CelebNewsWire» Samantha Ronson Archives – CelebNewsWire

Lilo Uses Twitter as a Weapon

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:51:39 +0000

What with all her jewel burgling and pill-gargling and turdulous fashion designing, we’ve lost sight of what’s most important about Lindsay Lohan. And that’s that she’s a gifted actress and a true artist. Hahaha, just jerking your bird. It’s the fact that her palate is tuned to poon. We’re not sure if she and lover/hat stand Samantha Ronson are still an item or what, but Lindsay’s taken to Twitter to vent her frustrations with the Ronson family:

@samantharonson deson’t respond 2me b/c her fmaily will cut her off if she contacts me…They control the one I love&im incapable of making
about 2 hours ago from UberTwitter

Any sort of difference. I’m in love with her, as she is in love with me…but her loved ones-hate her brilliance&resent her happiness
about 2 hours ago from UberTwitter

We are positive that Lindsay is telling the truth. The Ronson family sits around twirling their mustaches, rubbing their hands together, and cursing any joy Samantha dares to feel. “Her brilliance! It is detestable!” declares Ma Ronson. “Truly, it is an abominable thing. How I resent her!” says Mark Ronson. And then they all put on their top hats and capes and go tie Nell Fenwick to some train tracks.

Look, here’s our Twitter! Let’s twat!

Lilo Goes Loco on SamRo

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:31:23 +0000

We've stopped reporting on the romance of famous firecrotch Lindsay Lohan and lady-loving DJ Samantha Ronson because trying to keep up with the day to day changes in their relationship was giving us agita. However, this video (filmed late Saturday night/early Sunday morning) of Lindsay camped out on Sam's front stoop for hours nicely sums up their love, with Lilo screaming "WHERE WERE YOU? I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" and Sam just trying to step over the top-heavy redhead screeching on her porch. But you know who the real loser is in this situation? The paparazzi, who held cameras in the dark from three to five in the morning trying to get a shot of a grimacing hat-wearer in an altercation with someone who was in Herbie Goes Bananas or whatever. Haha. Thanks for making us feel slightly less gross about our job, turds!

If you enjoyed this video, think of all the non-stop fun you'd have following us on Twitter. Just think!

Lindsay Lohan Sex Toy Fantasy Ruined by Presence of Sam Ronson

Agent E. — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 17:04:18 +0000

Let's take a minute to pretend it's 2004. You're looking hot in your Uggs and knit poncho, and Lindsay Lohan is nothing more than a talented teen actress with huge knockers. If our 2009 self had approached you then, stepping out of our futuristic third-generation Prius and showing off our iPhone 3G and told you that one day in the future Lindsay would be a lesbian but it would totally not turn you on AT ALL, would you have believed us? Of course not. Back then you would have thought that lesbian Lindsay Lohan was one of the hottest things that could ever happen to the world. But of course that was before you'd ever seen Sam Ronson. But since you are now in 2009, you will recoil at a story about Sam buying Lindsay sex toys for her birthday. Says our own personal pocket pussy, FemaleFirst:

A source said: "Samantha presented her with a gift guaranteed to create lots of buzz – a big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys selected by herself. She spent hours shopping Hollywood's erotic emporiums for the items."

After giving her the present, the couple returned to Samantha's Los Angeles home to celebrate the actress' special day.

They always say that comedy is all about timing, but this proves that everything in life is all about timing. The addition of five years takes the words "Lindsay Lohan, lesbian, and sex toys" from the ultimate beat-off fantasy to something more akin to your meth head cousin's sex tape.

CNW Junk Drawer: Two in the Pinkett, One in the Stinkett

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:55:52 +0000

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith claim that they porked in the car on the way to the Oscars. Billy Bob/Angelina Jolie wannabes, all. (The Blemish)
Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson lesbian parody porno. 1 Night in Lilo? (Drunken Stepfather)
Crank THAT, Soulja Boy. Is that a Mr. Microphone in his drawers? Faker. (Yeeeah!)
The actual video of Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire in 1984. Dude just keeps dancing! (Daily Stab)
Annnnnnd here are some horrifying photos of MJ’s legs in 2002 with some sort of seeping wound. They say it’s from drug use, we think it looks like a bite from a brown recluse spider. Which is funny because MJ was a white recluse. Haw! (Celebitchy)
Stop! Emmy time! Here’s the full list of nominees. (PopCrunch)
Amy Winehouse is divorced! Farewell, Blake Fielder-Civil. Go hang out with Riley Giles, Stamos Nachos and Paris Latsis. (Allie Is Wired)
Renee Zellweger set to hit the Ho-Hos for a third Bridget Jones movie. (Anything Hollywood)

