CelebNewsWire» Usher Archives – CelebNewsWire

Remember the Time

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:58:21 +0000

Good day to you. Today is July 8, 2009, and Michael Jackson is still dead, as you probably gathered from the huge creepy memorial that was broadcast yesterday. For some unknown reason, we ended up watching the entire thing, start to finish, and even live Tweeted it. If, 10 years ago, you had come to us and said, "In 2009 you will livetweet a televised funeral" we would have told you to get the fuck out of town. Right before we asked you what "livetweet" meant. For those 6 people on Earth who didn't see the Greatest Show on Earth, here's what you missed:

ï Technical difficulties. Lots of them.
ï Janet looking F-I-E-R-C-E in a 1940s get-up, like Bonnie at Clyde's funeral if Bonnie hadn't also died and then attended Clyde's funeral because he did die or something.
ï Jermaine not singing "Dynamite" and Rebbie not singing "Centipede".
ï John Mayer playing a guitar Musak instrumental "Human Nature" while making his patented "blowing a load" face.
ï Everyone on stage expressing their condolences to Michael's mom and siblings, but never his dad.
ï Maya Angelou poem. Duh, it was a somber gathering of luminaries. Of course there would be an Angelou poem.
ï Magic Johnson talking about KFC.
ï Al Sharpton implying that Michael Jackson caused Obama to be elected.
ï Brooke Shields, being the only other cracker onstage other than Mayer.
ï Usher (who was not an usher) in sunglasses singing to Michael's gilded casket which looked oddly like a chafing dish.
ï And then, a dwarf Chaz Bono took the stage and sang!
ï And then, at the very very end, when our faces hurt from chuckling at the overblown pretension of it all, when our bowels were churning uncomfortably, MJ's adorable daughter Paris took the mic and with one tearful sentence: "I Just wanted to say that ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you can ever imagine. And I just want to say I love him. So much" completely made us forget about the pompous spectacle and melted our tarry little black hearts and made us feel horrible for making all the ha-has. Paris touched us. Touched us like her dad touched . . . what? We were going to say "touched us like her dad touched the baby tiger on the Thriller cover." Jeeeeeez.

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Montag Twatt

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:41:37 +0000

You WILL see Heidi Montag nude in Playboy. Just what you always wanted! (Yeeeah!)
Hands off the Brad Pitt. Do not touch the Brad Pitt. That means you, Ann Curry. (Anything Hollywood)
When Megan Fox gets a manicure, she actually gets a pedicure. Get it? No? Click on the link then, Einstein. (The Blemish)
Real Madrid soccer dude Cristiano Ronaldo allegedly let Paris Hilton handle his balls. (The Hollywood Gossip)
Aw, Britney found a nice boy. (Drunken Stepfather)
Cher’s kid, Chastity Bono, is transitioning into a dude. You go Chaz. P.S. Insert obligatory “gonna have a Bono” joke here. (Bitten and Bound)
Part Gollum, part Grinch, and allllllll sexy: Phil Spector without his wig(s). (CelebWarship)
Usher and his wife are splitzo. (Pop on the Pop)
Sandra Bullock likes her tits. Heeeeeey, so do we! BFFS!!!! (Daily Stab)

CNW Junk Drawer: "A Shadowy Flight Into the Dangerous World of a Man Who Does Not Exist."

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 17:29:49 +0000

ï Usher Raymond's life is unnecessarily complicated.

ï OMG, KITT is for sale! For a mere $100K, you can own a 1982 Trans Am that doesn't actually speak.

ï Tori Spelling's new bundle of joy graces People, has mom's original nose.

ï Large-breasted Brit (we're starting to believe that there are no other sorts of Brits) Lucy Pinder shucks bra for a magazine called Nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

ï Pammo Anderson brings back the slo-mo, running-on-the-beach Baywatch cleave ripple. And if you're not down with that, there's a cute puppy, so . . . hey.

ï We don't generally condone violence or the issuing of beatdowns. But when it happens to Joe Francis, we're still going to snicker like Muttley a little, sorry.

ï Suri Cruise: silent naked weave-styling (last item).

ï Halle Berry celebrates getting her Hollywood star with cleavage, as everyone should. Yeah, we're looking at you, John Tesh.

ï Hey, can you maybe answer a question that's been plaguing us for over a year? Why does Pete Wentz always, ALWAYS pose for pictures doing that "oooh, you baaaad" sneer? Is it because an errant fisherman caught him on his hook? Because that's what we're fantasizing.

