangelina," as you insist on calling them, did not get married this weekend. They will never get married. So just drop it already, and go back to making mittens for your cats or whatever it is you do when you're not reading Star. Just be happy that Brad and Ange are such reproductive overachievers that they are not only populating the planet with genetically perfect offspring, they're doing it two at a time.
• Pam Anderson's marriage to Rick Salomon has been annulled. In the eyes of the law, that means it never happened. Let us never speak of this again. (Hollywire)
• MrSkin.com scores the first ever interview with Christian Landers, the dude behind the high-larious StuffWhitePeopleLike.com! (Mr. Skin)
• Madonna claims that her marriage is ripe with "erotica". Excellent way to work your song title in there, Madge. Was your wedding La Isla Bonita? (Female Foist)
• Kate Moss sans the clammy, crackulous influence of Pete Doherty = foxy. (Cityrag)
• Awwww. Carmen Electra has found herself another funny little eyeliner-wearing alternarocker to love. (Daily Stab)
• Renee Zellweger attended a screening of Leatherheads donning a leathered face. Sorry, Renee. You seem like a nice lady, you just make it so easy. (Allie Is Wired)
Once upon a dream, Sienna Miller was the toast of the town, sweeping into premieres in designer finery and on the arm of cherub-curled Jude Law, with movie scripts being thrown at her like candy at a parade. Then Jude stuffed it into the nanny, and Sienna beat up some paparazzi, metaphorically crapped on the city of Pittsburgh, and then forgot to wear pants, and we were left wondering what she's been up to lately. As it turns out, she's been up to an actor named Rhys Ifans, and, according to our gossip relationship counselor, FemaleFirst, she's agreed to marry him. A source says:
"Rhys has admitted he and Sienna are getting married. Everything is supposed to be hush-hush, but Rhys is over the moon and finding it hard to keep quiet. He can't believe she finally said yes."
Seeing how Rhys Ifans is a Welshman who looks a lot like Snagglepuss and has a name that sounds like a prancing centaur that lives in the forest behind Hogwarts, this story probably should be more exciting than it is. So let's jazz it up with some Sienna Miller butt cheeks! Come into our cut and we will show you the way. more »
African families should no longer weep over the brutal exploitation and deaths of their loved ones at the hands of the diamond mining industry, for their labors are going to a wonderful and noble cause: spelling out Paris Hilton's most base bodily functions in shimmering precious stones! This weekend, Paris showed up at the opening of stylist Kim Vo's salon in Las Vegas, and was sporting a Li'l John-sized ring on her engagement finger that spelled "BM". Of course, this sparked rumors that she is planning on marrying boyfriend of two weeks Benji Madden. However, we're taking "BM" at literal face value and are assuming that she's donning the ring to remind herself which hand to wipe with. Regardless of the secret meaning of the ring, we're calling her "Ol' Shitfinger Hilton" from now on. That's a pretty name.
In this world, when a famous woman places a hand upon her stomach, she is gravid with twins, and when a man gives a passing glance at a jewelry store, he is obviously planning on purchasing a huge conflict diamond to present to his buoyant-assed main squeeze. Obviously. So according to our gossip wedding planner, FemaleFirstJustin Timberlake was spotted browsing rings at Tiffany in New York, which means he wants to wed innamorata Jessica Biel. An onlooker said:
"Justin was really taking his time looking round the rings. He made the staff get a couple out of the cabinets so he could properly look at them. He didn't buy anything but told the manager he would think about it."
What the hell is there to think about, Timberlake? Good Christ, homeslice, you have upon your arm one of the finest bottoms that the Lord ever created. Get a damn ring and put it on that finger and make sure you have that kiester legally yours for all time. It's like when God decided to create Jessica Biel's ass, he got together the angels of the finest artists who had ever lived. Michelangelo had a hand in making it. So did Rodin. Da Vinci did a little work on it. Vermeer gave it that lit-from-within glow. And Bob Ross was there, putting "a happy little crack over there". And don't forget Bil Keane, who, with a few deft brush strokes, made Dolly and Jeffy gaze upon Biel's butt in reverence. Bil Keane isn't dead? Goddammit.
