Engagements and Disengagements of the Non-stars, with Special Guest Mischa Barton

Agent E. — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 17:22:57 +0000

Surely you are familiar with the name Mischa Barton. She's on that show that's like 90210 but not, and with better and more expensive clothes; she enjoys throwing lawn furniture into pools and pretending she's a lesbian. And if you like truly heinous music you may be familiar with her current paramour, Cisco Adler. He was once engaged to Kimberly Stewart, who sprang forth from the loins of Rod Stewart, some old dude that ladies in the '70s thought was sexy. But now Cisco is engaged to Mischa and Kimberly has ended her two-week engagement to some guy who's even less famous than Cisco.

We told you about the engagement of Kimberly Stewart and Laguna Beach "star" Talan Torriero less than two weeks ago, but the betrothal has already drawn to a close. They apparently realized that they had garnered all of the gossip-rag press that they possibly could and their best bet from there would be to forgo the expensive nuptial process and get cracking on a new two-week engagement. Every month or so each one of them could meet a new pseudo-nobody, get engaged for two weeks, get a bit of ink out of it, then break up. This cycle could keep their names in our brains for the next forty years. And just to mix it up a bit, maybe once a year or so they could get re-engaged to each other. The engagement process has already worked in Talan's favor, as two weeks ago we had no idea who the fuck he was and now . . . well, we still have no idea who the fuck he is, but he now has his own category on CNW. That's gotta be worth something.
And what of Mischa Barton's female biscuit being taken off the Hollywood sex buffet menu? She's been snagged by this guy, possibly the only celebrity hanger-on capable of making Mischa's last toy penis, future Marlon Brando-level bloat bag Brandon Davis, look like a catch. The sad part is that now that Kimberly Stewart is left with the option of picking up some guy named Bulldog at her local biker bar or spending her nights at home with her Buzz-o-matic 3000, she'll probably start to think that she needs Cisco back and initiate a feud with feeble little Mischa. They'll jab carrot sticks in each other's eyes, someone's rib will fracture from the blow of a jutting hip bone, bleached extensions will fly. And all over some greaseball who looks like he works at Jiffy Lube.

Mischa Mischa Mischa at MrSkin.com.

This Week in Celebrity Couplings: Who's Porking Who

Agent E. — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 17:38:48 +0000

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more.

First up, the second Mrs. Beard Cruise, Nicole Kidman. She reportedly has been dating country singer Keith Urban for quite some time now, but she was recently seen wearing a big shiny rock on that all-important finger while shopping in Boston. A marriage between a bobble-headed, overly squinty, paler-than-Casper actress and a short, fashionable country singer that no one outside of the Wal-Mart automotive department has ever heard of? We would be skeptical, but given Kidman's extensive experience in holding together a sham marriage, we give it at least four years.
A union that we do not have such faith in is that between Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero from Laguna Beach. We are not fifteen, so we have never seen said program on the moving-picture box, but our feeble minds have been inundated with images of Kimberly Stewart and her ability to out-slut and under-dress even Paris Hilton. The pair have been dating for less than a week and already know they would love to share upwards of three months in wedded bliss before Kimberly meets some dude with a bed in the back of his van and a camcorder on a tripod that he will use to make her a star, baby.
We were briefly saddened by the break-up of Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen, but we thought the uncoupling would only be momentary and they would be back together in time for her to silently stand by his side at the opening of his next film. It looks like our hopes may be shattered, as Leo was seen making out with Kirsten Dunst at L.A. hotspot Privilege recently. We could not be more against this union if they announced their plans to start adopting orphaned African babies to man the machines in their puppy-euthanizing factory. It is just wrong. A witness to the make-out atrocity said, "You could feel the chemistry between the two. It looked hard for them to take their eyes off one another." Kirsten must have learned some voodoo from Fergie that enables you to get a man who is obviously about eight leagues ahead of you to think that you're the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. That's the only way to explain it.
We skipped over this story the other day because it frightened and confused us, but apparently Diana Ross and Jon Voight are deeply in love. They were set up on a date by Motown founder Barry Gordy and have been inseparable ever since. He's even been approved by her kids. We find this sweet, actually. Voight has had to suffer the indignance of starring in films opposite Dawson and Jenny from the Block, and Ross has recently become the senior set's Tara Reid, so maybe finding love will straighten these kids out.
And we know you've been wondering who Pamela Anderson has been letting in her cabbage patch lately. Kid Rock? Tommy Lee? Stephen Dorff? Wrong on all three counts. Pammy's been sharing her ladybits with America's biggest tool, Mark McGrath. Things could only be worse if she were dating Fred Durst. Or maybe Carson Daly. But at least Page Six was able to zing Mr. Sugar Ray: "The two spent the weekend at Anderson's Malibu home, leaving only to go food shopping. But don't expect this to last too long: We hear McGrath doesn't hold a candle to legendarily endowed Lee." Hahahahahahaha. Sugar Ray has a tiny piece of cane. He's going to need one of Enrique Iglesias's tiny peener covers.
And speaking of Tommy Lee, he seems to be the only celeb not getting any action lately. Lloyd Grove reports that during a recent DJ gig Lee stiffed the waitresses who were attending to him and serving him free drinks all night. When one of the waitresses confronted one of Tommy's flack, he invited her back to Lee's limo to "light up a spliff" and collect her tip. The woman declined and never received her tip. Boy, how the Stolen Honeymooners have fallen. One's boinking the tiny-torpedo'd host of Extra and the other can't even slip a stiffy to a stiffed waitress.

Nicole's nips and other bits at MrSkin.com.

Kirsten's droopers at MrSkin.com.

Is Diana Ross naked at MrSkin.com? You bet your ass.

But not as naked as Pam.

And go to MaleStars.com for the best in Leo, Jon, Mark, and Tommy.

CelebNewsWire» Talan Torriero Archives – CelebNewsWire

Engagements and Disengagements of the Non-stars, with Special Guest Mischa Barton

This Week in Celebrity Couplings: Who's Porking Who