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filed under: Avril Lavigne
November 24, 2008
Paris Hilton Finds a New Victim Friend
Paris Hilton has a very short attention span. While she tried to overcome this fault by getting faux punk cooties from Benji Madden, a girl's got to roam. Roam right into the ooey, gooey, cheesy arms of Stamos Nachos. And now that Paris is free to party as she pleases, she's taken another young blonde pop tart into her metaphorical vaginal folds for some much needed guidance. Guidance that will likely include gems like "Panties are for prudes" and "Don't sleep with that guy; he has crabs (itches crotch)." We think it's highly unlikely that Avril Lavigne will repeat Britney's Cooter Fest '06, even if she has split from her Canuck mall punk husband, but who knows. Maybe Avril's carefully orchestrated "Fuck all you norms, I'm an individual" attitude paired with Paris's powers of coercion and love of wide open beavers will collide into a nice repeat performance. But Avril will have to try really, really hard if she wants to upstage Britney. Maybe some exposed anus would do the trick. Or maybe a not-quite-developed set of cock and balls. more »
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August 26, 2008
Today Is the Greatest Day She's Ever Known
We know that Canadians are a bit behind the times, fashion-wise, but this is ridiculous. The Doc Martens? The wallet chain? The Manic Panic stripe in her hair? My God, Avril Lavigne thinks it's 1993! We bet she's rocking a Walkman with a sweet mix of Smashing Pumpkins, The Breeders, Dinosaur Jr., and Porno for Pyros. We just got around to the Hypercolor revival; shouldn't alterna-grunge still be a few years off? more »
April 15, 2008
Avril Lavigne's Husband Earns Keep with Hearty Public Breast Massage
Here we see Avril Lavigne picnicking in the park with her trusty gnome, Nibbles. Not only does Nibbles cobble shoes, make mischief in a glen, and play in the Canadian pop-punk band Sum 41, he is also employed to keep his mistress Avril happy and relaxed. He does this through the art of gnome massage, doffing his traditional gnome dress of pointed hat and curled-toe shoes in order to better rub his hands all over Avril's boobs. Later, he moves the massage therapy to her butt and buries his pugilistic gnome nose into her bosom. Ah, a tender moment between a girl and her gnome. Not pictured but implied: gnome-to-human sex amongst the toadstools.
more »
January 30, 2008
Avril Lavigne's T8r Tots in a Bikini
Huh. It doesn't look like Avril Lavigne is too terribly pregnant here. It does, however, look like she's smuggling some surprisingly globular and impressively sizeable blammos inside that bikini of hers. And the paint-on hair streaks that perfectly match the swimwear? Genius. Simply genius. Giant breasts, pink hair stripes, scanty togs. Cut off Avril's nose and make her head swell a little and it's like you're watching the Bratz movie. Taking an attractive, famous, barely-clad young lady and turning it around to talk about toys for prepubescent girls. That's why they call us "The Sexymaker". Actually, they call us "Chief Drinks-Own-Urine" but that's more of a formal title. You know, for meetings with heads of state and such and such.
There are even more Avrilkini pics at Egotastic!
more »
January 10, 2008
Magical Preg Juice Spreads from Hollywood to Canada
According to celebrity Canadian blog (there are Canadian celebrities? Besides Rick Moranis, we mean) Is This Happening, ill-tempered Canuck singer Avril Lavigne is expecting a little sk8r boi or grrl:
Wow!! Must be that time of the year for babies!! Isthishappening.com has learned exclusively that Canadian singer, Avril Lavigne is pregnant!! You heard it here first folks!! Our insider reports that Avril is a month and a half pregnant and that her husband, Deryck Whibley has been telling all his friends that he's excited to be a father...Excellent. Since Christina Aguilera is due to give birth to a half human/half monkey man hybrid shortly, her offspring will be in dire need of a half human-half troll man playmate. They can live together under a bridge and wait for the Billy Goats Gruff to trip-trap overhead, then they will eat bananas and climb to the top of the Empire State Building.
October 29, 2007
Halloween Hooker Wrap-Up: A Bunch of Tricks
Paris went for the natural look for Halloween. I.e., she's in her natural state. I.e. coated in white seamen.After the cut, eyeball more Paris and other celebrity "slutty _____" costumes! more »
May 16, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Wonderjocks
• If a Denise Richards and Richie Sambora break up in the woods and no one is there to care, do they make a sound? (TMZ)• Avril Lavigne, topless. He was a sk8tr b0i, I said see my taters, boy. (Yeeeah!)