• Miley Cyrus publicly apologizes for not wearing her seat belt. No seat belt is a slippery slope that leads headlong into Crotchflashtown and San Rehabton. (IMDb)
• Bai Ling arrested for hamburglaring some gossip rags and a pack of batteries from an airport gift shop. Maybe she wanted to power up her G-spotter to use while gazing at herself in the fashion "What Were They Thinking?" section. (Celebitchy)
• Oh, shut your tamalehole, J. Lo. Nobody wants to steal your dumb old crusty old babies. (The Blemish)
• The Madamism of Hollywood. Waylon Flowers would be delighted. (Cityrag)
• Say what you will about Kim Kardashian, that sitter of hers is A number one. (HolyTaco)
• Amy Winehouse upgrades to Blake v. 2.0: all the creepiness none of the jail. Now with Magic-Gro Hair! (The Superficial)
Please allow these links to tide you over until January 2, when we will be hangover-free and ready to devote ourselves to bringing you nipple slips and Tinseltown fetuses once again.
• Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI and drug possession. Way to be Scrooges, cops. (TMZ)
• Jessica Alba is also engaged. Awwww, now her baby won't be a bastard. Cute! (Derek Hail)
• Robin Wright and Sean Penn are not engaged, however. In fact, they are getting a divorce. Perhaps she finally got a glimpse of him in the cold hard light of day. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Et tu, Brendan Fraser and wife? Oh, Encino Man, why can't you and your onion field hair plugs make love last? (Celebitchy)
• The sirer of Jamie Lynn Spears's unborn doohicky might not be Casey Aldridge. It might, instead, be Kevin Federline. Juuuuuust kidding, it's some old dude. (Yeeeah!)
• Gaze upon these photos of Nicollette Sheridan in a bikini and be revived. And then note sadly that Michael Bolton is the master of that body, and shrivel, groaning in pain. (Drunken Stepfather)
Oh God oh God oh God. Britney . . . eloping . . . scumbag . . . Vegas. Please, Jebus, don't let this happen. We simply cannot take it. If we have to live through this cycle again we may have to take drastic measures. Like finding ourselves an unwashed, unemployed famesucker to marry who will slowly drive us insane until we too consistently forget to cover up our ass in public. Because at this point the only possible way we're ever going to understand Britney's actions is to repeat them ourselves. Which might prove a little difficult, as we're allergic to asperthame. So hopefully MSNBC is wrong about this whole thing. They say:
Get ready, Las Vegas! Britney Spears is planning an encore. The troubled pop star wed childhood pal Jason Alexander Sin City-style in 2004 — a union that lasted all of 55 hours. But according to Star Magazine, this time she wants to hitch her wagon to professional hanger-on Sam Lutfi.
In fact, an insider told the publication Britney already announced her marital ambitions to her lawyers and ex-hubby, Kevin Federline. “[The lawyers] begged her to at least get a prenup, but she didn’t seem to be listening.”
K-Fed’s none too happy, either. “Kevin has seen Sam lose his temper,” said a family spy. “We hear he swears a lot and makes very derogatory statements when he’s alone with Brit. Kevin has forbidden Britney from having Sam around the boys. In fact, Kevin has threatened to get a restraining order. She’ll lose custody if she allows Sam around them, Kevin will make sure of it.”
But will the danger of losing her kids be enough to keep Brit from heading down the aisle a third time? A Star source claims it’s unlikely. “Britney is completely under Sam’s spell. Everyone sees through him, except her. I hear that he stays with her most of the time, and she pays for his food, his bar and restaurant tabs and his clothing. She takes car of everything.”
