Tom Cruise insults the French. Like That's Hard To Do.

We almost got through a morning without mentioning T– C—–, and then something felt . . . wrong. Just wrong. We checked our car keys, our checkbook, our kidneys . . . everything was in place. Then we realized that we've grown so accustomed to chatting about Tom, we just can't go without. Sorry. It's all Tom, every day, from now on! Strap on your e-meter and grin like a fucking loon!

So, Tom has deeply offended the people of France after snubbing their carefully-selected fine Fronch wine in favor of some good ole-fashioned sody pop. The staff at Sofitel Vieux Port Hotel in Marseilles were thoroughly pumped when Cruise came to stay after his engagement to K-Hole (though, strangely, there is no mention of her staying there with him . . .) and they all scrambled to impress Johnny Bigtime by offering him the most expensive wine they had in stock. Unfortunately, Tom is a teetotaler, and he turned down the booze and asked for a Coke. Oho! Have we cracked the mystery of Why Tom Cruise Has Been Acting Like a Methed-Up Chihuahua? Could his madness stem from severe caffiene and sugar addiction? And doesn't the Scientology Center have some sort of audit for such things?

Tom Tom Tom. At MaleStars.com. Hey, that rhymes.