ï Take a tenderly lumpy journey through the bas relief world of celebrity lipo.

"Oh my God, Tara Reid fell on me."

Agent E. — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 17:20:12 +0000

Sometimes we hear stories that make us wonder why we donít attend more events like club openings in Las Vegas. Then we remember that we werenít invited because we are an ugly and fat nobody and then we cry and cry and eat some Double Stuf Oreos until we hear an embarrassing story about Tara Reid and thank the God of Kabbalah that at least we are not her.

Weíve heard stories of poor surgery-marred Tara Reid being undeserving of Usherís time in the past, but we mistakenly thought that she would get the hint that not even an orgy-loving freak machine like him can pretend to be interested in the slurs coming out of her mouth. But, alas, the quivering pile of cherry Jell-O that stands in for her brain is just too hard to penetrate. According to The New York Daily News, Reid suggested that Usher should write a song about her. Unfortunately ìSaggy Boob Ho-Bagî just doesnít have a good ring to it. A source said that Usher "looked terrified and slowly backed away." And what may be even better than scaring a man who never met a nine-person pile-up he didnít like is the Daily Newsís report of the most-uttered phrase of the night: "Oh my God, Tara Reid fell on me."

Pretend Tara is falling on you at MrSkin.com.

Usher to Tori: You Lick Me! You Really Lick Me!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 May 2005 18:20:30 +0000

Do you remember how frigid and virginal Donna Martin was on 90210? How she made poor greasy David Silver wait for like ten years before she would finally get down to some humping? Well, Tori Spelling is no Donna Martin.

Spelling attended a pre-Kentucky Derby party last weekend, and apparently she's heard all the rumors about Usher just like we have. A source told the New York Daily News, "Tori came over to Usher, who was dancing on a table. She shook his hand. Then she began caressing it, then she ran it all over her face. Then she licked his fingers." We're sure Tori was just lending a helping hand to Usher, as he likely fell off the table he was dancing on hand first into a horse-shaped cake. Tori's very helpful like that. The source said that after the hand licking ceased, Tori lifted up her skirt and tried to join Usher on the table. But her husband, Charlie Shanian, put an end to that. Shanian was "infuriated. He pushed Michael Jordan out of the way, grabbed Tori and took her out of the party." Of course Tori's PR people have denied that any of these antics took place. We're just left wondering how a sweet dewy innocent such as Tori could have fallen to such an Usher-licking low. Then we look back at the beginning of the story, and we see the snake entering Eden. Before encountering Usher, Tori was seen holding hands with Tara Reid. First Lindsay Lohan, now Tori Spelling. Is there any celebrity that Tara can't bring down? We think that Dakota Fanning better keep her eyes peeled and not let Tara into her next birthday party.

And while we're on the subject of Tara Reid, did we mention that she wasn't even invited to said party? A source told MSNBC, "A security guard kept her out, and she did the whole, 'Don't you know who I am' thing, and then a whole crowd outside started chanting, 'Let Tara In! Let Tara In!' So they went ahead and let her in." And even though Tara is reportedly humping the (meager) brains out of Tommy Lee, that didn't stop her from skanking up the joint. "She was going up to male celebrities and trying to cozy up to them, with little success," says the insider. "She kept trying to talk to Usher, but he pretty much ignored her." So Tori Spelling is deserving of Usher's time, but Tara Reid is not. That's gotta hurt almost as much as getting dumped by Carson Daly.

See Tori Spelling's Nude Review at MrSkin.com!

Usher: Crap!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 28 Apr 2005 17:33:38 +0000

We don't know about the rest of you, but we just love for our celebrity autographs to be contaminated with traces of fecal matter. Apparently Usher has doo-doo-loving fans who are just like us.

While Usher may not value his privacy while entertaining piles of bodies in his boudoir, that doesn't mean he enjoys being harassed when he's taking a crap. He recently shared this pleasant experience: "I'm in a stall and this guy is on the telephone and I can hear his conversation. He's talking to his sister saying, 'He's in the stall right next to me . . . I can't right now. You know what, I'll call you back. Don't worry about it, I got it.' And then a few seconds later, a little piece of paper slides under. He says, 'Yo, man, let me get your autograph, man!'" We're guessing that this oh-so-discreet gentleman went on to say, "Yo, man, when you're done with that, give me a sample of what you're working on in that toilet, man," at which point Usher gave the man R. Kelly's phone number.