Upside? Upside? Upside? God dammit, where is the fucking upside to this story? That an informal elopement won't require an expensive and elaborate wedding dress with a skirt longer than two and half inches and Britney will be able to wear a negligee she's mistaken for a dress? That maybe Lutfi is also an aspiring rapper and we will get to relive the "Popozao" days again? We seriously have no clue. Please, someone help us. We're frightened.
We've been thinking that growing a human in her gut has turned Nicole Richie into a sensible person. She's gaining weight, staying out of the way of paparazzi, and not feasting on parts of the animal that normal people throw away like Milla Jovovich. Sure, there was that whole possible smoking thing, but Britney's kids seemed to turn out fine, didn't they? Anyway, we were wrong. Nicole isn't so much sensible as batty as an old maid. According to Star magazine:
[Nicole Richie] recently bought a canine tuxedo for her mutt, Honeychild, and a bridesmaid dress for her Pomeranian, Foxxy Cleopatra, from tony Santa Monica pet store The Wagging Tail. She wants the pooches to walk down the aisle with her when she weds her baby daddy.
We're a bit disappointed in Nicole here. Not because having dogs act as the wedding party is a stupendously stupid and disastrous idea, but because she's usually a bit more original than that. Dogs have been done, dear. And by Tori Spelling no less. Why not try ostriches or salamanders? Sure, the outfits would be a bit tough to procure, but you could have them specially made, and at least then you wouldn't be festering in the shadow of Donna Martin.
When will stars of stage and screen learn? Wearing anything that isn't barnacle-clingy means that you are definitely pregnant, and wearing any sort of jewelry on or even near your left hand ring finger equals engagement. Professional substance-ingester/sometime thespian Lindsay Lohan is allegedly betrothed to snowboarder Rilo Kiley or whatever his name is. IMDb claims:
"Lindsay Lohan has sparked rumors her romance with snowboarder Riley Giles is deadly serious after stepping out with a subtle ring on her wedding finger. Lohan sported the sparkler as she hit the Hollywood party scene on Tuesday night in an all-black mini-dress and beret combo."
And here's the first sighting of Lindsay's new, uh, fiance in something other than a Wu Tang shirt:
It's nice to see that Riley and Lindsay have something in common in addition to a love of abuse of illegal substances. Because similar interests really are the glue that holds relationships together. Fine dining, Victorian literature, hot air balloon racing, falconry, standing hollow-eyed in front of a police photographer after you've been busted glugging 60 ounces of rum and getting behind the wheel of a Escalade . . . these are just a few of the things that make two young, yearning hearts join and beat as one.
After the cut, and in-depth comparison of Lindsay's vagina and a dirty stairwell. Which is more cavernous and filled with social diseases? Only one can emerge the victor! more »
In a really smart move that is bound to turn out brilliantly for all involved, Pamela Anderson has legally married poker player/Paris porker Rick Salomon. According to ceremony attendees, the bride wore a white denim dress and the groom donned a tuxedo and a "beanie hat". E! Online scoops:
Pam walked down the aisle in the villa’s backyard to Sade’s "By Your Side."
Catering from the hotel’s Stack restaurant included pigs in a blanket, macaroni and cheese, tuna and lobster tacos, along with about 10 bottles of Cristal champagne. Jelly donut holes were served for dessert.
There was a fake four-tier wedding cake—made from cardboard because planners weren’t able to find a real one in time. They were apparently only given a day to prepare.
Finally, finally we understand what all those senator guys have been jawing about with the "sanctity of marriage" and "sacred vows between a man and a woman" and "holy unity" and such and such. Sade, pigs in a blanket, cardboard cake, white denim. Only "Sweetest Taboo" and Hormel beans and weenies could have made this a more blessed affair. more »
We know you'll have to reach back really, really far in your brain, past the Britney custody drama and last night's episode of Heroes, to remember the details of yesterday's story concerning Pam Andersonlegally binding herself to a fellow home-porn pioneer. That information is probably stored in the section of your brain reserved for immediately forgotten nuggets of knowledge, along with the middle name of your first Cabbage Patch Kid (hint: if it was a boy, it was probably Xavier). But now that we've reminded you of this impending doom, would it make you feel better that it's going to be a shotgun wedding? Yeah, probably not. OK! magazine reports:
While many have chalked up the news of Pam Anderson and "poker player" Rick Salomon's bizarre almost-wedding in Las Vegas (they filed for a marriage license, but as yet have not walked down the aisle) to her whimsical nature, OK! is hearing that there may be a bigger reason for the pair to get hitched — a baby!
