filed under: Ashlee Simpson
July 31, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Slip n' Slide

•
Marisa Miller works the runway wearing the latest in swimwear and silicone/polymer based body oil. (
F-listed)
•
Ali Lohan auditions for the director of
Bun Sisters 12. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Rihanna is easy, breezy, beautiful, unCovered Girl. In a see-through shirt. That shows nipple ring. (
The Blemish)
•
Madonna is one step away from having Waylon Flowers's hand up her ass. (
Cityrag)
• A touching, moving photo montage of
Kristen Bell in her pantaloons. (
Holy Taco)
• You can't beat
Jessica Simpson! No, seriously. Don't beat her; that's mean. (
Daily Stab)
• Superbad's
Emma Stone is supercute. (
Fatback)
•
Amanda Bynes is Nickelodeyummy in butt-stranglingly tight workout gear. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• John Mayer will be the godfather of the SimpsWentz spawn. He will teach it to land hot chicks and make the most heinous guitar faces ever. (
Allie Is Wired)
May 29, 2008
Confirmed: Pete Wentz Into Ashlee's Vagina Sans Condom

It's official. These two dildos reproduced. Awesome. Fall Out Turd
Pete Wentz wrote on his
website:
"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.
- Pete and Ashlee Wentz"
So far, this fetus's father's greatest accomplishment to date (besides being in
Racetraitor, of course) is having his
ding dong pics leaked to the internet. And its mother is known for having a nose job, lip synching on SNL, and
verbally abusing McDonald's employees. So basically we're looking at a future president of the USA or cancer-curer here.
May 19, 2008
Ashlee and Pete Slide Down the Rabbit Hole of Domestic Bliss

We'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to
Amy Winehouse! Today she and her loving husband, her Blake incarcerated, celebrate one year of wedded matrimony. Truly these are fortuitous days for nuptials, so
Ashlee Simpson and her stubby lover
Pete Wentz picked a great time to make it legal. Reports
People:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were married Saturday evening in an intimate ceremony, their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively. “We’re delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends,” said the spokesperson.
Simpson, 23, wore an ivory lace wedding gown by Monique Lhuillier accessorized with a diamond necklace and earrings by Neil Lane as she and Wentz, 28, exchanged vows in front of 150 guests at her parents’ Los Angeles area home.
Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, while sister Jessica served as maid of honor. Wentz’s English bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as actor Donald Faison with girlfriend CaCee Cobb.
At various times, we've speculated that the wedding would involve straightening irons, hoodies, and copious amounts of cutting, but the happy occasion actually had a very different theme. According to
IMDb:
The newlyweds celebrated their new status as husband and wife with an Alice in Wonderland-themed reception, with black beauty roses by Mark's Garden decorating each table. The wedding cake, by Sam Godfrey of Perfect Endings, featured a top hat, a tea pot, a stop watch and a pot of flowers on top.
Because nothing says "eternal love" quite like a anthropomorphic caterpillar smoking a bong.
May 16, 2008
Famous People Do Nothing, Get Paid

