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filed under: Bobby Brown

June 09, 2008

Hell To the No: Bobby Brown's Son Says LiLo Was His Tenderoni

lindsay lohan smiles in purple.jpg Since Lindsay Lohan moved on to sucking clam in the DJ booth, we haven't heard many of those "I banged LiLo in a toilet stall" stories that we feel like we've heard a million times before. Penthouse Forum The Sun relays this very believable story:
THERE’S not a week that goes past without a new LINDSAY LOHAN sex story – and in the latest she’s gone back to men.

BOBBY BROWN’S son BRANDON is claiming that he got intimate with the actress in a TOILET.

Apparently Lindsay – who most recently has been seen cosying up to female DJ SAMANTHA RONSON – couldn’t resist the reality TV star’s charms.

He boasts: “Me and Lindsay got really, really close.

“She followed me to the bathroom during a private party, and, well, we basically got together.

“I think she knew who I was when she first saw me.

“We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in.”

Unsurprisingly things didn’t work out, although Brandon says: “I'm actually trying to get back in touch with her – really soon.”
Hmmmmm. “I think she knew who I was when she first saw me." We're going to call bullshit on that one, as The Sun didn't even know who he was. Bobby Brown doesn't have a son named Brandon. It's Landon. Sure, he's technically a "reality TV star" as The Sun claims, having appeared on Rock the Cradle, but when you're outshone by castmates Chloe "I only look like I was just punched in the face" Lattanzi and Lil B. Sure!, that's not saying much about your powers to be recognized by A-listers. Plus, we highly doubt Lohan watches much MTV. What little time she has to devote to the televised arts is usually spent catching a showing of Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade on Skinemax. more »
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April 10, 2008

Ray J To Bobby Brown: You Don't Give Good Love

whitney houston says call me.jpg If you are like Serge Gainsbourg (Which, obviously, you are. We can tell by your spot-on rendition of "Lemon Incest."), then you want to crawl into the non-dooty-bubble-containing hole previously visited by Bobby Brown, i.e., Whitney Houston's vagina. And if you ever get that chance, erstwhile Kardashian humper and brother to Brandy Ray J has some tips for you. Page Six tells the tale of two of Whitney's former willies duking it out with the written word:
As the 44-year-old diva with the legendary voice struggles to make her comeback, both of her exes have written scandalous things about her.

Her ex-husband Bobby Brown has come out with a tell-all autobiography, "Being Bobby Brown: The Whole Truth and Nothin' But," in which he details his and Houston's drug use and addresses the rumors of her bi-sexuality.

And now her much younger lover, Ray J, 27, has written a song dissing Brown and detailing his sex life with Houston.

In Ray J's "Boyfriend," off his just-released album, "All I Feel," which debuts this week, Ray J croons, "Is that your wife, is that your shorty, well I'm her boyfriend . . . I think the problem is you don't beat it right . . . Making love is cool, just pull her hair sometimes."

The feeling between Brown and Ray J seems to be mutual. While Ray J is more blatant in his diss, Brown tries to be subtler.

In his book, Brown writes:

"For those of you who want to know, I'm aware of the fact that Whitney had been seeing Ray J, a very young R&B artist who is most famous for being the little brother of Brandy, the multi-platinum singing artist and TV star.

"Their relationship doesn't bother me. She's open to see whoever she wants to see, just like I can see who I want to see. I know the age difference between her and the little guy is 20 years, but to each his own. The only concern I had was how our daughter felt about the age difference. As long as she's cool with it, it's fine by me."

At least Whitney hasn't starred in any sex tape. Ray J shot to national attention after he marketed a sex tape of him and ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian in flagrante.

After that video was released, with Kardashian's blessings (she also rose to fame on the wings of the tape), Ray J signed a deal with Vivid Entertainment to direct porn.