"She definitely looks like she's got a bit of a bump," one source tells OK!. "And this wouldn't be the first time Pam has rushed off to get married because there's a baby coming." The source is, of course, referring to the rumors that the Baywatch babe's surprise 2006 marriage to Kid Rock happened after she'd been impregnated. While these claims have been denied by the actress, they were bolstered by the fact that she filed for divorce from Kid only 11 days after miscarrying their unborn child.
It's bad enough that Pam has to explain her own sex tape to her kids with Tommy Lee, but that probably involves a lot of "Mommy and Daddy loved each other very much" and whatever bullshit. But is the Anderson/Salomon progeny going to reach a certain age and be sat down in front of the TV for a private screening? "Now, this is Mommy with the lead singer of Poison. And this is Mommy with Dylan and Brandon's daddy. And this is Daddy with some blonde hobag. All of these are available on the internet for $29.95 if you want to tell your friends." Also, we've been waiting for a third Pam spawn for a long time now. And we have some name suggestions for her: for a boy, Steve or David; for a girl, Brenda or Kelly. But not Donna. That would just be mean. more »
Pam Anderson continues her streak of getting hitched to the most dapper and classy gentlemen in the famous people biz--she is allegedly about to marry Rick Saloman, best known as a professional poker player and the professional poker of Paris Hilton in 1 Night in Paris. SMH.com.au sez:
Onetime Baywatch star Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon, a former boyfriend of Paris Hilton, applied for and were granted a marriage licence in Las Vegas on Saturday, the syndicated TV show Access Hollywood has reported.
Representatives for Anderson and Salomon were not immediately available for comment.
A few weeks ago, Pam had dropped a few hints of the impending horror to Ellen Degeneres, saying
“I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love. It’s so romantic. It’s romance. I’m not really engaged. I don’t know what I am. We may never get that far. We’re in love. This is nice.”
Who says romance is dead? These two will probably get married in a Denny's and show clips from each of their sex tapes at the reception. Percy Bysshe Shelley and Robert Browning could have learned a lot about romance from Pam and Rick. "Grow old along with me/the best is yet to be"? Nay, nay, friends. "There once was a trollop named Pam/who had super gigantic mams/First she wed Tommy Lee/Then Kid Rock married she/And now Salomon's jamming her clam". It's almost as beautiful as the love shared between Amy Winehouse and that dude with the hats. more »
In today's "Preposterous rumor, but it's a slow news day so what the hell" news, Matthew McConaughey was spotted walking with his girlfriend, a model named Camilla Alves. And he was wearing a ring on his left hand, so folks are automatically saying that the couple were secretly married. We don't know about you guys, but if we got married and wanted to keep it a secret, we probably would not wear a ring on our wedding finger. Then again, this is Matthew McConaughey, who is not exactly known for his towering intellect or ability to pull one over on the little people. He probably tried to leave the house in a full tuxedo with top hat and tails, empty cans on streamers tied to his belt loops and a "Just Married" sign on his back, saying, "Look, secret wife! I am in dusk-guys! I'm going to shield my face from view with this marriage certificate! No one will ever know!"
