"Got some blessed news…a celebration of life and bounty…a newborn conceived…yes, my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together…it's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far…we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and a father, and sheparding him or her through this life……from moms and dads, to family, to community, it takes the best will and support from everyone to raise the healthiest children we have in society…..thanks for bein fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and camila and our child do our best to just keep livin….wow, mcconaughey"

Wow, indeed. But that's our Matthew. He just keeps livin. L-I-V-I-N. This news almost made us forget about that weird threeway he had going with Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal. We are definitely ready to see him use his masculine wiles to steal Kate Hudson's heart in his upcoming film, Fool's Gold. In theaters everywhere February 8th, 2008. Check local listings.

On the other side of the masculine scale (that would be the short, dumpy, womaninzing side), David Spade has also knocked up a female. TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned that a 22-year-old Playboy Playmate is claiming that David Spade is the father of her unborn child. Holy Jamie Lynn!

Jillian Grace, Miss March 2005, is alleging that she had a relationship with the comedian, resulting in her becoming pregnant. Grace was discovered by Playboy after posing for test shots on the Howard Stern show.

Spade tells TMZ, "I had a brief relationship with Jillian Grace. If it is true that I am the father of her child, then I will accept responsibility."

We've never understood how David Spade continually lands super hot ladies. He originated the "____ called. They want their ____ back" joke, which should be cause enough for life-long forced celibacy. Plus, he's David Spade. The only thing we can come up with is that his dick must be as tall as he is.

Gwynnie's mystery trip to the ER may have been due to a problem with a festering fetus. The New York Daily News reports:

Did a pregnancy complication put Gwyneth Paltrow in the hospital?

Husband Chris Martin was seen pushing the Oscar winner into Mount Sinai Medical Center here Monday.

"They looked very serious," a witness tells us. "She looked upset. They went right past everyone and into the elevator. It seemed like they were expected."

Paltrow's rep, Stephen Huvane, declined to discuss what was wrong with the actress, who last year underwent knee surgery. "She's fine," said Huvane, adding that Paltrow had returned home.

But our spy did report that Martin and Paltrow entered Mount Sinai's maternity wing, the Klingenstein Pavilion.

Last August, Paltrow, 35, told an interviewer she and Martin wanted to expand their family, which now has daughter Apple, 3, and son Moses, 1. While Martin wanted to adopt, she said she was open to having "two [babies] in a row, really quick again."

Huvane called speculation about a troubled pregnancy "guesswork at best. This is a private matter not for public consumption."

We guess that shoots our theory to hell. After all, sense of humor implantation is usually relegated to the plastic surgery ward.

Is it possible that international vibrator spokesperson Eva Longoria has a different small, quivering object in her poot shoot? Pagesix.com says they spy a mighty baby bump, but Eva counters that she's just filled to the brim with enchiladas.

"No pregnancy, not yet. I've been cooking and eating, cooking and eating. I keep telling everyone that I've gained 10 pounds just being on strike."

Maybe if the strike continues Eva will balloon to 250 pounds, making her unemployable and therefore unable to further denigrate the careers of perfectly lovable actors like Paul Rudd. Why, Paul Rudd, why?

And, finally, Britney says, "Look at me! Look at me!" by perusing the home-pregnancy-test aisle. Why not, right? She's already tried the failsafe attention getters of teens everywhere–pink hair, head shaving, and public nudity. Plus, Brit really wants to do her part to make Jamie Lynn look sweet and innocent and normal again. And "bipolar barely clothed sister who has no legal right to see her existing children gets knocked up by married stalkerazzi boyfriend" trumps "16-year-old with child" any day.

ï Brad Pitt thinks that orphans come from his anus. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Britney's not the only one who enjoys mama's lollipops in front of Sean and JJ. Only Daddy's lollipops come in a pretty glass container and smell funny. (Yeeeah!)

ï Fergie is coming clean about her dirtied drawers. (Cityrag)

ï Ashley Tisdale's new nose gives you glad tidings. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Britney proves she owns undies. (Taxi Driver)

ï Tony Parker is not just French, he's litigious. Doubly obnoxious! (Daily Stab)

ï Tom Cruise's older children call Katie Holmes "Mom". They call Tom "Intergalactic Overlord Patriarchal Cyborg Unit #6599202B". (Celebitchy)

ï Tara Reid sports a bikini. And what appears to be Ashton Kutcher's trucker hat from 2002. (The Blemish)

ï Monica Bellucci has thingies. They're, like, round things. Kind of pinkish? They're a little bit below her collarbone. You know, whosiwhatsits. (Hollywood Tuna)

"I met Tony at Hyatt Park and we spent wonderful moments together. We had room service. He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain positions and thinks that sperm gives you acne."

