With Valkyrie, You'll Finally Get to Laugh at Nazis

So the Tom Cruise Nazi movie. We're pretty sure that not one person on earth has said a kind word about it yet. At this point we think that MGM should just hire a bunch of drag queens to attend every showing of the film and try to turn it into a camp classic. Otherwise this thing is pretty much screwed. Reports MSNBC:

MGMís marketing team is working hard to convince audiences that their oft-delayed Tom Cruise vehicle ìValkyrieî is a thriller and not the chatfest ìLions for Lambsî was. But those who've gotten an early glimpse say not only is the film nowhere near as exciting as a thriller, but Cruiseís performance elicits uncomfortable and inappropriate laughs.

Among them: A scene where Cruiseís character, Claus Von Stauffenberg, is forced to give the infamous ìHeil Hitlerî salute. ìItís an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh," the source says. "His character is resisting it but you never forget itís Tom Cruise saying ëHeil Hitler.í Itís funny and shocking at the same time.î

Sources also described a scene where Cruiseís character Claus Von Stauffenberg removes a false eye. ìIt was disgusting,î said one person who saw the film. ìIt was like watching someone pluck their contacts out.î

ìThe film just isnít a thriller at allî said one ìValkyrieî viewer. ìItís a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. Itís too bad. And Tom doesnít speak with a German accent ó though they did add a voiceover of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, itís as if he could say ëI complete youí at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.î

When we first saw the trailer for Valkyrie and noticed Cruise's lack of accent, we thought that this would be just like Kevin Costner's Americanized Robin Hood in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which case: awesome! That means that Tom Cruise's career is going to start getting really interesting. He'll have to fall in love with Whitney Houston, move to the Wild West for a while, fill the whole world with lots and lots of water and waste tons and tons of money that will never be recouped, bring hope to a post-apocalyptic world through the magic of mail, and play about fourteen baseball players. That sounds like way more fun than Magnolia. Stupid damn frogs.