Ah, the sacred covenant of marriage. Eva and Tony did it. Katie and Tom did it. And now, Charlize Theron and actor Stuart Townshend have done it. In the magical land of make-believe! The pair wore matching wedding bands at the Toronto Film Festival, and Townshend told the press:
"I didn't do a church wedding or anything, but we're married. We're husband and wife. We love each other and we want to spend our lives together. We didn't have a ceremony, I don't need a certificate or the state or the church to say otherwise. So no there's no big official story on a wedding, but we are married ... I consider her my wife and she considers me her husband."
That's cool. We consider chocolate cake with buttercreme frosting to be a nutritious vegetable packed with minerals and antioxidants. Does that make it so? Yes. Yes it does. We don't need a fancy blessing from a "nutritionist". The fact that our cholesterol is 332 is just a "technicality". We don't buy into your authoritative patriarchal "rules", man. more »
• Pam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)
• Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)
• Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)
• Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)
Angie Everhart and Joe Pesci are engaged. To each other. If this gives you hope, remember that he made $3 million for Lethal Weapon 4 and you make $5.15 an hour at Jimmy John's.
• Scary Spice is set to marry her new boyfriend, who has a "much bigger cock" than Eddie Murphy. Yeah, but IS he a much bigger cock than Eddie Murphy? Ho ho, we thought not. Wait, what? (Bossip)
• Being pregnant totally grossed out Jaime Pressly. Awesome, because her naming her son "Dezi" totally grossed us out. And now we're even. (Celebitchy)
• Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for "exhaustion". Because sitting on comically giant piles of money and not making any new shows really takes it out of a guy. (Bricks and Stones)
• Jon Lovitz wiped up a bar with Andy Dick's stupid face. We Lovitz! (Derek Hail)
• Winona Ryder blames shoplifting on drugs. Which would also explain her sexual coupling with Dave Pirner. (Celeb Warship)
• Jumping on the Harry Potter fever bandwagon! Emma Watson holds up a pair of panties that state exactly what comes out of the wearer's anus. Helpful! (the Blemish)
• Nicole Richie's drunk driving trial has been postponed. D.A's office spokeswoman Jane Robison says, "The trial will not happen on Wednesday. Richie's attorney filed a motion... stating that their key witness, a drug expert, was unavailable for trial." The key witness is actually her fetus and will not be available for trial for six more months, when it will emerge from Nicole's tiny womb and state, "Ohhh yeah, THAT night. I was shit-wasted! Duuuude!" (IMDb/WENN)
• Britney is headed for another breakdown. She strips down to her bra, dances to her own music, flirts with married man, drinks like a fish, and, craziest of all, actually wears shoes into a public restroom! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Today, the star of waning ABC soap opera married some random athlete guy in France. These two are media masterminds because they somehow foresaw July 6, 2007 as the slowest and most boring celebrity gossip day in history, and planned accordingly. "I'll be on the cover of every magazine!" Evil Eva sneered, rubbing her hands together menacingly. "I'll sell my wedding photos for two million dollars! OK! will do a spread on 'Eva's Dream Dress'! Me, me, ME! Muahahahaha!" And France guy twisted his villainous French mustache and echoed, "Je blah vous vlah blah blah francais blah blah zhe de la blah! Muahahahaha!"
more »
Expectant parents Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber might not be living in sin, spitting in the face of Christ by allowing a bastard to grow in the Wattian womb. They appeared at the Tony Awards last night. They were approached by Entertainment Tonight, and Liev crowed,
“We are married. You got it first. Break the story!”
However, neither were wearing wedding rings, and Liev's exuberance could also be construed as sarcasm. This is eerily reminiscent of Heath Ledger's and Michelle Williams's coy, "might be, might not, F U press" marriage thing. We're gussing secret possible marriage is just one more thing Australia is good at, like vegemite, ozone holes, and dominating American films in the mid-1980s. more »
Jay-Z and his girlfriend, Bed Bath and Beyoncé, are reportedly engaged! Even though they were reportedly engaged before. This time, they mean business! Jay-Z allegedly proposed during a trip to Cannes. The Blemish quotes Beyoncé as saying:
“I want to get married and really want a family - in a perfect world I’d have two boys and a girl. You know someone loves you by the way he treats you and respects you. Me and Jay respect each other.”