Lindsay Lohan Shows Snatch; Snatches Sam Back

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 19:17:26 +0000

We have not read The Rules or He's Just Not That Into You or The Game or Captain Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman but we still know that traveling across an ocean to show up at a party your ex will be attending is bad form. However, maybe this bit of dating etiquette is null and void when it comes to bicurious celebrities and their volatile girl-girl relationships, because Lindsay Lohan jetted off to London last week to meet up with ex Samantha Ronson and would you just look what she Twittered Monday:

ìLeaving London but but with my favorite favorite!!! – travel buddy & great news to share!! MaybeÖ.î

They left London together and Lindsay went straight to Sam's house with a diamond ring on her left hand. And speaking of things that fit nicely around a finger, after the cut, see what happened when Lilo was exiting a car in London, legs akimbo. NSFW.

No mortal woman can resist the slippery lure of the whiskerless firecrotch labes. Sam didn't stand a chance.

CNW Junk Drawer: Cannes You Dig It

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 21 May 2009 18:19:38 +0000

Brad’s all, “C’mon, Angelina, we have to get to Cannes” and she’s all, “Hold up, Brad, I gotta show the paps a little more of where Shilohs come from.” (Yeeeah!)
Maria Bello. Topless. Tied to a bed. Believe it. (Nudography)
And speaking of Maria Bello, did you know that she was from the greater Philadelphia area? Isn’t that fascinating? Yeah! And it just so happens that Mr Skin has a Top 10 Sexiest Babes from Philly list out now! (Mr Skin)
Adriana Lima’s nipples in a gilded cage of a bra. (Drunken Stepfather)
Rihanna’s got a brand new, hopefully much less punchy, beau. (Amy Grindhouse)
Lady Gaga learns a sobering lesson. Bleached hair and skimpy white clothing with lots of jewelry makes folks think you’re a Russian prostitute. (Faded Youth)
Cameron Diaz has strict “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” rules. (Daily Stab)
Britney Spears in a bikini on the beach. No, you can go look. It’s nice! Seriously. Hey, hey. Look at us. Look. It’s okay. It’s okay. Really. Shhhh. (The Blemish)
Is Lindsay Lohan getting her poon chewn by Sam again? (Holy Moly)
Hayden Panettiere’s tattoo is spelled wrong. LOLOLOLOLOL. LOLOLOL forever. (Flisted)

"Come at Me, Bitch"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:20:11 +0000

Normally, the idea of a fallen star resorting to selling her story to a tabloid would make us chuckle like Grandpa after we pulled his finger, but this is so pathetic that we feel bad. Which was the aim, so cheers, fallen firecrotch Lindsay Lohan, you've earned our sympathy. Well, maybe "sympathy" isn't the word. "Arms-length condolences and a slightly squirmy feeling" covers it though. After confirming her breakup with human hat stand Samantha Ronson, Lindsay ran to US Weekly and sung like a stoolie for a cover story. Some highlights:

In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the "humiliating" weekend showdown with Ronson's family, and says that friends' fears she is suicidal are unfounded.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)

The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson's mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.

Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson. "Everyone's turned on me," says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea De Matteo said, "Come at me, bitch."

To be fair, Nicole Richie finds Joel Madden attractive enough to accept his unsheathed penis into her cadaverous body, so anyone she deems "uck"-worthy can take that as a compliment. On the other hand, you don't fuck with the Drea under any circumstances. Unless you want to find yourself strapped to the roof of Shooter Jennings's El Camino, an acrylic nail tip embedded in your eyeball.

Sam Ronson: Cheater, Cheater, Poonkin Eater

Agent E. — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:28:53 +0000

Twitter is good for a lot of things. Learning to restrain your wordiness. Pretending you are friends with people you have never spoken to, like Solange Knowles (who did not bleach her baby). Gems like this from Snoop Dogg: inside peanut butter outside jello..hellllooowww ….twizzles hooow u doiiin?? (actual tweet). But really, its best use is following the minutia of whiny celebs who think they know how to enable privacy settings (but forget to tell their girlfriends to do the same). This is how we found out that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson were in another fight. And Sam might be cheating on Lindsay and doing drugs. Scandal! A sampling of Lindsay's weekend tweets (directed at Sam, then Lily Allen):

@jackdaniels9 I was right all along. Cheat
about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry

@jackdaniels9 being cheated on does wonders to you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels PLEASE leave me ALONE. and stop staying in the room below me, youíve woken me and my mother up. go to bed. keep cheating u win
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels9 look, im doing this publicly because u&ur friends call people mag..so-you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels9 please go away. & go to bed. u work hard, & u need some rest. those around u are clearly negative influences. miss u.be wellxx
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@jackdaniels9 ask ur sister 2 stop yelling profanity plz;;stop doing drugs. and tell charlotte to do more-she could loose a stone or 10.
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@lilyroseallen OMG WOMAN! CAWLLLL MEEEEEEEE im meeting you in san fran babydoll
about 2 hours ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@lilyroseallen oy dafty fella ring me on my cellular woman. d message me for the new digiez
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@jackdaniels9 oh- itís like this? fine. Byebye
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