Eva and Tony, of course, deny any wick-wetting on Parker's part, telling People:

Tony: "I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Longoria, who took Parker's name this year after their July nuptials, added, "Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband."

Perhaps this Alexandra Paressant can take some lessons in writing the perfect erotic Hollywood hookup tell-all from Dessarae Bradford. I Let Tony Parker Ejaculate Onto My Waiting Face just screams "Pulitzer".

Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby Tony Parker.

If the tape is genuine, it is tipped to become the biggest sex tape unearthed since Paris Hiltonís One Night In Paris.

However, Celebitchy does not suffer fools gladly and gets to the bottom of the situation:

1. You can download a supposed clip from a torrent, but once you try and view it you have to subscribe to a site called ìCelebrity Orgyî to see it.

2. No one who is reporting on this has even seen the tape.

3. The video has not been leaked yet

4. The title of the video suggests they just threw Evaís name in there for good measure.
Itís called ìEva+Longoria+Home+Video+hot+MILF+caught+FUCKING+in+stolen+Sex+Tapeî

If such a tape exists, it should be fairly easy to discern whether or not it's the real Eva and Tony. Just watch for the midget with the vulva tattoo gently guiding the virginal French giant's penis from her belly button towards the correct orafice.

Eva brings the sex at MrSkin.com.

See much more of the blushing bride at MrSkin.com.

"Luckily, we're getting married after the play-offs and then we need to consummate the marriage. I scheduled it that way."

Furthermore, they're marrying on July 7, and Eva says they chose the date because "it's the only weekend we're both off." Man, not touching your spouse-to-be for months and then squeezing a wedding in between playoffs and sitcom shooting, hurriedly timing your much-waited for connubial coitus before the new ABC season? Someone should alert A Wedding Story because this sounds like a dream come true.

Eva will give you a Longoria at MrSkin.com.

TONY Parker's new rap record sounds like unhip-hop to us. The San Antonio Spur and fiancÈ of Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria yesterday released his debut album, "Balance-toi," in which he's heard bragging in French about his lavish lifestyle. Some of the less-than-impressive lyrics translate as: "What, you want to dance? No, it's not worth it. Me, I'll stay on the sofa, enjoying the vibe by raising my arms." Stick to dribbling and leave the rapping to the pros, Tony!

You can watch the video for yourself at Yeeeah!, but we suggest you skip it in favor of a true hip-hop genius.

"Eva and Tony are officially engaged," Longoria's rep, Liza Anderson, tells PEOPLE exclusively. "The couple have never been happier."

Parker, a point guard for the San Antonio Spurs, flew into Los Angeles after his game on Wednesday night and surprised Longoria at her home as she got off work, according to the actress's rep, who added: "The proposal was romantic and perfect."

The couple plans to wed in France next summer in what they describe as a "big, happy ceremony with lots of family and friends."

Longoria told PEOPLE in April she is happiest when in a relationship ñ and said she expects to stay with Parker "forever."

Of course she does, bless her little heart. Pardon us for being twisted cynics with tarry hearts of petrified excrement, but we're pretty sure even Pam Anderson said the same thing after concluding her third Kid Rock nuptials.

Eva does not show beava, but there's a whole lotta cleave at MrSkin.com.

"Everything's fine. A couple stuff happened, but that's nothing. Everything is fine."

Relax, everyone. A couple stuff happened, is all. And a couple stuff is no big deal. One stuff would be a bad sign–one stuff signifies an affair or secret gayness, for example. But a couple stuff? You can get past a couple stuff. Noooo problem.

Get a Longoria! Eva's at MrSkin.com.

"'Eva was devastated when she found out. The blonde was an ex-girlfriend of Tony, and they apparently swapped numbers, but he swears nothing else happened. Eva and Tony are talking right now, trying to work things out.' Longoria told us through her rep, 'My loyalty remains with Tony.'"

Today, the plot thickens, with People magazine quoting yet another source, who says rough patch be damned, the two are completley kaput, but with no mention of blondes:

"They did break up. It's amicable. They are talking and trying to figure the best course of action for their future. They are trying to work things out. It's because of the distance, their demanding careers and not living in the same city. It's been going on for a while."

Listen, we don't really care how or why the two reached the sad and lonely end of their courtship. Receiving this news was like a thousand butterfly kisses from newborn angels that smell softly of creamsicles. No longer will you see nonstop references to free vibrators, carelessly tossed-aside underdrawers, or reaching a sexual climax via the forcible pruning of your crotch forest. We are free! Free from the shackles of Longoria that bind us to the computer, forcing us to come up with new euphemisms for pubes!
Until she finds a newer, younger, greener demi-virgin. Tomorrow, probably.

Get your Eva fix at MrSkin.com.