Sources say Jay-Z promised Beyonce "the biggest diamond she can fit on her finger". [Another] source said: "This will be the hip-hop wedding to end all hip-hop weddings."
Let's not go nuts here. We're fairly certain nothing could top the grandiose display of pimps vs. maids crunktaculous, snapdancing, Henny-swilling that was the Spears-Federline nuptials. more »
• What's in Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (Taxi Driver)
• Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(IDLYITW)
• We look at these pictures and imagine the sound Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (Yeeeah!)
• Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (D Listed)
• After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning, Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (Cityrag)
There was once a time in CelebNewsWire history when we would be forced to write a story about Eva Longoria and her proclivity towards discussing matters of the crotch, as if compelled by some unseen, semi-sexy force. After she and athlete/awesome rapper Tony Parker were engaged, she suddenly stopped talking about her vagina and all the things that go in it an on it, and we haven't dedicated an entire story to her in five rapturous months. But like a boomerang with a vulva tattoo, she has returned! She appeared on Jimmy Kimmel's show and revealed that she has instated a "no sex" rule in the house, swearing off intercourse with Parker until their wedding night. She said,
"Luckily, we're getting married after the play-offs and then we need to consummate the marriage. I scheduled it that way."
Furthermore, they're marrying on July 7, and Eva says they chose the date because "it's the only weekend we're both off." Man, not touching your spouse-to-be for months and then squeezing a wedding in between playoffs and sitcom shooting, hurriedly timing your much-waited for connubial coitus before the new ABC season? Someone should alert A Wedding Story because this sounds like a dream come true.
more »
• Kirsten Dunst is all, "Like, if the whole world smoked weed, man . . . there would be no wars and crime and stuff. You knowwww?" Oh man. Totally, dude. Seeeriously. (Yeeeah!)
• Selma Blair's boyfriend is rumored to be shopping for rings in preparation for popping the question. Which is better than swabbing your anal ring in preparation for pooping. OR IS IT???? (IMDb)
• Rachel McAdams and that Notebook guy are also going to get hitched. Mazel tov. (D Listed)
• FHM goes heaving on the smoothing tool in Photoshop, makes Kim Stewart look slightly less embarrassing. Young Turks be free tonight indeed! Wait, what does that mean. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Howard Stern (not K.) luxuriates in the warm, comforting, leathery glow of Don Imus's verbal gaffe. (Radar)
• Brad and Angelina allegedly purchase $140 million yacht made of marble and gold, because they are Liberace. (PopSugar)
• Snoop Dogg is facing up to four years in prison. Comeback album entitled From the Dogghouse to the Big House . . . and Back Again dropping in 2011. (Celebitchy)
• Large-breasted Brit (we're starting to believe that there are no other sorts of Brits) Lucy Pinder shucks bra for a magazine called Nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
• Pammo Anderson brings back the slo-mo, running-on-the-beach Baywatch cleave ripple. And if you're not down with that, there's a cute puppy, so . . . hey.
• We don't generally condone violence or the issuing of beatdowns. But when it happens to Joe Francis, we're still going to snicker like Muttley a little, sorry.
• Halle Berry celebrates getting her Hollywood star with cleavage, as everyone should. Yeah, we're looking at you, John Tesh.
• Hey, can you maybe answer a question that's been plaguing us for over a year? Why does Pete Wentz always, ALWAYS pose for pictures doing that "oooh, you baaaad" sneer? Is it because an errant fisherman caught him on his hook? Because that's what we're fantasizing.
• Take a tenderly lumpy journey through the bas relief world of celebrity lipo.
