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January 15, 2008 at 10:45AM

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Tom Cruise Talks and Talks, But the Only Thing That Comes Out Is Verbal Crazy

We like to pride ourselves on knowing our readers. We know you love knockers and large asses and flashed gash and anything involving Paris Hilton looking stupid or Britney Spears looking crazy. We also know that an unusually high percentage of you are sustained coma survivors. Many of you have only recently reentered the world of the mobile after ten or twenty years of unconsciousness, and naturally you turn to us for updates on pop culture. So for those of you who still think that Tom Cruise is a cocky little go-getter married to a huge-tittied lady, we regret to inform you that he is now a cocky little cult member married to a brainwashed former teen melodrama star. And here's over nine minutes of cuckoo nutso rambling to prove it (video via Celebitchy).

Watching that made us feel like we'd just woken up from a twenty-year coma and landed in Blade Runner. KSW? SPs? We have no idea what the hell the little man is talking about. And by the end of it we felt it was sort of like listening to Sabbath backward; we heard sounds, but they didn't really add up to words, just subliminal messages about "our leader" and "thetans" and "e-meters". We were only able to snap out of the trance when Tommy slipped in an ode to Heidi Klum when he pronounced "You're either in or you're out." We hope an executive at Bravo sees this and is hit with the inspiration for Project Scientologist, where young L. Ron followers compete to reach higher and higher Operating Thetan levels.

Related Topics: Scientology, Tom Cruise

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Yeah, scientology is pretty wacky, but is it any crazier than all the other made-up religions on the planet?

Posted by: Dan | January 15, 2008 01:42 PM

Does he really think "scientologists" are the only ones to stop and help when they see a car crash? Seriously?

Posted by: Dena | January 15, 2008 04:07 PM

Uh, let's see, one "religon" states that all our souls were trapped in a volcano until a nuclear bomb was dropped in it, while all the other ones preach peace, love and goodwill towards man. If you weren't a blinded by your ignorance and/or bigotry, you'd know this, Dan.

Posted by: Brain | January 16, 2008 04:46 AM

Most of the religions preaching "peace, love and goodwill" also advocate intolerance and hatered. If you weren't blinded by rhetoric and brain washing you'd know that, brain.
I'm not defending the mental abortion that is scientology, just pointing out that all religion is quackerey.

Posted by: Quarto | January 16, 2008 09:30 AM

No, only stooges like you think that, Quarto. I mean, those Buddist's man, don't ever get on their bad side.

Posted by: Brian | January 17, 2008 12:31 AM

Yep, those crazy Buddhists, which could explain why I used the word most, instead of all. Of course, I'm sure your persecution complex trumps your reading comprehension any day. The fact that Buddhists and others are peaceful doesn't make their superstitions any more reasonable.

Posted by: Quarto | January 17, 2008 11:14 AM

my friends & I stopped to help people after their car drove off the road & into a ditch. They didn't want our help & it took a coffee the next morning to realize that they really didn't want 8 new year revellers to drive them home. Our driver was sober
At the time we could not believe that they didn't want our help.
We were in France .

Posted by: mika | January 18, 2008 11:50 PM