The full moon is blossoming, and so are the crazies. Normally, the mentally deranged and celebrity obsessed are content to stay home cutting out pictures of Josh Hartnett on which to practice kissing (not that we’d know or anything), but it seems that Tom Cruise’s recent bout of The Loonies has sent everyone clean over the edge. Just this weekend, Cameron Diaz got punched, Leonardo DiCaprio got his pretty pretty face slashed, and the aforementioned Mr. Cruise found himself on the receiving end of a vicious bukkake attack:
First up: Cammy Diaz! Those pouty lips, those deep azure eyes . . . highly humpable, yes, but model Coralie Eicholtz found those features highly punchable. Poor Cam made the grievous error of accidentally stepping on the hem of Coralie’s dress during a party at Jimmy’s nightclub in Monte Carlo. Coralie relates the tale of woe: “As Cameron leaped over our seats she accidentally trod on my dress–putting a big hole in it. I toppled over and fell on my face–so I gave her a right hook before my friends stepped in . . . Cameron looked like a scared rabbit. I wanted to kill her.” Oh, Coralie, you stupid, stupid model. Cameron Diaz is the most sue-happy celebrity in Hollywood. Hellloooo?
Dateline: Friday! An unhinged broad busts into a party given by Rick Salomon, the man attached to the penis attached to Paris Hilton in their infamous sex tape, and promptly slashes Leo DiCaprio’s face with a broken beer bottle, slicing a “vital artery near his ear.” Leo was rushed to the hospital, received 12 stitches, and will now be fielding offers for roles like “grizzled ex-con” and “world-weary former gang member” instead of “boyish hunk brimming with childlike wonder” and “autistic teen”.
Finally, Tom Cruise proved that the Scientologists have stolen not just his soul, but also the last scraps of any semblence of a sense of humor he may have had. Our favorite little hyperactive parrot was squirted with water that shot forth from a novelty microphone as he was interviewed at the London premiere of War of the Worlds. An incensed Cruise sputtered, “Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Do you like thinking less of people, is that it? . . . Youíre a jerk . . . jerk . . . youíre a jerk.” The four jerky jerks behind the prank were then arrested, and Cruise is charging them with assault. Assault with a deadly . . . water . . . microphone . . . thingie. Watch the terribly entertaining video of the incident here. After the prank, Cruise was said to melt down to the ground with a resounding sizzle and a puff of steam, and then the winged monkeys that were forced to do his bidding for lo, these many long years, were finally set free with much fanfare. Huzzah!
Hey hey hey, it’s a naked Cammy Diaz . . . at MrSkin.com.
And as for Tom and Leo? Well, you can see pictures of them at MaleStars.com, you dirty birdies.
