CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.

filed under: Beyoncé Knowles

May 21, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Still Big

jessica_simpson_bikini_boob_touch.jpgJessica Simpson gives herself a breast exam. "Are they still big? Yep. Yep. Still big." (Egotastic)

• Hey, ladies. Hold on to your panties and your cocktails, because Kiefer Sutherland is single! (Derek Hail)

• Tina Turner says that Beyoncé will never be rock n' roll. Oh yeah? Well guess what, Tina? You'll never be polka! Eat that! (Female First)

Shania Twain has learned an important lesson: don't marry a straw-haired producer of bombastic rock music and live in seclusion in Europe lest straw-haired producer runs off with the manager of your Swiss chateau. Oh, that's a story as old as the hills. When will they ever learn? (Hollywire)

• Every part of Kristen Bell is adorable. Up to and including her wee booty. (The Blemish)

The Hills's Whitney Port becomes Titney Port when she slipples nipple. (Drunken Stepfather)

• And speaking of Hills douches, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get fingered. (Allie Is Wired)

• Ten Toys that Made You Gay. (Cityrag)

Joss Stone explores another girl's dental work. With her tongue. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Gossip Girl's Blake Lively cavorts on beach with Penn Badgley. And one of them is wearing a bikini, but we won't spoil it and tell you which! (F-Listed)

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May 06, 2008

Jay-Z, Mariah Carey Prepare for the Inevitable

bayonce jay-z and a huge man.jpg When your worldly assets amount to about $87, a cupboard full of Rice-a-Roni, and some broken IKEA furniture, it's hard to understand the need for a pre-nup, but celebrities aren't like us; the poorer of the pair (read: still richer than you'll ever dream of being) usually gets a pretty sweet salary from the deal. After all, it is business. It was rumored last week that Mariah Carey's hasty marriage didn't include the all-important monetary contracts, but FOX News thinks differently:
Miss Mariah and Mr. Cannon have a very nice prenuptial agreement.

Mariah apparently told a mutual pal of ours: "Anyone who thinks we didn't have a prenup is smoking something!"

This is not the Mariah Carey of old. She is a smart, smart businesswoman. For example: Post-Tommy Mottola, Carey nabbed $50 million from her short-lived deal with Virgin Records. After "Glitter," they just paid her all that to walk away!

She’s had three hit albums since then: "Charmbracelet," "Emancipation of Mimi" and the current "E=MC2." She has her own perfume line, as well. Mariah also has substantial real estate holdings, and let’s not forget the publishing royalties. Her name is on every song. This is not Whitney. She has a small fortune, and she’s not about to lose it, even in love.
You're probably thinking, "Of course they have a pre-nup. She's loaded and he's only a misstep or two away from starring in Safe Auto commercials for the rest of his career. What happens when both parties have mountains and mountains of money, like Jay-Z and Beyonce?" Lucky for you, The National Enquirer can answer that (via Celebitchy):
“The prenup calls for Jay-Z to pay Beyonce $10 million if the marriage ends after two years, and $1 million dollars a year for each further year she remains in the marriage, up to 15 years,” revealed a source familiar with the deal.

“If they do split, he’s promised to pony up $10 million to buy her a home.

“He’s promised to pay her an additional $5 million for each child she bears him - for her ‘loss of income’ during the pregnancy and child-rearing years.”
$5 mil for each baby? That's a pretty sweet deal. We wonder if there's any sort of twin clause in the pre-nup. Maybe twins are like a triple-word score and she'd net $15 mil for the set. Twins are the newest Hollywood trend, and that Hova likes to be on top of the latest fads.
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May 01, 2008

B to the Izz-A B to the Izz-Y

jay-z and beyonce banana skirt.jpg We know that people have babies. The reason life continues is because penises are inserted into vaginas and then big masses of tissue and organs and skin and hair and fingernails called babies come out of said vaginas. This is how the world works. But can celebrities please take a break from the baby making for like three months? We're dying for a new trend, like elephant adoptions. Sure, they're expensive to feed and difficult to house (see Stampy Simpson), but celebrities are rich and need not worry about trivialities. So please let Beyonce be the last knocked-up famous lady to cross our path until fall. According to Hollyscoop:
Looks like the celebrity baby boom that started last year is far from over. Move over Angelina and Ashlee because Beyonce Knowles is going to be adding her name onto the celebrity mommy list.

