CelebNewsWire» Star Jones Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Harry Potter and the Underaged Bone

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:17:42 +0000

ï Get a black snake bone. Look at Christina Ricci in a bikini. (The Blemish)

ï Keira Knightley was attacked by a wandering expletive-spewer and lived to tell the tale. (Yeeeah!)

ï Being the concubine of Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood is used to standing next to undead ghouls, so she looks right at home beside Mickey Rourke. (CelebWarship)

ï Hilary Swank will gain 30 pounds for a movie role. Which is cool because we also plan on gaining 30 pounds, basically because Totino's Pizza Rolls are on sale at Safeway. Solidarity! (Daily Stab)

ï Ay oh! Oh ay! Whaddaya doin', Samanter? It's Alyssa Milano naked! (Mr. Skin)

ï Another male has willingly placed his wango inside of Star Jones. (Holy Taco)

ï Daniel Radcliffe admits when he was a teen, his magic wand found its way into a cougar's Hairy Pooter. (Derek Hail)

ï Holly Madison take a carefree swing, and tosses out some beav. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Lacey Chabert gives us a party of two. (Fatback)

ï Katie Holmes has the knees of a three dollar hooker. Or that girl Tammy who was voted "friendliest" in tenth grade. (Cityrag)

Et Tu, Star and Al; Kelly and Billy?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:51:51 +0000

Whatever mystical hoodoo has been floating around Famouspeopleland making them get impregnated with twins has soured and is now causing relationships to melt like a Fat Frog in the sun. Kanye West and his fiancÈe have called off their engagement, and today it was announced that two other relationships have shit the bed.

Packing their bags and boarding the S.S. Brokenheart: the pneumatically awesome Kelly Brook and Your Friend Billy Zane! According to our gossip marriage counselor, FemaleFirst, a source said,

"After much soul-searching, Kelly decided that Billy is not the man she wants to marry and has called off the engagement. The split is completely amicable and they remain good friends."

Keep in mind that Billy attempted to put the kibosh on Kelly baring any more of her storied flesh than necessary. We expect a grand, post-breakup coming out for Kelly in the near future. Coming out of her drawers, that is.

And speaking of "coming out", Star Jones has filed for divorce from her waxed and manicured hunk o' man Al Reynolds. She told ET:

ìSeveral years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyoneís life that requires privacy with oneís thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman.î

Al, too, looks to emerge from this period a stronger and wiser woman.

Haven't seen Kelly Brook naked yet? For shame. Bone up at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: Weird and Scary

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 17:13:02 +0000

ï Ashley Olsen thinks paparazzi are "weird and scary". Also, paparazzi thinks Ashley Olsen is "weird and scary". (Female First)

ï Kate Beckinsale does Anna Karina for Mean magazine. Eat your tits out, Lohan-as-Marilyn! (Popbytes)

ï Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (Egotastic!)

ï Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (Taxi Driver)

ï Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Some yahoo called 911 on Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself. Denise Richards, you prankster. (CelebWarship)

ï Heath Ledger never updated his will to include Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (Celebridiot)

ï Button, button, who's got the button? Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Jenna Jameson dresses up as Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (The Blemish)

ï Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (I'm Not Obsessed)

ï Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (Popoholic)

Kevin Federline: Still an Ass; Now with Six Bitches

Agent E. — Tue, 08 May 2007 17:40:59 +0000

You know what we're betting? That you miss Kevin Federline. You've probably been spending your evenings just chillin' in the BK parking lot, where all the straight playas hang, droppin' dope beats and givin' advice on the proper length of manpris. You've probably even been making up your own words and telling everyone it's Portuguese. We know how you do. Well, we've got some good news for you, as KFed showed up at the Kentucky Derby last weekend. Page Six reports:

Downtown at the Stereo party, Kevin Federline was not amused when organizers brought him to a table in the VIP area he deemed was too small and said, "Yo, I need a bigger table – I got six bitches with me."

After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave "shout-outs" to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, "I got four kids already – which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?"

There were no takers, and a spy said Kid started to "tool" on Federline, making fun of him.

We hear at the race itself Federline spied the Queen and confessed, "Damn, bitch is lookin' fine. I'd give her a coupla shorties."

And what else was happening in the club that night? May Anderson's friends were taking pictures of her panties "while Star Jones and Al Reynolds ground hips nearby." Does a sustained retching sound constitute a joke? Cause that's all we've got.

TOTALLY GROSS UPDATE: Yeeeah! brings us picutres of the Star-on-Al action. He seems as disgusted by the prospect as we are.

CNW Junk Drawer: "Be Silent and Make All Physical Movements Slow"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 17:37:55 +0000

ï Large billboards instructing Katie Holmes to make like a silent, slow-moving three-toed sloth arrive at the Cruisian birth chamber. Chilling.

ï And, according to the headline at FemaleFirst, she's about to deliver a bouncing baby iPod.

ï Pam Mamderson is getting a little long in the tooth, and realizes that it isn't proper for mature women to bare their breasts. Instead, they wear see-through shirts. How positively demure!

