Tiger Woods: He Went to Jared

It’s not like us to completely ignore the biggest celebrity stories out there. Hahahaha! Just kidding, that’s totally like us. We’ve been trying with all our might not to write about the whole Tiger-Woods-car-crash-wife-infidelity-mistress-gulping goofballs-nine iron kerfuffle but damn if it hasn’t turned out to be more entertaining than a bunch of gerbils in a bingo cage. Where to begin? How about with TMZ:

Tiger Woods did not suffer facial lacerations from a car accident. They were inflicted by his wife, Elin Nordegren.

We’re told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman [allegedly Rachel Uchitel]. The argument got heated and she scratched his face up. It was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV — but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

We’re told Woods became “distracted,” thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree.

Tiger is refusing to talk to police, has dropped out of an upcoming golf tournament, and Elin Nordegren is reportedly facing spousal abuse charges. It’s cool, though. Tiger’s got a plan. According to TMZ, he talked to a friend and:

Tiger said his wife had “gone ghetto” on him. Tiger told the friend his wife had scratched his face up during an argument over a report that the golf great had cheated on her.

Tiger told his friend, “I have to run to Zales to get a ‘Kobe Special.’”

The person on the other end of the phone asked Tiger what a “Kobe Special” was. The reply — “A house on a finger.”

Men are so foolish. They think that just by purchasing women a shiny object, they’ll completely forget about HOLY SHIT IS THAT TINSEL? HEE HEE HEE! IT SPARKLES! WHEEEE!

UPDATE: You don’t need to speak Chinese to enjoy this reenactment with angry, scorned Sims.