Tag Archives: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise Totally Rages at Scientology Party
Sing the 1980s commercial jingle for the Pizza Party board game and everyone around you will sing along. Go on. Try it. Nothing puts us in the mood of festive revelry quite like that jaunty little ditty, but if we applied it to a Scientology party, we’d have to change the lyrics to “Party! Creepy [...]
“You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?”
When we heard the words “Bronson Pinchot interview” we assumed that we had stumbled upon a news story from 1988 and we would next be reading about Oliver North. But no, Balki Bartokomous is still a big draw in 2009, especially when he’s telling The Onion’s A.V. Club about what a closeted queen Tom Cruise [...]
Katie Holmes Needs Sex!
We've been assuming that Katie Holmes belongs to that ultra-rare breed known as asexualsóalong with Morrissey and Gary Colemanóand one fling with a turkey baster was enough to keep her snatch satiated for a couple of decades. But it turns out that Katie is just dying for sex. She wants it! She needs it! She [...]
And For That, Twelve Hail L. Rons and Four Our Xenus
Katie Holmes and wee spouse Tom Cruise are just your ordinary, everyday couple. They enjoy watching their child grow. They make it a Blockbuster night. They enjoy meals together. They have spats, they make up. But only after Katie is forced to sit down in a cold dark room and compose a 1000 word essay [...]
Tom Cruise Vacations on the Island of Dr. Moreau
We fear we're starting to suffer from the gossip version of Stockholm Syndrome. Three years ago, had we heard about Tom Cruise speaking the wrong language to a group of Brazilian reporters, we would have had many witty remarks, called Tom stupid in about six different ways, and probably worked in a joke or two [...]
Tom Cruise: Celebrity Mentor
That Tom Cruise, what a Renaissance man. He truly can do everything. He has a perfect, totally believable family. He stars is hit movies. He effortlessly conquered a German accent. Oh wait, he pussed out on that last part, we forgot. But what he can do is save the world, one soulless celebrity at a [...]
With Valkyrie, You'll Finally Get to Laugh at Nazis
So the Tom Cruise Nazi movie. We're pretty sure that not one person on earth has said a kind word about it yet. At this point we think that MGM should just hire a bunch of drag queens to attend every showing of the film and try to turn it into a camp classic. Otherwise [...]
Suri Cruise To Have Male Overlord Competition?
Tom Cruise better ready the chloroform and a really big burlap sack and have his Scientological flunkies track down Chris Klein for a sperm sample, because Tom's son Connor wants Katie Holmes to give him a baby brother. Reports OK!:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have made it no secret that they want more children in [...]
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Also tagged celebrity offspring, celebrity pregnancies, Katie Holmes, Nicole Kidman, Suri Cruise
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Yo Holmes, Blow Ya Later
Will Smith is best friends with Tom Cruise, and you know what that means, right? Weekend getaways to Telluride and discounts on bulk orders of shoe lifts? Well, yes, but it also means he's as gay as a prima ballerina twirling a pinwheel in a field of daisies. According to new rumors, a "notorious Hollywood [...]