CelebNewsWire» Scarlett Johansson Archives – CelebNewsWire

A Corkin' Good ScarJo

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:57:50 +0000

The alluring, monster-hootered never-nude Scarlett Johansson has a rep as a classy lassie. So it makes sense that she's been named as the face of Moet & Chandon champagne. Just like it would make sense if Chris Brown was named the face of assholism or Fergie was named the face of Denny Johnson's Crystal Meth Snack n' Shack. Our pals at Celebitchy say:

Scarlett is the first celebrity spokesperson for the champagne house. Moetís president FrÈdÈric Cumenal said in a speech at the party last week ìScarlett Johansson was the obvious choice as our ambassador because she, like Moet, has a magical story to tell and makes people dream. She is a true icon of celebration – refreshingly spontaneous, generous, glamorous and she lives life to the fullest both on-screen and off.î

Lives life to the fullest indeed. Who knew that unsanitarily screwing Benicio del Toro in an elevator shaft could lead to a multi-million dollar advertising gig? Or, in our personal case, that screwing Pete Doherty in a Hardee's walk-in freezer could lead to multi-millions of genital sores.

R.I.P. Scarlett Johansson's Titanic Tits

Agent E. — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 16:54:42 +0000

Here lie Scarlett Johansson's boobs. They were good boobs, an upstanding pair, they gave their all in service to their hot owner. But there comes a time in every tit's life that it just cannot stand the scrutiny any more. It's sick of being ogled, of stealing all of the attention away from other beautiful body parts. Well, actually, maybe it's not the tits' fault. Maybe Scarlett's lovely but often overlooked face is to blame. That face wanted to be in the spotlight for once, so it wouldn't let any food past its lips and just starved and starved those beautiful curves until they began to wither away. Poor boobs. They really deserved better. Maybe they'll come back some day and life will be worth living again.

Spring Into Porn Stars and their Celeb Twins!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 18:26:22 +0000

Ever noticed how much Scarlett Johansson resembles Traci Lords? We didn't either, until it was pointed out to us, and now we can't look at Scarjo without picturing her as a new wave hooker. Head over to Mr Skin and peruse their Celebrity Pornalikes feature, written by legendary archivist of hot naked ladies Celebrity Sleuth. It's like Us Weekly's "Celebs who look like their dogs!" feature. Only it's interesting and has boobs.

CNW Mini Junk Drawer: "I'm Only Dating Him Because I Love You"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 17:29:17 +0000

There is NOTHING happening today. NOTHING. So, like a mom giving her child a pot and wooden spoon to play with, we're handing you some links to keep you entertained. Sorry. Don't blame us, blame the boring celebrities.

ï Alex Rodriguez is mad because Madonna's stepping out publicly with some other dude! Even though he claims he and Madge are just bros! Only Madge is saying that the new guy is just a trick to divert the media from her real romance with the Rod! Maybe they'll french! OMG! (TMZ)

ï Pam Anderson has been named the face of Vivienne Westwood's new ad campaign. And lord, we will all be in paign. (Yeeeah!)

ï Scarlett Johansson has new Cher hair (Chair?). (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Lily Allen wears a slutty sailor girl outfit with an E-Z access crotch hatch. (CelebWarship)

ï Former Britney Spears leech Sam Lutfi wants money. Lots and lots of money. He wants the pie in the sky. (The Blemish)

Eva Mendes Bests All Comers in Hottness Arena

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:40:27 +0000

Every January, we eagerly await Askmen.com and their big reveal of their annual "99 Most Desirable Women" list. From Christmas to mid-January, our gonads remain unkneaded, laying in wait for the internet to tell us which comely Hollywood starlet will be the impetus for our longing. This year, everyone's favorite crummy tattoo canvas Megan Fox was unseated by the succulent seat of one Eva Mendes. IMDb spills the beans:

Actress Eva Mendes has been crowned the Most Desirable Woman in the world by a new online survey.

The Hitch star topped a poll of more than seven million people to walk away with the honour, beating the likes of Scarlett Johansson and Bajan beauty Rihanna, who could only manage seventh and eight place respectively.

The sexy Latina also saw off Megan Fox who last year was crowned the Sexiest Woman In The World by FHM magazine.

And Mendes is ecstatic she beat such tough competitors to be named favourite on website AskMen.com. She says, "Of all the qualities I find attractive in a man, paying me such a compliment tops my list. Thanks, guys."

Of all the qualities we at CelebNewsWire find attractive in a man, being able to make it through Nights in Rodanthe without weeping tops our list. And we're still searching for our #1. Someday our prince will come.

Scarlett Johansson Wants to Go Big Pimpin' in the Wild West

Agent E. — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:00:49 +0000

Bosomy Scarlett Johansson is just dying to be a whore. She wants it SO bad! Please, please, someone take mercy on the poor girl and let her fulfill her whoring dreams. Any takers? Reports The Sun:

SCARLETT JOHANSSON wants to run a brothel.

But hold your horses there, the Lost In Translation actress is simply chasing her next career move.

The buxom beauty is lusting after a role in a western, desperate to take a trip back in time to the Wild West.

Scarlett said: "Every actor wants to work on a western. I would run a brothel, like a madam or something.

"I'm working with what I got. It's only so long that people are going to want to see me in a corset."