• Mary Kate Olsen slips rib. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Justin Timberlake flew Jessica Biel and her first-class ass to England for tea and beans on toast. No, for canoodling. Canoodling. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Ewan MacGregor wears junk-enhancing briefs. Are they 18 hour? Do they lift and separate? (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Teri Hatcher has leopard-spotted pubic hair! Or underwear, whatever. (Taxi Driver)
• Is Vanessa Minnillo humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool? Because it really looks like Vanessa Minnillo is humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool. (Derek Hail)
• Britney Spears hates her mom and did not call her or visit her on Mother's Day, when said mom was in the hospital with pneumonia. Then she tear-gassed an orphanage and crapped on a veteran's memorial. (Glosslip)
• David Faustino got busted for weed possession for the most convenient headline ever. (Celebitchy)
October 27, 2006
P4nti Grrl
After a recent, boozulous night out, Avril Lavigne could be found in the back of her car, furiously texting:
C MY UND-E'S
Well, yes. more »
C MY UND-E'S
Well, yes. more »
October 03, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Drop Knowledge, Not Bombs
• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.
• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.
• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".
• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.
• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.
• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.
• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!
• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.
• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".
• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.
• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.
• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.
• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!
July 17, 2006
I Now Pronounce You Man and Teeth--I Mean Wife
Hi bois and grrrls. I don't know if you heard, but I got married this weekend. Yea me! That means I'm totally not a little girl anymore. Everyone has to treat me like an old married lady. But I still wanted to look young and fresh and pretty for my big day, so I borrowed these teeth from Hilary Duff. I hope you like them.
Kisses,
Avril more »
February 22, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Stay Golden, Betty
• A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.
• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.
• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!
• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!
• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.
• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.
• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.
• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.
• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!
• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.
• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!
• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!
• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.
• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.
• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.
• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.
• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!
January 25, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Tarred and Feathered
• Actor Chris Penn found dead in Santa Monica. Goodnight, Willard, may you dance around tractors in heaven. Let's hear it for the boy.
• Oh baby, Keith! Keith's got what Kidman neee-eeeeds! But she say he's just a friend! She she say he's just a friend!
• Promo pics of an old but still trampy Sharon Stone from the upcoming Basic Instinct 2. No, she's not showing her 'tang.
• Unlike George Bush, Pam Anderson's ass cares about black people.
• Paris Hilton knows that the most flattering accessory for any modern girl's nip slip is a pair of kicky handcuffs. Sassy!
• Headline of the century.
• Avril Lavigne grows up, loses tie and armwarmers, looks purdy.
• If the Pavarotti deign to snap pictures of Russell Crowe's preggo wife, they will be "tarred and feathered." Which is a step up from "phoned and phoned."
• Oh baby, Keith! Keith's got what Kidman neee-eeeeds! But she say he's just a friend! She she say he's just a friend!
• Promo pics of an old but still trampy Sharon Stone from the upcoming Basic Instinct 2. No, she's not showing her 'tang.
• Unlike George Bush, Pam Anderson's ass cares about black people.
• Paris Hilton knows that the most flattering accessory for any modern girl's nip slip is a pair of kicky handcuffs. Sassy!
• Headline of the century.
• Avril Lavigne grows up, loses tie and armwarmers, looks purdy.
• If the Pavarotti deign to snap pictures of Russell Crowe's preggo wife, they will be "tarred and feathered." Which is a step up from "phoned and phoned."
June 28, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Speeding Tickets and Sk8r Bois
• American Idol also-ran and possible Paula-porker Corey Clark wields salisbury steak and curly fries like they wuz deadly weapons. Straight up!
• Awwww. Look at the cute gay midget. It thinks it's butch.
• Jen Aniston's not a playa; she just hugs a lot.
• The charming Nicole Richie gives Paris a run for her money in the paid partygoer department; tragically misplaces her breasts in the process.
• Victoria Silvstedt continues sex-drenched vacation, loses li'l Napoleon consort, shows off surgeon's work.
• We could've sworn we'd heard that Avril Lavigne and that one dude from that one band were engaged months ago, but they really are now, for real this time.
• Erstwhile Erkel-esque "comedian" Chris Tucker gets pulled over for speeding; makes us laugh for the first time ever!
• Awwww. Look at the cute gay midget. It thinks it's butch.
• Jen Aniston's not a playa; she just hugs a lot.
• The charming Nicole Richie gives Paris a run for her money in the paid partygoer department; tragically misplaces her breasts in the process.
• Victoria Silvstedt continues sex-drenched vacation, loses li'l Napoleon consort, shows off surgeon's work.
• We could've sworn we'd heard that Avril Lavigne and that one dude from that one band were engaged months ago, but they really are now, for real this time.
• Erstwhile Erkel-esque "comedian" Chris Tucker gets pulled over for speeding; makes us laugh for the first time ever!
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