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Welcome, children, to a new edition of things you already know. Today's lesson: Christina Aguilera has huge cha-chas. When it comes to learning a new concept, it's best to repeat memorization exercises until the knowledge has implanted itself in your brain. But instead of looking at a one dollar bill and reciting, "George Washington is on the one dollar bill. George Washington was the first president of the United States. One dollar bill=first president," you will be committing to memory these pictures of Xtina's slammin' sandbags and saying, "Christina Aguliera is a huge star. Stars are pointy, just like boobs. Christina Aguilera has huge boobs." That's all for today, students. For homework we'd like you to study these pictures of Xtina until you are certain that you can remember that Christina Aguilera=giant gazongas.
Jordan really has it rough. Now that she has normal-sized knockers instead of super-inflated igloos, they hurt. Plus, when she wakes up in the morning, she has to feel around for her nipples to make sure they haven't rolled off of her teat tips and slipped into her armpits. What a difficult life that Jordan leads! Our own nipple checker, FemaleFirst, reports of her pontoon pain:
Jordan's latest breast operation has left her in agony.
The former glamour model - real name Katie Price - underwent her fifth boob job earlier this month, but the reduction surgery is proving so painful she has lost her appetite and can't sleep.
A source said: "She is in a lot of pain, but the surgeon has told her it is normal. She is not sleeping well because she can't lie flat and has to sit upright all the time. She is finding it tough to eat properly."
Despite the pain, Jordan - who is married to Australian pop singer Peter Andre - is said to be happy with her new, smaller breasts.
The source added: "As soon as she woke up from surgery, she felt around to make sure they were sitting upright and that her nipples were in the right place. She is feeling positive about it all so far."
Now Peter is reportedly considering going under the surgeon's knife to get a more toned abdomen because he is struggling to lose his excess pounds.
"Waaaa! My boobies are sore! Will you please rub my poor sore boobies, Peter Andre?" Unfortunately we think the answer will come back no, unless Jordan's doo-dad downsizing was so severe that they now feel like testes.
Back in the David Silver days, we were obsessed with Tori Spelling's truly nature-defying tit tunnel. Did she stick a broomstick in there when it was time to clean the house to keep her hands free to do the dusting? If David stuck his 9021-pole in there before Donna's official deflowering, was she still a virgin? But now those concerns have been surpassed by something much more important: Where in the hell did that boob cave come from? We've noticed the unevenness of her boobal area before, but never has the indentation seemed so pronounced. Does it get deeper with every child she births? Every piece of her soul she sells to reality television? But we guess the better question here is, how can we use this boob cave for our amusement? A game perhaps? How about a variation on the popular party game beer pong? Pontoon pong, we'll call it. Every time a player lodges a ping pong ball in Tori's torso dimple, their opponent must suck out some of Tori's breast milk, directly from the source. We expect Milton Bradley to be calling us any second now. more »
Cate Blanchett is a woman of style, grace, dignity, and class, one of the few ladies worthy of portraying a queen. But that doesn't mean that she has to cover herself in burlap and eschew showering. No, so is also very, very pretty. And very, very pretty people generally like you to know that they are very, very pretty. And you know what helps to make someone very, very pretty? Boobs. Big, juicy, succulent boobs. And if they're barely contained in a sexy black dress that smooshes them together, all the better. So thank you, Cate Blanchett's latest offspring, for helping Mommy grow such glorious gazongas. And here you thought the point of getting knocked up was to breed life, sustain the species, all that crap. Nope. It's so you can inflate those funbags. This guy sure seems to approve.
Oh, Lindsay Lohan, you wily little firecrotch. You dastardly, speckled enchantress. You've been so busy coyly rubbing your lips against your Aaron Carter lookalike lover lady that we haven't noticed what you've been doing there. Under your shirt. And that's feeding the bears. Bears, boobs, whatever, they're both huge and powerful yet cuddly. According to our personal gossip zookeeper, FemaleFirst, Lindsay's been stuffing her cakehole full of crap that's been going to all the right places. She says,
"My guiltiest pleasure is McDonalds and I adore their French fries. I also love peanut butter and jam sandwiches in the morning after a night out.
"When I was filming 'The Parent Trap' in London all I wanted was American food like Dunkin' Donuts and McDonalds but I was only young. Nowadays, I love to eat turkey sandwiches in my trailer with mayonnaise and salad. I have them on brown bread though to counteract the mayonnaise."
So if fish is "brain food", we now know that McDonald's is "tit food". It's like when you're six and your dad says, "Eat your carrots! They'll put hair on your chest!" Only replace "carrots" with "The Arch Deluxe" or "Skippy and Smuckers" and "hair" with "gigantic yoinkers".