Your wedding and baby photos: You pay $3.79 at the Walgreens photo kiosk for a stack of glossy 8x10s. Famous people's wedding and baby photos: Magazines pay them millions of dollars to run the images for the whole world to see. That hard-won managerial position at Hot Topic seemed like a pretty sweet gig last week, didn't it? But to think, if only you were
Pete Wentz,
People magazine would pay you $1 million to show off your MySpace hair on their pages.
That's a sweet gig.
TMZ reports:
At least someone cares enough to pay cold hard cash for pregnant bride Ashlee Simpson's wedding pics!
Sources tell us People mag is shelling out "well over" one milllll-ion dollars (yes, as in seven figures) for pictures of Ash and guylinered Pete Wentz. That's probably more than she's made -- total -- from her "singing."
For their part, the mag says, "We're thrilled that celebrities continue to choose PEOPLE as the place to share their most intimate photos. We do not comment on specifics of any deals."
That's a lot of money to see some guy in a ripped up hoodie and skinny jeans mumble "Yeah sure" in response to "Do you take this woman . . . "
Also raking in the big bucks for doing a whole bunch of nothing:
Matthew McConaughey.
TMZ again:
Matthew McConaughey and baby mama Camila Alves are busy doing what all expectant parents do -- fielding million dollar offers for pictures of their kid!
TMZ has learned that McConaughey has hired "brand agent" Todd Shemarya -- who's already brokered deals for Brangelina and Xtina -- to help pull in some serious dough for photos of his child. So far, Mattyboy's gotten offers from three different publications -- EACH OVER A MILLION BUCKS! And the price is still climbing.
No word if the baby is a boy or girl -- but either way it's gonna be a cash cow. What happened to the bongo drumming, "just keep living" McConaughey we all knew and loved? Guess he's got to find some way to keep paying for all those shirts -- ya know, the ones he never wears.
The propmaster for the photo shoot may have her work cut out for her, as we're sure little
Bud McC will have a toothbrush in one hand and a tallboy in the other. It will be so precious to see how much the little one takes after Daddy.
May 14, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: "If I Was Cyclops and You Were Jean Grey"

• Singer/asshole Ryan Adams goes to comic shop expressly for the purpose of fondling
Mandy Moore. Nerds everywhere cut selves. (
The Blemish)
•
Tara Reid works a bikini, haters be damned. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• It's entirely possible that Tony Romo will never fumble with
Jessica Simpson's footballs again. (
Yeeeah!)
• Celebrity Muppets. (
Cityrag)
•
Kelly Brook is back together with your friend
Billy Zane. (
F-listed)
•
Lily Allen once sang that she wanted to see you smile. Today, the dream becomes reality as shots of her cliff-diving topless emerge. (
Hollywood Tuna)
• Some skintage flesh!
Tricia Helfer nip slip circa 2007. Battlestar Galac-tit-ca. (
Fatback)
• The new cast of
90210 revealed! That one was for all of our under 12 and gay readers. (
Bitten and Bound)
• How I Met My Emo Lover, by
Flashlee Simpson. (
FemaleFirst)
• Another kind of "bump" for
Britney. (
Daily Stab)
•
Shia La Beef on La Zit Cream. (
Celebitchy)
• When scabies met impetigo: a tender love story featuring
Amy Winehouse and
Pete Doherty. (
Seriously OMG WTF)
•
Amy Smart has a well-padded poon. (
Taxi Driver)
May 13, 2008
Ashlee and Petee: Nuptials Are Nigh!

