ï How do you get over being denied when trying to adopt a Malawian orphan? If you're Madonna, you grab some random man candy and bang him retarded. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Robert Downey Jr. wearing some heels Carrie and Samantha and the girls would die for! (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Can Nicole Kidman's dusty, cobwebby, Botox-rigid uterus sustain human life a second time? Signs point to yes. (CelebWarship)

ï Kendra Wilkinson had to recently be taught how to use a stamp. She was told, "You just lick it, honey," and all was clear. (The Blemish)

ï You best do some bicep curls before picking up the new issue of Love magazine. It features pictures of Kelly Brook, and her cleavage is so hefty you may just pull something. Like your wiener! Wocka wocka! (Daily Stab)

ï Jessica Simpson was dropped from her country label. That makes her one step closer to doing porn. Eeeeeeexcellent. (Fatback)

Robert Downey Jr. set his crotch on fire while shooting his new film.

The actor, who plays fictional British detective Sherlock Holmes in Guy Ritchie's latest project, was smoking the character's famous pipe in one scene when the ash fell onto his lap and set his trousers alight.

A source said: "Robert leaped from his armchair and jumped up and down, slapping his crotch and howling, 'Oh God, I'm on fire!' Robert had placed the pipe on a plate on the arm of the chair, but it overbalanced and plopped into his lap, scattering lit tobacco all over his pants."

Luckily, Robert's co-star Jude Law – who plays Holmes' sidekick Dr. Watson in the movie – was on hand to extinguish the flames and save the star from singeing his privates.

The source added: "While Robert was screaming and swatting his pants, quick-thinking Jude saved the day by flinging water from a flower vase at Robert's naughty area."

Robert emerged unscathed from the incident, but production was halted while the wardrobe department found him a new pair of trousers to wear.

We were excited, then extremely disappointed, at the turn this story took. Roberty Downey Jr.'s genitals all in flames? Good. Jude Law stepping in to help alleviate his costar's suffering by controlling the blaze? Good. Jude using slimy flower water to do so? Not so good. We were really hoping for a good showing on Jude's part, using his hands to smother the flames, patting and squeezing and caressing Robert's crotch until the fire was completely extinguished. We guess that scenario is more likely to turn up in Sherlock Bones Watson, which we're working on the script for as we speak.