The Passion(fruit Wine Cooler) of the Christ

Over the weekend, Pam Anderson married Kid Rock, Lindsay Lohan threw caution to the wind and defiantly stepped out on the town, but Mel Gibson has them all beat: tossing back enough liquor to immobilize a hippo, drunk driving (possibly in a bid to off himself), getting arrested, spewing anti-Semitic slurs and sexually harassing female police officers, and then, humbled, checking his ass into rehab. You might say he was in high spirits. Bwahahaha! "Spirits!" Hahaha! Cuz . . . cuz he was . . . drunk . . . oh, never mind.

We'd heard about Mel's skirmishes with the law a few days ago, but it barely registered because Mel was not slipping nippage out of a comely string bikini or busting out an upskirt while being ushered out of the cop car. Something like 98% of Americans these days have ADD, so we'll give you the Cliff's Notes version of Mel's Wild Weekend:
1. Early Friday morning: Mr. Gibson is pulled over by the LAPD for driving under the influence of alcohol. After being handcuffed, he tried to make a run for it, was captured and thrown into the police car, where he repeatedly threw his body against the hood of the vehicle and bellowed the following statements, soon to be hip catchphrases with the kids:
A. "You mother fucker. I'm going to fuck you." B. (Per L.A. County Sheriffs Deputy James Mee) "Gibson almost (continually) threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." C. "Fucking Jews . . . the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?" D. (To a female officer at the station) "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"
2. Saturday: Gibson sobers up, places tail firmly betwixt legs, releases this statement: "After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the LA County Sheriffs. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person. I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry. I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health."
3. Today: powerful Hollywood agent Ari Emmanuel calls for a good old-fashioned Amish-style shunning of Gibson: "I wish Mel Gibson well in dealing with his alcoholism, but alcoholism does not excuse racism and anti-Semitism ... When The Passion of the Christ came out, Gibson was quoted as categorically denying any anti-Semitism attributed to him ... Now we know the truth. And no amount of publicist approved contrition can paper it over ... People in the entertainment community, whether Jew or gentile, need to demonstrate that they understand how much is at stake in this by professionally shunning Mel Gibson and refusing to work with him, even if it means a sacrifice to their bottom line. There are times in history when standing up against bigotry and racism is more important than money." Hm, not a bad idea . . . perhaps sticking it to Mel Gibson can be the one uniting factor that brings religions together and causes peace across the globe!
4. Also today: Gibson does the obvious and checks his bloated ass into rehab.
The greatest thing to come out of this giant, festering, putrid debacle is Mel's mug shot: Knowing he's completely fucked, there's nothing left to do except try to muster up a little sparkle into those once-mesmerizing baby blues and turn on the charm. Even at his lowest, drunkest, most belligerent and bigotiest, when those bright lights and the lens of that camera turn to his face, he's Mad Max once again. Now THAT'S a star, baby!
If you'd like to see some pictures of Mel in better days (and who wouldn't?), just head over to MaleStars.com.