CelebNewsWire» Tori Spelling Archives – CelebNewsWire

Tori Spelling Killed Her Father

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 29 May 2009 17:45:14 +0000

Tori Spelling has been responsible for a lot of appalling shit in her lifetime. Tori and Dean: Inn Love. '90s fashion. The tattoo on her husband's arm. Those tits. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, according to her curiously tiny-nosed mother, Candy Spelling, who claims that Tori killed her dad. You heard me. Fox News says:

ìIíve always been trying to work on the relationship [with Tori],î Candy Spelling said. ìI donít know what the anger is. My daughter one day decided that she wasnít speaking to my husband, myself and my son and thatís how itís continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years . . .
ìIt was sad because thatís what killed my husband actually. He just didnít want to live after that. You know, He had done everything Ö he could possibly do for his daughter and she wanted no part of him once he couldnít do anything for her.î

When Aaron Spelling died, he was 83 years old, had oral cancer, and had just had a severe stroke. It's sad to think how much he could have accomplished had his daughter not stuck a knife in his heart and killed him. Who knows? He may have lived to be 83 and a half.

A Natural Beauty Catching Some Rays

Agent E. — Wed, 27 May 2009 18:12:59 +0000

As you sat around your uncle's backyard on Monday afternoon, sipping some Milwaukee's Best and choking down a couple burnt hot dogs, you probably looked up at the wrong moment, while your grandma was leaning down to wipe some ice cream off your nephew's face, and caught a glimpse of something truly frightening: saggy granny boobs peeking out of her Kmart Jaclyn Smith tank top. And you probably thought, "Man, my life sucks. Why can't I be a famous Hollywood celebrity? I bet they're all at fancy, glamorous cookouts surrounded by hot chicks." Well, we're here to reassure you, dude. Not all Hollywood celebrities are surrounded by the best bikini bods you've ever seen. Some of them get a big ol' face full of Tori Spelling.

He Went to Jared . . . Again

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 12 May 2009 17:50:47 +0000

There are certain things you have to replace once a year. The air filters in your car. Your glasses. That bottle of sunscreen. Your Chicago city parking pass. And if you're Tori Spelling, your engagement ring! The spider-like, cavernous-cleaved TV star recently told People that her second husband, Dean McDermott, gives her a new sparkler every year to celebrate their love. According to our own personal gossip jeweler, Female First, Tori said,

"I love the tradition Dean has started. Every year when he slips it on my ring finger, it reminds me of the day he made me his wife and we started our amazing journey together as one."

And every year, she takes the old one off and gives it the finger before drop-kicking it into the garbage disposal. Because nothing says "I love you" like a ten-year-old mining diamonds in the Congo so a warlord won't murder his entire family. Ahhhh, who says romance is dead?

Tori Spelling's Husbo Gives Her Hairpie a Haircut

Agent E. — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:49:48 +0000

We generally don't like hearing about pregnant ladies' cooters. That's just one of those things that should forever remain a mystery, like who shot Biggie and Tupac. So no thanks to Tori Spelling for gushing (sorry about that image there, folks) about her husband giving her knocked up trim a trim. She wrote in her (second!) book:

I wasnít prepared for losing sight of my lower region. Iíd say, ëDean, howís it looking down there? Do I need to shave?í But of course I couldnít shave. So Dean had to shave me. Heíd hold up a mirror and say ëHowíd I do?í Or heíd take a picture with his Blackberry to show me.

Think about that for a moment. Tori Spelling's preggo pussy. Being shaved. By her husband. Who then photographed said pudenda so Tori could inspect it. Yep. We're pretty sure we're never setting eyes on a twat ever again.

And thus concludes genital day on CelebNewsWire. We hope it was as fun for you as it was for us. We would like to thank Tori Spelling, Hugh Jackman, and Britney Spears for making it all possible. No thanks to Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel for not throwing their respective nutsack and labes into the ring.

90210uch

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:49:22 +0000

Tensions are high on the set of the new Beverly Hills 90210, especially between guest stars Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty, and Tori Spelling (who dropped out of the new series). What, are they stealing each other's L.A. Looks sprunching spray and boxy shaker-knit sweater? In her surely entertaining autobiography, Tori claims that Shannen was "arrogant" and "a bad influence" and that at one point back in the 1990s, Jennie even punched Shannen out. Which brings us to today's quote of the day, courtesy of Miss Shannen Doherty:

"We never did (have a fight). I think I would remember Jennie's fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face."

We think we'd remember that, too. The soft candlelight. Jennie and Shannen staring lustily into each other's eyes. The sparkly shimmer of Astroglide lubing up Jennie's fist.

Want to see Shannen Doherty naked? No problem. Go to MrSkin.com.

Tori Spelling Has Beautiful Breasts

Agent E. — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:20:36 +0000

Back in the David Silver days, we were obsessed with Tori Spelling's truly nature-defying tit tunnel. Did she stick a broomstick in there when it was time to clean the house to keep her hands free to do the dusting? If David stuck his 9021-pole in there before Donna's official deflowering, was she still a virgin? But now those concerns have been surpassed by something much more important: Where in the hell did that boob cave come from? We've noticed the unevenness of her boobal area before, but never has the indentation seemed so pronounced. Does it get deeper with every child she births? Every piece of her soul she sells to reality television? But we guess the better question here is, how can we use this boob cave for our amusement? A game perhaps? How about a variation on the popular party game beer pong? Pontoon pong, we'll call it. Every time a player lodges a ping pong ball in Tori's torso dimple, their opponent must suck out some of Tori's breast milk, directly from the source. We expect Milton Bradley to be calling us any second now.

