CelebNewsWire» Rosie O'Donnell Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: The Fetus Next Door

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:20:09 +0000

Kendra Wilkinson reveals EEEEEE BABY BUMMMMMP BUMP ALLLERERRRT OOOOH SQUEEEEALLLL! (Popeater)
The New York Times is all, “Sorry we said you’re a slut” to Sienna Miller. (Yeeeah!)
Rosie O’Donnell and her wife might be getting same sex divorced. (Amy Grindhouse)
Bobby Brown implies that Whitney likes crack. Not that kind of crack. The kind you find in front of a lady. (Mr. Skin)
Salma Hayek says her body sucks. Yeah. It’s really really ugly, Salma. (CeleBitchy)
Fatal Attraction plus sports equals the Brooke Hundley Steve Phillips sex scandal. (Bitten and Bound)
Dear Renee Zellweger: don’t fuck Alec Baldwin cuz you will die. Love, Celebrity News Wires. (The Blemish)
Ah. We see you’ve stolen Patrick Swayze’s DNA. Very wily, Billy Bob Thornton. (S?O!WTF?)
David Letterman might have a sex tape. Ah. Stupid human tricks. (Anything Hollywood)
Distribution of the Shauna Sand sex tape has been delayed. Shit. Now what are we going to get grandma for Hanukkah? (Nudography)
Come Facebook with us. (Our Facebook is the tits!)

Rosie O'Donnell No Longer Riding the Crimson Wave

Agent E. — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 17:15:48 +0000

It's a slow gossip day, so bear with us as we talk about old biddies and their baby chutes losing their monthly paint jobs. Hey, at least we're not like those assholes who are everywhere today saying Rihanna deserved it. Compared to that, talking about Rosie O'Donnell's shriveling ovaries is like a basket full of fluffy puppies. Reports our very own maxi-pad provider, FemaleFirst:

Madonna is helping Rosie O'Donnell deal with the menopause.

The '4 Minutes' singer and the stand-up comedienne have been communicating via email and Rosie says the pop queen has been like a "big sister".

Menopause usually occurs between the ages of 45 and 55 when a woman's ovaries stop producing oestrogen and signals the end of menstruation.

Speaking on 'The Tyra Banks Show', she said: "Madonna's great, she's a lot like a big sister. When I started having my hormone things, I'm like, 'What the hell is going on?' She's like, 'Get the cream.' "

Openly gay Rosie went to tell former model Tyra and the studio audience intimate details about how her body has been changing.

She said: "Well let me tell you one thing, Tyra, I am about to be 47 next month and 'Aunt Flow' has not shown up for nine months.

"It started for me at 41. I would be in the bed, and I would wake up and the sheets would be soaking wet. Not damp. Soaking wet. I thought, 'Oh my daughter Vivi crawled in here last night and maybe she wet the bed.'

"So I would throw the covers off and turn to look – and there's no Vivi, it's just my partner Kelli. Then I'm like, 'Kelli is incontinent!' And then I realised, no it's me!"

Alright, male readers, if you've come this far, we have some great advice for you. If the ol' thinking about baseball and grandma tricks have run their course in your life and you're having trouble with control, there are plenty of gems in this story to sustain you. "Get the cream." Rosie O'Donnell's wife's incontinence. Rosie O'Donnell's incontinence. Rosie O'Donnell's Aunt Flow. Such rich, rich material. And if none of that works, try this.

Dunaway vs. Duff Part II: Hilary Chomps Back

Agent E. — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:09 +0000

Oh that Hilary Duff, she's so witty. When called a shitty actress by the original queen of the amazingly overwrought performance, Oscar winner Faye Dunaway, she comes back with, "Well, well . . . you're old! Haha! And ugly! Yeah, you're an ugly old crone! Take that!" Says Us Weekly:

Hilary Duff is set to reprise Faye Dunaway's legendary role as Bonnie in the indie remake of The Story of Bonnie and Clyde — and Dunaway is not pleased.

"Couldn't they have at least cast a real actress?" Dunaway said last week.

Duff retaliated against Dunaway Tuesday.

"I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…." she told E!. "I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."