Love springs a turtle. Or eternal, whatever. Lip-synching, rhinoplastic fantastic celebrity sibling
Ashlee Simpson is rumored to be
marrying her wang-flashing Fall Out Fiance,
Pete Wentz, this coming weekend. Reports
Us:
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a "top secret" location, a source close to the couple told Usmagazine.com.
"Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice," the source told Us.
The rehearsal dinner – described by the source as "an intimate affair" for "family and close friends only" – will take place on Friday.
On Saturday, "all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location," the source explained.
Regarding Simpson's upcoming wedding, her spokesperson told Us: "This is a private matter. There is nothing to confirm."
It'll be the emoest affair this side of a Taking Back Sunday tour! Those non-invite save-the-date notices were probably sent out via MySpace bulletins. The bride and groom will be taking their own wedding portraits in a bathroom mirror with a point-and-shoot. However, this begs the question: can you put Blingees on a cake?
May 08, 2008
Ashlee Simpson Growing Two Succulent Babies--in Her Shirt
Ashlee Simpson has finally cracked the code to success. She's tried and tried, to no avail, getting engaged, toying with the public's minds over a possible wee Wentz in the womb, but those tactics haven't helped sell records. But you know what works every time? Boobs. Put some nice juicy jugs in a man's face, and he's sure to buy your record. And we thought Ash never took
big sis's advice (well, other than every good older sister's passed-down wisdom: "You can't get pregnant if you do it in the butt." Or was that just our sister?). Those Simpsons sure know how to use a set of sweater stuffers to their advantage. And if that doesn't work, maybe a quickie wedding will do the trick. Ash can't let
Mimi steal all the profiteering
publicity. Reports
Hollyscoop:
Ashlee Simpson has a lot on her plate, a new album, a baby on its way and a wedding. The singer is set to have a shotgun wedding next weekend in California to her rocker beau Pete Wentz.
A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."
Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.
You know what? We don't really care if Ashlee and Petey are getting married next week or next millennium, and we also don't care about the occupation of Ashlee's womb. We know gossip has been a little sparse lately, but c'mon! It's bikini season. Where are the dastardly waves plotting to wash away famous ladies' tops? Is Kate Moss the
only lady of importance who goes to nude beaches anymore? We appreciate Ashlee throwing us the boob bone here, but knowing that her cavernous casabas come from a need for publicity and not a true love of funbag flaunting sort of ruins it. Plus, she's with Pete. Two boobs in one photo are enough for us.
April 30, 2008
Newlyweds Part 2: The Ashlee Years

Joe Simpson must really hate
Pete Wentz, because he's pushing Pete and
Ashlee to follow in big sis
Jessica and ex-hubby Nick's oh-so-successful footsteps and film the first stage in their marital union. So does this mean that after the show ends we'll see Ashlee star in a film version of
The Greatest American Hero, get divorced, dabble in Lisa Rinna-sized lips, date Jason Mraz, and then ruin the career of a promising sports star? Sounds like fun to us. According to
MSNBC:
The reality apple does not fall far from the tree, especially when you’re talking about the sisters Simpson. Jessica Simpson skyrocketed to fame thanks to “Newlyweds,” and it’s sounding like little sister Ashlee might be working on a similar deal now that she’s engaged and with child.
Joe Simpson, Ashlee’s dad and manager, is said to be the driving force behind the concept, according to OK! magazine. “Joe knows that no one cared about Jessica before her reality show, and he’s hoping a show for Ashlee will have the same effect,” a source close to Ashlee told the magazine.
A rep for Ashlee said this is “not true at all,” but other sources close to the sisters said they’ve heard similar talk. If the show were to happen, it wouldn't be one of its kind for Simpson. The first season of “The Ashlee Simpson Show” ran in the summer of 2004, and her first album, “Autobiography,” dropped a month into the show’s run and debuted at No. 1.
One record-industry insider said that the show definitely helps sales, and the Simpson camp will do whatever it takes to make sure Ashlee can be a success, even if that means turning the cameras back on. “She’s been struggling with record sales. Now that she’s really interesting again, a reality show could do wonders for her career. It’s a part of doing business for this family.”
Man, that's going to be some compelling television. Half of every episode will consist of Ashlee and Pete trying on each other's skinny jeans and striped t-shirts and gazing lovingly at each other's reflections in the bathroom mirror as they engage in hot side-by-side flat-ironing action. It'll be more popular than
American Idol.
April 25, 2008
Ashlee and Petee: Robbed by Monkeys