More of Lindsay without Sam, without a bra, but with nurse shoes:
Holy Bazoombas, Batman! (And there. We did it. We mentioned damned Batman, which is apparently very popular with the kids these days. Can we move on, please? We've got boobies to talk about.) Here we have Rosario Dawson in a bikini. The camera is placed in a very convenient location so that me may easily ogle her deep, deep cleavage. We are very appreciative of this placement. And so is Rosario, apparently. In our next exhibit you will see Rosario noticing this convenient lens location.
She's saying, "Hi, Mr. Cameraman! Hi! Did you get a good shot of my maracas? They're very lush. Oh, you did? Good, good. That's settled then. How about my butt? Did you see that? No? OK, I'll just finish hosing myself off here and get up and show you. You just hold tight. It'll just be a minute."
Jessica Simpson might not be the smartest. Or the most talented. Or the prettiest. Or the best at singing. Or particularly skilled at cooking. Or a perfect shot. Or good with a crochet hook. Or a master of archery. Or--you get the picture. But one area in which she excels over all is the chestular area! In Touch Weekly conducted an urgently important poll in which readers voted on the "Best Celebrity Breasts" and Jessica came out on top. Top! Get it? Here is the full list:
That's, frankly, a rather odd list. Because Audrina Patridge and Carmen Electra don't actually have breasts. Unless jelly-filled ziplocs are tits. And we never noticed Katherine Heigl had breasts because they were dwarfed by the size of her mouth the the cloud of Marlboro smoke. more »
OK, so obviously we know that Christina Aguilera has gigantic non-genuine gazongas. But have they grown recently? Those things are monumental. Perhaps in her baby-rearing down time Xtina is actually a super talented scientist who has devoted herself to discovering space-age polymers (we're not quite sure what those are; we think we heard about them on The Jetsons) that can grow and shrink at their master's will. Sweater feeling a little loose in the boobal area? All Christina has to do is give her nipples a couple of tweaks and her breast flesh (or flesh-like plasticine material, as it were) will expand to fill in the excess material. By the time little Max turns five, Xtina should be able to discover the key to turning off her magical breast expansion and contraction so she doesn't accidentally smother Jordan Bratman during foreplay.
Find more pics of Christina's super-sized cantaloupes at The Superficial.
Actress Sienna Miller had to wear fake breasts for her role in forthcoming action movie "G.I. Joe," because her own cleavage was not big enough for director Stephen Sommers.
Miller joins Dennis Quaid and Brendan Fraser to play femme fatale The Baroness in the upcoming movie, which is based on the popular toys and TV series.
But Miller admits she was left slightly stunned when Sommers told her that her small chest had to be given an extra boost so she would look more curvaceous on screen.
She says, "(I wear a) tight black leather outfit. And much bigger boobs.
"They gave me these things that looked like chicken fillets. The director said, 'I'm gonna be honest, I like girls with big boobs,' and I don't have them so we made them bigger.
"At least he's honest. But I was mildly offended."
Sure, the hot chick in a summer blockbuster action movie needs big bazooms. That's understandable. But this Stephen Sommers may have a bit of a problem, as we heard he requested the same wardrobe enhancement for Elijah Wood in his adaptation of Huck Finn. That just looked weird. more »
Today we've got a bit of a Sienna Miller grab bag for you. First she talks about her boobs. Then she talks about her boobs some more. OK, so we guess it's not really a grab bag. Unless by "bag" we mean "nutsack". If that's the case, then Sienna Miller talking about her titties is most definitely a grab bag. Our own personal breast specialist, FemaleFirst, reports:
Sienna Miller burnt her boobs while making her new movie.
The 26-year-old actress revealed the accident happened when she was filming a stunt for action blockbuster 'G.I. Joe'.
She revealed: "I had every intention of working out but it just didn't happen - I've never been to the gym.
"I got burnt boobs, I ran the wrong way under an explosion. It was my own fault, I'm clumsy, there's a little scar."
Sienna - who stripped off in 'Factory Girl' and the forthcoming 'Hippie Hippie Shake' - also admitted she finds nude scenes uncomfortable because of "perverts" on set.
She added: "The damage is done, everything'sbeenseen! It's a little bit awkward at the time. There's the odd perve in the corner."