We think that Hilary best watch what she says. Sure, knocking old Faye might have seemed like a good idea last week, when they were the only two show horses whinnying in the pasture, but today there's a new filly chomping at the bit. And, sure, Rosie O'Donnell might not look as good in a beret and a kerchief as Hilary, but she sure can kick those back legs. Maybe Hil should stick to begging for apples and oats and getting her pretty, pretty mane brushed and shut the hell up.

Audiences No Longer Forced to View Rosie

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 17:50:41 +0000

This whole Rosie-O’Donnell-on-The-View thing has been unpalatable to us, because we’re forced to write stories about how she and Donald Trump are slap-fighting on the teeter-totter and such and such. These pages are reserved for serious business, like Mischa Barton’s labia, so it is with much fanfare and rapture that we can announce Rosie’s resignation from the show. TMZ scoops:

Confirming the story that TMZ broke exclusively last night, Rosie led the show, saying, “Breaking news! I’ve decided we couldn’t come to terms with my deal, so next year I’m not going to be on ‘The View’.” Rosie explained that she wanted a one-year deal, while ABC wanted three years. She insisted that she wasn’t fired by ABC or Barbara Walters — “They’re not kicking me out!” she said.

Hopefully, this will give Rosie the time and freedom she needs to make a Riding the Bus with My Sister sequel a reality. Please, God. Please. Please.

Rosie’s at MrSkin.com. Yes, really.

Polish Your Oscar to Mr. Skin's 2007 Anatomy Awards

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 17:59:31 +0000

We're finally ready to admit it. We're well into Tuesday and no one seems to have located any errant Oscar night nipples, so there you go. For the first time in quite a while, a truly G-rated ceremony. Perhaps the stars were particularly wary of offending best actress nominee/li'l shaver Abigail Breslin and had their assistants use the ultra-durable boob tape, or maybe we can blame it on post-Britney poon fallout. But, like a Long John Silvers sign emerging from the fog during a lonely cross-country drive, Mr. Skin's Anatomy Awards are here! Thrill to Salma Hayek's mind-bendingly joggling jugs on Ugly Betty! Watch in wonder as you see Rosie O'Donnell's ass encased, haggis-like, in pantyhose! Be knocked sideways by the fact that Gretchen Mol dyed her hair–ALL her hair–for The Notorious Bettie Page! Let's be honest, kids, you're not really interested in the delicacy of Helen Mirren's portrayal of Queen Elizabeth nor the quiet dignity Rinko Kikuchi brought to Babel. You didn't even see those movies. You were too busy flopping your dong to honeys in the Coldwater Creek catalog. So check out the only awards that matter, and stop poring over pictures from Sunday night, trying in vain to spy a half a centimeter of Winslet areola. It's not going to happen. Give up the ghost.

Once again, that's the 8th Annual Anatomy Awards, at MrSkin.com!

Rosie and Trump Not Feeling Holiday Love

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 17:40:57 +0000

There’s a bitter battle brewing between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump. She says he’s a bankrupt snake-oil peddler. He says she’s a big fat lez. Ladies, ladies. You’re both right.

Barbara Walters is a diabolical supergenius. She hires Rosie O’Donnell for The View, and suddenly lots of youngsters like you and like us are writing and reading about the daily exploits of menopausal biddies on a morning chat show. Rosie’s had quite a month, what with the accusing Kelly Ripa of Aiken homo hate and then doing her best Mickey-Rooney-in-Breakfast at Tiffany’s the other day. And yesterday morning on The View, Rosie tore into our favorite apricot-haired mogul after he allowed Miss USA to keep her crown, despite the fact that she was boozing and coking underage. She said:

ì[Trump] left the first wife ñ had an affair. [He] had kids both times, but heís the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America. Donald, sit and spin, my friend . . . [He's like the] snake-oil salesman on Little House On The Prairie. This is not a self-made man.î

And then Donald was all,

“My fat little Rosie.” We picture him in a witch hat, rubbing his hands together gleefully in his gingerbread home. But then Rosie was totes like,

Right now we’re siding with Rosie, as she actually brings up valid points, while Donald can only screw his face up to resemble a pained, peach-colored twist cone and repeatedly call her fat and ugly. But when you get down to it, who cares? You know they’ll appear on Letterman in a week with their arms around each other, singing Christmas tunes together, Donald in a snake-oil salesman costume and Rosie donning Vanessa Minnillo’s castoff fat suit.

