The first time I worked with him he punched me in the face. He was training for 'Ali'. I encouraged him to show me a couple of moves. I was completely knocked out! Seriously, though, I'd be happy to be punched out by Will anytime. He swore to me that it was an accident.

"It's nice to meet you, Charlize, I'm Will. I'm working on a boxing movie. It's totally manly and macho. I'm super buff from it. You wanna feel my guns? How about I show you how ripped I am by throwing a few punches? Oops, sorry, did I get your face there? I totally didn't mean to. I just don't know my own strength, since I am so so macho and manly. Seriously, manly. Tell your friends. I am a manly man who loves women."

ì[The first time I spoke with Smith], I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion. Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. Youíd be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.î

This lends itself quite nicely to Smithís new allegiance to the homo-curing religion of Scientology:

Could Smithís proclivities account for his recent apparent conversion to Scientology, a religion thatís chief appeal in Hollywood appears to be its promise to turn gay people straight? The religionís founder, L. Ron Hubbard, believed homosexuals should be quarantined from society because he considered gays to be ìquite ill physicallyî and homosexuality a ìmental aberration.î

Looking back, this is all quite obvious if you explore the early oeuvre of the Fresh Prince releases. "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson" was just a radio-friendly version of the more colorful "I Think I Can Beat Off Mike Tyson". And "Parents Just Don't Understand" was actually the harrowing tale of coming out to one's mother and father and not, as one would assume, a song about buying Zips and picking up pre-teen runaways. Actually, no, that's pretty gay too.

Will Smith has joined the ranks of Hollywood power players actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.

Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center.

Fun!

Never mind that such tests are given free by the church anyway. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that – surprise! – Scientology can fix right up for you.

For a fee, of course.

Smith, who is best buddies with Scientology booster Tom Cruise, has never confirmed that he joined the church. But he told "Access Hollywood" last month: "I was introduced to it by Tom, and I'm a student of world religion. I was raised in a Baptist household. I went to a Catholic school, but the ideas of the Bible are 98% the same ideas of Scientology, 98% the same ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism."

Presumably the other 2% is the part about the evil space emperor who put the hydrogen bombs in the volcano.

It appears that extreme caca breath doesn't fall under L. Ron's definition of a "personality flaw".

When Will was talking to me, I smelled his breath and it smelled like hot [excrement]. You know the kind of breath that's so bad it makes your eyes water. I thought it might have been something else (like someone farted) but I asked the girl next to me and she said Will's breath stunk too.

Sounds like he's the Not-So-Fresh Prince. Zing!

ï John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

ï Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

ï Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

ï Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

ï Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

ï Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

ï Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

ï Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.