But that's not all! Before the Tweet mania, Lindsay was denied entry to a Ronson family party on Friday night, where she was restrained by five security guards. Five presumably large men. Against Lindsay. Who probably weighs about 101 pounds, and a couple of those pounds are the vodka bottle hidden in her pant leg. Then on Saturday, Sam had the locks on their house changed. We have never seen anything like this before. The unabashed fame whore drops her famous girlfriend? Who's she cheating with who could top Lindsay? Octomom?

Lindsay Lohan's Job: Spending Sam Ronson's Money

Agent E. — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:06:23 +0000

Have you wondered how Lindsay Lohan has maintained her lavish lifestyle despite the fact that she hasn't worked since the Eisenhower administration? Easy: She's just spending her girlfriend's cash. Says the New York Daily News:

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are like any other couple: Their domestic squabbles are mainly over money.

According to friends of the two, Lindsayís overspending is out of control, and itís putting additional strain on the ladiesí already volatile relationship.

ìLindsay is spending like crazy!î a friend of the actress tells us. ìSheís living on credit right now. She has no cash. The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Samís because Lindsay doesnít really have any of her own at the moment; sheís really taken on the ëmaní role in their romance. Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better.î

A second pal agrees. ìLindsayís money situation has never been great, but itís only gotten worse over the last month. For every dollar she makes, she spends double. Her personal appearance fees are literally the only thing keeping her afloat. But hereís the rub: Because of her explosive relationship with Sam, sheís unable to get the type of cash sheís used to. The negative press and constant appearance cancellations are hurting her pocketbook.î

Recent extravagant purchases the starlet has made include a $30K Rolex watch and a new Maserati, a glam ride which usually costs upward of $100K.

There's some complicated shit going on here. Sam is only raking in the cash because club promoters know she'll bring Lindsay along. But if Lindsay doesn't work and lives off of Sam's money, that cash will diminish as Lindsay's fame diminishes, which will happen the longer she stays off the screen. Got that? With this cycle, before long Sam will be spinning for a handful of beer tickets at your local Coyote Ugly, then Lindsay will trade the drink tickets for a gift card to Walmart.

Lohan Angry! Lohan Smash! Lohan Tweet! Lohan Go to Jail!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:42:24 +0000

We're sure this was an epic weekend for you. We're betting you upchucked at least twice, cried once, made some regrettable Twitter updates while intoxicated, and fought bitterly with your significant other. Funny, demi-lesbian Lindsay Lohan had the exact same weekend. The only difference between yours and hers is that she wasn't wearing some sort of green plastic accoutrement that may or may not have included tiny blinking lights. In the last three days, she had a warrant issued for her arrest, she Tweeted up a firecrotch firestorm about her tumultuous clam-shucking romance with Samantha Ronson, and cops were called after she and Sam busted out a window. Phew. This calls for bullet points.

ï An arrest warrant was issued Friday night, and there's a court hearing being held as we speak. TMZ says:

We know exactly why Lindsay Lohan is being hauled into court Monday and it's no big deal — probably.

Lindsay was in an alcohol ed program for more than a year and was in full compliance with her probation. Sources say not too long ago she decided to switch programs. She either was late or missed one of the classes at the new program — she says because the paparazzi made it impossible for her to show up on schedule. So the program director sounded the alarm last week to the court. And that's why the judge issued a warrant.

ï People adds:

Lohanís latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m. [on Saturday], Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholsonís house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

ï What better way to express frustration with your bicurious romance than to Tweet the shit out of it? Gawker has caps from Lohan's private Twitter:

"should you end it if the one person in the world fails to love, hold/comfort, apologize, and CHERISH you the night before jail? LIARS R COWARDS cuz they don't know what they got til it is far gone. and people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! do not ever dj before calling if they ARE FUCKING ABOUT TO GET ARRESTED FOR CHASING YOU TO MAKE YOU STAY"

ï However, Twooting her heart out didn't help matters, and Lilo and Sam fought so hard they done busted a window. People, again:

Lohanís bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronsonís house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

At this point we're wondering how Lindsay Lohan can stand and walk and talk and function after such a bender. Just reading that summary had us reaching for the Alka-Seltzer and the ice pack. It's as if she is a new breed of alien celebrity sent to earth to destroy us. Through Red Bull fueled cooter-licking. Our Earth weapons are powerless against her tolerance for stimulants and taste for gonads.