Underworld: Halitosis

Maybe it's just because we at CelebNewsWire are sick and perverted freaks (we're just trying to emulate our readers, after all), but when we see a headline that says, "Kate Beckinsale's Oral Paranoia" we have certain expectations, maybe even certain fantasies wherein Kate is dressed as a geisha and demurely giggles and blushes when a male member is wagged in her face. But that's just us, right?

But in reality Kate Beckinsale is a classy lady. She's a Brit, you see, and that means she's swank and superior to us Yanks in every way. She would never pick up a copy of Newsweek and announce to a room that she was heading to the loo to paint some porcelain brown. Nor would she stuff her yap full of greasy pork rinds and then let out a succession of increasingly obnoxious belches. And of course she would never discuss her oral sex habits in close proximity to a member of the media. It's just a trick FemaleFirst is playing on us. They want us to believe in their ability to get classy and sophisticated celebrities to talk about their basest human functions. But then we click through and just get a story about how Kate's breath smells like your front lawn after your diarrhettic dog ate some leftover Indian food. Really Kate's paranoia is that co-stars such as Ben Affleck and Leonardo DiCaprio will think she has bad breath, so she douses her mouth with peppermint oil before kissing scenes. Thanks a lot, FemaleFirst.

It'll be much easier to imagine Kate's oral paranoia when you see her naked at MrSkin.com.