Ro lets down her guard at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: "Yes, I Have Fucked George Clooney"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:30:36 +0000

ï Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

ï We can see right through Mischa Barton.

ï And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

ï Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

ï Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

ï Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

ï Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

ï Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

ï Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

ï The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.

Julian McMahon Gets a View of Rosie O'Boobell

Agent E. — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 17:50:42 +0000

So you're a young man trying to decide on a career path. You think fireman, astronaut, cowboy, fluffer, strip-club janitor, but you eventually land on the desirable and possibly lucrative profession of actor. What nudges you toward this decision? Is it perhaps spurned on by a story involving a hot on-set sex scene in which the actress's pesky boob-shielding top insists on working its way into every shot so the brazen woman just rips it off right in front of her co-star's shocked visage? Yes, that is a rather enticing scene, but just remember, young lad: Sometimes the actress in question is Rosie O'Donnell.

If you will recall, Rosie O'Donnell was once a proper actress. There was her stint on Gimme a Break, her appearances as the spunky non-threatening sidekick in such chick flicks as Sleepless in Seattle and A League of Their Own, and, of course, her leather-clad dominatrix turn in Exit to Eden. And now that she's trying to ditch her bull-dyke image to fit in with Babs and Joy and the blonde one (because, really, didn't Joy already butch up the show enough?) she's trying to seem like a normal lady, one who's seen penises even. So she's playing a little slap and tickle with Julian McMahon on Nip/Tuck. According to the Associated Press:

O'Donnell told "Access Hollywood" that the director tried to shoot around a tube-top that they made her wear. But the director kept yelling "cut" because a bit of the tube-top could be seen in the shot.
So, Rosie fixed the situation by pulling down the top.
O'Donnell said McMahon, who plays plastic surgeon Dr. Christian Troy on the show, looked down and told her "nice boobs," adding, "but he was so nice." O'Donnell said she would "love to do that show again and again and again."

See what she did there, folks? She put herself in the presence of a hot man, with her breasts exposed, and even attributed a comment on the tastiness of her gagzongas to said hot man. Now your Auntie June in Montana can tune in to The View while she's finishing up her ironing and think about Rosie O'Donnell naked with a hot man, instead of Rosie O'Donnell naked with another woman. It's a variation on the Eric McCormack "I'm not really a gay, I just play one on TV" theme that's used to make middle America forget that two-thirds of Hollywood is fruitier than a Speedo-optional pool party at Ian McKellen's house.

If the words Rosie O'Donnell, leather, and dominatrix make you hot, head on over to MrSkin.com.

Rosie to Give the View Shrews Much-Needed Dose of Butch

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 17:46:27 +0000

Meredith Viera is departing The View, and in a ninth-inning upset, Rosie O'Donnell is said to be the golden child taking her place in daytime's coveted coven of shrieking harridans. Patricia Heaton, Connie Chung, and Soledad O'Brien were all said to be contenders for the spot, but ultimately, producers decided to go in a different direction. That direction being "gay".

Imdb.com released this mawkishly laudatory report today (all emphasis ours):

Former talk show queen Rosie O'Donnell is to return to the small screen as the new co-host of magazine show The View, according to internet reports. The beloved comedienne, who quit her eponymous hit daytime show in 2002 to concentrate on raising her kids with partner Kelli, is set to be announced as the replacement for Meredith Vieira on the program. TV executives will announce the news of O'Donnell's new TV role later today, according to the reports.

Well, applause, applause, applause for you, ABC! We never, ever, ever (never EVER) thought we'd say this, but we might just become avid watchers of The View now. Every episode will be like our secret fantasies. Rosie walking on set in the kitten T-shirt and jauntily mismatched sneakers she popularized in Riding the Bus with My Sister, Rosie giving Joy Behar a mullet, Rosie belting Star Jones right in the fake tits with her huge, lesbian Hulk fist, Rosie picking up Barbara Walters and noisily devouring her whole, just because. And finally, Rosie taking the stage and reciting a punctuationless, free-form poem about the whole experience. Emmys for everyone!

Mr. Skin's got some pics of a very scantily-clad Rosie. Fo' real!

CNW Junk Drawer: "A Big 200 Pound Lesbian to Kick Her Ass"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 17:15:12 +0000

ï Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

ï Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

ï Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

ï The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

ï Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

ï Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

ï Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

ï Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.