If you've ever wished for a wedding ceremony DJed by Benji Madden (he just discovered this new band, they're called the Sex Pistols and they're awesome; you've probably never heard of them) and catered with a lavish spread of lettuce wraps with a creamy Adderall filling and vegetable spears with a lemon-water dip, you're in luck, as Nicole Richie and Joel Madden may be getting married. Our gossip nutrition coach, FemaleFirst, says:
'The Simple Life' star and the Good Charlotte frontman almost tied the knot in Las Vegas' on February 17, but decided to get Nicole's adoptive dad Lionel Richie's blessing first.
A source told National Enquirer magazine: "They picked out matching silver and diamond rings at a jewellery boutique in Caesar's Palace and then headed to the Little White Wedding Chapel where the hovered outside for ages.
"But Nicole wanted her dad's blessing so they went straight to see him when they got back to Los Angeles."
Joel was reportedly terrified about asking Lionel for his blessing.
The source added: "Joel was nervous but he was greeted with open arms and a big hug from Lionel, who thanked him for everything he has done for Nicole."
Maybe Nicole's super-skinny years will come to an end after the wedding. When she takes the one bite of wedding cake that she's allowed herself (the first sugar she's had in three years that doesn't come in Diet Coke form), something will snap in her head, she'll bury her entire face in the cake and chomp away like Pac Man, not stopping until about 2018, by which time she'll look like Gilbert Grape's mom. more »
In spite of all your praying, hoping, wishing on various sundry stars and eyelashes and cake candles, visits to voodoo priestesses and human sacrifices, Salma Hayek and BFF Penelope Cruz are, sadly, not life partners who film themselves kneading each other's chahooblies. In fact, it seems that wily Salma has been seeing someone behind our backs. Someone who gave her a ring and a zygote. Her rep announced today:
“Businessman, Francois-Henri Pinault, and his fiancee, Salma Hayek, are happy to announce they are expecting the arrival of their first child.”
In case you're wondering who Francois-Henri Pinault is, he's the CEO of a company called PPR, which owns Gucci and Yves St. Laurent. He's also the dashing Adonis pictured with Salma at left. Man, if only we had known that her type was "rich French version of Kevin Spacey" we would have cashed out all those savings bonds, put on a striped shirt and a beret, and walked right up to Salma with a K-Pax DVD held over our face. more »
• Courtney Love says she saw a gigantic pile of white powder at Paris Hilton's birthday party. So? It was just talc for Paris's new orange body/chalk face kabuki look (left).
• Sienna Miller says, "This year is the Year of the Slut! Spread 'em! That's my motto for 2007." Chinese New Year was just a few weeks ago, try. Now, we can't remember, is the Year of the Slut before or after the Year of the Tiger?
• Drop a little sumthin down some celebrity plumber's baby's daddy, too, LOL!" Yes, yes, O.J., we see you, honey. Yes, we're paying attention. That's very nice, sweetheart.
• Nicole Kidman pooped her bikini bottoms! Aw, we're just jerking your bird--it's just sand. Sandy poop!
• Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T.
• Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.
• Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.
• Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.
• Mischa Barton has allegedly dumpedCisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.
• Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!
• Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."
Rapper and friend of Eminem, Akon, might have spilled the beans about their third engagement. He said, “Eminem still loves Kim. They have one of those relationships where they are off one minute and back together the next. He can’t live with her and he can’t live without her. But they are meant for each other. They are engaged again.”
