Shocking New Book Alleges Tom Cruise Is Wacky Cult Leader

So you know all those things you've heard about Tom Cruise being a crazy loony mental patient who does nothing all day but mutter under his breath "I love L. Ron. L. Ron is God" and stare at the author's photo on the back of Dianetics? Someone said, "What the hell, I can sell that" and wrote a book. Finally, we can claim to have more journalistic integrity than someone. PageSix.com reports:

A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.

In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star — and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:

* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out. * The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."

* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.

Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise — it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.

While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.

What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles--which would explain all those wide-legged pants--and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).