We are sick of talking about whether or not
Ashlee Simpson is carrying an emo tot in her womb. We will cease to care until we see proof; proof like a sonogram that depicts a tiny little guy-linered fetus with a flat iron in its hand. Until then we will talk about how Ashlee and
little Petey Wentz were robbed by monkeys. Yes, robbed by monkeys, according to
Starpulse:
Hot couple Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were the victims of monkey thieves who stole all their designer gear during a recent Costa Rican retreat. The pair was staying at a hotel in the Latin American paradise when things started to go missing from their room.
Simpson explains, "We'd go to sleep and we'd wake up, and the maid wasn't even here, but sunglasses, my Sony, my favorite Wireseal hat, all this stuff, my favorite make-up bag (was gone). We were like, 'Where is everything?' We asked the hotel and they said that the monkeys like shiny things.
"That monkey has some serious designer clothes."
We love how Ashlee immediately jumps to "Of course, I assumed the maid stole our stuff, because that's what low-class servants do, right, stab you in the back after you've graciously payed them a whole $4.25 per hour? But she wasn't even there. I was so confused." But we're guessing that the thievery wasn't undergone by a band of monkeys, but just one simian creature, namely, the monkey Pete used to make out with all the time. He's probably been following the couple around waiting for his moment, and when he spied an unguarded door he snuck in and pilfered some of Ashlee's prized items, muttering to himself (translated from monkey speak, of course), "That'll teach you to steal my man, bitch." He probably also smeared some feces on things, cause that's what monkeys do.
April 15, 2008
Ashlee Preglee?

The other day, Fall Out Turd
Pete Wentz and surgically altered sister
Ashlee Simpson announced their
engagement, but offered a "no comment" on pregnancy rumors. Yesterday, Pete told
MTV News:
“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”
Way to deny without denying, Pete. Some sources are reporting that Ashlee is definitely pregulated, some are reporting that she is absolutely not, but we think
Yeeeah! has busted the case wide open:
“Coincidentally,” Ashlee’s new album drops in a week, on the same day her shirt line for Wet Seal debuts. The very same album that threatened to be overshadowed by Mariah Carey’s until daddy leaked E=MC2 onto the internet. Coincidentally.
Aha! Excellent marketing strategy, Simpson family. We know that when we go to the record store or peruse iTunes.com, the first thing we look for is not songs we'd be interested in or the hot hits of today, but whether or not the artist is under the age of 24 and has allowed an unsheathed penis to ejaculate semen into her vagina. That is the mark of musical ventures worth our cash. True, our CD collection consists of nothing but albums by Charlotte Church, Lily Allen, and Clay Aiken, but hey, at least we're consistent.
April 10, 2008
Ashlee Simpson to Become Mrs. Fall Out Girl

At this very moment, thousands of pubescent emo girls are artfully applying eyeliner only to streak it with tears for the perfect Myspace bathroom photo op. Why? The object of their stirring groins, Fall Out Boy member
Pete Wentz, is getting married. To
Ashlee Simpson. Ashlee confirmed the rumors via a message to
Friends or Enemies:
"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."
The couple is registered at Hot Topic. Please take a moment to wish them well and purchase them a black KitchenAid mixer covered with studs.
Furthermore,
US Weekly asked Ashlee's rep if she was pregnant and was shut down with a
"No comment."
When Ashlee and Pete's (hypothetical) child reaches that age when he or she asks the "How are babies made?" question, they'll have it easy, being able to say, "Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, the mommy gets a nose job and then the daddy takes pictures of himself next to a strategically placed Morrissey poster to set the mood." And then Ashlee and Pete will whip out all
Pete's wiener shots of yore, point to his penis, and say, "There. You came from there, honey."

March 05, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Sweet Leaf

•
Jenna Jameson, looking Bratz-ier than ever. (
F-listed)
• No, my first name ain't baby. It's
Janet. Miss Rackson if you're see-through. (
Hollywood Tuna)
•
Lindsay Lohan goes back to red, lays off the burnt umber fake bake, approaches former
Mean Girls-era loveliness. (
Allie Is Wired)
•
Keanu Reeves and
Parker Posey. Two great stoners that stone great together. (
Lainey Gossip)
• Perhaps they should head over to the radio station to tear into a box of Scooby Snacks with
Ashlee Simpson. (
Yeeeah!)
• Mental wounds not healing. Life's a bitter shame.
Julia Roberts is going off the rails on a crazy train.(
Cityrag)
•
Hayden Panettiere's mom is "very proud" that her teenage daughter is moving in with 31-year-old
Milo Ventimiglia. Awwww. (
FemaleFirst)
• Cruz Beckham, spawn of
David and
Posh Spice, is a SUPERSTAR. (
Bitten and Bound)
•
Kevin Federline's gut threatens to Popozao out of his golf shirt. (
Hollywood Backwash)
• To
Paris Hilton, "foreign-looking man with long gray beard" = the path to spiritual enlightenment. (
Hollywood Grind)
January 17, 2008
Ashlee's Dyein' for Pete