Like what you see? Find more sexy Tori Spelling at MrSkin.com.

Finally! Dustin Diamond To Reveal Secrets of Saved by the Bell!

Agent E. — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:26:39 +0000

You saw his huge (possibly stunt doubled) dong in Saved by the Smell. (We can't remember if that was the real title or a joke, but we're going with it.) You saw him getting dirty (and literally poo-covered) with two ladies and wondered how much they got paid for the privilege. Now you can hear, in his own ghost-written words, about the wild nights on the Saved by the Bell set. Man, was it crazy. Some nights they ate so many Pixie Sticks they could hardly stand up. It was just like SNL circa '78. Reports WENN:

Dustin Diamond will lay bare the behind-the-scenes secrets from his years as Screech on Saved By The Bell in a new book.

The actor, 31, who played the lovable nerd on the U.S. sitcom and its spin-offs from 1989 to 2000, will expose for the first time what Diamond and his castmembers, including Mario Lopez and Elizabeth Berkley, got up to off set.

Behind The Bell, which Diamond will pen with the aid of a ghostwriter, will reveal "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying," reports People.com.

What kind of "sexual escapades" are we talking here? Are we talking Mario Lopez giving Mr. Belding handjobs in the principal's office? Will we learn that Dustin first learned the art of the Dirty Sanchez from Tori Spelling, a.k.a. Violet Anne Bickerstaff? All we know is that we will only be satisfied if somewhere in the tome someone refers to Mark-Paul Gosselaar's penis as the Zack Attack.

Who's the hottest chick from Saved by the Bell? Find out at MrSkin.com.

Spelling Spilling from Womb; Campbell Threatens Same

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:50:15 +0000

'Tis the season for fetii to emerge from their wombs of fame. This past weekend, Jessica Alba grunted and pushed forth little Honor Warren, and yesterday, Tori Spelling made like a hen and laid tiny Stella McDermott. OK! sez:

The former 90210 star gave birth to a daughter on Monday, June 9. Stella Doreen McDermott arrived at 3:13 p.m. PST and weighed 6 lbs 8 oz.

Tori's rep tells OK!, "She's here! She's a healthy baby girl. Tori and baby are resting comfortably."

And in semi-related but way more hilarious and terrifying news, Naomi Campbell says that she's ready to join the infant brigade after recently having a cyst of evil surgically removed from her dastardly ovary. According to Contact Music, Naomi said:

ìNow I can have a child I would like one. Iím even willing to have one without a father. I know that I am ready. I know that with a baby I would change, Iíd calm down."

Either that or the child will mysteriously have a baby monitor-shaped imprint in his smooshy skull after a bout of prolonged squalling.

Tori gets MILFy at MrSkin.com.

Naomi too!

CNW Junk Drawer: Pregnant. Pregnant in Bikini. Not Pregnant in Bikini.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:30:38 +0000

ï Beyonce still not talking on the wedding rumors, but is she also gestating Hova Jr.? (Celebitchy)

ï Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Also pregnant and half naked? Tori Spelling in a bikini. (Derek Hail)

ï Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (F-listed)

ï Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (Cityrag)

ï Rob Lowe's former employees made whoopie in his bed! (The Blemish)

ï Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (Daily Stab)

ï Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis to finally tie the knot. Hopefully she can get on his dental plan now. (PopCrunch)

ï Move over, crabs in Paris Hilton's pubes! Hilary Duff has a scorpion in her pants! Beat that! (Evil Beet)

ï Is Maria Sharapova lobbing it into Camilla Belle? Oh, the intrigue! (Fatback)

ï Toni Braxton is in the hospital. Unbreak her busted heart sac. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Naomi Campbell got banned. Banned like 2 Live Crew. Banned like slap bracelets in 1994. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Tori Spelling Says: "Please Hire Me. C'mon, Please? I Promise I'll Do Good."

Agent E. — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 17:45:13 +0000

Tori Spelling is just begging to land a role in the upcoming remake of Beverly Hills, 90210. She's so eager, in fact, she's practically offering to write the role herself. And she doesn't seem to care how large the part is, as long as it's sexy. Because the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Tori Spelling is sexy, not boob tunnel. People reports:

Tori Spelling would like to return to her old zip code.

The actress has yet to be contacted by the producers of the Beverly Hills, 90210 remake the CW is developing, but Spelling, who played Donna Martin on the original show for 10 years, is ready to step up if she gets offered a role.

"My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I'm sure he will be beaming from above!" Spelling, 34, tells PEOPLE, referring to her father, the show's producer Aaron Spelling. "And I'd love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud!"

So what kind of role does she envision for herself?

"Well, I am a mom now, proud to say, but obviously too young to have a teenager, so maybe I could be one of the main character's young stepmom," says Spelling, who is expecting her second child. "Playing the funny sex ed teacher at the high school would be funny, too, considering Donna Martin was America's most infamous virgin."

Oh, honey. You were born in 1973. If you had a kid at twenty it would be just about fifteen right now. And what do fifteen-year-olds do? Go to high school. You're not exactly young mom Jamie Lynn Spears here.

Tori gets with the caged monkey at MrSkin.com.