Hollyscoop has learned exclusively through multiple sources that Beyonce is expecting. A source close to the couple revealed, "Beyonce is 100% pregnant, which is why the couple rushed their wedding." The source also told Hollyscoop that all the friends and family that attended the ultra private wedding were all aware that Beyonce was already expecting.

Our source added that Beyonce is in her early stages, but don’t expect this star to come out with a confirmation statement anytime soon. The couple is pretty private about their personal lives--they still haven't even confirmed their wedding. But the source confirmed that she is expecting and they rushed the wedding due to Beyonce's strong Christian beliefs.
We love when celebrities have so-called "strong Christian beliefs" that allow them to have tons of premarital sex, but as soon as a baby's a-coming it's matrimony time. Bastard or no, they're still going to Hell, right? They might as well start committing some other sins. We suggest Beyonce start with dishonoring her mother by finally standing up and yelling: "House of Dereon clothes are ass ugly! I'm wearing Prada from now on!" more »
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April 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Pregnant. Pregnant in Bikini. Not Pregnant in Bikini.

beyonceisbananas.jpgBeyonce still not talking on the wedding rumors, but is she also gestating Hova Jr.? (Celebitchy)

Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Also pregnant and half naked? Tori Spelling in a bikini. (Derek Hail)

Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (F-listed)

• Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (Cityrag)

Rob Lowe's former employees made whoopie in his bed! (The Blemish)

• Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (Daily Stab)

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis to finally tie the knot. Hopefully she can get on his dental plan now. (PopCrunch)

• Move over, crabs in Paris Hilton's pubes! Hilary Duff has a scorpion in her pants! Beat that! (Evil Beet)

• Is Maria Sharapova lobbing it into Camilla Belle? Oh, the intrigue! (Fatback)

Toni Braxton is in the hospital. Unbreak her busted heart sac. (Allie Is Wired)

Naomi Campbell got banned. Banned like 2 Live Crew. Banned like slap bracelets in 1994. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

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April 02, 2008

Beyoncé Takes a Fiancé

jay-z and beyonce testify.jpg Beyoncé: "Jigga, I'm sick of this little Rihanna stealing all my thunder. I know I haven't had an album out in a while, but that shouldn't stop the entire world from worshiping me every single second of every day. Do they see the booty? Does Rihanna have this booty? I don't think so. All she's got is some trendy ass haircut and a teensy little sliver of nipple. I've got the booty! I have told them all a million times that I am bootylicious, but still they pay more attention to HER. I don't know what to do, Hova. Ooh, I know. Let's get married. Magazines love weddings. And then let's adopt some babies. They love babies too. That'll show her." Or, in the words of People:
Beyoncé Knowles and longtime beau Jay-Z have taken out a marriage license in Scarsdale, N.Y., PEOPLE has learned.

According to a source, the pair obtained a license Tuesday morning. The document is valid for 60 days.

A rep for Beyoncé told PEOPLE, "No comment." Jay-Z's spokesperson could not be reached.

Beyoncé, 26, and Jay-Z, 38, have been dating since 2002, though the couple have stood reluctant to discuss their relationship publicly. Rumors about their romance began circulating after the singer appeared on Jay-Z's song "'03 Bonnie & Clyde," followed by collaborations on Beyoncé's solo hit "Crazy in Love," in 2003.

While the two have remained tight-lipped about the state of their romance, by no means has Beyoncé brushed off talk of marriage. In December 2006, the singer told InStyle, "You can't rush a man into anything – whether it's a relationship, marriage or having children."

Earlier that month the pair were besieged by rumors that they were all set to get hitched in the Caribbean – a rumor that was quickly scotched by their reps.
We're not sure what we're more sick of hearing about, Jay-Z's retirement that's never going to happen or Jay-Z and Beyoncé's wedding that's never going to happen. It's pretty much a toss up. You know what we're not sick of, though? Beyoncé's ass. That thing is still H to the izz-O, T to the izz-T. more »
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December 10, 2007

One Slip Beyonce!

beyoncepooncover.jpgI don't think you're ready for this jelly. And by "jelly", we mean "jam". And by "jam" we mean "fruit preserves". And by "fruit preserves" we mean "Beyoncé's vagina lips". Click for more. more »
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November 21, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "I Just Crave Nicotine Sometimes"

hayden-panettiere-bikini-mens-vogue.jpgHayden Panettiere continues to blaze a flouncy, lace-trimmed trail straight to Saucytown. (Egotastic!)

