Piven and Dorff: The New Axl and Tommy

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 17:45:49 +0000

If you weren't mingling with Tinseltown's best and brightest and smarmiest at Bungalow 8 last night, you missed quite the little bitchfight between Stephen "Blade" Dorff and Jeremy "Scooby Doo in Where's My Mummy?" Piven. The two allegedly dissolved into a rousing game of "Who's the D-listiest?" and near-fisticuffs after Dorff, obviously coasting on the kind of career high that only starring in a TV mini-series based on a Robert Ludlum novel can bring, violated the golden rule of "no frontsies, no backsies."

According to a spy for Page Six, both thespians were acting like big fat dumb giant d-bags all night, and then Dorff cut in front of Piven in the line to the men's loo, prompting the following exchange:

Piven: "Yo, what are you doing? You know you don't need to cut the line!"
Dorff: "I can do what I want!"
Piven: "No, you can't!"
Dorff: "Yes, I can!"
Piven: "You're a has-been!"
Dorff: "At least I am a movie star – you're only on TV! Cable TV!"

We'd like to offer ourselves up as a neutral third party to look objectively at both men's careers and determine the victor.

Piven
Plusses: Is a midwesterner. Was in Lucas, Grosse Pointe Blank, Black Hawk Down, and Old School. Entourage is insanely popular. Actually had malaria once, which is pretty bad ass.
Minuses: Recently fired by his rep for being an obnoxious tool. Was in Car 54, Where Are You?, Very Bad Things, Serendipity, and Chasing Liberty. Nicknamed "The Pivert" (might actually be a plus). Uttered the much-maligned line "Don't be THAT GUY" in PCU, inspiring generations of frat boy morons to adopt the phrase and spew it, often and with zeal.

Dorff
Plusses: Porked Pam Anderson. Started his career on Diff'rent Strokes and was featured in I Know My First Name is Steven, a.k.a. The Greatest TV Mini-series Ever. Played the dead Beatle. Was in a John Waters movie.
Minuses: Listen, he starred as the oldest son in a syndicated television sitcom that was centered around a zany, wisecracking ventriloquist's dummy named Buzz that offered advice–and racy barbs–to a New Jersey family. Fuck it–we're just gonna go ahead and award the victory to Piven.

Judge for yourself: Stephen Dorff is at MaleStars.com.

And Piven is there too, for certain.

Pam Anderson Wants YOU! (To Impregnate Her)

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 May 2005 17:39:09 +0000

It's true–Pamela Anderson and Stephen Dorff have parted ways. According to their peepz, their relationship "just fizzled out," but we think Pam finally found out that her hunky loverboy used to star in What a Dummy!, a short-lived sitcom about a wholesome American family whose lives are turned upside-down when they inherit a wise-cracking ventriloquist's dummy named Buzz (why are we the only humans who remember this?). But weep not for Pam, pals, she has dusted herself off and, now that she's single, wants another baby! Genius logic.

"Sometimes I think I'd like to have another baby, I mean I really enjoyed being pregnant," the Stacked star states. "I really love children and once you have two, you might as well have ten." A very American attitude! However, Pam does realize that at the ripe old age of 37, her fallopian tubes are growing sluggish, and the silicone from her gargantuan cyberbreasts has probably caused her eggs to become radioactive. "If I do have more kids, I guess it would have to be soon–before I'm 40 . . . I think I have to find a good sperm donor." Got a working peener? Like to toss one off now and then? Then you (yes, YOU!) could be the father of Pam Anderson's brand new baby!

Pam Anderson, nude, at MrSkin.com.

CelebNewsWire» Stephen Dorff Archives – CelebNewsWire

Piven and Dorff: The New Axl and Tommy

Pam Anderson Wants YOU! (To Impregnate Her)