ï Alex Rodriguez is mad because Madonna's stepping out publicly with some other dude! Even though he claims he and Madge are just bros! Only Madge is saying that the new guy is just a trick to divert the media from her real romance with the Rod! Maybe they'll french! OMG! (TMZ)

ï Pam Anderson has been named the face of Vivienne Westwood's new ad campaign. And lord, we will all be in paign. (Yeeeah!)

ï Scarlett Johansson has new Cher hair (Chair?). (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Lily Allen wears a slutty sailor girl outfit with an E-Z access crotch hatch. (CelebWarship)

ï Former Britney Spears leech Sam Lutfi wants money. Lots and lots of money. He wants the pie in the sky. (The Blemish)

Britney Spears had her breasts enlarged as a teenager, but later decided she was a big boob to do it and went back under the knife, the new issue of Rolling Stone reveals. The pathetic pop tart, now locked up in a padded cell, "regretted the implants, particularly because her chest was still growing," the magazine reports. "And when her natural breasts became larger, she had the implants removed." Spears has always denied she was surgically enhanced.

And The New York Daily News adds:

What Justin Timberlake/Britney Spears story is too vulgar even to make it as a Gatecrasher blind item? Read the Rolling Stone cover story on Friday to find out! (Don't eat beforehand.)

The fake titties we were aware of, as we're pretty sure that Brit wasn't the prototype for Pump up My Bobbies Barbie. But what could this disgusting and possibly erotic JT story be? Our guess: Justin had an affinity for fishing one of his turds out of the toilet, inserting a stick in it, putting it in the freezer with Brit's Fudgesicles, and then laughing his ass off when she took a lick and said, "This sucker tastes funny, y'all."

Now on to a more devious male influence in Britney's life: Sam Lutfi. TMZ landed their journalistic little mitts on a copy of the restraining order against him:

TMZ has obtained a copy of the restraining order issued last Friday in the Britney Spears saga. We've reported on the order but we just got a hard copy. The documents allege Lutfi drugged Britney.

The order requires Lutfi to stay 250 yards away from Britney, UCLA Medical Center, her parents' homes, siblings' homes, childrens' homes and Britney's homes.

According to the document, "He has cut Britney's home phone line and removed her cell phone chargers. He yells at her. He claims to control everything."

According to a declaration filed by Lynne Spears, on January 28, Lynne and Jamie arrived for an intervention — "Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan, her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids, and that she does not deserve the kids."

The documents claim Sam said, "Adnan is gay … Britney came into the room looking for Adnan … Britney then asked me, 'Is Adnan gay?"

At one point, Britney "picked up a bottle of pills and read part of the label and asked us, 'What does insomnia mean?' Sam told her that the pills will help her stay awake." Lynne continues, "Sam told Jackie and me that he grinds up Britney's pills, which were on the counter and included Risperdal (an anti-psychotic drug for schizophrenia and bipolarity) and Seroquel." The docs continue, "He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced coma so that they could then give her drugs to heal her brain."

According to the docs, Sam then encouraged Brit "to do tequila shots." The document then claims Sam said, "let's all do toasts with wine." Brit refused to drink.

Lynne claims before leaving for the drug store that night, Sam gave her drugs upstairs "to make her more light-hearted, happy, and fun."

During a dispute later that night, Sam allegedly said, "If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave."

The docs claim Brit "changed her three dogs' clothes many times" in an agitated state."

Brit said, "Can I see another psychiatrist so I can see my babies?" Sam responded, "If I told you to take 10 pills a day, you should do what I tell you to see your babies."

At one point, Brit allegedly said, "I want my Daddy up here. I want to talk to my Daddy."

That's all pretty sleazy and awful, but did he ever drug her, cover her face in clown makeup, and then videotape the incoherent results for his eventual profit? Not that we know of. Score one for Lutfi. Stern retains World's Supreme Asshole title–for now.

Get ready, Las Vegas! Britney Spears is planning an encore. The troubled pop star wed childhood pal Jason Alexander Sin City-style in 2004 ó a union that lasted all of 55 hours. But according to Star Magazine, this time she wants to hitch her wagon to professional hanger-on Sam Lutfi.

In fact, an insider told the publication Britney already announced her marital ambitions to her lawyers and ex-hubby, Kevin Federline. ì[The lawyers] begged her to at least get a prenup, but she didnít seem to be listening.î

K-Fedís none too happy, either. ìKevin has seen Sam lose his temper,î said a family spy. ìWe hear he swears a lot and makes very derogatory statements when heís alone with Brit. Kevin has forbidden Britney from having Sam around the boys. In fact, Kevin has threatened to get a restraining order. Sheíll lose custody if she allows Sam around them, Kevin will make sure of it.î

But will the danger of losing her kids be enough to keep Brit from heading down the aisle a third time? A Star source claims itís unlikely. ìBritney is completely under Samís spell. Everyone sees through him, except her. I hear that he stays with her most of the time, and she pays for his food, his bar and restaurant tabs and his clothing. She takes car of everything.î

Upside? Upside? Upside? God dammit, where is the fucking upside to this story? That an informal elopement won't require an expensive and elaborate wedding dress with a skirt longer than two and half inches and Britney will be able to wear a negligee she's mistaken for a dress? That maybe Lutfi is also an aspiring rapper and we will get to relive the "Popozao" days again? We seriously have no clue. Please, someone help us. We're frightened.