When he started dating Houston, Ray J would take any opportunity to have a picture with the diva - and friends were concerned their love life would end up on the Internet, as well.
Did Bobby find Jesus or something? That's one of the lamest excuses for an insult we've heard in a long time. Only a love of the lord could turn the Bobby Brown of yore into someone who says "you're so much younger than me" and then congratulates himself with a hardy "Ha ha! Burn! I sure showed him who the man is around here!" I mean, when Zahara and Shiloh are exchanging more heated jibes than a celebrated "bad boy" and a sex-tape star, it's time to send them out to pasture.
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April 03, 2008

Whitney Houston: Tenderoni. Drug Pusher.

whitney_houston_crack.jpgTo listen to Bobby Brown tell his sad tale of woe, you'd think him a wide-eyed naďf being taken by the hand by a hollow-eyed, fur-coated ghoul named Whitney, led into a troll cave, and plied with all manner of illicit powders and potions. Today, our beloved gossip sober companion, Female First, has a few quotes from Bobby's upcoming biography, Bobby Brown: The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But. He says:
"I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice. At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine."
And not only did Whitney lead poor wee Brown down the road of narcotics and sauteed cocaine, but she did not offer her husband a life of bluebirds, picket fences, and casserole recipes from Redbook. Brown weeps:
"I think it [the marriage] was doomed from the very beginning. Within the first year we separated, with several more to follow. I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married. I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children. Whitney was under a lot of pressure. The media was accusing her of having a bisexual relationship with her assistant, Robin Crawford. In Whitney's situation, the only solution was to get married and have kids. That would kill all speculation, whether it was true or not."
Don't downplay the Greatest Love of All, Bobby. We're not talking about the love between crackheads or the love between the beard and the bearded. We're talking about the love that causes one to cock a finger and coax a dootie bubble out of one's spouse's rectum. more »
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October 11, 2007

Bobby Brown Did Not Have Heart Attack; Crack Attack Likely

bobby brown in hat.jpg Everybody calm the fuck down; Bobby Brown did not have a heart attack. He just stopped by the hospital for the whole turn-your-head-and-cough treatment. He needed an experienced doctor to stick a couple of fingers up his rectum and search for errant doodie bubbles. You don't want those things inching their way out when you're stuck on a tour bus. So for all you thousands upon thousands of people who have tickets for Bobby B's upcoming tour, don't worry. You will get your chance to see the man up close and pretend that you are his tender Roni.
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May 14, 2007

Bobby Brown Hears Teenagers Love Poverty, Sues for Custody

bobby brown odb.jpg Things to do when you wish to gain custody of your child: Shower. Wear a suit. Keep a steady job. Hire a reputable lawyer. Don't refer to your offspring as "a rude, thoughtless little pig." Things Bobby Brown does when he wishes to gain custody of his daughter Bobbi Kristina: Claim he couldn't attend the first court hearing because he was broke. Admit he's been homeless since his divorce from Whitney Houston. According to TMZ, Bobby B said:
"After Whitney and I separated, I had nowhere to go and very little money to live on. I was, for all intents and purposes, homeless. . . . I believe I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter Bobbi Kris -- a relationship that I would like to see strengthen and grow."
"Hey, Mr. judge man, I really like my kid. She cool. And I'd really like to hang with her. I've got this great bench I stay on in the park; it hardly has any pigeon shit on it. And most days this nice businessman walks by and gives me a dollar and I can go to Taco Bell and get a bean burrito. I would definitely share it with Bobbi Kris. She likes beans. We'd be tight. It would be awesome for her, so I'd really like you to grant me custody." Sounds like a plan, Bobby. But what about all those other kids you have? Do their mommas not have lucrative back catalogs that include "I Will Always Love You" and "Greatest Love of All"?
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April 05, 2007

I Wanna Divorce with Somebody

whitney and bobby.jpeg Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's divorce has been finalized. It must feel really great to finally be rid of that crazy bitch. Wait, which one are we talking about? It applies to either one, really. Anyway, the real victim here, Bobbi Kristina, will stay with her mother. TMZ reports:
It's pretty much all over -- including the crying -- for Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's marriage.

An Orange County judge granted Houston a divorce yesterday, and sole custody of their 14-year-old daughter, Bobbi Kristina. In the ten-minute hearing, Judge Franz Miller ruled that the divorce would become final on April 24.

