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Nicole Kidman Claims Secret Perversity

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:46:54 +0000

Once the most famous and respected actress on the planet, Nicole Kidman kind of an afterthought now that she’s shot so much botulism toxin into her face that crows are coming to nest under her rigid brow line. But don’t think of her as some sexless totem pole carved out of wax; The Daily Mail (via PopEater) reports that Nicole is, in the immortal words of Usher, a lady on the streets but a freak in the bed:

“I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,” she reveals.

The actress says although she’s been through “mundane” relationships, her marriage to Keith Urban is anything but.

“It’s a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you’re very much out at sea. You’re exposed. You could drown.”

Boy, is that ever the truth. Marriage to Keith Urban is like a walk on a tightrope. We heard that once he went 3 entire weeks without touching up his highlights. He almost died.

David Duchovny Says, “I Swear, I Don’t Like Sex That Much”

Agent E. — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:44:29 +0000

Totally cured and committed to his wife sex addict David Duchovny claims that he’s a total prude on the set of Californication. Which is kind of like Lindsay Lohan claiming that she’s the NarcAnon pusher in her social group. The San Francisco Chronicle says:

He tells Rolling Stone magazine he’s actually quite conservative, and often challenges the writers of his sex-fueled TV show “Californication” when he thinks they’ve gone too far.

He adds, “I’m the one to say something is too crass. I turn into the house prude. I’ll say, ‘This is just nasty!’”

Man, the people working on Californication must be complete sexual deviants. What kind of stuff is being proposed for the show, ear fucking? Some sort of extreme taboo combo, like sex with a dead dog that your mom insists you refer to as your brother? Cause that would be gross. Or funny. Whichever.

Also gross and funny? Our Twitter. Please follow!

Gross Topic of the Day: Heidi Montag’s Orgasms

Agent E. — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:12:08 +0000

Some days we just want to watch you suffer. That’s why today is filled with Hannah Montana’s cherries, tales of Jon and Kate, and now Heidi Montag’s sex life. Yay! Maybe if you’re lucky we can scare up a story about Denise Richards’s bowel movements. Anywho, Heidi’s Playboy pics have hit the web (we won’t post ‘em due to our overwhelming fear of men in expensive suits, but you can see them at Hollywood Tuna), and—surprise!—there’s no actual nudity. Maybe, MAYBE, a tiny bit of butt crack, but not really. But the accompanying interview, that shit’s gold. If by “gold” we mean “horribly disgusting piles of upchucked sweet corn.” If you don’t want to know what a wonderful, expert lover Spencer Pratt is, stop reading now. If you do want to know, you’ve got moxie, kid. Spencer conducted the Playboy interview, in which Heidi said:

You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day . . . it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways — indoors, outdoors, upside down.

Man, 20 to 30 times a day? How do they find the time? We’d think that famewhoring would take up at least 90% of their day. Maybe that deal they made with the devil included erasing the need for sleep.

Follow us on Twitter and maybe we’ll tell you how many orgasms we have a day. Probably not. But we will definitely tell you how many craps we take a day.

Lindsay Lohan Sex Toy Fantasy Ruined by Presence of Sam Ronson

Agent E. — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 17:04:18 +0000

Let's take a minute to pretend it's 2004. You're looking hot in your Uggs and knit poncho, and Lindsay Lohan is nothing more than a talented teen actress with huge knockers. If our 2009 self had approached you then, stepping out of our futuristic third-generation Prius and showing off our iPhone 3G and told you that one day in the future Lindsay would be a lesbian but it would totally not turn you on AT ALL, would you have believed us? Of course not. Back then you would have thought that lesbian Lindsay Lohan was one of the hottest things that could ever happen to the world. But of course that was before you'd ever seen Sam Ronson. But since you are now in 2009, you will recoil at a story about Sam buying Lindsay sex toys for her birthday. Says our own personal pocket pussy, FemaleFirst:

A source said: "Samantha presented her with a gift guaranteed to create lots of buzz – a big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys selected by herself. She spent hours shopping Hollywood's erotic emporiums for the items."

After giving her the present, the couple returned to Samantha's Los Angeles home to celebrate the actress' special day.

They always say that comedy is all about timing, but this proves that everything in life is all about timing. The addition of five years takes the words "Lindsay Lohan, lesbian, and sex toys" from the ultimate beat-off fantasy to something more akin to your meth head cousin's sex tape.

Shia the Beef Not Poking Mommy with His Salami

Agent E. — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:42:29 +0000

Shia the Beef thinks you're a dirty, deranged pervert. Yes, YOU. Because you read that one story where he called his mommy a sexy, sexy bitch and you immediately thought, "Shia the Beef is obviously slipping the beef to his madre." Not us. Nope. We thought, "Shia the Beef would like to slip the beef to his madre, but he is a slave to social conventions." We didn't jump to conclusions like you pervs. But now the Beef is trying to clear it all up, saying:

It was Motherís Day coming up and I donít have any problems appearing crazy to make my mother smile, but she is the most beautiful woman on this planet and I love her. Sheís fly as hell. I stand by that. My momís awesomeÖ.I think the sickness is also on the other end to be able to twist the words and make it as ridiculous as that. Clearly, Iím not having sex with my mother. Itís ridiculous.

Well, clearly. We knew that Michael Bay was pissed about Paramount's failure to promote Transformers: Revenge of the Whatever (Is that a low-budget indie movie? We've never heard of it), and having Megan Fox blab and blab about about wanting to bone Angelina Jolie is an interesting approach to movie marketing, but this is the oddest angle ever. Bay must have really been thinking ahead, telling the Beef, "Say something really perverse that will disgust the public. Like something about learning about female anatomy from studying naked pictures of your mom or something, then right before the movie comes out, you can say it was taken out of context and tell every9one they're sick and twisted for thinking such things about your mom. That's sure to sell tickets to a robot fight flick."