ï Star Jones babbles about her new boob job, Joy Behar tells her to shut her fat mouth, Star responds by calling Joy a bitch. Finally, a reason to watch The View.

ï With those new fake lips, Jessica Simpson really makes an excellent Real Doll.

ï Whoops, scratch that. Actually, Christina Aguilera makes the better inflatable hump toy.

ï Madonna learns how to . . . c'mon! Krump! Let your body move to the music! Krump! Krump! Let your body go with the flow!

ï Spawn of Affleck . . . revealed! Wait, where are its little horns, its eensy cloven feet?

But If They Fire Her, She Might Get Her Own Show

Agent E. — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 17:35:13 +0000

Is Star Jones being forced out of her co-hosting gig on The View? Does she have big blubber-pinching catfights with Joy Behar? Would any of this ever compel us to actually watch The View? The answer to that last question at least is a resounding no.

The National Enquirer claims that ABC executives are secretly interviewing replacements for the sucked-and-tucked beard. An insider told the tab:

"The producers are looking for someone to take over from Star who will blend in with the other co-hosts. They want someone who will jump into the conversation with their own viewpoint but not be so combative and stubborn as Star has been over the years. All the actresses who have been approached know this is a wonderful opportunity. They are all seriously considering the job because of course it could lead to other big opportunities in the business. Who in their right mind would turn it down? Now it's up to the producers to decide who's the best choice."

One of the reasons behind the reported ousting are Star's frequent on- and off-screen clashes with co-host Joy Behar. We're sure a second reason involves show clean-up crews being sick of all the audience vomit after Star mentions that fake husband Al Reynolds has "the legs of a stallion." Reps for The View deny the rumor, but they're probably just afraid of being bitch slapped by Barbara Walters if they let the news leak. That would be embarrassing. Especially since she would probably ask them how that made them feel afterward.

Star Jones isn't at MrSkin.com, silly. But Jami Gertz is. She played Star in The Lost Boys.

Mating Season for the Jones-Reynoldses

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 17:40:02 +0000

Finally abandoning her dream of engaging in normal, missionary copulation with her husband, Star Jones gives up and gives it to Al the way he usually likes it.

More fun with Al n’ Star here.

Star Jones to Propagate Self

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 30 Sep 2005 17:46:31 +0000

If you felt a twinge of dread upon waking this morning, it wasn't just the realization that your office job is sapping your will to live. It was your brain telepathically picking up the news that Star Jones and her cute, cuddly, closety hubby Al want to have a baby. Good thing Halloween is almost here–she can dress up her vagina as an adult male anus and make those dreams come true!

That was mean, but we are cold, mean, terrible people. Oh, like you didn't know Al was a Friend of Dorothy. Please.
At any rate, Star has plenty of time on her hands now that she's been forcibly yanked off the E! red carpet with a giant novelty hook. And what better way to fill up one's time (and one's hungry, hungry belly) than with a real human baby? The divine Ms. Stahhh says, "I'm 43, and although my body is still capable of carrying a baby, maybe, I'm not sure that it will be an easy process . . . We both decided that if it doesn't happen naturally, that adoption is the definite way for us to go. So we know that if we wanted to have children . . . we would bring a baby into adoption and it would be born in our hearts–and would be the most spoiled kid in the world, you better believe it!" Oh, we believe it!
Furthermore, expect Star to keep bringing home the bacon while Al stays home and plays Mr. Mom. A friend of the Jones-Reynoldseses told the Enquirer: "Star wants so much to be a mom that Al sees himself holding diapers and bottles all day instead of a calculator and business spreadsheets like he does now." And we're pretty up on the hip lingo of the gay community, so we can tell you exclusively that "calculator" and "business spreadsheets" are codewords for "Robbie Williams CDs" and "new Williams-Sonoma catalog".

MrSkin.com does not have naked pictures of Star Jones, thank the good lord. But they do have nudes of Cate Blanchett. She's pretty!

PETA Vs. Star

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 02 Mar 2005 17:31:56 +0000

We at CelebNewsWire are not generally in the business of poking fun at Star Jones (or Star Jones Reynolds if you want to get picky about it). We think she makes a joke out of herself without any help from us. But when the Bridezilla fears that the public will confuse her with a six-foot-tall drag queen, well, we can't pass that up.

Star likes fur. Al Reynolds may in fact be a fur coat with a human mask propped on it (he certainly has the personality of one). PETA doesn't like fur. They like to throw paint on people who wear fur. They also like to piss off celebrities who don animal skins. To get Star's panties in a bunch they could have staged a protest outside of The View's studio, but then they might have actually had to see part of the show, and nobody wants that. So instead PETA hired a drag queen to impersonate the portly protuberance in advertisements. And Star is so worried that people will think that Flotilla DeBarge is actually her that she's sicced her lawyers on the animal-rights group. C'mon, honey, we're sure you're manlier than some drag queen. Let's just hope that PETA doesn't use Flotilla in an "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" ad. They already subjected us to David Cross's hairy ass in such a campaign; we don't think our heart could handle someone who resembles Star Jones in any way stripping out of their Payless shoes and designer gown.