Because this is Sienna Miller here, and the total wardrobe cost for the duration of her career thus far has been about $87, we're assuming that Sienna's boobs were burnt because she was running away from an explosion in the nude, in slow motion. We're also assuming that particular scene will eat up at least 40 minutes of screen time, which will help G.I. Joe beat every single box-office record in history. Yea for Sienna's scones! more »
Old men and foxy young models is a popular pairing in famous-people land, and one of our favorite old/young couples is old gray rooster Rod Stewart and his child bride Penny Lancaster, and News of the World got some hot shots of the two on a boat in the Mediterranean. While on board, it seems Rod got a hankering for hooter and Penny was happy to oblige:
As hungry Rod nipped along the deck towards her, Penny, 37, pulled down her pink sun-dress and popped out a boob. The 63-year-old star went ga-ga at the sight of it and cheekily latched on. One onlooker said: “What made it even weirder was the fact Rod was wearing an all-pink outfit too.”
When you're a sweet and nubile little thing, entering into a romance with a gruff and ruggedly aging superstar probably seems like a fine idea, but a few years into the marriage and your man has lost most of his molars and you find yourself bypassing the "grinding up his canning peaches in the Cuisinart" stage and hurtling straight into breastfeeding. Katie Lee Joel, welcome to your future, won't you come inside?
Ol' Tits Knightley, oh, how we've missed you. Sure, Keira Knightley has been out and about, hanging with right old chap Rupert Friend and practicing her pronunciation of 'enry 'iggins, but we haven't heard her wax poetic on her most favorite subject--tits--in quite some time. But now that she's set to once again bare her "two aspirins on an ironing board" in the upcoming Dylan Thomas biopic The Edge of Love, it's time to talk titties. According to IMDb:
Keira Knightley didn't hesitate when she was asked to bare her breasts in new movie The Edge Of Love - because she believes sex scenes are more believable when performed by naked actors.
The 23-year-old actress has no qualms about appearing in the buff, insisting nudity has even become a habit of hers.
She tells People magazine, "I always bare my breasts. It's not like it's only in this film!"
So when Edge Of Love filmmaker John Maybury requested her to remove her bra, she was happy to oblige: "I said, 'All right then.'
"It was very simple. It was a sex scene and I never like them when they've got bras on."
This is exciting and all, but we get the impression that The Edge of Love can't possibly live up to our lofty expectations. It stars Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller. And they do it! In our minds we're pretty much imagining a Misty Mundae movie, with Keira and Sienna completely naked and bumping boobies in the Welsh countryside for roughly 89% of the film. But then we watched the trailer. It's a bit more Jane Austen with Wellies than Jesse Jane. Maybe next time, girls.
You wouldn't really think that Chris Robinson would pass on hyper-masculine genes to his spawn, but his four-year-old son with Kate Hudson already has a fondness for funbags. As Kate explained to Conan O'Brien:
I'm working on getting him off being interested in female parts. He thinks it's hilarious when he pulls off my shirt. He's four years old!
We're sure it would get annoying to have your four-year-old repeatedly play find the booby, especially if he continues the de-shirting in public. But luckily Kate is in a bit of a unique situation: If she wants to curb the kid looking up her shirt, all she has to do is sit him in front of the TV and put in Almost Famous. The kid can get his fix of Mommy's boobs while Kate's playing Scrabulous or baking a quiche or something. more »
Being Americans and all, we're not exactly sure what this Nuts magazine is all about. Going by the title, one might assume that it was a testicle fetish thing, but using our amazing powers of deduction, we can infer it's mostly about Keeley Hazell's gargantuan breasts. Thus, they should call it Chest Nuts. Or maybe Cat Fancy, that's a nice name.
Step into the cut to fill your eyes with front butt! more »
And here we have Hollywood's hottest chuckle-maker, Funbags the Clown, at an event this past weekend. Although Funbags is extremely popular, she is available for your child's birthday party, any and all ribbon-cutting ceremonies, carnivals and street fairs, and bat mitzvahs. Watch in wonder as she removes the balloons from her chest cavity and fashions them into giraffes and wiener dogs for the kiddies.
Last month, we reported that Megan Fox would be getting topless in her new movie, Jennifer's Body. And guess what, America? In your collective face! We were totally right! Of course we said that her jugs would be covered in her own hair and they're actually covered in nipple-hued pasties, but God, man, you don't complain when Nostradamus said "Two brothers torn apart by Chaos while the fortress endures" instead of "attacks on big buildings on September 11", right? Even though it's not real nudity, please come into our cut to eyeball Megan's twin towers.