Stocky man with inky, oily black hair, monochromatic clothes, 1920s style under-eye shadow and a jaunty bowler hat. Paramour with ivory skin and flaming red locks smiling beatifically next to him. Nice to see that
Jack White and wife Karen Elson still appear to be very happy together. Well done!
January 11, 2008
Ashlee Bikinee

Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and RePete Wentz to a beach in Costa Rica. Pete fell in. Who was left? RePete. Pete and etc., etc.
Bikini Month continues at CelebNewsWire. Today's specimen is
Ashlee Simpson, looking lovely in this little green number. We're glad she and
Pete Wentz are relaxing and recharging, because they lead very hectic lives. Hectic lives full of rhinoplasty and hair products. Applying UV protective energizing creme gelée to one's MySpace coif is a full-time job, and we commend Pete for his commitment to his craft. Even on the beach at a tropical locale in the middle of nowhere, the bangs are razored to rakish perfection, the molding mud is holding them in a fan across his brow, just so. Good thing, too. You never know when a bathroom mirror and a Canon Powershot will pop out at you. You never know when the Cobrasnake will strike. Man, that was deep.

November 21, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Just Crave Nicotine Sometimes"

•
Hayden Panettiere continues to blaze a flouncy, lace-trimmed trail straight to Saucytown. (
Egotastic!)
•
Amy Winehouse celebrates Christmas early by hanging sparkling white ornaments amongst the branches of her nose hair. (
Yeeeah!)
• Hey, look! It's
Beyonkadonkcé. (
Derek Hail)
•
Vanessa Minnillo's bikini bottoms are intelligent, as they wisely creep up her cheek cleave and allow us to rejoice. Huzzah! (
Drunken Stepfather)
• When
Perry Met
Sally. (
Celebitchy)
•
Dennis Quaid's newborn twins get a leg up on all the other celebrity babies by ODing. That was mean, sorry. (
The Blemish)
• Headline of the day: "
Nicole Richie's Pooch Pee Plea". (
Female First)
• British model/reality star Sophie Anderton will charge you $20K to allow you to snort cocaine off her bewbs and then make the love with her. (
Fatback and Collards)
•
Ashlee Simpson has secrets. Smoky, smoky secrets. (
Allie Is Wired)
May 09, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Wiggin' Out

• "Pink bra. Pink push-up bra. Uhhh . . . acid wash. Skirt that's . . . acid wash with ball-point pen. Uhhh . . . wig. Bad wig. Bad, brown wig. Ratty brown--" "Things
Britney Spears wears!" Ding ding ding! You just won $25,000 Pyramid! (
Egotastic!)
•
Penny Kravitz? (
Female First)
• What's in
Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (
Taxi Driver)
•
Kate Moss wears sheer dress, shows what she's got up Top(Shop). (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(
IDLYITW)
• We look at these pictures and imagine the sound
Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (
D Listed)
• After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning,
Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (
Cityrag)
• Enjoy a visit with
Posh Spice v. 1.0. (
ICYDK)
•
Tom Sizemore, busted for meth. Just like your cousins Travis and Crystal Jean. (
TMZ)
•
Ashlee and
Jessica do not suffer each other gladly. (
A Socialite's Life)
•
Depp's got two tickets to
Paradis. Won't you pack your bags? We'll marry tonight. (
Gabby Babble)
April 09, 2007
Vaguely Famous Celebrity Sibling Dating That One Band Guy With the MySpace Hair and Penis Pictures

