CelebNewsWire» Solange Knowles Archives – CelebNewsWire

Solange Fall Down Go Boom on Twitter

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 17:02:31 +0000

She's not a huge superstar, but we know a thing or two about Solange Knowles. We know she's a singer. We know she's Beyonce's sister. We know she did not bleach her baby. And we know that her Twitter is the greatest thing we've ever read. It's better than Ulysses, the Old Testament, and Blubber combined. Last night Solange one-upped Erykah Badu Twittering the birth of her child, and Twittered her harrowing airplane overdose on over-the-counter nasal decongestants. Make yourself a nice cup of tea, curl by the fire, and watch the terror unfurl:

think im certified loosing it on nyquil. going to sleep before i start freestyling on the plane.
about 11 hours ago from web

omg i didnt know nyquil could do this to you.i took the pills tho.cant stomach cough syrup.trying to be proactive on this flight.
about 11 hours ago from web in reply to Krucial

i still jam doobie ashtray like it jus came out.think im gonna add it in my show.maybe a whole champagnechronic doobie ashtray thingy?
about 12 hours ago from web

Never taking nyquil again. I feel so wierd.
about 7 hours ago from mobile web

Woaah…… How'd I end up in the hosptal?
about 4 hours ago from mobile web

Woke up to 8 random people over me, laid out on the floor in baggage claim!
about 4 hours ago from mobile web

Guess I passed out! Scary. Hooked up to IV now . Apparantly I'm super dehydrated.
about 4 hours ago from mobile web

I've never passed out before. Shit was like the movies. People standing over me saying "hello". I've been embarrased enough today.
about 3 hours ago from mobile web

I'm out! Yay!
about 3 hours ago from mobile web

Exciting! Solange might want to consider selling this to Searchlight. Coming soon to theaters: FAINTED. Adapted from a series of Twitters by Solange Knowles. It's better than Juno!

P.S. don't miss the sequel: Solange and the Chamber of Secret Nipple Slips, or Solange Knowles Breast.

Thanks Solange, But What Advice Does Juno Have for Jamie Lynn?

Agent E. — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 17:43:45 +0000

Jamie Lynn Spears has a dearth of responsible role models. Her millionaire sister lost custody of her kids to a jobless wigger, and her mom is the classic stage mother, which probably directly contributed to the former. So we suggest that Jamie Lynn take the advice of Solange Knowles. Seriously. There is probably not one other person on the planet who knows exactly what it's like to be the overlooked kid sister of a singing superstar and get knocked up in your teens. So listen up, little chickadee, cause Solange is laying it on ya, via Us Weekly:

Solange Knowles knows the challenge of being a famous teen mother.

Knowles, now 21, welcomed son Daniel in 2004 at the age of 18 (she split with husband, former college football player Daniel Smith, after the baby was born).

"I'm sure a lot of people perceived that I was gonna be a young, irresponsible mom," Knowles told Usmagazine.com during a recent visit.

But Knowles pointed out, "I think that there are some moms who are 35 who are just as irresponsible."

What advice does she have for the 17-year-old mom-to-be Jamie Lynn Spears?

"You just have to make the best decisions for you," Knowles said. "You have to decide what's best for you.

"Who are we to say what's right and wrong for a person?"

To focus on raising her son, Knowles said she "moved to the country for a year" without any nannies or babysitters.

"My parents lived on a whole opposite part of the world," she said. "My son has been my focus ever since the day he was born."

"He's been the light of my life," she added, "the inspiration behind everything."

Good parenting, not letting grammy tell the kid what to do, focusing on the child, yada yada yada. But Us Weekly is refusing to report Solange's most sage piece of advice to young'un Spears: "Whatever you do, don't bleach your baby. They'll never let you live it down."

One Knocked-up Knowles, One Bleached Baby Knowles

Agent E. — Wed, 26 Oct 2005 17:34:56 +0000

Today you get twice the Knowles family baby talk for your booty-shaking buck. First up, Beyonce may be carrying the Lil Romeo-esque spawn of Jay-Z. And as a bonus, forgotten non-gold-record-making younger sister Solange has been accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby. That's right: bleaching her clubfooted baby. We've got your attention now.

Because Beyonce is hotter and has a nicer ass and is way more famous than her poor lil sis, we'll start with her. She's been spied recently with a rounded tum tum, or a "bump" as they like to say in Star, and rather than assume that she ate a few too many fried shrimps and onion rings, those catty bitches at FemaleFirst assume that she must have a little rumptastic munchkin stowed away in her lady parts. This follows rumors that Beyonce and Jay-Z are secretly married, a la Janet Jackson and Rene Elizondo. But after Beyonce witnessed her sister Solange give birth, she concluded that shit was gross and said, "I ain't having no baby!" Perhaps, also like Janet, Beyonce will disappear for about nine months and we'll hear about the secret baby in eighteen years, soon after Beyonce is caught on tape playing "Crazy in Love" on her ass.
But on to the bleached, clubfooted baby. Knowles family matriarch Tina is trying to track down the source of the hurtful yet hi-larious rumor about Solange's one-year-old son, Daniel. Tina sez, "It was on the Internet that my grandchild had a clubfoot and my daughter Solange put him in a bariatric chamber to bleach him. I was furious because my child was crying." What is with this family, anyway? Is there any lesson they didn't learn from a member of the Jackson clan? Making memorable videos with werewolves and crotch-grabbing, writing songs like "Billie Jean", posing for magazine covers with some dude's hands covering your breasts–these are all good things to take away from the Jackson family legacy. But secret marriages and offspring and bleaching skin for that fashionable barber-pole look, these are not things to be duplicated. We just hope that once Jay-Z becomes an honorary Knowles he won't take to inviting Culkins into his bedroom and serving them Jesus Juice.

Beyonce's non-rounded tum at MrSkin.com.