filed under: Brooke Hogan

"Hi, I'm Brooke Hogan. My likes include bikinis, hair bleach, the company of my daddy, visiting my brother in jail, and creative uses of denim. My dislikes include anything higher than SPF 4, my mean mom's creepy gross disgusting boyfriend, and voting." According to E!, the junior Hulkster divulged on her own reality show (oh, god, seriously?):

You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?

This has totally dashed our hopes of ever seeing a Hogan in the Oval Office. We can see it now: "Secretary of the Interior Daddy, I went on a date with a boy last night and he was really, really mean. He said he didn't like wrestling or mustaches! How could he? That's just so, so cruel. It makes me so mad. Where's that voodoo doll of Mommy's 19-year-old boyfriend? I want to scratch him really hard with my Lee Press-on Nails, then I'm gonna take that fancy letter opener that the Prime Mister of France gave me and I'm going to stick it up his butt. Oh, wait! I'm the president! I can have people tortured and killed and stuff! Secretary of the Interior Daddy, go find that mean boy and make him listen to a bunch of Staind records while you slice off his fingers and then find Jocelyn Wildenstein and have her make out with him! That'll make me feel better." more »

Hulk Hogan is fast becoming the new Papa Joe Simpson. Actually, scratch that. Hulk has surpassed Pops Simp. At least--and this is probably the first sort-of-nice thing we've ever said about him--Joe didn't ditch his wife to hook up with some young'un who looks just like Jessica. Fox News brings us a tale about Hulk keeping a close watch on Brooke in a bikini getting ogled by Maxim's cameras:

Hulk Hogan makes no secret of the fact that he's ultra-protective of his 20-year-old daughter, Brooke Hogan, but he took things one step further when he turned up to her sexy magazine shoot for men's magazine Maxim in April, a source told Pop Tarts.

The July issue features the blonde beauty with a "come hither" expression as she's poised on beachside rocks in a bikini top with her tight jeans undone.

An insider told Pop Tarts that Hulk's appearance was a surprise to those on the set, and that he came to supervise and ensure his baby girl didn't flash too much flesh. But judging by the super-sexy outcome, we don't know how pleased daddy will be.

But Brooke claims that's just how daddies show their love, along with massaging Coppertone into daughter dearest's plump, womanly butt cheeks. Of those now legendarily creepy pics, Brooke defends old pops by saying:

I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car. He used to change my diaper!

Ah, diapers! That's the key to this mystery. Hulk isn't a perv; he just has a fetish for rubbing slippery substances onto human butts. Johnson's baby oil for the infants, SPF 30 for the grown-ups. We just don't want to know how far that fetish can be pushed when the recipient didn't spring from his DNA.



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When the most exciting stories involve people with the last name "Hogan", you know it's a bleak day for gossip. For all you Hulkamaniacs out there: last night Hulk Hogan went on Larry King to discuss his son Nick being jailed for a drag race/car accident that turned Nick's best friend John Graziano into a vegetable. Instead of saying, "My son is a dingbat" or "I'm a terrible parent" or "it was all an unfortunate accident," the Hulkster said that the accident was God's will:

“This is in God’s hands. I believe things happen for a reason. This is to make Nick a better person. In my belief, this is to make John a better person.”

Wow, God must have really thought John Graziano was an asshole if he confined him to a bed, a feeding tube, and a catheter for the rest of his life. Hitler gets off with a painless cyanide death with his foxy mistress by his side and a 22-year-old former Marine gets Shiavoed. Screw you, God.

God also, apparently, hates Brooke Hogan. Because not only did He hook up her father with her best friend, but now He's made a love connection between mom Linda Hogan and a 19-year-old who looks eerily like Nick Hogan.

Not everyone approves of Hollywood cougars—least of all their cubs. Brooke Hogan’s reaction to her 48-year-old mom, Linda, dating someone 29 years her junior? “I’m totally freaked out,” she told E! satellite radio personality Michael Yo during a conversation the two had off air.

“I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support.”

The Hulkster’s daughter also confirmed that mom’s man-child, Charley Hill, 19, was a classmate of hers and her jailed brother, Nick. “I went to school with him. He was a grade under me…Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us (in school).”

Cripes, Linda. Down, girl. We accept the fact that all Hogans only sleep with people who have curiously white and flowing locks, but at least go for someone older than your children. How about Edgar Winter? Or Santa Claus. more »

• Elizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (The Blemish)

• Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)

• Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)

• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (Derek Hail)

• When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)

• Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (Holy Taco)

• Former Full House fox Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved 90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (Hollywire)