Hey,
Ashlee Simpson and
Pete Wentz are dating, or something. We can neither act surprised nor pitch snark, since it seems like an apt enough pairing, and we're not familiar enough with his oeuvre (aside from his
dick pix of yore) to properly mock him while she's so far off the radar now that poking fun at her lip syncing or nosejobbing would just be embarrassing. A source spotted them at a club and told
People:
“They definitely weren’t hiding the fact that they were together . . . They were making out a lot and they were pretty intense.”
"Pretty intense"? What does that even mean? How does one measure or note such a thing? "The hands dug into the ass with an
extra-firm kneading motion." "There was something about the way she freaked him to 'Ridin' that was, I dunno, really
urgent."
more »
January 04, 2007
You Make Ashlee Want to La La-ose Her Top

Once known as the homely little lip synching sister with the
Avril Lavigne armwarmers,
Ashlee Simpson filled up the latter half of 2006 by buying herself a brand-new shiny face and using it to emerge, victorious, from the pneumatic shadow of her sister
Jessica. The rhinoplastic groundwork has been laid, and Ashlee is ready to burst forth into 2007 a fully-realized being, not a pale imitation of Jessica. Bursting forth literally. From her bikini top. After the jump.
more »
October 06, 2006
I Want It Ash Way
We don't really care whom
Paris Hilton and her set have or haven't slept with. At this point it's just swapping different herpes strains anyway. But in a desperate bid to garner publicity for his new
House of Carters (which we'll only watch if it involves
AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS),
Nick Carter is claiming that Paris cheated on him with
Chad Michael Murray, so in return Nick slept with
Ashlee Simpson. Why doesn't everyone in Hollywood under age 25 just get together for one giant clusterfuck and call it a night? Except for that lovely
Mandy Moore. We wouldn't want to defile her like that.
more »
September 27, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Muff-y the Mampire Displayer
•
Buffy costar
Mercedes McNab to
pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.
• Sweet little cherub
Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and
pulling it off.
• And lo, brash angel of God
Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto
Tori Spelling:
"unto you a childe is borne!"
•
Paris Hilton has been
officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!
• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one
hep cat.
•
Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of
Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.
•
Lindsay Lohan's father brags about
porking his daughter's
Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.
• A helpful
compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.
•
Tom and
K-Hole are looking for a project they can
star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography,
Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.
September 21, 2006
From Human to Jocelyn Wildenstein in Less Than Six Months

Take heed,
Lindsay Lohan, for
Ashlee Simpson has stumbled upon the perfect solution for those days when you're booked to attend a movie premiere, an awards ceremony, and a fashion show but all you really want to do is go to Hyde and do belly shots off of Harry Morton until he starts to resemble a rainbow-striped unicorn: Just send your Madame Tussaud's wax figure in your place!
September 20, 2006
"Their breasts will sag and their faces will wither."
Hey, guys, did you hear?
Jessica Simpson is sexy. She has amazing boobs. And now that her sister
Ashlee got that nose job she's sexy too. You hardly even notice her butt chin anymore. They are sexy, sexy, sexy. You know how we know? Their dad told us. He thinks they're totally hot and sexy and yummy and tasty and other words that no father should ever say about his little girls. And you know what else? He loves to take pictures of them. Doesn't every dad love to take pictures of his daughters? In bikinis? With cleavage hanging out?
more »
August 24, 2006
Roll My Stockings Down, and All That Ash
Ashlee Simpson is in talks to star as Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of the musical
Chicago. Audiences across the land will pay to see Ashlee glide onto the stage, resplendent in period-appropraite pin curls and glittery showgirl costume. As the strains of her first song pour from the orchestra pit, Ashlee will open her mouth and start miming the words to "La La". Realizing her folly, she will do an improvised and highly comical jig before making her hasty exit.
more »

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