Amy Winehouse celebrates Christmas early by hanging sparkling white ornaments amongst the branches of her nose hair. (Yeeeah!)

• Hey, look! It's Beyonkadonkcé. (Derek Hail)

Vanessa Minnillo's bikini bottoms are intelligent, as they wisely creep up her cheek cleave and allow us to rejoice. Huzzah! (Drunken Stepfather)

• When Perry Met Sally. (Celebitchy)

Dennis Quaid's newborn twins get a leg up on all the other celebrity babies by ODing. That was mean, sorry. (The Blemish)

• Headline of the day: "Nicole Richie's Pooch Pee Plea". (Female First)

• British model/reality star Sophie Anderton will charge you $20K to allow you to snort cocaine off her bewbs and then make the love with her. (Fatback and Collards)

Ashlee Simpson has secrets. Smoky, smoky secrets. (Allie Is Wired)

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September 10, 2007

2007 VMAs = Very Mundane Awards

beyonce gold dress glittery.jpg So the VMAs were last night. And in between stifled yawns and many, many glasses of Arbor Mist (it's like juice--but with booze!), we made a few observations. First, Beyoncé's boobs are really jiggly. Sarah Silverman is still not funny just because she's mean (AND she has now made us feel sympathy for Paris Hilton TWICE, and for that she must pay). We are old and completely out of touch and have no idea who this Chris Brown fellow is, but boy can dance (though he can't lip sync worth a damn). Kid Rock and Tommy Lee need to chill the fuck out; we're sure Pammy would still screw them both so there's no need to fight over who gets the privilege. Some people were walking around with little silver statues, but we're not sure why; maybe they were cool new accessories, like Kanye West's sunglasses. Dr. Dre looked like he shopped for his awards-show duds in the closet of either Hans or Franz. Rihanna's dress was really, really tight and her hair was inexplicably awesome. rihanna pink dress vmas.jpg
Paris Hilton's dress was really, really tight and her hair was explicably horrendous--but still a lovely tribute to Florence Henderson.
paris hilton leopard dress vmas.jpg
The part of Jennifer Garner was filled by her Madame Tussaud's wax figure--and had really awful hair.
jennifer garner vmas.jpg
And we feel like there was something else we were going to mention. God. What was it? There is nothing left in our head concerning last night's awards ceremony. Did something else happen? We just can't remember.
more »
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August 22, 2007

Boobyoncé Flashes on Stage

beyonce neck twist.jpg It may have taken her months and months to come to this realization, but Beyoncé has finally figured out how to sell her ass ugly House of Dereon stripper clothes: show how conducive they are to major wardrobe malfunctions and hope that desperate guys start buying up the entire line and gifting every hot girl they see on the street. We thought this was pretty much a failsafe plan, but then we actually looked at the clothes. And unless those things are laced with a super powerful pheromone that's proven to attract gorgeous millionaire sex gods who love to buy their ladies flowers and rub their feet, ain't no girl wearing 'em. Except Beyoncé. And her exposed boobies. Which you can see below thanks to MediaTakeOut and their helpful use of slow motion. Although we're pretty sure that if you can make out anything more than bouncing, generic flesh surrounded by pixelated boxes of blurry, washed-out beige, you should put your talents to use with a high-paying job with the CIA spotting camouflaged snipers hidden in trees a thousand feet away.
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July 25, 2007

Beyoncé Fall Down Go Boom

beyoncemeduse.jpgIt was bound to happen. Beyoncé finally learns the limits of equilibrium vs. taking it one weave-flagellation over the line.


UPDATE: well, crap. The video's been removed from YouTube due to "copyright infringement". Can you copyright a cruddy cameraphone video? Anyway, you shoulda seen it. It was real funny.
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July 11, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Here Comes Trouble

emma_watson_panties.JPG• Jumping on the Harry Potter fever bandwagon! Emma Watson holds up a pair of panties that state exactly what comes out of the wearer's anus. Helpful! (the Blemish)

Nicole Richie's drunk driving trial has been postponed. D.A's office spokeswoman Jane Robison says, "The trial will not happen on Wednesday. Richie's attorney filed a motion... stating that their key witness, a drug expert, was unavailable for trial." The key witness is actually her fetus and will not be available for trial for six more months, when it will emerge from Nicole's tiny womb and state, "Ohhh yeah, THAT night. I was shit-wasted! Duuuude!" (IMDb/WENN)

Courtney Love gets a new man, and her fourteenth new face. (ONTD)

Beyonce Knowles, aka RoboHo, slipped some RoboHootage. (Cityrag)

Sophia Bush in short shorts. That's right, friends. BUSH IN SHORT SHORTS. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. (Egotastic!)

