ï Paris says she is getting very, very serious about her acting. And to prove her very, very serious commitment to her craft, she is starring in the very, very serious motion picture The Hottie and the Nottie.

ï Suzanne Somers's home burned to the ground. Her reaction? "YAAAAAY! COOOOOOOOL! HOORAAAAYYY!"

ï Lindsay Lohan went out and partied-as-a-verb a mere two days after her alleged appendix surgery. Yeah, so? What's the big deal? You don't need an appendix to metabolize tequila and blow, DUHHHH.

ï The People's Choice Awards are funny because it seems that no actual People knew that they were happening.

ï DJ AM and Mandy Moore are hooking it up. After riding Nicole Richie for lo, so many years, the womanly softness of the divine Mandy must be like floating on a cloud of baby chicks wearing angora hats. Ahhhh.

ï Britney's new man has a name and a MySpace. Did her vagina tell him "thx 4 the add!!!"?

ï Et tu, Drew and Fab?

ï Is it just us, or has Mr. Blackwell just recycled the same old "worst dressed" list every year since 2000? He's still probably pissed that he can't put Cher on it anymore.

ï We can see right through Mischa Barton.

ï And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

ï Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

ï Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

ï Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

ï Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

ï Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

ï Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

ï The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.