Smells Like Usher

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 22 Mar 2005 17:10:31 +0000

What ever happened to the days when we wanted people who knew what they were doing to design the products that we use? Why would anyone prefer to wear a shirt designed by P. Diddy rather than someone whoís actually touched a sewing machine at some point in their life? And why would anyone give up a proven classic like Chanel No. 5 for Eau de Usher?

Usher is reportedly taking a break from wearing sunglasses indoors and participating in eight-body pile-ups to release his own perfume for women. An insider reported, "He knows what smells good on a woman and thinks he can come up with a great perfume." This is too easy and we havenít finished our coffee yet this morning, so weíll let you come up with your own punch line about Usherís weenis juice smelling good on a woman.

Usher's Life Sorta Doesn't Suck

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 07 Feb 2005 17:01:36 +0000

A teenage model got a little more than she signed up for when she went to Usher's hotel room. Expecting straight-ahead groupie sex, maybe a social disease or two, she wound up in a tangle of seven naked bodies on a bed, with Usher sitting like a very ripped cherry on top.

19-year-old Joanna Bond was invited back to the singer's hotel room after he spotted her at London's Boujis club. His bodyguard warned her with, "Are you sure you want to go in? Because there are adult things going on…" and Joanna's answer was apparently "yes". She ended up walking into a full-on Greek-style orgy. The story is best told in the model's own inimitable style:

"The blonde girl immediately pounced and started kissing and touching me. As she caressed every intimate part of my body Usher and his mates were making appreciative noises. After about 10 minutes Usher moved in and starting having sex with me. He didn't say anything, I just knew what he wanted. But the blonde was tangled up with us, fondling me, and the combination of the two made the sex explosive. Meanwhile [another model] and the other girl were touching each other's breasts with the remaining guys just watching. Usher didn't really talk much. Everything was instinctive. But he has a fantastic body. He obviously works very hard at it and is very proud of it. His six-pack is amazing. And he's impressively built where it matters, too." (She means his wiener!!!)

After banging Joanna, Usher started barking out instructions and telling her what to do with the other girls. "When he liked what he saw he'd let out an ëOooh yeah!' or ëThat's hot!'" What would a hot models n' singer orgy be without a few clever pop culture catchphrases thrown in to keep the party ~~laughable~~ spicy? Why, just the other day at our weekly CelebNewsWire orgy, our staffers were groaning, "Ba da ba ba ba! I'm lovin' it!" and "You're fired."

Usher: What an Ass(phalt).

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Jan 2005 17:39:10 +0000

Do you wanna know how Usher got such a hot body? It sure wasn't by walking! We thought that the Usher diva moments would be toned down just a wee bit once he dumped that restaurant-bill-hoppin', nipple-barin', assistant-beatin' bag of bones he'd been carrying around, but boy, were we wrong. The boy can't even walk himself down the block.

The London Mirror reported that the "Yeah" man insisted on being driven by a limo from a movie screening to a club. How far away was the club, you ask? Across town? Half a mile? No. Try 200 feet. Once that long, luxurious ride was completed "he kept a shocked VIP audience waiting as his entourage ordered the red carpet to be 'cleared' for his entrance." Apparently Usher "doesn't 'do' pavement." Maybe that's because pavement doesn't have a vagina.

Usher Dumps Naomi. Naomi Bares Nipple.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 18 Jan 2005 17:37:45 +0000

What an upset! We thought Naomi would be the one to dump indoor-sunglasses-wearing Usher, but he beat her to the punch and dropped her for being "boring". Apparently, mauling one's personal assistants and creating big hoo-hahs at restaurants just aren't exciting enough to keep Usher interested. Naomi then struck back with the old "Nip slips are the best revenge."

We previously reported that Usher was the dumpee, and that Naomi found his entourage "too controlling."

However, a snitch from the Usher camp now attempts to set the record straight in the UK's Daily Mirror: "He's furious. Naomi's been going around telling everyone that she was fed up being told what to wear and how to act when out with Usher . . . It's rubbish. Usher's a laid-back guy and wouldn't put with any of that nonsense. It just sounds like sour grapes. The fact is, Usher got bored and she was gutted when he stopped returning her calls, and this is damage limitation."

Gutted she very well may be, but Naomi was still able to reach deep within herself and pull out . . . well, her nipple. During Fashion Week in Brazil, Naomi let her curiously-devoid-of-areola-nipple pop out of her frock while catwalking. Enjoy these pics, courtesy of The Superficial.