You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day . . . it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways — indoors, outdoors, upside down.

Man, 20 to 30 times a day? How do they find the time? We’d think that famewhoring would take up at least 90% of their day. Maybe that deal they made with the devil included erasing the need for sleep.

Follow us on Twitter and maybe we’ll tell you how many orgasms we have a day. Probably not. But we will definitely tell you how many craps we take a day.

[The photos are] beautiful art. Not, like, Picasso art – real beautiful art, you know what I’m saying?

[Playboy] kind of had a vision… and we brought in Matthew Rolston, who is a very well-known, amazing photographer. So, it’s more art.

Decades from now, art museums will finally see the light and throw big ol’ turds like Guernica and The Old Guitarist right in the trash bin and replace them with giant nudes of Heidi Montag. There will also be monuments to her beauty in every town square, and America will be renamed Heidionia.

Britney Spears had reportedly contacted Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to learn more about Scientology.

The singer is apparently interested in using the controversial faith to help her come to terms with her recent problems.

According to Heat, Spears told a friend: "I have met Katie a few times, so I called her up and just started asking questions about Scientology. I'm always open to new things.

"Katie told me she wasn't so sure about it at first either, but once Tom explained it to her and she read the books and took some classes, it really started to work for her.

"Then Tom wanted to talk to me about it, so I did. He was nice and answered all my questions and sent me books."

Cruise has reportedly encouraged celebrities including David Beckham and Kirsten Dunst to discover Scientology.

Yeah, that's exactly what Britney needs, to believe in alien overlords and e-meters. We think she was better off thinking that all of her problems would be solved by a $25 piece of red string.

But Tommy's sage advice doesn't stop at the Brit. He's also trying to help Spencer Pratt. Unless Tom's trying to help him onto a deserted island with no cameras or internet service we're not really interested. E! reports on something called The Hills After Show (because watching the show just isn't enough; now you must watch people talk about watching the show):

There are a lot of confusing things about The Hills After Show, like where does host Dan Levy (Eugene's son) get his clothes? Is cohost Jessi Cruickshank related to Shenae Grimes, by any chance? And seriously, how does this show even exist?

But last night they bewildered us even more when they somehow managed to drag Tom Cruise into the whole Speidi faux-marriage mix by asking him if it was it cool for Spencer to make Heidi elope when she wanted a big wedding.

Well, sorry, Spence, but Tommy-boy does not approve. "If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta give the wedding," he says. "But you'll learn that later."

Looks like Pratt is listening. "You all know how I feel about big weddings, but if Tom Cruise says so, it must be true," he responded to Usmagazine.com, adding, "If Tom's the best man, we'll have a big wedding!"

Poor Heidióthere goes her shot at a big bash.

That's pretty low to sink, even for Tom Cruise. What's next? Will he weigh in on whether Tila Tequila should choose dong or clit? Help the Duggars come up with a name for the 18th kid?

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 19, Us Weekly reports in its newest issue (the published date of Thursday, Nov. 20 was misreported). See exclusive photos wedding photos in Us Weekly's new issue, on stands Wednesday.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

That's funny, because the minute we heard this story, we couldn't stop dry heaving and shitting uncontrollably.

Let us never speak of them again.

See sexy pics of Heidi Montag at MrSkin.com.