filed under: Ashley Olsen

Did you forget that Lindsay Lohan is supposedly a lesbian? Yeah, we did too. It's kind of like the last time Julia Roberts was pregnant, we forgot until the kid was crowning, only this time our memory will only really, permanently be jogged when we see Linds with her tongue exploring another lady's infant chute. We don't think we'd soon forget that image. But apparently we're not the only one who needs reminding that Lindsay likes to dine on DJ Sam's clam, as Page Six reports:

Lindsay Lohan gets feisty when it comes to gal pal Sam Ronson. The two spent the weekend partying at the Beatrice Inn on Friday and Hawaiian Tropic Zone on Saturday, where Ronson was spinning, but Lohan didn't like all the attention Ronson was getting. "Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' " said our spy. Saturday, Lohan said Ronson "was ignoring her" and became upset. "Samantha was really focused on her work and didn't leave the booth for anything," said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she's even created a Facebook profile under "Lindsay Ronson."

We don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but Ashley Olsen is actually about two and half weeks OLDER than Lindsay, so suck on that, Lindy Loho. Who's laughing now, huh? Is it you, little itty bitty baby, or is it your older, wiser, trollier nemesis? We're thinking it's Ashley. She did make about elevnty billion dollars when she was like four and never has to work again if she doesn't want to, while Lindsay will soon enough be begging for a part in Femalien III: Femalien Meets Shemalien.

Oh, and surprise, surprise, Linds has welcomed a dear old friend back into her bosom. A dear old friend named vodka. more »

• Ashley Olsen thinks paparazzi are "weird and scary". Also, paparazzi thinks Ashley Olsen is "weird and scary". (Female First)

• Kate Beckinsale does Anna Karina for Mean magazine. Eat your tits out, Lohan-as-Marilyn! (Popbytes)

• Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (Egotastic!)

• Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (Taxi Driver)

• Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Some yahoo called 911 on Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself. Denise Richards, you prankster. (CelebWarship)

• Heath Ledger never updated his will to include Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (Celebridiot)

• Button, button, who's got the button? Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (Drunken Stepfather)

• Jenna Jameson dresses up as Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (The Blemish)

• Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (I'm Not Obsessed)

• Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (Popoholic)

Ah, Show and Tell. That landmark moment in kindergarten history that allows five-year-olds to attempt to outdo one another by dangling parent-bought trinkets in their classmates' faces. He who has the best Elmo wins, and the grand champion blue ribbon awesomest #1 winner of the Show and Tell race has got to be the young daughter of one-balled bike guy Lance Armstrong, who recently brought her dad's inamorata, Ashley Olsen, to school with her. Says Radar Online:

One of the part-eunuch biker's young daughters (he has twins) had the honor of taking a more realistic (though slightly less boobtastic) Barbie to her class for observation. Yes, daddy's lady love Ashley Olsen was recently shown and told about at the young girl's Texas school. "Celebrities do this all the time," the source said.

We can only imagine what kind of questions these adorable little moppets asked the one-time Full House star. She most likely had to go through her entire repertoire of tricks, impishly shouting "You got it, dude!" and "I'm sowwy, Uncle Jesse" before answering things like "Why do you brush your hair with a shoe?" and "You look like the man who lives under the underpass near my grandma's house" and "how come the roll-on body glitter from your makeup line turned my face into one big hive?"

Today we're going to play a little game. Take two seemingly single celebrities who have very little in common other than a love of shiny, shiny hair or blow or whatever and pretend that they're dating. We'll make up stories about where they went to dinner, which club they "canoodled" at, and there will be an anonymous tipster who saw them making out all night. Just call us Page Six. Couple number one will be Jennifer Aniston and Bobby Brown. They'll dine at Mr. Chow (Jen will pick up the check, obviously) then head over to Winston's to table dance with Britney Spears. Couple number two will be Joaquin Phoenix and Lauren Conrad. They'll dine at The Ivy and then just say fuck it and make out on a bus bench on Sunset. If we added super juicy quotes about how each couple was "so into each other" they "couldn't take their eyes off each other" and she was "sitting on his lap stroking his hair all night" would you believe it? What if we changed our logo to read New York Daily News and told you it wasn't actually these pairings who were seen on dates but rather Ashely Olsen and Lance Armstrong and Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson? Yeah, you probably still wouldn't believe us. more »

• Prince approached Penelope Cruz and sang a song just for her. Next week, we will see her in purple lingerie and a spiral perm, fronting the Penelope 6. (Celebrity Mound)

• Britney backed out of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour after she found out that "performing" meant "actually singing". "I cain't do that, y'all!" (A Socialite's Life)

• Like Paris, we love TMZ. Because not only do they post a picture of the reunited Spice Girls, they include a poll asking you to pick the ugliest. Yay! (TMZ)

• Paris Hilton told Larry King that she's never, ever done drugs. Because weed is a vegetable. (Evil Beet)

• Hayden Panettiere. She acts, she sings, she licks stuff. (Derek Hail)