Denise Richards, arguably one of the world's most desirable women, has been forced to try a dating service. Meanwhile, her ex-husband, he of the drug-taking and hooker-fucking and "I hope you fucking die, bitch"-ing, is blissfully engaged! (Socialite's Life)

Toni Collette's nonstop portrayal of pregnant ladies has permeated her real life. (Glitterati Gossip)

Britney is headed for another breakdown. She strips down to her bra, dances to her own music, flirts with married man, drinks like a fish, and, craziest of all, actually wears shoes into a public restroom! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Tennis pro Venus Williams serves up some nip. Oh ho, that's rich! (Taxi Driver)

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June 19, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: "Shahara! Shahara."

voight_jolie.jpg• Today's "Inseminated or Ugly Dress?" contestant: Katie Holmes. (Celebrity Mound)

Angelina Jolie is planning on burying the hatchet with dad Jon Voight. Maybe now, he'll finally learn Zahara's name. (FemaleFirst)

Maria Menounos nearly bares her two-nos. (Taxi Driver)

Lindy Loho has cancelled her 21rst birthday blowout. Instead, she'll celebrate by chugging Listerine in the Wonderland bathroom. Aw, that was mean. Sorry, Linds. (Celebitchy)

Beyoncekini! Beyoncekini! (Cityrag)

Jessica Alba poses sexily for Arena; still talking about how she hates being sexy. (Derek Hail)

• Yes, random stripper, we totally believe that you had a deep and meaningful love affair with George Clooney. (Allie Is Wired)

Jessica Simpson: back to blonde and Pam Andersonesque proportions. Let us celebrate. (Egotastic!)
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June 05, 2007

Beyoncé to Make Jay-Z Her Lawfully Wedded Hova

beyonce_jayz_engaged.jpgJay-Z and his girlfriend, Bed Bath and Beyoncé, are reportedly engaged! Even though they were reportedly engaged before. This time, they mean business! Jay-Z allegedly proposed during a trip to Cannes. The Blemish quotes Beyoncé as saying:
“I want to get married and really want a family - in a perfect world I’d have two boys and a girl. You know someone loves you by the way he treats you and respects you. Me and Jay respect each other.”
And our gossip life coach, Female First, writes:
Sources say Jay-Z promised Beyonce "the biggest diamond she can fit on her finger". [Another] source said: "This will be the hip-hop wedding to end all hip-hop weddings."
Let's not go nuts here. We're fairly certain nothing could top the grandiose display of pimps vs. maids crunktaculous, snapdancing, Henny-swilling that was the Spears-Federline nuptials. more »
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May 31, 2007

Beyoncé Challenges Our Preconceived Upskirt Notions

bee1.jpgCan we get philosophical with you for a minute? OK, so is it technically considered an upskirt shot IF the outfit consists of some sort of obvious costumery including Spanx-like underpants what match the outfit? And said costume is meant to be worn during a performance that will certainly include all manner of gyrating, undulation, and shimmying, surely leading to a flash of the performer's regions beneath? It's kind of like the idea of "malice aforethought". Or in this case, "phallus aforethought", because that's some seriously substantial vulva Beyoncé's got compacted down into her shiny panties. After the cut. more »
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February 15, 2007

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Gets Bootylicious

cover.jpgWith February comes snow, suicidal ideation, and heart-shaped Sarris candy samplers purchased at 75% off for consumption in front of the Discovery Health channel. Oh, and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Like a seal at the zoo awaiting a pail full of succulent, ripe fishes, we anticipate the young, ripe, airbrushed fillies wearing spandex next to their downy chumblies in the sand. And this year, what do we get? We got dumb old crusty old Beyoncé, for the love of all that is good and holy. Listen, everyone loves the SI swimsuit issue because it's one of the only times we don't have to open wide to get a fat spoonful of [overexposed celebrity here] crammed down our collective gullet. But no, America's premiere sports magazine has fallen under the spell of DREAMGIRLS MANIA! Can't wait to see Jennifer Hudson rendered in watercolors on the cover of Cooks Illustrated and Jamie Foxx gracing Bride.