In court, Houston testified, as the AP reports, that Brown was an unreliable father. "If he says he's going to come, sometimes he does. Usually he doesn't," she told the judge.

Houston wept as the decision was announced, and did not talk to reporters afterwards. Brown didn't show up for the hearing. The couple has been married since 1992, and Houston filed for a legal separation last September. Brown's attorney says he will seek to overturn the judge's ruling.
That must have been a really tough decision for the judge to make. "Should the girl go to the crazy crackhead or the other crazy crackhead?" In the end the only choice was the crackhead who seems to not want to be a crackhead anymore, who just so happens to be the one who has not been repeatedly arrested for not taking care of/paying for his other kids. A good choice really.
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March 01, 2007

Maybe Howard Stern Can Give Him a Job Producing Realistic Fart Sounds

bobby brown tongue.jpg Doubtless you've heard Bobby Brown was arrested and put in jail for not being able to keep his kids in Fubu gear and Bratz dolls. This is not all that surprising. Also not surprising: He can't scrounge up the dough to make bail. Crack may be whack, but shit's also expensive. more »
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November 02, 2006

Bobby Brown to Produce Plaything for Baby Speedball Doherty

Bobby Brown has knocked up Super Head, a.k.a. Karrine Steffans. Apparently whack crack gives sperm super powers to defy modern medical science and all the rules of logic. more »
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October 18, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: "Yes, I Have Fucked George Clooney"

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.
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October 03, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Drop Knowledge, Not Bombs

George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!
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September 14, 2006

The Greatest Love of All Comes to a Bitter End

It's been fourteen long years in the making, but Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are finally Splitsville. No word yet in regards to the cause of the breakup, but in situations like this, it's usually because one of them got clean. And seeing how Whitney's been appearing in public with her wig on straight while wearing weather-appropriate clothing, we're banking on her. Congrats! more »
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March 29, 2006

Didn't We Almost Smoke It All

Beware, little children: If you work really, really hard to evolve from your local gospel choir to garishly colored videos on MTV requiring eighteen cans of Aquanet per performer, then transition yourself into an "actress" who gets to swoon over pre-Waterworld, pre-happy endings Kevin Costner, there will be a downside. You will soon meet up with a former boybander and be led down the fiery path to crack-addiction hell and your bathroom will look like this:

whitney.jpg

Oh, if only Whitney Houston had married that nice Ralph Tresvant instead! more »
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February 10, 2006

Bobby Brown Must Have Saved up Some of His Crack Money to Buy a Computer

We all know that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are double-dipped in crazy, so what's it like growing up with the doody bubbles as your parental figures? Apparently it causes you to accept MySpace as your personal friend and confidante. more »
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January 17, 2006

I Will Always for a Few Years Love You

When the first decade of the 21st century draws to a close who will you think of as the most devastating celebrity de-coupling? Brad and Jen? Nick and Jessica? The Hoff and anonymous blonde? No, we're guessing your five-years-from-now self will be the most torn up over Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. more »
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August 02, 2005

Every Little Poop I Take, You Will Be There

Obviously Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are way too comfortable with their bodily functions. Not only do they freely talk about the various things coming out of their asses, they do in front of television cameras. But then we can’t poop unless the bathroom door is locked, the lights are out, and the house is completely silent, so maybe we’re the one with the problem. more »
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July 01, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Engagements A-Go-Go. And Poop.

Pink proposed to her boyfriend, motocross racer and Surreal Life star Carey Hart. Not to be confused with Corey Hart. That would just be preposterous.

• Looks like Stella Lost Her Groove again. Because, as it turns out, her groove was A Gay.

Fergie scares us. Fergie looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid that grew up and turned into a gypsy tweaker. But apparently, that's a look Josh Duhamel likes enough that he wants to wake up next to it for the rest of his life, so, you know. We're shutting up now.

Bobby and Whitney say: You don't know true love until you've dug impacted feces out of your lover's sphincter.

Brangelina gets attacked by some crazy punk kid! Not screwing? Pfft.

•Hey, look. Mariah Carey has a new boyfriend.

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