CelebNewsWire» Seal Archives – CelebNewsWire

Karl Lagerfeld is Kind of a Dick

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 17:57:57 +0000

Heidi Klum and Seal are, next to Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek and that one time Bai Ling dated Nick Carter, our favorite celebrity couple of all time. They are funny, they make tons of cute babies, and they throw the most kickass Halloween parties ever. So it bums us out that Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld seems to have it out for Heidi. A few months ago, he fluttered his fan and said Heidi was a nobody in the world of high fashion. Easy for you to say, Anorexic Mozart! Now he's attacking Heidi's husband Seal, mocking his scars. According to Celebitchy, Lagerfeld said,

ìI am no dermatologist but I wouldnít want his skin. Mine looks better than his. He is covered in craters.î

OK, fashion guy, we realize that we're in a recession and maybe people aren't buying $10,000 luggage tags like they used to, but Seal had a serious disease called discoid lupus erythematosus. It's a good thing Christopher Reeve is dead or Karl would be cramming sticks in his chair wheels and picking up a limp hand like, "Hey, Superman! Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself? Hahahahaha!"

SealKlum Baby, One More Time

Agent E. — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:05:32 +0000

Yesterday we heard that Angelina Jolie might be gestating another batch of infant perfection (which, btw, we're sure is bullshit, but we're rolling with it today because we feel like it, so shut the hell up). But today Heidi Klum is all like, "Oh, is that how it is, bitch? I don't think so. You're about to get FACED!" Reports E!:

Sources confirm that the supermodel mogul is expecting her third child with music-man hubby Seal.

The couple has two sons together, Henry G¸nther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, 3, and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel, 2. Seal is also the adoptive father of Klum's daughter, Helene "Leni" Klum (who turns 5 on May 4), whom she had with Italian businessman Flavio Briatore.

A source tells me that Klum, 35, is a little less than four-months pregnant.

With a whole month-and-a-half lead, Heidi's definitely got an advantage here. That is until Angelina shows up on the cover of People with the litter of 12 babies she gave birth to. Showing up Heidi and Octomom in three short trimesters is sure going to feel good.

Project Topless

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:11:56 +0000

"Oh, you think you can take off your bikini top in a glamorous locale with photographers snapping away? You think you can get away with that, Cindy Crawford? Well, guess what, trick. It's judgment day. Ka-BOOM! Want a big plate of sp‰tzle? Off comes MY bikini top. You like that, Crawford? I'll show you what supermodel shirt-suckers are all about! You're OUT! YOU'RE OUTTTT!"

There's a naked lady named Heidi Klum after the cut. Take heed.

Heidi's all, "one minute you'ah EEN your top, and the next, you'ah OUT." And then Seal says, "We're never gonna survive unless we get a little topless." And then Heidi comes back with a "Auf Weidersehen to my clothes!" And Seal is like, "Baby, I compare your naked boobs to a kiss from a rose." And then Heidi is like, "I haff run out of cathphrases." And Seal muses, "Truly. As have I."

(Pics via Posh 24.)

And for more naked Heidi Klum, go to MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: Biel 'Brella Bashes Like Britney

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 17:39:19 +0000

ï Now that it's raining more than ever/know that Biel still hates the paparazzi/You can get beat by her umba-rella/You get beat by her umba-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay. (Egotastic!)

ï Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)

ï Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)

ï Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)

ï Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)

ï Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)

ï And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)

ï Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)

ï Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)

Wonderland! Wonderland! It's Johan Klum Seal!

Agent E. — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 17:40:58 +0000

This morning we saw the first pictures of Heidi Klum and Seal's new son, Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel. It was sort of like looking at one of those Knifestlyes of the Rich and Famous spreads in Star Touch or In Weekly or whichever, where you try to figure out just what's different between the two pictures, the snaps in this case being Johan and Heidi Seal's first son, Henry. We were going to make a joke about nicknaming Johan "White Henry", but then we had a vision of ourself encased in fire and chanting "Yes Satan" and we thought better of it.

Find more Johan pics at Mollygood.

And Heidi can be found naked at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: No Bra? Ono!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 17:43:45 +0000

ï Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

ï Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

ï Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

ï Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

ï Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

ï Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

ï SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

ï Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

ï Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.

CNW Junk Drawer: Scars on Titties and Whiskers on Kittens

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 17:27:31 +0000

ï Pink promises that for one day only, her wedding day, she will "be a girl". But after the ceremony is over, the dress and all its frilly, lacy trappings will come off, the foot-long silicone strap-on will come out, and Pink will bend her new husband over their marriage bed and show that little bitch who wears the pants.

ï Heidi Klum probes her husband.

ï Which one's cuter?: Mischa Barton with a kitty! Awww! Awwww! Awwwwwwwwww!

ï 50 Cent will let his little boy mock murder people and watch porno, but cussing's where he draws the line.

ï Lindsay Lo-ho and Keanu Reeves might be heading for a shack-up. One can only imagine the stimulating conversations these two have.

ï Nip slip? Bah. Lip slip? Soooo two days ago. Rhona Mitra goes next level with an implant scar slip. Jealous, bitches?

ï Sorry, boys! Elton John is officially off the market!

ï The terrorists will never win when we have freedom on our side! Freedom, and Alyssa Milano's breast.

Paparazzi Beware: You Don't Fuck with Seal.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 10 Jun 2005 17:15:51 +0000

Seal, Heidi Klum, her mother, and daughter Leni were swarmed by paparazzi two days ago when they were atttempting to enjoy a family meal at a New York City eatery patio. An enraged Seal charged the group, barked, clapped his flippers together, and balanced a shutterbug on his nose for a full five minutes before Heidi showed her appreciation by tossing him a few herring that she kept in a bucket by her feet.

Stars are sick of intrusive paparazi and they're not gonna take it anymore! First, Cameron and Justin sued a bunch of 'em. Then Reese Witherspoon called the cops on them, and Lindsay Lohan tried to outrun them in her car. Seal took it a step further and attacked the snappers with his meaty, manly bare hands when the vultures got too close to adorable little Leni. The crooner had to be physically restrained by several onlookers, lest he finish the paparazzo off, Mortal Kombat style. Let this be a warning to all pushy photogs out there: Even seemingly mild-mannered purveyors of adult-contemporary craprock have vitriolic lava bubbling through their veins. Watch yo ass!

Heidi is deliciously, delectably naked at MrSkin.com.

Seal, thank Christ, is not naked, but you can see the papparazzi scuffle here.

Klum Marries; Celebrates by Posing Nude, Preggers

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 11 May 2005 17:40:36 +0000

Heidi Klum is now officially Mrs. Heidi . . . uh . . . Mrs. Heidi Seal. She wed her adult contemporary crap-pop crooner in a ceremony in Mexico yesterday. Take THAT, RenÈe and Kenny Chesney! In your face!

Those two crazy lovebirds got engaged in December of last year, when Seal flew his supermodel superlover to an icy mountaintop and proposed to her in an igloo. Yes. An igloo. They tied the knot yesterday at the Cuixmala resort near Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. The bride wore Vera Wang, the groom wore a faceful of scars.

And Heidi is celebrating her new marriage in a highly traditional fashion: by planning to pose naked! Whoo-hoo! A loose-lipped friend blabbed that Klum is keen to show off her swollen, pregnant bod, and is shopping around for takers. "Heidi loves her pregnant shape," says the source. "She's open to offers from decent magazines who might want to do a pregnant shoot." Decent magazines? Dang, I guess we won't be seeing her in Big Black Butt or Furry Femmes or Jane, then.

Heidi Klum! Nude! At MrSkin.com!