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filed under: Bruce Willis

April 23, 2007

The Fifth Element is Youth

Bruce Willis is rumored to be dating his Perfect Stranger costar. Balki, NO!!! more »

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March 29, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: She Wants to Be The Girl with the Least Cake

• Courtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

• Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

• Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

• Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

• Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

• Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

• Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

• Cruznett!

• Gyllenspoon!

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February 28, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: A Banjo, Some Clothing, a Gold Record

• Just a reminder: Jennifer Love Hewitt still has enormous bewbs.

• Those pictures of AI's Antonella Barba smoking some dude's dork are fakes. But weep not, for it will still be entertaining to see the shame in her eyes as she belts out some Diane Warren song tonight.

• When we see a headline about Paris Hilton getting impounded, we generally take that to mean "in the butt", not her car.

• Naomi Watts is 100% with child. You know Nicole Kidman is seething with jealousy.

• Cameron Diaz's butt cleave threatens to devour her bikini bottoms in one chomp.

• Wolfgang Puck serves up a hearty lamb-and-hepatitis stew to half of Hollywood.

• Dannielynn Has Two Daddies.

• Britney's problem might be post-partum depression. Solution: make Jayden James pay.

• "It was a dark and stormy night. One of my streetwalking employees just sat on Bruce Willis's face." Breathtaking prose from a former Hollywood madam!

• Kate Moss continues to show excellent judgment by allowing Pete Doherty to move into her home. He brought with him a banjo, clothing, a gold record, and a big pile of crack.

• Lohan's got the DTs. Or she's just scared, whatever.

• You'll have to wait just a little bit longer to ~~illegally download~~ use your working and legitimate credit card to purchase a copy of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

• Anna Nicole might have died from being loopy! Oh, wait, no. Lupus. Lupus.

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January 26, 2007

Bruised Bruce Boo-hoos 'Bout Boo-boo

Everyone stop what you're doing and prepare yourselves for the disturbing news we're about to relay: Bruce Willis was bruised on the set of Die Hard 4. We know, we know, it's hard. But everything will be ok. Bruce is a trooper and we're sure he'll pull through. more »

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January 18, 2007

And Now They're Porking

Have you been boning the same boring person for eight years because you know that if you dumped said boring person there would just be another boring person--who would probably be less attractive or fatter or more annoying--to take their place? You should totally become a celebrity! Then you could change partners every six months and each one would be prettier and more successful than the last. Now you'll just have to work on getting talent and looks and charm. That should be easy. more »

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June 15, 2006

Look Who's Clocking (Photographers)

A paparazzo has filed a police report against Bruce Willis, claiming that the cueballed celebrity pushed him and shoved him with his own camera. Willis's spokesman, Paul Bloch, says that Bruce simply raised a hand up "to protect himself" because he was "blinded by the lights." Furthermore, Willis was also revved up like a deuce, or possibly wrapped up like a douche, depending on who you talk to. more »

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May 10, 2006

Bruce and Berry: Hologram Humpin'

Bruce Willis allegedly refused to shoot a sex scene with Halle Berry because she is simply too beautiful and it would have been "awkward". Instead, Halle was filmed writhing solo on a bed while Bruce's recorded voice played in the background. Sooo, we can assume the writhing she was doing was caused by disgust, or pain, or quite possibly revulsion. more »

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July 26, 2005

The Sexth Sense

We always thought our best pick-up line--“I seem to have lost my phone number. Could I borrow yours?”--was the best way to score chicks, but Bruce Willis sure has us beat. We just weren’t thinking sleazy enough. But Bruce seems to have a lot of practice in that area. more »

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July 01, 2005

Garner and Affleck Become One

Bennifer II is now official! Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have been joined together in connubial bliss. They were married Wednesday on a beach on the Turks and Caicos island. Goddammit, another celebrity wedding outsourced to an exotic foreign locale. The American wedding industry has taken such a huge hit this year that John Cougar Mellencamp is organizing a benefit concert as we speak. Rain on the scarecrow, blood on the aisle? more »

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March 10, 2005

Willis Gets (Die) Hard For Lohan

We’ve heard a lot of rumors about which washed-up scuzzballs Lindsay Lohan has been schtupping, but this one really is too much. Now the eighteen-year-old is reportedly getting cozy with fifty-year-old Bruce Willis. We couldn’t even accept the idea of Willis doin’ it with Jennifer Aniston in that one episode of Friends. more »

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CNdb: Bruce Willis Review