CelebNewsWire» Zooey Deschanel Archives – CelebNewsWire

Oh, The Quirkiness

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:30:02 +0000

Zooey Deschanel is America’s go-to girl when we need someone to play a zany, quirky, precious female who storms into a guy’s life and turns his world upside down. As such, she’s become sex symbol for comic nerds, IT guys, and fat virgins. You’d assume their hearts would be broken when they found out she was engaged, but since her betrothed was fat*, virginal, nerdy guy Ben Gibbard from the fat, nerdy, computer dork band Death Cab for Cutie, it was OK. Well, now they’re married. People says:

Zooey Deschanel, 29, and Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard, 33, tied the knot Saturday night near Seattle, her rep tells PEOPLE.

The couple got engaged last year when Gibbard presented Deschanel with a three-carat diamond and platinum Neil Lane ring, a source told PEOPLE at the time.

Here’s betting their ceremony looked like an Anthropologie catalog. Lots of people in expensive dresses traipsing through a field with antique croquet mallets, pausing to nibble lavender-honey petit-fours and sip elderberry sherry out of snifters made from beach glass.

*He’s not really fat. He just has a fat guy head.

Zooey Deschanel, Who Is Engaged, Doesn't Believe in Marriage

Agent E. — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:55:10 +0000

We don't expect Hollywood types to have any convictions whatsoever. Everywhere you look there are gay men pretending to be homophobes, vegetarians stuffing their maws with In-N-Out burgers, anti-Semitic Jews. So it doesn't so much surprise us that cute-as-a-sack-of-three-legged-kittens Zooey Deschanel doesn't believe in marriage even though she's planning a wedding of her own. She said:

People don't have to get married anymore. We're a generation that has progressed in many ways, from the ones before us. I think that the idea of romantic love is about marriage is over. Now all love is romantic love. Getting married is not a necessity, and staying with one person is not a necessity.

Does she blather on about her commitment to abstinence while she's fucking too?

Zooey Deschanude!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:13:13 +0000

If only she'd have shown her ass, we could have titled this post "Fanny and Zooey" and it would have been way funnier. Especially for British people. But hey, twee indie rock dudes with inverted wieners! Hey, shy bearded fat guys in plaid shirts who cry while watching Battlestar! This one's for you: cutesy sweetheart Zooey Deschanel gets naked in the upcoming film Gigantic! According to Mr Skin:

57 minutes into Gigantic (a word you couldnít use to describe Zooeyís b-cups), she strips down to her panties beside a pool. First, we see her boobs reflected in the rippling water, then thereís a much better look from a distance as she stands topless on the diving board. Finally, when Zooey comes out of the water after taking the plunge, her mams briefly break the surface.

Zooey is so sickening adorable that even showing her chits is probably unbearably cute. Instead of masturbating after watching it, you'll go make merry under a waterfall, press some buttercups in a scrapbook and then have a tea party with orphaned baby otters.

Wedding Limo for Douchie

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:49:07 +0000

We often wonder what sort of swain could win the heart of the ever-perky and unendingly adorable Zooey Deschanel. We weren't sure if Kewpie was male, and Nermal from Garfield isn't real, but now we have our answer: some ironically bearded guy with a eunuch voice from a limp-donged indie band! Mazel! Hit us with the news, US Weekly:

Zooey Deschanel is engaged to Ben Gibbard, the front man for Death Cab for Cutie, a source close to the couple tells Usmagazine.com.

Rumors that the Yes Man actress, 28, was getting married spread after In Touch falsely reported she was engaged to a different musician: Hunter Burgan, a bass guitarist for AFI.

Deschanel and Gibbard, 32, are ìso thrilled,î the source tells Us. ìZooey was swept off her feet, and Ben is so excited.î

Maybe it's holiday sap overdose but the thought of this couple's wedding is nauseating in its twee-ness. How much do you want to bet they'll sing to each other and dressed-up chihuahuas will somehow be involved. And don't forget the nummy vegan cupcakes. Cupcakes! Eeeee!

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Christ, Superstar

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:14:12 +0000

ï Reality show star/monster Heidi Montag promises to make a Christian album, compares herself to Jesus. "Because we both have really shiny hair and heal leopards," Heidi says. "That's what the poor people with zits are called, right?" (Yeeeah!)

ï Katherine Heigl downblouse cleavage shot. By the by, why is the term downblouse? What an antiquated word. We don't say "upcrinoline". Though "crack above slacks" has a nice ring to it. (Egotastic!)

ï Anne Hathaway does not heed the rap world's advice to "stop snitchin'"; snitches. (Flisted)

ï Cameron Diaz is beginning to look a bit Wildensteinian. (Cityrag)

ï Eva Longoria gets plugged. Fireplugged, that is! (The Blemish)

ï Pharrell thinks tattoos and skin are like wallpaper. (FemaleFirst)

ï Lindsay Lohan and chick chum Samantha Ronson get cutesy together. (CelebWarship)

ï Zooey Deschanel is everyone's favorite. You there. Go. Look upon her in a swimsuit. (Don't Link This)

ï Bridget the Midget's nip slip proves that not ALL of her is tiny. (Taxi Driver)

ï Amy Winehouse hit a fan (and it felt like a kiss). (Allie Is Wired)

ï Eddie Murphy wants to retire from movies. Well, see ya. (Daily Stab)