• George Michael refuses to have an HIV test. That is careless, much like his whispers of yore. (RTE)

• When it comes to celebrities having large bags of silicon-oxygen polymers surgically placed inside their chest cavities, only one can be the victor and bring home the "shittiest implants title". (Cityrag)

• Megan Fox continues her unstoppable run of lookin'-over-my-shoulder-hey-check-out-my-wikkid-tatz red carpet posery. (Popoholic)

• Cops + racial statements = hijinks. No, not Mel Gibson . . . Vivica A. Fox! Speaking of terrible breast implants. (TMZ again)

• MK and Ashley Olsen are at loggerheads over Mary-Kate's mean boyfriend, Max Snow, who Ashley says puts down and mistreats her sister. MK says he often gets nasty, but it always blows over. Snow . . . blow . . . yeah. (FemaleFirst)

• Paula Abdul has a new contorted face! Look into her stretched eyes! Oh oh! She's been tellin' lies! (Yeeeah!)

• Larry Birkhead thinks Dannielynn has her mom's pouty lips, long legs and chubby toes. Jury's out on who she takes after in the implant and veneer department, though. (I'm Not Obsessed)

• Britney stormed out of a photo shoot in a huff, never to return. Turns out they only had honey BBQ pretzel bites, not the buffalo ranch. (Daily Stab)

• German magician attempts to make Pam Anderson's breast ooze its way out of her bathing suit. (Hollywood Tuna)

• You know David Hasselhoff's ex-wife must be insanely f'ed up, because he got sole custody of the kids. Yaaaay, it's cheeseburger night! (Star Herpes)

• An odd fashion choice, even for Ashley Olsen. Perhaps she has joined a harem and is planning on seducing the sheik with her mysterious, semi-sheer, snakelike undulations. (Drunken Stepfather)

• How Jessica Simpson lost the baby Mayer weight. (IMDb.com)

• Here are some surprisingly hot pictures of Lindsay Lohan taken by Bryan Adams. Because when you want to sex up your image, where else to turn than a pockmarked Canadian adult contemporary artist? It makes perfect sense. (Egotastic!)

Ursula Andress. Halle Berry. Eva Green. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen? Of all the bobbleheaded, underfed, couture-ragged starlets haunting Robertson Blvd. MK and Ash are probably the last we would have pegged to be the next Bond girl. But Celebitchy relays:

Introducing the new Bond Girls: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen! One of the producers (who happens to be a female) of Daniel Craig’s next James Bond movie is very impressed with Ashley and Mary-Kate and really wants them in the 22nd 007 movie scheduled to start filming in 2008. The Olsens would be the first set of Bond twins. The producer is making the offer as appealing to the girls as possible - there will be no nudity or sex scenes. And the twins will play good girls - not villains. (ER’s Goran Visnjic is set to play a villain) The Olsens are seriously considering the offer.

No nudity or sex scenes? We're guessing that's not the least of it. The costumer will approach the twins with four tiny strips of spandex, and while Ashley stands rigid with the pout and doe eyes of a starving orphan, MK will dangle them delicately from her fingers with a look of perplexed disgust and inquire: "What are these?" "They're your costumes. Your bikinis. They're size 00." "No, no darling, we both wear a size ten. We need room for our things. Our Blackberries and our spare 'Buckies and those chihuahuas Bob Saget bought us for our last birthday. This just won't do. Add about six yards of fabric to each one and bring them back."

The Olsen twins have allegedly contacted plastic surgeon Raj Kanodia, the maestro behind Ashlee Simpson's downsized bugle, to make appointments to get their own noses shaved down. A source squealed to In Touch Weekly:

"Ashley has always thought her nose was a little too big, so she wanted to get it done. When she talked to her sister about it, she loved the idea. They both love changing their looks. They thought this would make them look more polished."

"Hey, Mary-Kate?" "Yes, Ashley?" "I think we need a new look. Let's get major elective surgery." "Great idea, sister dear! I was thinking maybe a new Balenciaga bag would change it up a bit, but having a medical professional permanently alter our faces is a much better option!" And hey, you know what else would make you two look more polished? Not dressing like bindle-toting, canned-bean-eating, nickel-carving, rail-riding hobos. Man, listen to us. We're turning into Andy Rooney.

One is an towering aging supermodel, the other is a post-tween mogul dwarf. One has a mouth the size of Kankakee, the other is, we think, mute. One of them got clam-slammed by Sylvester Stallone, the other once found herself on the business end of various sundry nonfamous rich guys. Truly, at first glance, Janice Dickinson and Ashley Olsen have very little in common. Little in common, that is, until you strip them of their famous people finery and realize that they enjoy showing people their undies. United by bra-brandishing. more »

Ashley Olsen. Mexico. Loose-fitting top. Big ol' panties. 1988 sunglasses. When you put it all together it adds up to . . . something. We're not quite sure. So just look at this picture of Ashley imitating a monkey and make up your own damn joke, you lazy sonabitch. more »