ï Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)

ï What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)

ï Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)

ï Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)

ï Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)

ï Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (Cityrag)

ï Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)

ï Britney's still on the loose, and so are her breasts. (Taxi Driver)

ï Kate Hudson says that Matthew McConaughey smells like hot garbage. (Yeeeah!)

ï Sean Young's fun-loving, booze-guzzling ass heads to rehab. And the softcore thriller industry grinds to a screeching halt for 90 days. (IMDb)

ï J. Lo and Corpsey plan to name their twins after the costar of Doogie Howser, M.D. and the plus size hostess of various E! programs. (Daily Stab)

ï Diora Baird makes with the MySpace-style nudie shots. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Nicole Richie plans on getting back down to fighting weight ASAP. Fighting weight being 83 lbs. (Celeb Parasite)

ï In the midst of a family intervention, Britney buys a new Mercedes. Because she can. Suck it, bitches! (GlossLip)

ï Amy Winehouse's mom is a regular ray of sunshine; talks headstones and caskets. (Holy Taco)

This dress, it's confounding. She obviously knows that we and you and God and everyone can see her beans, so what's with wearing nude-hued underwear? It's the sartorial version of the storied mullet of yore–business on the bottom but a party up top. Shit or get off the pot, Uma.

Uma mow mow ma ma uma mow mow! See her NUDE at MrSkin.com.

ï Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

ï Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

ï Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

ï Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

ï I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

ï Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

ï Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

ï Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

ï Cruznett!

ï Gyllenspoon!

I know women who like to have "boy toys" – and actually I could grow into that. I haven't been out with many younger men so I don't now what that's like. It made my job in [the 2005 May-December romance movie] Prime a lot of fun. The freshness, that green boyishness, I felt professionally what it might feel like personally. Why not? To be with a man who hasn't tried every line, who hasn't broken up with a woman every which you can break up with them is kind of nice.

And don't forget the lack of ear hair and/or angina. That's pretty nice, too.

See what you're up against: Uma is nude (and how!) at MrSkin.com.

The beaches across the world were lousy with bikini-clad Hollywoodians this holiday. Even stars like to take advantage of a long weekend, even though their entire lives are long weekends. Lindsay Lohan heeded everyones advice and has obviously been masticating and swallowing and digesting food, and her boobs are the better for it, according to these delightful photographs. Courteney Cox, also a former stick figure, is looking better than she ever has before in a bikini (no seeking, grasping hand from baby Coco in sight, alas). Uma Thurman, while not in a bikini, threw on a one-piece to show these young upstarts that she was doling out the boners while they were still in short pants. And your good friend (and ours) Pamela Anderson even trotted out her old gals while, bafflingly, pulling out her bikini bottom to check out her hoo-hoo. It was a stimulating Skindependence Day, indeed. We loff this country! Yes, friends, when in doubt, make a Yakov Smirnoff joke. Slays 'em every time.

More foxy images of Lindsay Lohan are at MrSkin.com.

Courteney Cox is there, too. Naked.

Uma nude? Yes.

And Pam is there, naturally.

Uma: Ever since I turned thirty-five, the alcohol burns my throat when I swallow. But luckily I've figured out a way to intake liquids through my nipple. See, all I have to do is wear a really low-cut dress when I attend a function and I can usually find a corner to duck into and I just plop the puppy out and hoover a cosmo into my tit. I've already had five tonight. That's why they're so huge.
Guy: Yeah, I'm just going to stand here all night and wait for her hooter to get thirsty again. Whatever it takes, I'm going to see those glorious gazongas before I leave this party.


See Uma's glorious gazongas for yourself at MrSkin.com.

"I felt some trepidation going in, but it was an art movie. It was based on this classic novel set in eighteenth-century France, and the scene was appropriate. When 'Dangerous Liaisons' came out, the scene was sensationalist in this really creepy, voyeuristic way. It made it seem out of character and it didn't make sense to me . . . I certainly didn't want to become a sensational sex symbol."

Neither did we, Uma, but it happened, and we deal with it, OK? When we hear that knock on the door and it's twenty-two internationally famous models and the "America's Sexiest Foxes" nominees, we do our g.d. jobs.

ALL of Uma's many nude scenes are available at MrSkin.com.

"How does anybody do it today? It seems harder and harder to make contact, especially for mature women. "As one who adores the male species, I feel compassionately towards them. I've studied them carefully like a hunter watches its prey. I love all the guys out there."

For those of you who failed the reading comprehension section of your third grade ACT tests, allow us to break it down for you. What Uma is saying here, is that she feels old and desperate and is willing to drop her standards. She's likening herself to a jungle cat stealthily stalking a pack of zebras, waiting to pick off the runty one with the gimpy leg and the psoriasis (what's black and white and red all over?). And you, sir, non-famous you with your balding pate and nail fungus, you are that gimpy zebra. Uma has officially lowered her standards and she can actually be yours.
That is, if you do not cower in fear from her abnormally oversized freak-finger.

Yumma Yumma, naked Uma at MrSkin.com.