Punch That Funky Wife, White Boy?*

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:24:50 +0000

Yo, VIP, let's kick it! Actually, let's shove it. Vanilla Ice, known as a white rapper in the late 1980s, a housemate on the reality show The Surreal Life, and a guy who has kept goatees and Caesar haircuts going way past the '90s has arrested last night after a domestic dispute with his spouse. TMZ reports:

Former rap star Vanilla Ice, real name Robert Van Winkle, was arrested at his home after an alleged altercation with his wife.

Ice was booked by Palm Beach County Sheriff's deputies at 10:43 PM ET on a charge of domestic battery. Sources tell TMZ he got into an argument with his wife, Laura, and he pushed her.

So now, not only do we have definitive proof that Vanilla Ice is a complete douchelord, we also have photographic proof that when you shave stripes into your eyebrows, they do stay like that forever. You were right, Mom! I mean, word to my mother.

* Alternate, equally distasteful title: "Check Out My Left Hook While My Wife Talks Shit."**
** CelebNewsWire does not condone domestic violence. The jokes, they write themselves!***
*** Please don't send us a letter filled with anthrax, Jezebel.com.

Ice Ice Paltrow

Agent E. — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 17:50:16 +0000

Remember the time you heard about the rumored remake of Dirty Dancing that was going to star Ricky Martin and Britney Spears but then it never happened? You thought that was the greatest cinematic missed opportunity in history. Well, you were wrong. That distinction belongs to the never materialized pairing of Gwyneth Paltrow and Vanilla Ice. (OK, so maybe modern-day, golden-showers-loving Ricky and unwashed, Tato Skins-bloated Britney could have surpassed that.)

Back in the early ’90s when Gwyneth was still a fresh-faced teenager of marginally famous parentage she was looking to break into moving pictures and was consulting every script possible. But Gwynnie’s overprotective father saved her from a fate of made-for-Cinemax movies and phone-sex commercials by forbidding her from starring opposite Vanilla Ice in an “overtly sexual” film. She said of her father’s reaction, “One line said something like, ‘My phone number is 555 6969.’ He closed the script and said, ‘Over my dead body!’” We can imagine it now . . .

Vanilla Ice: To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Pip pip.
Vanilla Ice: Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Cheerio old chap. I’m just on holiday from wee Britain.
Vanilla Ice: Dance go rush to the speaker that booms.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I’m not familiar with that line. Is that George Bernard Shaw?
Vanilla Ice: I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom.

At which point Gwyneth would be overcome with passion and lick Ice’s face and forget her thespian pretensions and revert to her southern California accent. Sounds more entertaining than Shallow Hal.

Check out Gwynnie’s talents at MrSkin.com.

CelebNewsWire» Vanilla Ice Archives – CelebNewsWire

Punch That Funky Wife, White Boy?*

Ice Ice Paltrow