A typical reaction to Josh Duhamel on the TV program Las Vegas: "What an attractive and lovely young man. That's a nice suit he's wearing." A typical reaction to Josh Duhamel in real life: "Oh my god, he F's trannies!" And now, apparently he marries them too. more »
Poor Katie Holmes. All she ever gets to do is take intensive twelve-hour auditing sessions fueled by nothing but the Victoria Beckhamdiet, watch OT Level VIII nannies read Dianetics to her child, and once in a while leave the Cruise compound for an afternoon of photo ops, lattes, and shoe shopping. She never gets to go to Hyde with all the other starlets. When is Katie ever gonna get the chance to bear her beav in public? Huh, Tommy, when? Do you want her to be some sort of prudey Hollywood freak, is that what you want? more »
The (n)ever-reliable Sun reported yesterday that Kate Moss wed walking crack pipe Pete Doherty in a non-binding Buddhist ceremony in Phuket, Thailand. We suppose that if you are planning on having a sham wedding, a place that looks like "fuck it" is probably the place to do it, especially if Bigreggretz, Indonesia and Pürjujment, Austria are all booked up. more »
Just to prove that Daddy's bags of silicone can still nab a man and estate jewelry, Tori Spelling will get engaged every Christmas until she gets cocky, spends the holiday smack dab on the Equator, and melts into a giant plastic puddle. more »
It's nice when B-listers go all stoolie on us, describing bigger stars's shortcomings. Why not? What do they have to lose--an upcoming CSI: Cleveland guest spot? Today's tidbit comes courtesy of the underrated and charming Samaire Armstrong, describing her experience at Elton John's wedding to David Furnish:
"It was an amazing party. I sat beside Prince Andrew and Fergie . . . Sharon, Jack, Kelly and Ozzy Osbourne were there and so were Sting and Liz Hurley--who didn't wash her hands when she left the toilet!"
Our first reaction was "Hahahahaha. Liz Hurley has tinklefingers." And our second reaction was incredulity that Samaire Armstrong was invited to Elton John's wedding. Perhaps there is a clause in the Gay Constitution stating that any guy-guy wedding must be attended by at least one (1) cast member of a popular teen drama. more »
• Heather Graham's swan song of succulent sexiness. Take a look, then tip out your King Cobra on the curb.
• Lara Flynn Boyle decorated her razory clavicles with flowers, tied some white ribbons around her prominent ulnae, rubbed some pink gloss on her colossal plastic lips, and got herself married. Mazel tov!
• Nicolette Sheridan donned sheer hose with no visible pants (aka "pulling an Olsen"). Pauly Shore took a long, hard look. And pop went the Weasel. Groan, sorry.
• Sienna Miller offers a hot new diet plan to impressionable teenage girls: just drink vodka! Oh, don't look at us like that. It's a much more heathful alternative than the Lohan "strawberry booger sugar diet" or the Nicole Richie "oxygen and carbon dioxide" diet.
• Your office holiday party hookup was indiscreet and regrettable, but at least no photographic evidence exists. Christian Slater and Sharon Stone's holiday jaunt isn't faring quite so well.
• We're glad Mollygood agrees with us: Adam Brody's Ian McCulloch hair is kinda hot.
• Miss USA Tara Connor was nearly stripped of her crown after pageant owner Donald Trump got wind of the fact that she was drinking underage, failed a drug test for cocaine, and was making out with Miss Teen USA in public. When asked why he allowed her to retain her title, Trump said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
• Rip Torn got ripped. And then he drove. And then he got arrested. And became the subject of the foxiest mug shot since Nick Nolte's.
• Sophie Marceau showing nipples is much more interesting than Marcel Marceau . . . miming . . . nipples. Or something.
• Scarlett Johansson is not opposed to doing nudity. What a coincidence! We are also not opposed to Scarlett Johansson doing nudity.
• Jessica Simpsonchoked on the words to "9 to 5" during the Kennedy Center Honors. Afterwards, Violet, Judy, and Doralee got back at her by replacing her Skinny and Sweet with rat poison.
• Pete Doherty, drugs, court, etc. Move to England! The streets are paved with scag and syringes and the people all drink tea laced with ecstasy and even if you get arrested, the powderedly bewigged court dudes just give you a hug and bullet of coke and send you on your way.
Remember a week or so ago when we told you that Tomfat was too, well, fat to fit into his wedding tux? Luckily Giorgio Armani has some experience working with bingers and purgers and knows how to hide a few extra calories clinging to the hips: Slap a girdle on it and watch it waddle down the runway, hoping the seams can hold in the tide of blubber until the after party. more »
• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screechsex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.
• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.
• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"
• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?
• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.