Ashlee Simpson has finally cracked the code to success. She's tried and tried, to no avail, getting engaged, toying with the public's minds over a possible wee Wentz in the womb, but those tactics haven't helped sell records. But you know what works every time? Boobs. Put some nice juicy jugs in a man's face, and he's sure to buy your record. And we thought Ash never took big sis's advice (well, other than every good older sister's passed-down wisdom: "You can't get pregnant if you do it in the butt." Or was that just our sister?). Those Simpsons sure know how to use a set of sweater stuffers to their advantage. And if that doesn't work, maybe a quickie wedding will do the trick. Ash can't let Mimi steal all the profiteering publicity. Reports Hollyscoop:
Ashlee Simpson has a lot on her plate, a new album, a baby on its way and a wedding. The singer is set to have a shotgun wedding next weekend in California to her rocker beau Pete Wentz.
A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."
Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.
You know what? We don't really care if Ashlee and Petey are getting married next week or next millennium, and we also don't care about the occupation of Ashlee's womb. We know gossip has been a little sparse lately, but c'mon! It's bikini season. Where are the dastardly waves plotting to wash away famous ladies' tops? Is Kate Moss the only lady of importance who goes to nude beaches anymore? We appreciate Ashlee throwing us the boob bone here, but knowing that her cavernous casabas come from a need for publicity and not a true love of funbag flaunting sort of ruins it. Plus, she's with Pete. Two boobs in one photo are enough for us.
In case you were wondering what award-winning actress Keeley Hazell has been up to lately, the answer is "the usual". The usual being two gigantic, succulent skin domes filled with a milky fluid. Underneath the word "NUTS". Good luck with that whole masturbating thing!
After the cut, the boobs sans the word "splendid" over them. more »
According to TMZ, "Amy Smart was shot today on the set of her new movie Crank 2: High Voltage." However, we're going to pretend we didn't read that and instead just assume that she's hard at work filming New Hope for the Wretched: The Wendy O. Williams Story. Either that, or her boobs are X'ing up in preparation for the Have Heart show at Edgefest 2008. Those tits are true til death! more »
Just the other day we heard children's book author/vagina rejuvenation enthusiast Jordan proclaim that big boobs are, like, so 2007. Which is kind of like Britney Spears deciding that weaves are the dorkiest things since pocket protectors, but whatever. It seems that Kate Beckinsale agrees that implants are not this season's must-have accessory, so it's all deny, deny, deny that she ever stuffed some junk in her torso. The San Fransisco Chronicle reports:
British actress Kate Beckinsale has been "driven to despair" by rumors she has undergone breast enlargement surgery.
The "Pearl Harbor" star was reported to have opted for a figure-enhancement operation in 2005, after she was photographed sporting a noticeably larger chest.
But the 34-year-old insists her breasts grew naturally when she gained weight for her role in 2005 movie "The Aviator."
And Beckinsale has now vowed not to answer any questions about the rumored surgery, because she is sick of talking about it.
She says, "The boob job thing has driven me to despair. I'm not discussing my breasts with anyone but my husband and my daughter from now on.
"I think once you start saying, 'No, I haven't' too many times, it sounds as if you're protesting too much."
"I'm not discussing my breasts with anyone but my husband and my daughter from now on"? Just how often do you bring up your boobs when chatting with your nine-year-old offspring? When you jabber on about the buoyancy of your bazooms and their all-natural lift, does Lily yell, "Stop talking about your freakin' funbags, Mom! It's gross. And I'm trying to listen to this Hannah Montana song!" Or do your talks usually start by cracking open this book? more »
As it turns out, that demi-moon of Rihannaareola we saw the other day was a true anomaly--she normally hides those things under a hearty layer or two of medical adhesives. She recently let InStyle magazine in on her #1 beauty secret:
"I love Band-Aids. They are great for shoe blisters, as nipple covers and also for nail mishaps - people just think you have a cut."
Repeat vagina flashers have a lot to learn from the wit and wisdom of Rihanna. Just think of all the agony and embarrassment that could have been avoided had Britney Spears suited up with a few well-placed bandages over her clammola. They even have the advantage of giving you a free wax if you rip them off fast enough. "I'm like Rihanna, y'all! People will just think I have a cunt!" she'll say happily.