She added: "So I might as well do it now."

Scarlett dressed as a wench? Yee-ha!

Does Scarlett have a to-do list consisting of all the parts she needs to play before she can start letting herself go and cramming her maw full of pound cake and sheets of fudge? "1) Brothel owner in Wild West 2) Super sexy stripper (pasties only, please!) 3) Failing college student who seduces her professors with her awesome boobs 4) First ever bra model 5) Heidi Klum." Because we'd see each and every one of those movies. Multiple times. But we would never stop bitching about the second one.

Scarlett Johansson's Bodily Fluids Can Be Yours

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:48:00 +0000

Want to own Scarlett Johansson's boobie? Want to keep it and run your tongue over it and smell it and maybe eat it so her flesh becomes your flesh and the two merge like one? Now you can! Because Scarlett Johansson's boobie is being auctioned off on eBay. Actually, no, make that boogies. As in boogers. Nose turds. She's selling a used Kleenex! Yum! A poster over at ONTD says:

During her 12/17/08 appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Scarlett Johansson blamed her cold on The Spirit co-star Samuel L. Jackson, saying she caught it from him. She believed that for this reason her cold had some "value." During her appearance on The Tonight Show, she blew her nose into a tissue provided by Jay Leno. All proceeds of this sale will benefit USA Harvest, the charity of Scarlett Johansson's choice.

It's so weird that Scarlett Johansson has been the cause of so many vile, crusty tissues across this great land, and now she's giving back a vile, crusty tissue of her own. Now that's the spirit of giving. Feliz snotvidad!

Can't Get an Interview with Scarlett Johansson? Just Make It Up!

Agent E. — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:38:13 +0000

Everybody knows that at least 90% of what you hear about celebrities is pure bullshit. Except for that woman who lives down the hall from us who thinks that she's married to Matt Lauer, but that's another story. So why not just make up some stuff and pretend it's true? It'll save you the time of having to talk to publicists and set up interviews and listen to said celebrity chew out their assistant because they clearly asked for light foam and their latte obviously has full foam. That's what UK Cosmo did. Reports Popeater:

If you thought the UK Cosmo's interview with Scarlett Johansson where she finally opens up about husband Ryan Reynolds was too good to be true, well that's because it probably was. The star's rep is hitting back at the magazine over their January cover story, saying it contains a "wholly fabricated" interview with the actress.

Quotes from the article have been widely posted, including a declaration that "Ryan and I are in love and we're enjoying evolving our relationship together."

But according to a statement obtained by E! News, Johansson "has at no point granted UK Cosmopolitan an interview, and she has never discussed her personal relationships with the publication."

"Ms. Johansson, who goes to great lengths to preserve an authentic representation of herself with respect to her fans and the media, is disappointed to see a seemingly reputable publication inexplicably publish a work of fiction at her expense," the statement continued.

Legal action will be taken, the ScarJo camp promised.

On slow gossip days we've often contemplated making up our own news, attributing it to some German magazine so we can blame the inaccuracies on translation problems if we're caught. But now we know that ScarJo is too wily a subject for our fake stories. So the next time the day's biggest story is about some ho from The Hills adopting a Labradoodle, you might just catch us reporting on a really fascinating story about how Kate Hudson or somebody agreed to do a cameo in Jenna Jameson's return-to-porn film, but only if she gets to stick a dildo up Jenna's ass, and wonder why no one else has picked up the story, blame it on UK Cosmo.

CNW Junk Drawer: Britney? Is it You?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:13:32 +0000

ï Promo pic for the new Britney Spears album is more airbrushed than a T-shirt at the county fair. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Is Lindsay Lohan on the sauce again? Does the pope shit in the woods? (Celebitchy)

ï Check it out: pictures of Harry Potter's hairy peter. (Cityrag)

ï Hugh Hefner is like a father to Kendra Wilkinson. A father who joggles her fake jugs. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift for Camilla Belle. He has a very difficult life. (Yeeeah!)

ï Scarlett Johansson on the cover of some nerd mag with glasses and big old jiggly cleavage. (The Blemish)

ï The Adrienne Bailon nude pics were faked, but that doesn't mean you can't still masturbate to them. The glass, it's always half full with us. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Kristen Bell bikini pics. Veronica Mars is out of this world! God, that was so clever!!!! (Egotastic)

ï Hugh Jackman make a tinkle in his drawers onstage. Awwww, just like Fergie! (IMDb)

ScarJo Becomes ScarRo

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:13:30 +0000

It was an incredibly shitty weekend full of enormously turdish news. If it wasn't bad enough that Paul Newman passed away, Scarlett Johansson married some Canadian guy. Reports our personal gossip wedding planner, Female First:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds married on Saturday.

'The Other Boleyn Girl' actress and her 'Definitely, Maybe' star beau tied the knot in a remote resort near Vancouver, Canada, Scarlett's representative confirmed.

Scarlett, 23, and Ryan, 31, were joined by guests including the actress' mother Melanie Sloan and her brother Adrian Johansson at the intimate ceremony.

OK, so technically, does this mean her boobs are married too? Because we want to be able to keep on cutting them out of magazines and eating them in a bid to be closer to their cushiony goodness and we couldn't do it anymore if they were married boobs. That would just be creepy.

See ScarJo's married mams NUDE at MrSkin.com.