Tag Archives: Robert Pattinson
The World's Wussiest Vampires Fight
When we saw commercials for that NBC wizard show that looked like Harry Potter as played by Lukas Haas, we had some fun fantasies about a boy wizard showdown, with Lukas lookalike trying to bust out ancient spells with the help of, like, a pet baby dragon or something, while Daniel Radcliffe pelted him with [...]
CNW Tween Day Continues
This morning, everyone over the age of 15 is jawing about Sacha Baron Cohen's ballbag on Eminem's forehead. And everyone 15 and under? All they care about is ZOMG NEW MOON TRAILER!!!!! RPATTZ N K-STEW TLA!!!!! CULLENZZZ!!!! TEAM EDWARD LION AND LAMB ABSTINENCE!!!!111 Despite the fact that the movie has only been filming for, like, [...]
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Also tagged awards shows, Kristen Stewart, movies, Taylor Lautner
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CNW Junk Drawer: Sabrina Gives You a Sa-bonah
Sabrina the Teenage HOT DAMN girl looks nice in a bikini. (Daily Stab)
Hilary Duff’s sister Haylie Duff got a new mug. (Yeeeah!)
Chris Brown pulls an Elephant Man and says “I’m not a monster”. Cool, but you’re still A ASSHOLE! (Anything Hollywood)
Michael Lohan got arrested. Again. He’s a nurturing caregiver and a wonderful [...]
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Also tagged Cameron Diaz, celebrity deaths, celebrity nudity, celebrity offspring, celebs in bikinis, Chris Brown, Courtney Love, Haylie Duff, Lady Gaga, magazines, Megan Fox, Melissa Joan Hart, Mike Tyson, plastic surgery rumors
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Kissin' Cullens
Kiss from a Vampire. Is that an Anne Rice novel? A song from Undead Seal? No, it's a thing that happened. Apparently, Twilight hunk/hair farmer Robert Pattinson auctioned off a kiss on the cheek to the highest bidder at Cannes last night. The money went to charity and for a couple of tiny pecks on [...]
Harry Potter Goes from Tweens to Trannies (with Bonus RPattz!)
Most ten-to-fourteen-year-old girls are obsessed with one of two things: The Jonas Brothers, or all things mystical and magical, especially Twilight and Harry Potter. We're going to leave that first subject alone as we don't much care to discuss the extracurricular activities of the brothers Jonas (because what more can be said about My Little [...]
Robert Pattinson to Teach Tweens About Hardcore Gay Sex via New Movie
We're about to do something completely out of character here: We're going to post our second story on Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson in as many days. We know. Weird, right? But don't worry. CelebNewsWire has not been hacked by a giggly but technologically gifted groups of thirteen-year-old girls. We will not ever be known as [...]
Robert Pattinson Bites Into Megan Fox's Jugs-ular
When Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got together, Wondertwins style, joined genitals, and created a fleet of genetically flawless offspring, we didn't question it. We just assumed it was natural selection at work, and we were witnessing a more beautiful species emerge. But never did we think that another couple could emerge to rival the [...]
Camilla Belle to Be Pelted with Flaming Feces by Hoarde of Jilted Tweens
Recent studies show that the average CelebNewsWire reader is male, age 40-48, and a virgin. So in the interest in capturing the desirable tween demographic: LET'S TALK TWILIGHT, PEOPLE. R U Team Edward or R U Team Jacob? How about TEAM JONAS! OMFG! LOL! Joe Jonas's well-browed concubine, actress Camilla Belle, was seen getting cozy [...]
Twilight Mania Brings Creepy Vampire-on-7-year-old-girl Action
Kids today, they grow up fast. If they're not wearing mini skirts and padded bras and low-cut camis that say "Sexy" in sequins while making their Harry, Ron, and Draco action figures triple-team their favorite Bratz doll, 7-year-olds are begging 22-year-old movie stars to bite them. Innocence truly is dead. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
New [...]
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