• Elizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (The Blemish)

• Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)

• Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)

• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (Derek Hail)

• When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)

• Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (Holy Taco)

• Former Full House fox Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved 90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (Hollywire)

Just about a month ago we were given the gift of Amy Winehouse's tape-covered 'hab-bags, and at the time we mentioned the curious fact that "Amy Winehouse nude" had been one of CelebNewsWire's top ten search phrases for a couple of months. Well, we're sorry to report that your interest in Wino's wobblies has diminished since that need was partially placated, with "Amy Winehouse nude" now pulling in to the #16 station. But fret not, our crack-fiend-loving brethren, because Amy's jailed junky hubby may just pique your interest anew--by trading a topless snap for a fix. Reports England's People (which seems a lot more interesting and salacious than its Stateside namesake):

Amy Winehouse will be left seething when she sees her banged-up hubby has traded intimate photos of her to feed his heroin habit in jail.

Desperate Blake Fielder-Civil gave a fellow lag seven snaps including one of the singer with her boobs spilling out of a bra.

He exchanged them for tobacco - which he then swapped with another inmate for the drug.

Superstar Amy, 24, knew the 25-year-old loser had been selling signed publicity shots of her while he's on remand in London's Pentonville jail.

But she'll be outraged when she finds out the rat has betrayed her by flogging personal pictures.

A friend said last night: "She'll be livid - the photos are her memories and for Blake to sell them is a real let-down. Amy won't believe he can stoop this low."

A prison source said: "Blake is in a bad way and is always desperate for any drugs he can get his hands on. Some of the photos of Amy are a bit racy but he obviously puts his habit before his wife."

The seven snaps include three of the loved-up couple canoodling on a hotel balcony on their wedding day in Miami almost a year ago.

Others show Amy posing in a bra - and sticking out her tongue as she frolics in a pool in a bikini.

But the most upsetting image for the Back To Black star is the boobbaring shot of her in lacy undies.

We are Yanks, so there are many things about England that we don't understand, but their legal system has to be at the top of the list. Pete Doherty had to get caught with drugs like 42 times before he went to jail, yet Blake has been locked up on suspicion of perverting justice for three years now, we think. Was he ever convicted of anything? Was there ever a trial? We don't think so, but we haven't really been trailing Amy and Blakey too closely lately, mostly because of the smell. But we are happy to learn that England's jail system seems to work pretty much the same as ours in the U.S.: Amy Winehouse topless photos are less valuable than tobacco, which is less valuable than heroin. Sounds about right.

• Demikini. Bidemi? Moorekini. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)

• Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)

• Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)

• A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)

• Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)

• Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)

• Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)

Yesterday afternoon, cops raided the home of Amy Winehouse and her bottom-feeding, hat-favoring spouse, Blake Fielder-Civil. They allegedly used battering rams to get in, even! What a hilarious mental image: English bobbies in funny little hats breaking down a door and then bumbling about, saying, "Sorry. Sorry. Teddibly sorry about the mess, luv." Our gossip Assistant D.A., FemaleFirst, has the 411:

The troubled singer - who has battled alcohol and drug addictions - was out collecting a parcel when eight plain-clothes policemen using battering rams and crowbars smashed through the front door of her Camden house at 4.45pm yesterday (08.11.07).

A distraught Amy then watched husband Blake Fielder-Civil be taken away by police over charges of a conspiracy to pervert justice through his involvement with a £200,000 plot to fix a trial. Looking tearful and confused, and hyperventilating, 24-year-old Amy cried as handcuffed Blake was led away by police: "Baby, I love you. Baby, I'll be fine. I'll be fine, baby I love you."

Blake's mother, Georgette, said: "Amy is totally distraught. She's in pieces and rang me in a panic. She's too upset to talk right now, but we all need to be together. I'm on my way to see her now."

Blake, along with his friend Michael Brown, have both been accused of brutally assaulting barman James King, and allegedly offered him £200,000 in a bid to get him to change his police statement. If 25-year-old Blake is convicted of conspiracy to pervert justice, he could receive a life sentence.

We're just as surprised as you are. There was probaly 18 tons of pure crack chilling underneath the mattress, yet the cops nail Blake on some sort of pervert charge. Well, considering this is probably the only way that we'll ever get another album out of Amy--or get her to show up for concerts and video shoots--this is probably a good thing. Unless Blake has to forfeit his jaunty chapeaux in prison. That would be a tragedy of epic proportions.

Can't a man not control his bitch with violence? Y'all are brutalizing me. Ronnie and Tammy Dobbs take a real-life form today as a mushmouthed Englishwoman and a tool in a porkpie hat. Early yesterday morning, Amy Winehouse and her unemployed husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, were not so Fielder-Civil to one another as they engaged in a hearty bout of fisticuffs. According to the Daily Mail:

Guests at the Sanderson hotel reported hearing the sound of clattering furniture and screaming coming from [Amy and Blake’s] £500-a-night suite. The fight left 23-year-old Winehouse with blood staining her pink ballet shoes and the knees of her jeans. Purple bruises could be seen on the side of her neck and her knuckles were swollen. But her 24-year-old husband appeared to have come off a lot worse with cuts and scratches on both cheeks and around his neck.

Today, Amy texted Perez Hilton that:

Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other... I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn't good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life . . . He did not and never has hurt me. He has such a hard time and he so supportive . . . He is an amazing man who saved my life again and got cut badly for his troubles . . . All he get's is horrible stories printed about him and he just keeps quiet, but this is too much.

We took a gander at the pictures of the clotted aftermath of Blake and Amy's romantic tussle, and we're inclined to believe Amy's passionate Blackberry plea. It's clear that Blake was simply trying to slap that preposterous eye makeup off Amy's lids, and Amy, similarly, was using her fingernails with some force to finally wrench that douchetacular Euroscarf from around her husband's neck. In the next few weeks, expect plenty of lash marks and festering head wounds as Blake succeeds in tearing that braided leather belt from Amy, as she liberates him from his scoop-neck tank tops. The battle against poor fashion and grooming can be a brutal one, and we commend the Winehouse-Fielder-Civils for their obvious commitment to each other's appearances.

You may not be able to tell the difference between the chapeaued men who stick their withered British dicks inside Kate Moss and Amy Winehouse, but Cokate definitely notices the distinction. When Kate encountered Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil (whom we're convinced lifted his very English name straight from an Evelyn Waugh novel and is actually an opportunistic grifter from central Ohio), at the Isle of Wight music festival over the weekend, she was none too pleased. Relays Celebrity Warship:

Still celebrating her blinding set on Saturday, Amy and her new hubby yesterday headed for the VIP Rolling Stones backstage area.

But after working his way through a rider of 24 bottles of champagne, Blake was feeling lairy and jumped on Kate at the bar.

The model, at the event with Pete Doherty, reacted violently as Blake tried to put an arm round her. An onlooker said: “Kate went mental. Blake asked where her boyfriend was and she sneered ‘Gone for a piss, you fucking queer.’

“Kate shouted to her security guard, ‘Get him out the way’, and he was thrown out.”

We're surprised that Kate didn't see Blake's approaching fedora and greet him with a "Hey, baby" and a hearty face licking. We mean, look at the guy:



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