If you'd like to see what lies under Beyoncé, you can see billions of Brazilian models from the issue's shoot here. But you might want to save it for later, when you're safely at home, so you don't run the risk of cracking a rod when the page loads. Just how sexy is the issue? Two words: Kenny Chesney. Two more words: Jimmy Buffett. more »
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December 05, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Chokin' 9 to 5

• Rip Torn got ripped. And then he drove. And then he got arrested. And became the subject of the foxiest mug shot since Nick Nolte's.

Sophie Marceau showing nipples is much more interesting than Marcel Marceau . . . miming . . . nipples. Or something.

Scarlett Johansson is not opposed to doing nudity. What a coincidence! We are also not opposed to Scarlett Johansson doing nudity.

Jessica Simpson choked on the words to "9 to 5" during the Kennedy Center Honors. Afterwards, Violet, Judy, and Doralee got back at her by replacing her Skinny and Sweet with rat poison.

• Even unapologetic porn stars don't want to be associated with K-Fed's dong.

• Will Beyoncé become Mrs. J-Hova next weekend?

Pete Doherty, drugs, court, etc. Move to England! The streets are paved with scag and syringes and the people all drink tea laced with ecstasy and even if you get arrested, the powderedly bewigged court dudes just give you a hug and bullet of coke and send you on your way.

Jennifer Garner's body fucking sucks.

• Once again, PageSix spins the labyrinthine web of confusion that is their truly inpenetrable blind items. Who can it beeee now?
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November 14, 2006

Eva Will Not Tip Beyoncé's Velvet

The other day you all gathered around with carpet squares and juice boxes, and in hushed, reverent tones, we told you the tale of Beyoncé and Eva Longoria preparing to star in a film in which they would bump donuts. But Eva now tells us that it's lies, all lies. Filthy lies. Dirty lies. Dirty, delicious, tasty, perfumed, lacy little lies. Soft and supple, taut and firm lies. Lies tinged with the sweet, lusty sweat of mingled feminine liquids. Tangy lies. Fleshy lies. more »
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November 10, 2006

Licking the Velvet with Beyoncé and Eva Longoria

Which actresses would you must like to see clam jousting on the big screen? Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba? Angelina Jolie and Lindsay Lohan? What if we offered you a two-for-one taco night with Beyoncé and Eva Longoria? Yeah, we didn't think there'd be any objections. more »
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October 02, 2006

Senior Yearbook Superlatives, Hollywood Edition

Scarlett Johansson has been named Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive". Jessica Alba nabbed the title of "Most Kissable" by readers of The Sun. And Beyoncé's buns are wearing a little crown today, as they've been deemed "Best Booty" by the discerning readers of In Touch Weekly. Which begs the question: who possesses the sexiest and most kissable ass? Did we just blow your mind? more »
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August 30, 2006

Beyoncé's Boob Goes Beyond the Boundaries of her Bodice

Beyoncé Knowles recently attended a launch party for a book called Effortless Style. Beyoncé, or "B", as she is affectionately known to those of us in her close inner circle of friends, put quite a bit of effort into her style that night, sporting a face full of makeup, a dress with a plunging neckline showing lots of decolletage, and some double-stick tape on her jugs. It appears that she purchased said tit tape at Dollar Daze in the strip mall down by Route 19 however, and all that "effort" was for naught. more »
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August 23, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Mauled by Rap Community, Embraced by Crap Community

Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?
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March 03, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Two Aspirins on an Ironing Board

Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.

Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!

• Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Portman nippage is forever newsworthy, do you not agree?

• Person you've never heard of likens Keira Knightley's torso to "two aspirins on an ironing board". We love the English! That almost beats Noel Gallagher's "Zorro on doughnuts" simile of yore. Almost.

• Said aspirin are in talks to hawk warpaint for Chanel.

• Does Tom Hanks make Fergie look more feminine, or is it the other way around?

Dreamgirls producers are terrified that Beyonce's ass will bust through costumes, Kool-Aid Man style. Ohhhh yeaaaaah!
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