Tag Archives: Scientology
Tom Cruise Totally Rages at Scientology Party
Sing the 1980s commercial jingle for the Pizza Party board game and everyone around you will sing along. Go on. Try it. Nothing puts us in the mood of festive revelry quite like that jaunty little ditty, but if we applied it to a Scientology party, we’d have to change the lyrics to “Party! Creepy [...]
And For That, Twelve Hail L. Rons and Four Our Xenus
Katie Holmes and wee spouse Tom Cruise are just your ordinary, everyday couple. They enjoy watching their child grow. They make it a Blockbuster night. They enjoy meals together. They have spats, they make up. But only after Katie is forced to sit down in a cold dark room and compose a 1000 word essay [...]
Tom Cruise: Celebrity Mentor
That Tom Cruise, what a Renaissance man. He truly can do everything. He has a perfect, totally believable family. He stars is hit movies. He effortlessly conquered a German accent. Oh wait, he pussed out on that last part, we forgot. But what he can do is save the world, one soulless celebrity at a [...]
Yo Holmes, Blow Ya Later
Will Smith is best friends with Tom Cruise, and you know what that means, right? Weekend getaways to Telluride and discounts on bulk orders of shoe lifts? Well, yes, but it also means he's as gay as a prima ballerina twirling a pinwheel in a field of daisies. According to new rumors, a "notorious Hollywood [...]
Jennifer Lopez Is a Xenuphile
J. Lo doesn't want to be remembered as the lady from Gigli with the fat butt who banged Puffy and then married a zombie and had his brain-hungry half-undead twins. No, indeed. So although better singers and actresses have taken her place, and a lady named Kim Kardashian with an even more inflated can has [...]
U + Ur E-Meter
There is a plague among us. Little by little it is claiming the lives of Hollywood's elite. But along the way it must also claim the souls of those not-so-elite, those who earn less than $50 million a year, Hollywood's poor D-listers. Once it's through with all of Tinseltown, from Brad Pitt all the way [...]
Nicole Kidman Sez: In Your Face, Xenu!
We know that ever since yesterday morning your face has been plagued with a perplexed expression, you've been scratching your head so much you've nearly created a new bald spot, and you've been muttering to yourself, "Sunday Rose? Seriously? Sunday Rose?" while walking around in circles and distractedly bumping into furniture. And we've been right [...]
Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Barley Water! Arrrgh!
"Avast, yon lily-livered L. Ron followers! You be under attack! Hand over all your booty and doubloons! We be wantin' all your e-meters and copies of Dianetics or it's Davy Jones' Locker for you!" Or, in English, pirates are threatening to attack Scientologists! According to The New York Daily News:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes should [...]
Katie Holmes Goes to Camp
When we last left Katie Holmes, she was entertaining the idea of possibly taking a short jaunt to New York City to star in a Broadway play for a change of scenery. That obviously went over really well with husband Tom Cruise, because he sent her away for a nice spa weekend. A nice spa [...]
Frog Worshipers, Tom Cruise OK with Madonna
Sure, people talk a lot of smack on Scientology, but they're usually godless heathens who don't believe in anything. A person of true faith is about to set the record straight: Tom Cruise is no cuckoo for thinking that his body is host to ancient aliens or some gobbledygook. He's just a normal person of [...]