Katie Price Needs Her Clittle Diddled

Agent E. — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 17:41:33 +0000

We really don't care about the divorce of Katie Price, a.k.a. Jordan, a.k.a. that British lady who supposedly took out her fake tits a while back but still has knockers roughly the size and density of a pair of really round watermelons. Her husband will probably be far happier once he accepts his totally totally gay love for his waxer. But Katie is finding it difficult to wrap her cooter claws around an acceptable man. FemaleFirst waxes on:

Katie Price is desperate for sex, but can't find a suitable man.

The British glamour model is currently enjoying a wild holiday in Ibiza after splitting from her husband Peter Andre last month.

Since she got to the Balearic island – accompanied by eight friends and a TV crew who are filming her for a new reality series – Katie has been out drinking and reportedly kissed two men, though she has complained she misses sex.

She reportedly told friends: "I'm randy. I need a shag, it's driving me mad."

We think that if Katie's going to get ker kitty petted any time soon, she needs to go in for a bit of a gaydar tune-up. Because if this is the kind of guy she wants to service her snatch, that thing's gonna get mighty dusty.

This Is Not a Rihanna Sex Tape, but You'll Watch It Anyway

Agent E. — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:58:42 +0000

So. Rihanna. You think you saw her naked, right? We’re not so sure. We still don’t trust nudie pictures without a face. Just too sketchy. But we’re willing to leave it open to debate. Maybe the intention of those pictures was to keep us guessing. Maybe Chris Brown has a really rare fetish wherein he likes his naked chicks decapitated (at least we hope that’s rare). Who knows. But this. This we don’t buy. AT ALL. After the cut is a short clip that is reportedly from a Rihanna sex tape. But honey, no. This here is some chick from the Bronx whose boyfriend said, “You look like that Rihanna. She’s hot right now. I could make a lot of money if you let me tape us having sex. I’ve got this sweet camera from like 1999. I swear I’ll buy you shit when I make lots of money off of our fake Rihanna sex tape. You like candy necklaces, right?” Watch the NSFW clip yourself after the cut.

"Sometimes I will endanger my own life to pleasure a woman"

Agent E. — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:15:49 +0000

Just a few days ago, we were feeling sorry for undercover baldie Bret Michaels. The world discovered that he's a worse lip syncer than Britney Spears and he almost got decapitated by set dressing. (We still think Sebastian Bach's Broadway connections may have been calling in a favor.) But today there's no feeling sorry for the man. He's an idiot. He went yammering on about how depriving his body of insulin is better than Viagra. When Elle asked if his diabetes affects his sex life, he said:

The only time it will ever affect you in bed is if you have extremely low blood sugar and you go into insulin shock, at which point you wonít be standing up, let alone performing sex. However, I will sometimes hold off on the insulin, which will jack my blood sugar level up to the low 200 range. Itís like how a prizefighter will want to go into the ring with his blood sugar levels high. It gives you the stamina of a bull. So, yes, sometimes I will endanger my own life to pleasure a woman.

Great thinking, Bret. And if someone told you that slitting your throat and pumping away until the life is almost totally gone from your eyes was really awesome, would you do that too? Maybe you should read a little about the death of David Carradine.

P.S. If you have some time to kill, do a Google image search on Bret Michaels. A beautiful, beautiful man awaits you.

Katie Holmes Needs Sex!

Agent E. — Thu, 28 May 2009 17:55:04 +0000

We've been assuming that Katie Holmes belongs to that ultra-rare breed known as asexualsóalong with Morrissey and Gary Colemanóand one fling with a turkey baster was enough to keep her snatch satiated for a couple of decades. But it turns out that Katie is just dying for sex. She wants it! She needs it! She craves it! And Tommy just won't give it to her. Awwww. A Chatty Cathy blabbed:

Katie has become noticeably more miserable in the last few months. She finds it incredibly taxing to lead a life that revolves around Tom but that doesn't include enough intimate time with him to be genuinely fulfilling. She doesn't just want to go to red-carpet events with him. She always feels like she's competing for Tom's attention.

First off, the subject of Tom and Katie having sex is about as repulsive as that TV show we once saw about the world's largest tumor. But if Katie were so bold as to disregard her contract and beg Tom for some pumpin', we think it would go a little something like this:

Katie: Tommmmmm, I'm horny. Pleeeeeease have sex with me. Just this once? Pleeeease? I'll try really hard to get pregnant so it won't be wasted for you.

Tom: (Reaches into a drawer, then tosses Katie a dildo.) You don't need me. Use this. I don't have time for sex anyway. I have to get to Barney's. Will Smith and I are shopping for sunglasses.

Brooke Shields Wishes She'd Been Sluttier

Agent E. — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:00:39 +0000

Hey teenagers, Brooke Shields has some advice for you: Start humping now, lest you regret your prudishness later in life and say to yourself, "Man, I should have fucked more!" Brooke may have played a prepubescent prostitute in the flickers, but in reality she didn't give it up until she was 22. If she could do it all over again, she totally would've been railroading the football team. She said:

I think I would have lost my virginity earlier than I did at the age of 22. I had the public and all this pressure, and I wish I had just gotten it over with in the beginning when it was sort of OK.

We bet this makes for nice family discussion time. Daughter: "Mommy, what's your biggest regret in life?" Brooke: "I really wish I would have started having sex at thirteen, fourteen. Man, that would have been fun. I had so much energy back then! Now honey, I want you to learn from Mommy's mistakes. If you haven't popped that cherry by the time you hit high school, you will live a life of regrets."