* CelebnewsWire Blog-Writing Tip #682: when your story lacks humor and entertainment, just turn it around and make a "Britney is a hillbilly!" joke. We recommend starting out by employing some sort of prop: Starbucks cup, cystic acne, Barbie weave, Frito Lay products. Then just let your imagination run wild! The sky's the limit! Eat your heart out, Copyblogger! more »
Once the soft, warm, globular paragon of feminine buxomosity, Scarlett Johansson has, as of late, been placed on the back burner due to the gossip world's present obsession with celebritites being pregnant with twins. But let us not forget Scarjo, who, long before Max and Emme, bore twins of her own. Twins made out of fatty tissue and nipples. Twins famously joggled by Isaac Mizrahi. Here are said twins (pssst! We're talkin' 'bout titties!!!) making a daring escape from the rayon prison that is her dress, from the movie A Good Woman (clip kinda NSFW):
Well, the jig is up. That master of disguise, Tori Spelling, has finally let the cat out of the bag. According to our plastic surgery prep nurse, FemaleFirst, Tori told The Sun:
"I had a boob job. There it is. I finally said it. I wanted to come clean that I had my boobs done in my 20s because people falsely write that I've had all these things done. I've had the two procedures that probably every other woman in Hollywood has had done."
The curious, funnel-shaped chasm between her softballs-in-socks breasts? Not God-given? Our entire belief system is crumbling like a house of cards. more »
Naomi Watts really knows how to please a man--even one who's only three apples high: Show him her boobs! Our celebrity air hostess, FemaleFirst, reports:
Naomi Watts had to breastfeed her seven-month-old son Alexander to keep him quiet on a 14-hour flight.
The 'Eastern Promises' star - who is engaged to actor Liev Schreiber - revealed her unsettled son started crying as soon as they boarded the plane to go to Los Angeles from Sydney, Australia, so she was forced to whip out her boob to soothe him.
She said on US TV show 'Jimmy Kimmel Live!': "That was the first time I felt guilty about getting on a plane. Fortunately, I can fly first class these days. The baby's with me, but he started screaming the minute we got on and didn't stop for a good 40 minutes.
"People literally stood out of their seats and gave me glaring eyes. I think they just feel a little p****d off that they spent so much money on a flight and they have to listen to that.
"He's too young for drugs! So I just put him on the boob!"
Sure, Naomi was successful in calming down her kid, but what about everyone else on that plane? Did she think they would forget about the screaming tot once they had some free mini-bar bottles of Robert Mondavi Chardonnay and a couple of Milano cookies? Of course not. If Naomi was truly concerned about the comfort of her fellow first-class passengers she would have shoved her boobs in their faces too. It works wonders on the sour demeanor of anyone, no matter their age. more »
Kelly Rowland, also known as The Other Destiny's Child Girl, is tired of living in Beyonce's shadow. The shadow created by Beyonce's lovely, plump bustline. So she went out and bought herself a nice pair of cans! Kelly admits:
"I was sick of not fitting into my tops. There was this one House Of Dereon top - I just wanted to fill that out. I simply went from an A-cup to a B-cup. I didn't want to have double-Ds and be little bitty size two - that would look nuts! It is a decision I made for myself. I like it, and that's all that counts."
Just yesterday, Nicole Richie was crabbing that her baby-generated chahooblies completely decimated the way clothes look on her, and here comes Kelly Rowland claiming that she needs a pair in order to have her outfits look presentable. If only Nicole could reach into her chest cavity, scoop out the offending mass of breast tissue, and cram it into Kelly via her belly button. That's called "cooperation". When we work together, we all win!
Nicole Richie's decaying, dem bones-style physique of yore garnered her a lot of flak, but now that she has birthed a baby, her average, healthy bod has her down in the dumps. Nicole recently told OK! mag:
"I am bustier now and I really don't like it. It doesn't really fit with my wardrobe, it's not who I am. I am not someone who is used to wearing a bra or having to wear a bra. I really don't like it.
"I like wearing vintage hippy see-through shirts that aren't slutty on me because there is nothing to look at. Now I have boobs so I can't really wear it because it sends out a different message."
GOD. Stupid babies! They screw up everything. If they're not wanting to be held and fed or marinating in a cocktail of urine and feces, they're ruining the lines of your Balenciaga couture.
Tabloids are up in arms about Suri Cruise being allowed to imbibe nothing aside from a curious concoction they call "barley water". Frankly, we think people should be more concerned about the dietary habits of Christina Aguilera's spawn, tiny Max Liron Bratman.
Not only were his first days on Earth marred by having a crowd of cooing strangers gawking at his ding dong being trimmed while genital balloons bobbled overhead, his first outer utero meal was a giant mouthful of polysiloxane road-mapped in ropey blue veins. Mmm mmm mmm! Toasty!
These days, film studios have CGI wings, but according to "two aspirins on an ironing board" beauty Keira Knightley, once upon a dream, in the golden age of Hollywood, there instead existed sections of trained artisans devoted entirely to the artistic shading and contouring of human breasts. L